Insecurities and doubts

Two weeks ago tomorrow, BG started rolling over. Now it's impossible to keep her in one place. A couple times over the past few days, I've left her napping on my bed (which is actually just a mattress on the floor) and discovered when I returned after only a few minutes that she had spun 90 degrees and rolled a couple of times. Tonight when I went to take my shower, I placed her little sleeping body in her crib, rather than leaving her on my bed. It's probably only the fourth time she's slept in her crib.

Now it's 23:24... I want to go to bed, but I can't bring myself to go to bed without her. Sure, her crib is within spitting distance of my bed, but I feel like a bad mother for not having here right here with me. However, waking her up to bring her to bed with me feels selfish.

The need I have to be close to these two children all the time is amazing. I've been thinking about what life will be like once BG also starts going to XH's place every other weekend. I feel a bit panicky when I think about it. The logical part of me knows that the break will be good for me. The attached part of me screams in pain. I keep reminding myself that it's a year away. Longer if I continue nursing as long as I'd like to. Unfortunately though, a lot of my ideals were blown away with the separation (remember the SAHM plan?) It's easy for someone with an even somewhat supportive spouse to say, "If you really wanted to, you could do it." I think I'm doing damn good, considering everything. But I know I could do better with more support.

All that said, it's not like I don't have any support. My family and friends have rallied around me. I have the best XH I could possibly ask for (Four months ago I didn't think I'd ever say that.) Perhaps if it weren't for these people, I wouldn't be doing such a damn good job.

BG isn't in my arms as often as I'd like her to be. I wear her in the wrap as much as I can. I hold her as often as I can. I nurse her as soon as she shows any signs of wanting to be nursed. But she often ends up napping in the swing. I feel guilty about that. I feel like this is where I'm really falling down. But, BB needs attention too. BG's swing-naps are the times where BB and I cuddle on the couch under a blanket and read stories, or play with blocks on the floor without distraction. That's my only chance for one-on-one time with him. He needs that too. I wish I could do everything. I really do. But I'm trying my best.

I often feel like I'm living in two worlds. There's the world where I try (and fail) to be Super-Mom. Then there's the world where cuddles is trying to find a man. The two worlds don't seem to compliment one another. The latter is part of the reason why I feel like I'm failing at the former. I think for the time being, I'm going to put the profile in the pond on hold... I'll continue being interested in who I'm currently interested in, but for now, any further intentional searching needs to be put on hold. I'm not sure how long I can maintain that attitude - the search has often provided me with a necessary distraction, and some hope for the future. It's easy to put it on hold when there's someone who may be interested in me. But when that doesn't work out, will I continue to feel this way?

One day at a time. One foot in front of the other. Follow my gut. Do what feels right.

Another Chapter Closed

DH and I have been “trying” for another baby since March. It’s been a bit haphazard while adjusting to being back to work, having a baby who seemed to be sick more than he was healthy for a few months, and trying to clear up this annoying recurring yeast infection. (Too much info? My blog, my truth.)

Since my cycle still hasn’t started, all of our efforts have been fruitless. Because of this, we decided to wean BB during the night at the end of June. This middle of the night weaning was rough the first few nights, but BB quickly got into the new groove, and is now sleeping until almost alarm-clock time about 40-50% of the time now. This is a big improvement – while he was still nursing in the night he was up at least twice most nights. Not a big deal while I could lounge around the house the next day, but after being back to work for a month, I was starting to feel it. On the nights now when BB does wake up, I just pluck him out of his crib (which is still right beside our bed) and plop him into bed between the two of us, and we quickly fall back to sleep snug as bugs in a rug. :) I should note here that my tiredness wasn’t enough to force us to wean as I was making up for it by going to bed super early most nights, but we really wanted to get things rolling with BN2.

Fast forward almost another month later and I still am showing no signs of having a cycle. When we discussed night time weaning, we said we’d give it a month, and if we weren’t getting the results we needed, we’d completely wean. I decided last week that we’d give it until next Friday (July 31, my birthday) but tonight I decided that tonight was the last time. Over the last couple of weeks BB shows his usual initial excitement at the thought of nursing. He grabs my hand and guides me to the bedroom. It’s been so sweet. But then once we get into the bedroom, he starts running around. It’s gotten to the point that I have to grab him while he kicks at me. As soon as he lays down he’s peaceful and happy to nurse, but I feel like there’s too much conflict there now for it to continue to be a positive experience for him. So rather than delaying what is most likely going to happen in a week, I decided tonight as I was being kicked that this would be it. I held him tonight and watched his cute little ears wiggle while he sucked. I admired the curve of his cheek and marvelled at the wonderful latch he’s had since day one.

