Insecurities and doubts

Two weeks ago tomorrow, BG started rolling over. Now it's impossible to keep her in one place. A couple times over the past few days, I've left her napping on my bed (which is actually just a mattress on the floor) and discovered when I returned after only a few minutes that she had spun 90 degrees and rolled a couple of times. Tonight when I went to take my shower, I placed her little sleeping body in her crib, rather than leaving her on my bed. It's probably only the fourth time she's slept in her crib.

Now it's 23:24... I want to go to bed, but I can't bring myself to go to bed without her. Sure, her crib is within spitting distance of my bed, but I feel like a bad mother for not having here right here with me. However, waking her up to bring her to bed with me feels selfish.

The need I have to be close to these two children all the time is amazing. I've been thinking about what life will be like once BG also starts going to XH's place every other weekend. I feel a bit panicky when I think about it. The logical part of me knows that the break will be good for me. The attached part of me screams in pain. I keep reminding myself that it's a year away. Longer if I continue nursing as long as I'd like to. Unfortunately though, a lot of my ideals were blown away with the separation (remember the SAHM plan?) It's easy for someone with an even somewhat supportive spouse to say, "If you really wanted to, you could do it." I think I'm doing damn good, considering everything. But I know I could do better with more support.

All that said, it's not like I don't have any support. My family and friends have rallied around me. I have the best XH I could possibly ask for (Four months ago I didn't think I'd ever say that.) Perhaps if it weren't for these people, I wouldn't be doing such a damn good job.

BG isn't in my arms as often as I'd like her to be. I wear her in the wrap as much as I can. I hold her as often as I can. I nurse her as soon as she shows any signs of wanting to be nursed. But she often ends up napping in the swing. I feel guilty about that. I feel like this is where I'm really falling down. But, BB needs attention too. BG's swing-naps are the times where BB and I cuddle on the couch under a blanket and read stories, or play with blocks on the floor without distraction. That's my only chance for one-on-one time with him. He needs that too. I wish I could do everything. I really do. But I'm trying my best.

I often feel like I'm living in two worlds. There's the world where I try (and fail) to be Super-Mom. Then there's the world where cuddles is trying to find a man. The two worlds don't seem to compliment one another. The latter is part of the reason why I feel like I'm failing at the former. I think for the time being, I'm going to put the profile in the pond on hold... I'll continue being interested in who I'm currently interested in, but for now, any further intentional searching needs to be put on hold. I'm not sure how long I can maintain that attitude - the search has often provided me with a necessary distraction, and some hope for the future. It's easy to put it on hold when there's someone who may be interested in me. But when that doesn't work out, will I continue to feel this way?

One day at a time. One foot in front of the other. Follow my gut. Do what feels right.

Connected

Lately I've been feeling... what's the best way to describe it? Tied down? Caged? No, they both sound far too negative. But I've been feeling like I needed some time away. Some time for me to just be myself and not "mommy".

Today I got exactly that, in the form of a pedicure and lunch out with two of my close friends. I was very concerned because I didn't know if BG would take the bottle of milk I had left for her; she refused it the last two times I've left her with someone. After the pedicure, I called home to check in, and was told that her bottle was being warmed and that all was fine. So we proceeded to the restaurant, but shortly after arriving (two hours and fifteen minutes after leaving home) I was overcome with these incredible pangs of longing to rush home to be with BG again. Seriously, I couldn't wait to get out this morning, and after only two hours, all I wanted to do was be with her again. I spent the entire lunch feeling anxious and jittery. She didn't leave my arms for over two hours after I returned home.

I might have been worried about this "dependency", if I hadn't read in an attachment parenting book just yesterday that connected parents have difficulty being away from their babies for any length of time. It was nice to have that unexpected validation today. I'm happy to know that I'm doing something right.

As I look into the big blue eyes of my little girl, while she flips from her back to her front and back again, I can say with complete honesty that I'm happy to be here with her. Apparently "mommy" is exactly who I'm supposed to be right now.