BG's Story

Eight weeks ago tonight all this began! I'm finally just getting around to sharing the story! I've started this a few times, but have been unsuccessful in finishing it until now. Here is the story of BG.

On the evening of March 25th, I realized that time was running out, and that I needed to take a final baby bump picture before the baby actually arrived! So I set up the camera and managed to get a picture. Shortly after my photo shoot, H called and said he was coming over for a visit. It was a nice visit... we laughed and talked. It was the first time I had seen him in almost three weeks. After he left we talked online until about 1am. During that time, I uploaded my new baby bump pic to Facebook. After chatting with H, Melissa and I exchanged comments on my bump picture, and I told her that I didn't think that the baby would be coming for a while yet as I was far too comfortable to be ready to go into labour anytime soon! At around 01:30 I realized that I should go to bed, after all, my due date was March 27, and if I were to go into labour within the next couple of days, I might regret missing out on that chance for sleep! I noticed that my back was hurting a bit, but I chalked it up to laying in a bad position with the Netbook and the belly. (It wasn't not the first time I had done that!)

At 2:30 am I woke up not quite feeling right. Suddenly I was hit with what I thought might be a contraction, but I wasn't sure. (I was induced with BB, so I had no idea what to expect going into labour on my own!) When I was hit with another soon after, I started timing them as best I could by myself. 4 minutes apart. I told myself that it must be false labour, because there was no way I could possibly have gone into labour so quickly!

Shortly after 3:00 am, I started composing an email to XH to relay all the info regarding BB that I had been planning on passing on to him when he picked him up that night... just in case this was the real deal and I wouldn't be able to tell him what he needed to know.

By 3:30 am I decided that I should call A as the contractions were still 4 minutes apart and not showing any signs of letting up. She agreed that it probably wasn't the real deal and suggested I call her back in an hour or two if I wasn't able to get any sleep.

As the next hour progressed I tried to time my contractions, but it was difficult to time them while dealing with them. I tried to distract myself by swimming in the pond (OMG, yes, I was in labour and trying to find a new man!), and looking at the labour website A had sent to me earlier in the week. One of the items on the website was a checklist of what to take to the hospital with you. It included warm socks in case your feet get cold. I hadn't packed warm socks, but there was a basket of clean laundry on my bedroom floor that had warm socks in it. So I laid on my floor, pawing through the basket of laundry while suffering through contractions, trying to find a warm pair of socks. *shaking head* I obviously wasn't thinking right at this point. I was becoming more and more scared. All alone with a 22 month old, outside of the city, and no support. And once again I was wondering, "How did this become my life?"

By 4:30 am I realized that it most likely *was* the real deal as I was trying not to push and the contractions were 2 minutes apart, on top of a host of other symptoms I was experiencing that jived with what I read on the labour website. I called A again, and demanded that she and my brother head to my place immediately (about a 20 minute drive.) I then called XH to make arrangements for him to take BB earlier the next day than originally planned. Having to talk to him during all of this was murder. I had to deal with contractions while talking to him, and showing any signs of vulnerability to him was not something I wanted to do.

At around 05:00 help still had not arrived. I contemplated calling N to come over, but I knew that this wasn't something she would want to deal with (and really, we had made so many jokes about her having to deliver the baby, that it just seemed weird to actually suggest it might happen!) I even considered calling H just to have him talk me down and tell me that no, I still had lots of time, be calm, etc. Instead I called A again and demanded to know where she and my brother were. I wasn't very nice about it. (Turned out they weren't rushing as they thought they had lots of time... they took their dog out to pee, got dressed, didn't drive more than 10kph over the speed limit, etc.)

They arrived at 05:15. I was standing at the island in my kitchen holding on for dear life, bellowing through my contractions. The look on my brother's face told me that he knew we all had to move quickly. A asked me if I was nauseous (yes, I was nauseous and drenched in sweat) and then the realization hit her that this was the real deal. I managed to calmly explain to my brother which bags from my room needed to be loaded into the car, had him get me the garbage can from the bathroom to take with me in case I was sick in the car, directed him to find a pair of flip flops for me from my closet, had him grab my camera, etc. How I remained level headed to do this, I have no idea.... planning does seem to be how I react to a crisis though. Then we headed out to the car. The infant carrier seat caused the passenger seat to be pulled too far ahead for me to comfortably ride to the hospital, so I had to get back out of the car, remove the seat, let my brother know to move it into the house, and get back into the car. Once a bit of confusion over keys between my brother and A was cleared up we were finally on the road to the hospital.

I advised A to pass anyone that was in our way. Luckily at 05:30 that only meant passing a couple of cars. Even on the way to the hospital, I was still worried they would tell me that this wasn't the real thing and would send me home.... all the while trying not to push in the car!

A stopped at the ER doors and put me in a wheelchair and brought in my bags. She then ran into the ER to tell them what was happening. Then she went back out to park the car. While she was doing that, my water broke. (Next time you walk through the doors into the DECH ER, think of me!) She came back inside and again went into the ER asking for some help (you can't get up to Labour & Delivery after hours without someone from ER letting you through.) A couple of women sauntered over and looked at me through the glass, and eventually someone came out and started pushing my wheelchair. She didn't say a word to me, just gave the occasional order to A. The ride was awful... the ceramic tiles on the floor are SO bumpy when you're in a wheelchair!

We arrived in L&D at 05:50. One nurse checked for dilation and said that she could feel the baby's head, but that she would have another nurse confirm it. So the next nurse comes in, checks, says, "Yes, that's the baby's head. PUSH!" Eight minutes later at 05:58, BG was in my arms.

In all of the haste they didn't have time to try to drug me, catheterize me, or hook me up to their machines. One person did hold a fetal heart monitor to my stomach, but they didn't even bother trying to strap it on. They didn't have time to read my birth plan, but thankfully A knew what was there and was able to direct them after the baby arrived so that all of my post-delivery wishes were followed. (All of my labour & delivery wishes basically revolved around not wanting drugs or interventions, so it seemed that I automatically got my way on those ones!)

After it was all over with I couldn't believe I had just given birth. I felt fantastic. When BB was born I felt like I had been hit by a train afterwards. This had been the scariest 3.5 hours of my life (seriously, who wakes up an hour after they go to sleep with contractions 4 minutes apart?!) but I survived, and I'm happier it happened this way so I could have the birth go the way I wanted. When I started preparing for BG's arrival, I discovered that I had a lot of resentment towards the way my labour with BB happened. Now I feel that I can let go of that negativity because I've had the experience I had hoped for.