When (if) BN2 arrives, if BB asks to nurse again, I’ll let him without hesitation. I’ve read lots about tandem nursing, and have no qualms with it. I’m not going to chase him around telling him to latch on, but if he asks, then yes, he will be allowed to. I know I’ve said this a few times lately, but isn’t it funny how much you can change in such a short span of time… I initially said, “I think I’d like to try breastfeeding.” That turned into, “I’d like to breastfeed for at least a few months.” That became six months, then a year. By the time BB arrived and everything was working so well, I wanted him to be able to self-wean. I guess that didn’t get to happen, but sticking with it for over 14 months is beyond what I initially set out to do, and I’m quite proud of the effort both BB and I have put into this. DH has been a wonderful support as well.

Hopefully we’ll be able to give BB the gift of a little brother or sister to help make up for what we’ve taken away from him tonight. That’s how I’m consoling myself. Keep your fingers crossed for us.

It's Been a While

I'm settling into the new routine of going to work.  I really miss spending the days with BB.  Hopefully with any luck I'll be pregnant soon.  BB is still nursing before bed and a couple of times in the night.  I just decided today that if my cycle hasn't started by the end of the month, I'm going to work on eliminating the middle of the night feedings.  I hate having to do this, but we need to get this baby thing moving.  Our babysitter is off the first week of July, so DH is taking the 29^th and 30^th off to spend with BB, and I'll be taking July 2^nd and 3^rd.  With DH off work, he can take over the duty of getting up with BB those nights, so he won't be expecting to nurse. 

BB is still sleeping in our room.  Whenever the topic comes up, so many people poo-poo at me.  Sorry folks, I'm doing what I think is best.  We don't get enough time together as it is, and I want him to feel as secure as possible.  If he's happy in his crib, that's where he sleeps.  If he is happier in bed with us, then that's where he is.  I feel like returning to work has gone against everything I believe about parenting this little boy, so I'm going with my gut on this issue.  When the time is right for him to move to his own room, we'll recognize it and take care of it. 

 

Writing from work feels really disjointed.  Maybe it's because I know I have a lot of work to get through and shouldn't be taking the time to do this.  Hopefully I'll get through the backlog that has been left for me, and get things caught up soon so I'm not in a panic the entire time I'm here.  And then perhaps I'll have time to write the occasional post.  I feel like I'm becoming one of those people who completely neglects their blog. 

My Swirling Dark Pit

I feel like I'm sinking.  I survived the winter without anything more than the occasional "blue" day.  Pretty good for me.  Spring is now here, and those dark feelings seem to have arrived with it.  

I think it's just a combination of several things weighing me down.  

I don't feel that going back to work is the right decision for BB.  However, it is the logical thing to do in order to have BN2.  It won't be forever, as long as BN2 happens.  But I'm feeling a LOT of guilt about leaving BB with a sitter.  

Tomorrow I reduce BB's two daytime feedings to one daytime feeding and next week I'm eliminating the daytime feedings all together, as he starts spending a bit of time with the sitter next week.  This is breaking my heart.  I feel that he still needs to nurse.  I feel awful about already reducing him down to two feedings.  It wouldn't be bad if he wasn't interested in nursing, but the little guy loves it.  I'm being eaten alive by the guilt.  I want so badly to be a good mother to him, and I really don't feel like sending him to a sitter and reducing the frequency of his breastfeeding this is the way to do it.  

I'm worried about whether things are going to work out with my babysitter... that is an entirely separate post though.  

And then this weekend, DH was at his usual training all day Saturday, and then today his family came to help him reconstruct our woodshed that collapsed during the winter, so he spent the entire day outdoors working on that project.  Both the training yesterday and the woodshed today are very important things, and I don't believe for a second that he should have skipped out on either.  However, it meant that it was business as usual for BB and myself.  I look forward to the weekends because it means that we get to spend time together as a family, and during BB's naps, DH and I normally have some great chats.  Missing out on all of that this weekend really seems to have messed with my head.  

By suppertime I ended up sitting with BB in my lap front of the computer watching Sesame Street videos on Youtube so that he wouldn't be able to see my crying while I held him.  Since he doesn't get to watch TV, watching a bit of Sesame Street was definitely holding his attention.  If he sees me cry these days, he cries too, and I didn't want to make him cry, but I couldn't hold it in any longer.  

Tonight, I felt like the walls were closing in on me.  Part of me wants to crawl into bed and never get out.  But I know that laying there, buried under the covers, I'll only continue to brood.  My instinct when things get bad are to start walking.  Walk and walk and walk.  I don't mean walk out on my life or anything like that, but just walk until I can come up with a solution to all of the things that are upsetting me.  (You know, when I think back to a lot of the bad stuff that happened in a previous relationship, I often found myself wandering.  I never really made that connection until now.)  

I had hoped that once the decision was made about whether or not to return to work that I'd be able to relax and enjoy the rest of my time with BB.  But once the decision was made, I worried about childcare.  And even now that I have a babysitter, the dark cloud is still over my head.  I want to enjoy the next month, not spend the entire time brooding.  BB deserves our last month together to be special... not to have a mommy who is in tears all the time.

Test #1

I knew it would be negative, considering the fact that I haven't had a cycle since July 2007. However, I always hear about people who got pregnant while breastfeeding, so a little (okay, a big) part of me definitely was hoping that maybe I might be. I peed on the stick this morning, and of course I'm not. And even though I knew that I shouldn't have my hopes up, I'm still disappointed. I think going back to work would be easier if I knew there was a definite end in sight to the whole thing.

Now I'm wondering, how often should I pee on a stick? I know that I shouldn't allow myself to become obsessed with getting pregnant, because that's destined to end badly. However, I can't seem to help it. I was thinking I should try to limit myself to once every four weeks (those tests aren't cheap after all!) but before I voiced that opinion, DH suggested every two weeks. Maybe he's more anxious that I am? As if!

DH did say something really sweet last night. After we had put BB to bed, he told me that he really likes him. That's huge. It made me melt. Considering the fact that he only consented to having a baby in the first place to make me happy, and then once BB was here, I knew he still wasn't completely sold on the whole thing (otherwise, he never would have said no initially to BN2), but now for him to say that he actually LIKES BB, well, like I said, it's huge. I've always felt that it's easy to love someone, and that actually liking someone is a much bigger deal.

BB changes so much every day. He's been knocked down by two different colds over the past few weeks, and he emerged from each illness older and wiser it seemed! He's now standing in place without holding on to anything for several seconds at a time now. He's eating a LOT more solid foods now, and is only nursing a couple times during the day. (That transition was hard initially, but he's okay with it now. I never would have bothered with the day-time weaning if I wasn't planning to return to work. I much prefer the idea of baby-led weaning. However, on the upside, perhaps this will work to my advantage with project BN2.) BB's new favourite song is "Barbara Ann" by the Beach Boys. My brother and I used to listen to an old 45 of that song over and over again when we were little. BB's favourite word is "Ba" (has been for a looong time now), so I started singing "Barbara Ann" to him. Now he actually tries to sing along. He'll vary his tone of voice while saying, "Ba ba ba ba ba." It's like he's singing back-up for me. *grin* He can also try to point out his eyes, nose, and mouth now! I say try, because he puts his entire hand up to his face when you say, "Where's your nose?", and the difference between where he touches depending on the body part you ask him to identify is quite subtle, but there definitely is a difference... for example, if you ask him where his eyes are, he'll put his palm to his face, and then gouge his eyes with his finger tips. :) He's such an amazing little guy, and he definitely has a LOT of people wrapped around his sweet little finger.

Cold, Boob, Heart

Yeah, there's a catchy title.  ;o)

We've had a busy few days.  BB celebrated his ten month birthday on Sunday by coming down with a rotten cold.  This is only his second cold ever, so I'm definitely NOT complaining.  But I do feel terrible for him.  This cold is significantly worse than the cold he had in October.  It's obvious that he doesn't "get" why he feels so terrible.  I've been pondering the fact that he's only had two colds in the past ten months.  Is it because he has a great immune system (with special thanks to breastfeeding), or is it because he hasn't been exposed to enough germs?  I'm sure there's no way for me to know the answer, just something I've been thinking about.