BG has been wonderful. She initially did nothing but sleep and eat. Then she went through a colicky phase during the evenings. That seems to have passed, but the evenings are still her cranky time, however, it is not unmanageable. She started smiling last week, and last Saturday she gave me her first ear to ear grin. Now I've discovered that I can often banish her crankies just by propping her up on my legs so that she's facing me, and then I smile at her. It usually gets a smile in return! BB is a fantastic big brother. He lavishes BG in hugs and kisses, and won't go down for a nap or go to bed at night without first giving her a kiss.

Clean Slate

Here we go again with a clean slate. I have answers at least. I don't necessarily like them, but it's not all about me.

This is me picking up the pieces and moving on.

Funny, by the end of the day today I felt like I was getting a much better handle on life. Then he called while I was getting BB ready for bed and hearing his voice on the machine threw me completely. However, I find that after talking to him, I haven't regressed. Nothing has changed. I don't feel more, maybe even a little less.

Here's to letting go.

You Don't Just Want to Break Me

This song played while I was on the treadmill last night. It hit close to home. During one of my minutes of walking, I grabbed my pen and scrawled the title (which is repeated a million times at the end of the song with varying degrees of pain and perhaps anger in Hawksley's voice) across my arm. I'm not sure what possessed me to do this, but it felt good. When it was time to start running again, I suddenly had far more energy, and spent my last block of running minutes going faster than I have since I started running.

you don't just want to break me (you want to tear me apart)

By Hawksley Workman

i feel like selling my things

i feel like being alone

can't tell if i'm more confused

after i hung up the phone

glad to hear you're feeling stronger

and that you're ready to grow

didn't know that i was in your way

thanks for saying it...

now i know

so this is how these things go

so this is how these things shake out in the end

see the winter settling in

it's going to be cold a while

in the winter everything's dead

deep and crisp and even

and this is how it feels to be left standing

to be the one who never did know

so this is how it feels to fade and pale

laid down like aching snow

you said that i had no courage

one day you'll see things different

you don't just want to break me

you want to tear me apart

Another one bites the dust

So, remember the guy from down the road that I mentioned a couple of posts ago? Well, things were going really well with him. He had a lot of potential. We both were looking for the same thing, he was definitely okay with my kids, and we had no problem chatting online, and we were planning on progressing to the telephone tonight.

However, last night we talked about what our "deal-breakers" are. Two of my big ones are smoking and drugs. He told me he occasionally smokes when he drinks, and that he smokes pot a time or two a year. At the time I just brushed it off, since he said he only does it occasionally, but it nagged at me. Today it really hit me - how I can I tell my kids that they shouldn't do those things when it's okay for him to do them? So tonight I told him that I couldn't get past those two things. I think he was a bit upset with me, especially since I hadn't met him before making that decision. But meeting him wouldn't have changed anything; it would have just made it harder if we did have chemistry.

I'm feeling proud of myself for addressing it, rather than letting it become an issue down the road; however, I'm feeling sad that this "opportunity" didn't work out. Add to it the mess with H, and I'm on the verge of depression. I had so many things I wanted to get out and do this weekend, and now I can't even remember what it was that I wanted to do. None of them feel like they matter. I'm really tiring of wallowing in self pity, but I'm not sure how to pull myself out of it. Today I've even been considering contacting my workplace's EAP provider. I feel like I need to talk about all the stuff with H to someone neutral who can be trusted not to tell anyone. I think I'm a bit messed up from it all to be honest. Why the hell do I still care about people after they hurt me? I did it with XH, and now again with H. Why can't I get angry, tell them to eff-off, and move on with my life? It seems like the worse you treat me, the more devoted to you I become. That's messed up. I'm not liking myself much tonight.

Push and Pull

Looking back to when H and I were dating in January, it's obvious that the push and pull was already going on then. He'd come over to my place more evenings than not, but then would disappear from my world completely for a couple of days. He would talk about things we would do together in the future, but then try to tell me that he was only my rebound. He took me away for the weekend and then broke up with me a few days later. And then in less than a week, we were talking again, and another week until we were back in bed. I remember that first night together again, he asked me after, "Can you be my friend without being my lover?" I said yes. I meant it. But so we continued on for another few weeks... we'd get together, every so often he'd disappear for a day or two, then poof, he'd be back again. I don't think he only came back for sex, since there were times we spent together without anything physical happening. And since I now know he was also getting it elsewhere during that time, I really believe it wasn't the sex he came back for. If anything, I think he was feeding off my feelings for him. It feels good to be around someone who loves, adores, and worships you.

Our last time together was the beginning of March... we bottled wine and then took a day trip to St. Andrews. Shortly after that my life went a bit crazy with BB being so sick, and then BG's arrival. His life also seemed to get busy... (I had a snide comment here, but removed it, since it isn't really useful, and it gives away more of his story than is useful in helping me tell mine.) We kept in touch during this time, but only saw one another once - the night before BG was born. We sat on the couch and talked and laughed. I realized that night that although I still cared and had feelings for him, they were starting to fade, and that I was definitely okay just being friends.

Another couple of weeks pass and suddenly his life comes crashing down around him. I'm sitting home alone all day with two little ones and oodles of time. Next thing I know, he pulls me close and I'm his go-to person again. We're constantly on the phone or he's here with me. We went to a charity event one evening, we spent a weekend away, I even met his kids and his ex. All of this happened with us just being friends. However, as I've mentioned before, we became incredibly close during this time, and I fell for him harder than ever. The weekend we went away, we were snuggled up in bed and he made two promises to me. He promised that I would always be a part of his life, somehow. He promised that he would never again lie to me or omit the truth. Both of these promises have been broken all ready. It's funny, there were two other promises that he made to me at other times during the past month. One was that he would be there for me the next time anything bad happened to either of my children (in reference to BB's illness in March and how he didn't come to the hospital at all when my other close friends, and even my boss, did) and that he would never not talk to me if we had an issue - we'd always talk it out. The former hasn't been tested yet, thankfully, but I assume that he won't be there for me. The latter has already been broken.