I celebrated BB's ten month birthday by getting a blocked milk duct.  It wasn't really painful, but very disconcerting and scary.  It happened around 13:00.  I started feeding BB and by the end of his feeding, my right breast had a very hard area above my nipple.  I, of course, started to panic.  I searched online for the symptoms of mastitis, but it didn't seem possible since I didn't have a temperature and the hard area wasn't sore or red.  And at that point, I didn't realize that a blocked duct was different from mastitis.  I tried to get some rest, spent some time in the shower with the warm water running on it, applied warm compresses, tried pumping and massage.  Because of BB's cold, he was barely nursing, so he wasn't much help in trying to move things along.  It wasn't getting any better and I was becoming quite frightened.  After we put BB to bed for the night, I called the Mother/Baby General Info Hotline at the DECRH.  I wasn't sure if it was the right place to turn, since BB is ten months old, but I knew that if I called Telecare, I'd end up talking to someone with limited knowledge about breastfeeding (perhaps even less knowledge than I have!), and every time I've ever called Telecare, I'm told to see a doctor within two hours--without fail--and then when I see the doctor, they just shake their head because it really wasn't a dire emergency.  The person I spoke with at the Mother/Baby line was very helpful and assured me that it was okay to call that number with a breastfeeding issue as there is really no other place for me to get help.  She explained that it was a blocked duct, and encouraged me to continue with the measures I had been taking, and told me to keep with it until it finally let go.  I worked at it from 20:00 until 23:00.  At that point I had managed to move it to my nipple (yep, I could actually SEE the blockage), but couldn't get it the rest of the way.  I was so tired I could barely keep my eyes open, so decided that rest would probably be the best option at that point.  When BB woke up at 04:30 he managed to finish unblocking it for me.  I was a very grateful momma!  I've been very fortunate to not have any breastfeeding issues up until this point...  I've often felt like a lot of the people around me have been waiting for me to fail at it, so I was very discouraged when this happened.  I've very very glad that everything seems to be okay now though.

I need to mention how supportive DH was during the whole blocked-duct-ordeal.  He took BB out for a drive late in the afternoon so I could have a nap.  (It's the first time BB has left the house without me!  I was a bit nervous, but they both returned safe & sound!)  He sat up with me until I decided to call it a night.  He fetched the hot water bottle, reheated the Magic Bag, kept me company in the bathroom while I stood in the shower, and even offered to try pumping for me when my hand got tired.  :)  I tend to only share my gripes about him on here.  He's really a good guy.  :)

BB's cold seems to be considerably better today.  He had a temperature at bed time last night, but when we checked it at 03:15 this morning he was back to normal.  His nose is leaking less today, so that's awesome.  

I had a bit of an upsetting convo with my dad last night.  He called to check on BB and mentioned that he has stopped taking his cholesterol medication.  He's been on it for several years now (11 maybe?) and his joints have been bothering him a lot recently.  Because of his work, he's very active, and is definitely not out of shape.  He heard of some relatives who stopped taking their cholesterol meds, and they're not having joint problems anymore.  He says he stopped taking his this weekend, and the next morning he was able to get out of bed without any problem.  I suggested that he should discuss this with the doctor, and he seemed to think that if he just started watching his diet he could stay off them.  If he had watched his diet in the first place he may not have ended up on them!  And mom mentioned in an email yesterday that she and dad had Chinese food one night this weekend - does this count as watching your diet?!  He seems to think that he'd rather die of a heart attack than be uncomfortable all of the time.  I want BB to grow up with his grampy in his life.  And the other thing is, who says he'll die of a heart attack?  Maybe he'll end up with heart problems, and not be able to enjoy his quality of life because he has to take it easy all the time?  It's not black and white.  I totally get the fact that he wants to be free from pain, but I really think he needs to discuss all of this with his doctor.  Unfortunately, his doctor is the same doctor I go to... he's retiring in a year.  He isn't exactly "with it."  But in the current situation our health-care system is in, you can't just jump ship and go to a new doctor.  I voiced my opinion.  I cannot nag.  He will only tune me out.  I need to let him be an adult and handle this.  But in the meantime, I will worry.  Because it seems to be what I do.