Over this past month he's shared a lot of information with me. Very private stuff. I have guarded this information with my life. It's made it difficult for me to talk with friends or family about what's been going on in my life, because I've been so careful not to share something that I shouldn't. Then suddenly last week, he started questioning my feelings for him. He thought that because my deep feelings weren't reciprocated that I would end up getting hurt. I refused to let him push me away and told him that I was aware of the risks, that I committed to be his friend through his ordeal, and that I would deal with those feelings and any fallout from them. After a few more conversations that evening and the next morning, I thought all was fine. We took a quick road trip so he could run an errand on Thursday night, and that night we stayed up fairly late talking on the phone having one of our usual heart-to-hearts. We made plans to go out for his birthday this week, and had talked about going away this weekend. Then last Saturday night he didn't answer when I called him at bedtime. I texted a while later to say goodnight. When I woke up after 02:00 to feed BG, I was really worried, because it wasn't like him to not check in by that point. So I called (we had previously told one another to call anytime, day or night, if we needed something. I needed to know he was okay, I felt justified in calling.) and there was no answer. So I sent another text telling him I was worried, and to check-in when he could. I was paranoid he was laying in a ditch somewhere. He finally called me after 07:00 Sunday morning, telling me he was feeling very vulnerable because I knew everything about him, and insinuated that I couldn't be trusted. HUH? Then somehow it turned into him needing to face his current issues head-on, on his own. Okay, that part makes sense to me. It was obvious to me that he couldn't be alone, and that was why he had formed this pseudo-relationship with me. But to not trust me??? That was the part that I can't cope with. Anyway, after a lot of talking that morning, I let him walk away. If space was what he needed, space he would have. I had promised him long ago that I'd do anything for him, and if giving him space was part of the anything, then I'd do it.

He checked in a few times between Monday and Wednesday, updating me on his situation. Only on his last call on Wednesday did he show any interest in my life. I didn't ask many questions when he called, because I didn't want him to think I was prying in order to share information with anyone. I didn't talk about my life, because I figure he probably has enough on his mind right now that my baby stories would be unimportant to him. Yesterday morning I sent him an email to wish him a happy birthday. He replied back and told me it was probably the nicest birthday email he had received. Then last night he deleted me as a friend on Facebook. HUH? I'm so growing tired of this push and pull game. So, I emailed him one last time to ask what it is that I've done to wrong him. I thought I was being a good friend to him, but he obviously feels otherwise. So what is it that I've done, besides allowing myself to become his doormat? Heck, it's more than just allowing myself to become his doormat, I chose to become his doormat. It didn't just happen. I made the conscious decision to do it. I still haven't received a response from him. I'm guessing I won't be hearing from him again. I'm left with so many questions and so much hurt over the entire thing. What happened that I don't know about? Can I ever trust anyone again? I'm feeling like I can't.

I think it's all about control with him. The constant push and pull. I've wondered if perhaps this most recent push was a way to really take control of the situation that we had found ourselves in... he had cut the ties, but not completely, so perhaps this was his way of severing them for good.

I know what you're probably thinking... "You're better off without him." Maybe I am. But I need answers. I need closure. What really angers me, is that if he came back with answers, and an apology, and wanted to be a part of my life again, I'd let him back in. Why do I do this to myself?

I can handle the idea of him not reciprocating my feelings, I can even handle the idea of him not wanting to be my friend... what I can't handle is him suddenly deciding that I can't be trusted, after being told so many times that he trusted me implicitly, and that he trusted me with his life. How does that change overnight? I suspect there's more to the story, and that's why I want answers.

Hopefully this will be my last post about H. I know I've been dwelling on things with him far too much over this past month. He became my world, second only to my children.

H, I'm so very very angry with you right now. You've managed to hurt me in a way that you have never before hurt me... and there has been a lot of hurt since January. You're right, I do grin and bear a lot of things with you, but it's been okay, because it kept you in my life. However, although I am angry and hurt, the things you told me will remain secrets. I do not seek revenge on people; that isn't who I am, and I will never be that person. I wish you every happiness life has to offer. I hope you figure out who you are, and that you become the person you want to be. xo

Hmmmm...

As the day went on, I started feeling angry about the way I've been treated. There's so much I want to say about it all, but I know that if H ever stumbled over this blog, he'd be ticked that he was even mentioned. So, I'll keep my mouth shut, just in case.

On a happy note, I'm up waaay too late tonight because I've been chatting online. With a boy. *gasp* And he lives right down the road! He doesn't meet my dream guy's physical criteria, but the rest is jiving so far. Since meeting H, this is the first time I've really wanted to meet someone right away! That has to be a good sign!

:) :) :)

Still Hurting

This song was playing yesterday and struck me as completely appropriate at the moment. *sigh*

Tegan and Sara - Call It Off from Ashley Brown on Vimeo.

"Call It Off" by Tegan & Sara

I won't regret saying this
This thing
That I'm saying
Is it better than
Keeping my mouth shut
That goes without saying
Call, break it off
Call, break my own heart
Maybe I would have been
Something you'd be good at
Maybe you would have been
Something I'd be good at
But now we'll never know
I won't be sad
But in case
I'll go there
Everyday,
To make myself feel bad
There's a chance
I'll start to wonder
If this was the thing to do
I won't be out long
But I still think it better if
You take your time
Coming over here
I think that's for the best
Call, break it off
Call, break my own heart
Maybe I would have been
Something you'd be good at
Maybe you would have been
Something I'd be good at
But now
We'll never know
I won't be sad
But in case
I'll go there
Everyday,
To make myself feel bad
There's a chance
I'll start to wonder
If this was the thing to do
I'll start to wonder
If this was the thing to do

Pulling it Together

So I gave myself two days to wallow in self pity. By last night I was feeling a bit better.

H managed to last 24 hrs + 8 minutes before calling yesterday. That call was followed by two more later in the day. All were fairly quick calls just updating me on the goings-on in his life. I'm glad he's still keeping me in the loop, but I feel myself letting go already. I still care about him, heck, I know I still love him... that doesn't turn off so quickly, but I think it's my self-preservation mechanism kicking in... I can't say for certain, but I don't think I'll put myself in the position to be hurt by him again. Prior to that first phone call, there was also an email, and last evening he sent me two texts, the first one I replied to, the second one I didn't bother. Not that there was really anything to reply to, but it's unusual for me NOT to be the last one to reply.

To distract myself, I've jumped back into that awful pond. I'm not sure how I'm feeling about it, but it's something to do. I don't understand why I can't be alone, but whatever, it's who I am, and come hell or high water, I will find someone. That being said, I refuse to settle.

I had offered to take H out later this week to celebrate his birthday. I'm not sure if he still wants to go out or not; however, if he decides that he doesn't, I think I might see if someone else wants to get together with me, since I already have a sitter lined up. I'm sure that of the few people I'm communicating with, at least one of them would be interested. I'm a bit nervous at the prospect, but I think this most recent incident with H was the kick in the pants I needed to let go of the dream I had of us being together. Or at the very least, to loosen my grip on it. I talk a good talk, but I'm sure if he showed up at my door tonight I'd be back to square one. I'm such a sucker for him.

Here I Am Again

I'm so incredibly beyond blue today. How can I be pseudo-dumped by my pseudo-boyfriend? My heart is broken. How many times will I let this happen to me? Why can't I be alone? Where is my strength that everyone else keeps telling me I have? I don't feel it.

What's so difficult about the whole thing is that there's no one I can talk to about it, because the details aren't mine to share. I understand where he is coming from with respect to needing to pull away from me, but I still feel the need to talk it out with someone. However, I respect and love him far too much to share his personal stuff with anyone. But without sharing the details with anyone, he sounds like an ass, and that's not the image I want to paint of him. Not at all.

I feel reckless and out of control today. Like I'm going to do something rash that I could possibly regret. Or maybe it's that I *want* to do something rash. I think I'm going to try reconnecting with a couple of old friends... see where that leads. I need something. Is it fair to them (or to me) to do this while I still love H? Nope. But whatever, I'm sick of worrying about how everyone else feels. Bloody sick of it. It gets me no where, but trampled into the ground.

Smitten

Ever try to convince yourself that you don't have feelings for someone, and then suddenly reality crashes down on you, and you realize that you're hopelessly in love with them? I'm trying to stay cool but it's so hard... I refuse to be his rebound, and I refuse to do anything casually. It's all or nothing, and he knows it now. I don't think I'll get the relationship I want anytime soon, but I'm now filled with hope for the future again. And hope is a very dangerous thing. One interesting thing is that since we became "just friends" I'm much more like myself around him, without worrying too much about what he thinks. He seems to like me more now than he did before.

Right now we're practically inseparable... Filled with hope and happiness tonight. xo

Thursday Night Randoms

- I'm annoyed that my car wasn't washed and vacuumed today when I took it in to have the winter tires taken off. My whole reason for going to this particular service centre was so that the car would get a bit of a cleaning while it was there.

- I'm happy that BG was a good girl while we waited for over two hours at the service centre today. She nursed for a few minutes when we first arrived, then passed out in my arms for the next two hours. When she woke up she nursed again, and then passed out again. I love how I can take her anywhere. I was never brave enough to do that with BB. He never once nursed in public... we were hermits for the entire year I was off work.

- People say the stupidest things. I was out with Handsome on the weekend and we had BG with us. An old lady commented that she looked "just like" him. It was good for a laugh anyway. In reality, the only person she looks "just like" is BB when he was her age.

- I haven't talked about this previously, but one of the dark clouds that has been hanging over my head for quite some time now has finally been removed and I feel like my overall outlook on life is much better as a result. XH changed his mind on not being able to be friends. When we split, I think the hardest thing to deal with was losing my best friend, even though we said we would continue to be friends. Then it became apparent to me that it wasn't going to be the case, and finally he came out and said it. Well, emailed it. Anyway, a few weeks ago he completely floored me by saying that he wanted to be my friend again. Now he comes over to visit with the kids, has dinner with us, gives me an opportunity to take a shower, etc. He has even done a few (much appreciated) things around here for me. I wasn't sure how he was truly going to be a part of BG's life with the way things had been... I'm relieved for her that this seems to be working.

- I just realized that I've officially been separated for five months now.

- Correspondence with TMG has become spotty. I'm definitely okay with that. We had started chatting on MSN, but I stopped logging in (and haven't logged in since) since it seemed that he was constantly bombarding me with offline messages. So we went back to email, which I preferred. However, my motivation to email him hasn't been high lately so it usually takes me days to finally reply to one of his messages. So now I think he's giving me a taste of my own medicine by not replying right away either. It's okay, I think I'd prefer to stop talking to him now anyway. He seems kind enough, but I've come across a few values that don't jive with mine (cheating, for example!) and, as Handsome pointed out the other day, even if I've made it clear that I won't meet him, even emailing with him is enabling him. The way I've been looking at it is, I don't blame XH's girlfriend for what he did, it was his doing... same thing here. TMG can choose whether to talk to me or not, I'm not the one doing something wrong in his marriage. However, even so, when it comes down to it, I don't feel good about being a female he's talking to online without his wife's knowledge. Our conversations aren't even of a nature that would cause anyone to even raise an eyebrow... they're very clean, and just about life in general, but even so, I'm not feeling like I'm doing the right thing here.

- Have you ever spent a period of time sleeping with someone, and then found out after the fact that they have no recollection of it? Yeah, me neither. But apparently it happens to some people. And that's all I'm saying about that one.

- BB is slowly settling into his life with a baby sister. He has good days and bad days. At the beginning of last week I was at the end of my rope. I felt like all I was saying was, "No, no, no, no, no, no." But this week I'm noticing a big difference. I think that he's getting a better understanding of what I expect from him, and I'm getting a better feel for what he is capable of. This means he is able to follow the rules a bit more, and I'm able to loosen up on the rules in some areas, since most of my rules are simply for his protection. I suppose all of this makes sense... for the past year he has been in someone else's care for most of his waking hours, so now we need to get to know one another. He needs to learn the expectations, and I need to learn his abilities.

- BB's affection for BG is sweet. I think he only does it because I praise him for it, but that's okay. It's a beginning. And it's far better than having him walk up to her and slug her!

- Before I met Handsome, I had been chatting with someone else from the pond. We had talked about meeting but it never worked out. Then I met Handsome and I dropped the first guy like a hot potato. After Handsome broke my heart (okay, I could have sugar coated that a bit, but I don't feel like it) and I went back into the pond, the first guy found me and we started chatting again. It was only occasional at first, but now we check in with each other at least a few times a day. He still wants to meet. I kind of want to, but at the same time, I'm not sure if it's smart. I know nothing is going to happen with Handsome, but I also know that I still have feelings for him. And even if Handsome felt anything toward me (which he doesn't, beyond friendship, of course) I'm quite certain I wouldn't pursue it anyway. I know too much now to feel like that would be wise of me. I think I would just be setting myself up to be hurt by him once again. And really, how many times can one person stand in the middle of the road waiting to be run down by a transport? Even now, I find out little things that make me say, "Ouch." The first guy and I said that we'd only be meeting as friends, but everyone knows that when two single people are meeting, even if they give that disclaimer, both are thinking of the other as a possibility. My dilemma is this - would it really be fair of me to meet this first guy, even just as "friends", while I know I still have feelings for Handsome? Perhaps meeting the first guy would help me get over Handsome. But does that fall under the category of using the first guy?

- Some people in the world are evil. They tell malicious lies and hide behind them to mask their own guilt. They do not care whose lives they wreck in the process. I can't imagine living in this fashion, but I'm watching it happen to a friend.

- Please don't call a diaper a "di-a-per". It drives me crazy.

- There are few things in this world that are cuter than BG's hair. It's thick and dark. Immediately after a bath it goes curly. And when it dries, it stands on end and is fluffy. And by the next morning it's suddenly oily again.

- One of the pluses of being single with a newborn (bet you didn't realize that there would be pluses to this situation!) is that she and I have the bed all to ourselves! I don't have to worry about waking someone who will need to be able to function at work the next day, I can position myself on whichever side of the bed I need to in order to simply pop a breast in her mouth the next time she wakes up, I don't have to live in paranoia of someone else rolling over onto her or kicking or punching her in their sleep.

- Sharing my bed with BG does have one downside though... I don't foresee any intimacy in my future for a very long time.

- Don't leave my kitchen sink stopper in the sink. That annoys me.

- I enjoy early morning telephone conversations with Handsome. Heck, I enjoy conversations anytime with him, but for the past almost two weeks, we've been calling each other every morning to check in... now it feels like my day hasn't started until the phone call has taken place.

- Handsome has become such a big part of my life again these past couple of weeks... I'm going to be left with a gaping hole in my life when he finds his next love interest and starts investing all of his time in her. Maybe I should meet that first guy in hopes of avoiding the gaping hole. But then I'm back to the question of whether or not that qualifies as using the first guy.

- BG has grown so much over the past four weeks. I remember her sleeping on my chest not too long ago and she was just a little ball of flesh. Now she's over 10 lbs (XH and I weighed her the other night) and is currently sleeping on my chest, stomach, and her little feet and legs are even spilling onto my lap. It amazes me when I think about how it is my body nourishing her and giving her everything she needs to grow. It makes me think that I really need to step up my healthy eating. I've been lazy lately and meal time seems to be the same time that all hell breaks loose with the two children.

- Sometimes having an incredible memory isn't a good thing. I remember details that other people don't. And then when they don't remember those details, it hurts, and I look creepy.

- Although I spend more than my fair share of time thinking about guy-stuff and matters of the heart, I do believe that having BG has helped me to refocus on being a mother again. Not to the extreme that I experienced with BB, but I'm in a much different place this time. There are few parallels between my life now and my life then. At this point though, I don't feel the desperate longing to be with someone. It would be nice, but I'll survive being alone for a while longer.

- I still need to do a post on the events of the crazy night that BG was born. I started one... it was really long, and I'm not sure how clear it was. It's such an emotional topic for me, and I hate to forget a detail. I think I need to redo it with less detail though... otherwise, it won't make sense to anyone other than myself.

- I need to try some new food. I don't remember the last time I tried something different. I'm in a rut. I also need to find some recipes that are relatively easy, but healthy and different. Everyone has been so generous in keeping my freezer filled with easy and quick meals, but I really need to start making a few things again. Getting groceries is proving to be a bit difficult. I take BG with me, since she goes everywhere with me, and there's only so much room in her stroller for groceries. Last time I hung some shopping bags off her stroller with my Mama Clip. I was able to get more, but it was awkward.

- Gah. Just spent the last hour and ten minutes on the phone with Handsome since my last random point. He makes me happy. "And on that note"... I'm going to end this.

Questions that make me say, "Ugh."

I've been asked three questions over the past three days that I've been unable to answer very well because I was put on the spot. Okay, not all three are actual questions, but all three should have had a decent response on my part, but instead I was so shocked that the question was asked (or the comment was made) that I couldn't really say anything meaningful or worthwhile... These are somewhat paraphrased because these conversations took place over the last few days and although I have a good memory, I don't always remember every little word. ;o)

1. "I know you still care about me. Is it difficult for you to spend so much time on the phone with me and with me?" "Ummmm... no, not at all. I'm happy to be have the opportunity to spend time with you again." "Cut the crap, cuddles. That's a canned response. How do you really feel?" Ugh.

2. "I know you'll do anything for me. You've proven it. Why is it that you'd do that for me?" "Because I care." Really, what more could I say to that one? Although I have come up with some additional responses since then, most go back to the one I gave. Ugh.

3. "Can I be direct with you?" "Always." "You still look at me with that dreamy look." "I do?" "Yes, you do." "I'm sorry, does that bother you?" Ugh.

I need a switch to turn these things off

Why can't I just be his friend? I was getting there. I was okay with it. And now that we're on the phone constantly again and spent the last two evenings together, I feel the old feelings resurfacing. Oh, and he's wonderful with BG. Maybe it's just that I'm feeling protective of him right now, and that's feeling like those other feelings?

How did I recognize that I was having these feelings? I felt sad going to bed last night without first having a late-night convo. And then I realized.

Am I going to act on these feelings? Nope. I know they're not reciprocated, and that's okay. And anyway, my head knows that going down that road again isn't smart. However, my head and my heart are often not connected these days... Maybe they never have been.

The sun, moon, and stars

There is another post I started almost a week ago that I haven't finished yet... I just can't seem to get the focus I need to finish it. However, I feel the need to write about this situation, so I'm jumping around a bit.

In the course of my friendship with Handsome, I've been finding out all sorts of little things that have made me raise an eyebrow. Things that don't add up with what he originally told me when we first started chatting online, or even things that he didn't tell me while we were seeing one another, that I feel he should have filled me in on. I wondered whether or not to confront him on these things, or if it would just make me seem crazy, since it's all in the past. I decided to sit on it, and if the opportunity arises, I would bring it up then. I find it amusing that I've gotten the truth more often as his friend than as more. At this point, I'm definitely okay with just being his friend and nothing more. I still care about him greatly, but am not hoping for more than friendship from him anymore.

I try not to talk about other people's "stuff" here. This isn't a gossip blog. ;o) But I will sometimes mention things in relation to how they affect me. Handsome is going through some major stuff right now. As his friend, I am going to do whatever I can to support him though this ordeal. To be honest, I have no way of knowing for certain whether he is innocent or not since I wasn't there to see what happened, but as his friend I have to believe what he is telling me and support him 100%, so that is what I am doing. And I do believe him. I was thinking about this last night, and decided that even if he told me that he wasn't innocent, I would still support him. I would be angry with him for being dishonest with me, but that would be confronted and dealt with. Not that I think that would happen. Just sayin'.

I sometimes go back and forth on the whole "things happen for a reason" mentality. Sometimes I think that is true; other times I think that no, that isn't the case, but that we do need to look for the silver lining in the things that happen. Today, I seem to be sitting in the "things happen for a reason" camp. I feel like he came into my life at a time when I needed a boost, and since that time he's helped me through many rough patches. I even give him credit for saving BB's life when he was so sick. I'm grateful for all of the kicks in the pants he's given me to make me take action. And now I feel like I've been put in his life to help support him through this. We had one of our typical mushy moments last night where we gush at one another. He had been out with someone he has been good friends with for many many years -- one of those friends that doesn't keep score, and is there for you no matter what happens. He told me that I'm in the same category as that other friend. I'm glad he sees that. Isn't it funny the way relationships change over time?

BG arrived two weeks ago today. The time has gone by so quickly, yet it feels like she's been here forever. The connection I feel to this little girl is amazing. Maybe it's the female bond? I never believed in that prior to now. I think part of it is the whole "I am woman hear me roar" thing I've had going on over the past several months as I become more strong and independent... it makes me want to instill those qualities into BG from the beginning.

But I digress. As usual.

My purpose of this post is to document my labour experience. It was exactly as I had hoped, but did not go according to plan! Are you ready? Here we go.

Thursday March 25 - I had some energy that evening, so I decided to get the house tidied up in case Handsome happened to decide to come over (we kept saying that we were going to get together but between him being sick, then BB being sick, and then me being sick, etc. it never happened, and I knew that this would be the last night until the following week that he would be able to drop in.) Also, I hadn't taken any baby bump pics since the night of my work Christmas party (posing for XH to take the pics was beyond awkward, so I hadn't gotten up the nerve to ask anyone else to take any more for me) and I knew that time was most likely running out, so I perched my camera on a stool that was perched on a chair and got a few baby bump shots. At 20:55 Handsome called and invited himself over. It was the first time I had seen him in three weeks, and it was clear that we were just friends now. But that was okay because I knew he was dating, and really, I'm not interested in being one of many. We had lots of laughs and a it was a great visit. It had been a while since I had last laughed that much... considering how bad the previous few weeks had been with BB being so sick, the laughter was much appreciated. Anyway, as he was leaving at 22:30, we hugged goodbye and he decided to try to pick me up to see how heavy I was. Pretty amusing, since I had only gained 27 lbs. (On a side note, I did nothing to assist him in his efforts to pick me up. If anything, I probably made it harder. At one point in time I probably would have had my legs wrapped around him if he had tried to do that.... Way to be strong, cuddles!) After he left, he did his usual calling me while on the road thing, and then I uploaded the bump pics to Facebook, and Handsome and I chatted on MSN until 01:00.

Friday, March 26 - After Handsome went to bed, I played around on the Internet for a while longer. Melissa and I exchanged comments on my bump picture, and I told her that I didn't think that the baby would be coming for a while yet as I was far too comfortable to be ready to go into labour anytime soon! At around 01:30 I realized that I should go to bed, afterall, if I were to go into labour within the next couple of days, I might regret missing out on that chance for sleep! I noticed that my back was hurting a bit, but I chalked it up to laying in a bad position with the Netbook and the belly. (It's not the first time I've done that!)

At 02:30, I woke up not feeling right. This had happened a few nights prior, and I used the washroom, then returned to bed in a different position and was fine. So I assumed the same thing would work again. But when I returned to bed I could tell that sleep wasn't going to happen the way it did the other time. Then I was suddenly hit with a wave of pain. I wondered if it might be a contraction (I was induced with Pitocin during my labour with BB, so I had no idea what to expect from a natural labour, and for the record, a natural labour was my goal. I'm not brave enough to do the home birth thing, but I did intend to be drug-free this time.) It passed after a minute and I breathed a sigh of relief. But then a few minutes later it happened again. I figured it must be Braxton Hicks, because it didn't make sense for real contractions to be happening so close together. After the third time I started trying to roughly time them... four minutes apart, lasting for almost a minute each. I went to the labour info website that my SIL/friend/labour support person had sent to me earlier in the week and it said that labour usually starts with contractions 30 minutes apart. I thought that it must be "fake" labour then and breathed a sigh of relief. However, by 3:30 it wasn't letting up. At this point I called my SIL to let her know what was going on. I played it down, since I didn't want to get everyone riled up over nothing and she said that if I wasn't able to sleep to call back in a couple of hours. I figured, "Hey, she's a nurse. She knows about this stuff." I was a bit disappointed that she wasn't jumping in the car to come to my place, but then again, it probably was just fake labour, right? As the next hour progressed I tried to time my contractions, but it was difficult to time them while dealing with them. I tried to distract myself by swimming in the pond (OMG, yes, I was in labour and trying to find a new man!), and looking at the labour website. One of the items on the website was a checklist of what to take to the hospital with you. It included warm socks in case your feet get cold. I hadn't packed warm socks, but there was a basket of clean laundry on my bedroom floor that had warm socks in it. So I laid on my floor, pawing through the basket of laundry while suffering through contractions, trying to find a warm pair of socks. *shaking head* I obviously wasn't thinking right at this point. I was becoming more and more scared. All alone with a 22 month old, outside of the city, and no support. And once again I was wondering, "How did this become my life?"

At close to 04:30 I went through the chart that outlined "real" labour vs. "fake" labour on the website... it seemed that I had all the "symptoms" of real labour. OMG. At 04:30 I called my SIL because the contractions were now two minutes apart and not pushing was becoming impossible. I think called XH to make arrangements for him to take BB earlier the next day than originally planned. Having to talk to him during all of this was murder. I had to deal with contractions while talking to him, and showing any signs of vulnerability to him was not something I wanted to do.

At around 05:00 help still had not arrived. I contemplated calling N to come over, but I knew that this wasn't something she would want to deal with (and really, we had made so many jokes about her having to deliver the baby, that it just seemed weird to actually suggest it might happen!) I even considered calling Handsome just to have him talk me down and tell me that no, I still had lots of time, be calm, etc. Instead I called my SIL again and demanded to know where she and my brother were. I wasn't very nice about it. (Turned out they weren't rushing as they thought they had lots of time... the took their dog out to pee, got dressed, didn't drive more than 10kph over the speed limit, etc.) They arrived at 05:15. I was standing at the island in my kitchen holding on for dear life, bellowing through my contractions. The look on my brother's face told me that he knew we all had to move quickly. My SIL asked me if I was nauseous (yes, I was nauseous and drenched in sweat) and then the realization hit her that this was the real deal. I managed to calmly explain to my brother which bags from my room needed to be loaded into the car, had him get me the garbage can from the bathroom to take with me in case I was sick in the car, directed him to find a pair of flip flops for me from my closet, had him grab my camera, etc. How I remained level headed to do this, I have no idea.... planning does seem to be how I react to a crisis though. Then we headed out to the car. The infant carrier seat caused the passenger seat to be pulled too far ahead for me to comfortably ride to the hospital, so I had to get back out of the car, remove the seat, let my brother know to move it into the house, and get back into the car. Once a bit of confusion over keys between my brother and SIL was cleared up we were finally on the road to the hospital.

I advised my SIL to pass anyone that was in our way. Luckily at 05:30 that only meant passing a couple of cars. Even on the way to the hospital, I was still worried they would tell me that this wasn't the real thing and would send me home.... all the while trying not to push in the car!

My SIL stopped at the ER doors and put my in a wheelchair and brought in my bags. She then ran into the ER to tell them what was happening. Then she went back out to park the car. While she was doing that, my water broke. (Next time you walk through the doors into the DECH ER, think of me!) She came back inside and again went into the ER asking for some help (you can't get up to Labour & Delivery after hours without someone from ER letting you through.) A couple of women sauntered over and looked at me through the glass, and eventually someone came out and started pushing my wheelchair. She didn't say a word to me, just gave the occasional order to my SIL. The ride was awful... the ceramic tiles on the floor are SO bumpy when you're in a wheelchair! We arrived in L&D at 05:50. One nurse checked for dilation and said that she could feel the baby's head, but that she would have another nurse confirm it. So the next nurse comes in, checks, says, "Yes, that's the baby's head. PUSH!" Eight minutes later at 05:58, BG was in my arms.

In all of the haste they didn't have time to try to drug me, catheterize me, or hook me up to their machines. One person did hold a fetal heart monitor to my stomach, but they didn't even bother trying to strap it on. They didn't have time to read my birth plan, but thankfully my SIL knew what was there and was able to direct them after the baby arrived so that all of my post-delivery wishes were followed. (All of my labour & delivery wishes basically revolved around not wanting drugs or interventions, so it seemed that I automatically got my way on those ones!)

After it was all over with I couldn't believe I had just given birth. I felt fantastic. When BB was born I felt like I had been hit by a train afterwards. It was the scariest 3.5 hours of my life (seriously, who wakes up an hour after they go to sleep with contractions 4 minutes apart?!) but I survived, and I'm happier it happened this way so I could have the birth go the way I wanted. When I started preparing for BG's arrival, I discovered that I had a lot of resentment towards the way my labour with BB happened. Now I feel that I can let go of that negativity because I've had the experience I had hoped for.

Rutted

I had so many things I had intended on accomplishing tonight with BB at XH's for the night. I was going to get on treadmill, shower, finally get my breast pump washed up, apply for my EI, bake a batch of muffins, etc. And now that it's just me and BG here, I feel exhausted. Physically, I'm more tired today than I have been since before BG was born. Emotionally, I'm spent. I feel guilty over not getting these things done tonight, especially since it's going to be a week before I have another "break" like this, but I think I need to just spend the evening doing what feels right. Maybe crying a little (yep, here come the tears), feeling a little sorry for myself, eating some ice cream, etc. Spend the evening in bed with BG and maybe catch up on some emails that I owe people. (My mother would tell me that I should be working on my thank-you cards. One more thing hanging over my head.) I've worked so hard since January to get myself out of the rut, that I feel so scared on nights like tonight when I feel myself slipping back into it. Maybe I should get BG dressed up and head into town or something... sure it's not accomplishing what I set out to do tonight, but maybe my mental health needs the trip out of the house? Ugh, but no, my face looks creepy, so no unnecessary trips to town for me. Be strong, cuddles.

One More to Add to the List

I've stopped asking "What next?" when thinking about all of the bad things that have happened to me over these past several months. It seems like it is only tempting fate. I've tried so very hard to keep a positive attitude, and keep that smile on my face, even if it means constantly laughing at myself and my situation. Now I can't even smile properly because I was diagnosed on Wednesday with Bell's Palsy! Over the day on Tuesday the right side of my face slowly stopped working, but I didn't clue in until Tuesday night when I could no longer blink or smile. It could take up to SIX MONTHS to correct itself! WTF?!

I have SO very much in my life that I am grateful for. So very very much! But come on! After all I've been through lately, at least let me have my vanity! I'm not feeling very reflective at the moment, just annoyed with it all. Hoping the silver lining jumps out at me soon!

18 Weeks

In the past 18 weeks, I have...

• lost my husband
• learned about compassion and betrayal
• discovered that I'm a much stronger person that I ever gave myself credit for
• bought a house
• learned that I can be independent and yet still ask, and rely on, others for help
• been reminded that my family will always be there for me regardless of how hard I try to push them away
• taken a lover and then somehow found the strength to let him go and simply be his friend
• learned that I can love again, and even trust again, in spite of the hurtful act that was committed against me by the person I believed I could trust more than anyone else in the world
• met my husband's mistress and was calm and friendly, for the sake of my children
• played nurse to my son while he suffered from pneumonia and dehydration
• fought for my son's health when the doctors at the hospital would not believe he really was a very sick little boy
• stayed with my son in the hospital for several days and many scary moments while he recovered from his illness
• spent four sweet days at home with BB after he was released from the hospital, doing nothing but colouring and drawing at the kitchen table
• given birth to an amazing baby girl who is currently curled up naked on my bare chest.

Life is good. Life is sweet. Life takes unexpected turns sometimes and I need to find a way to embrace them. I often need to remind myself of this, but I do believe it.

Mini Rant

Biting my tongue really hurts. It's quite painful. I tend to live out loud and feel like I've been squelching myself for the past several months.

Today I'm filled with fear, rage, and frustration and can't even say why. I'm soooo tired of censoring myself. It's not me.

So many things need to get settled (and quickly) so I can go back to being the me that I'm meant to be.

March Randoms

Here we are, well into March. Here's some of the randomness floating around my head tonight...

• BB has been sick since last Friday. I'm very grateful that he isn't one of those children that is sick all the time. I'm sure the fact that he eats quite healthy makes a big difference. The other night, in my desperate attempt to get him to eat something, anything, I tried giving him a popsicle, and he screamed, "Nooooooo!" as if I was attempting to poison him. Most kinds know that a popsicle is a treat. BB doesn't.

• I'm now 38 weeks + 3 days. Or so they say. But that does tie in with the fact that I felt like I conceived on July 4. It's amusing to watch the doctors try to predict what BG will weigh. I was told two weeks ago that she'll probably weigh about 8.5 lbs. Today I was told she would weigh 7-something. Really, does it matter? My doctor also told me that when I go in next week that they'll sweep my membranes. At my last appointment I asked that they NOT do this at 39 weeks. So again today I had to remind her. And I'm sure next week as well I'll have to go in with my thighs pressed firmly together to keep them out of me. Yeesh. Why rush it? She'll come out when she's ready. I'm not ready for her to arrive, there's still too much to do. And I've spent so much time just sitting here next to BB since last Friday that I'm definitely behind. But he deserves all of the love and attention I can give him.

• I had a dream last night about nursing. It made me feel a bit excited to get started again. I keep wondering if BB will want to start again. I'm hoping so. I think it will be a good way to make him not feel left out when the baby arrives. And he could use the extra goodness in his little body right now too.

• Things have slowed down on the Handsome front. I haven't even seen him since last weekend. He's taken someone else out a couple of times now. I suspect they're going to get together. It makes me sad. But I'm finding that when I'm not around him I feel annoyed by the whole situation. However, as soon as I see him, I turn to putty. And regardless of my annoyance I still care about him a lot. But at least I'm learning to let go. I really hope we'll still be friends though, even after he has found someone else.

• I'm still swimming in the pond. I can admit I'm quite superficial. A guy needs to be what I consider good-looking before I'm going to be willing to bother making the effort to meet him. I was chatting with one guy who didn't have a pic. We got along quite well, and eventually moved the conversation onto MSN. Then he finally sent a picture. Overweight and homely. It would be different if I was friends first with someone, then discovered a spark there... I'm sure looks would be less of a factor. But since it is online DATING, I need to be physically drawn to someone before considering anything further. There is a message in my inbox from him asking if he can take me out to dinner this weekend. How do I say, "I know we got along quite well while we were chatting, but you're just too darned fugly for me to want to stare at for an entire meal"?? I don't like being mean like that.

• Somehow while swimming I ended up chatting with some guy who is married. It seems odd that I even bothered replying to him, but I do recall his first message just being one wishing me luck with the baby and telling me that he could never be more than a friend (as I state that I'm looking for an LTR) so I probably just politely replied with a "Thanks, I appreciate that." sort of message. Anyway, I now chat with this guy (Handsome and I call him The Married Guy - TMG) more than anyone else on there. Weird. No, I have no intentions of meeting him (although Handsome seems to think that I'm going to meet him at some point) and I have no idea what he looks like (he holds his cards close to his chest, for good reason.) I don't want to become the other woman. And I don't agree with his reasons for being on the site, and I've made that clear to him. However, I am enjoying his conversation. He reminds me quite a bit of Handsome, but with fewer typos.

• I keep wondering how the baby is going to change my outlook on everything... on fishing, on Handsome, on TMG, etc. Will it take my focus off trying to find that missing piece for a while? Or will I just keep plugging away at it? I find it amusing that I'm full term and still considering going out on dates with people. I never would have dreamed in a million years that I'd be in this position. I hope that the rush of hormones after the baby is born will help me refocus on my duties of being a mother. Not that I've been neglecting them, but I don't feel like it's been my main focus either.

• BB is passed out next to me on the bed. He's so beautiful. He's been my reason for continuing on all of the times when everything has seemed too difficult to bear. A lot of weight on the shoulders of a 22 month old. Thankfully, he'll never know.

• Last Friday I survived the 10th anniversary of meeting XH. It was also our 6th wedding anniversary. It was not an easy day. I often live by the motto of no regrets, yet I kept wondering what would have happened if I had never invited him over to watch The Simpsons that night. But then I look at BB and I know that it wasn't a waste. There was a purpose to it. A reason for it.

• If you love someone, tell them. I was foolish enough to do it to Handsome after he ended things and he didn't run and hide (surprisingly.) I don't think love is something you should keep to yourself. There isn't enough of it in the world, it seems. xo

Funny

Funny how a phone call can put all the drama to bed. Definitely am NOT interested in anything with the army guy. He might be nice enough, but has a bit too much resentfulness towards his ex and is definitely NOT for me. I think his energy would bring me down.

54 minutes on the phone solves THAT dilemma! :)

Handsome is coming over tomorrow night. Yay!

Drama

I said that I wasn't going to post personal stuff for a while, but it's so hard. I know my friends have to be tired of hearing me talk about this stuff. I need an outlet, I need my blog!

Today is the last day of February. This morning I am finding myself reflecting on the past month. It has had its ups and downs for sure. The month began with my newest love interest breaking my heart, but it turns out that he hasn't left my life. In fact, he's still a very big part of my life. If it weren't for the fact that I know we're not together, I'd almost be able to convince myself that we still are. My friends think he's playing games with me. I see it, but I'm choosing to let it happen. I don't want to walk away. He's still giving me so much and I'm greedily gobbling it all up. Yes, I'm probably going to get hurt again, but that's a chance I'm willing to take to still have him be a part of my life.

All of that being said, yes, I am still swimming in the pond. I was supposed to meet someone today, but it felt icky. I think it's due to two reasons. The first one is that he seems too much like the previous two guys I've been in long-term relationships with. The second one is the matter I mentioned above. I like to think that if I meet someone who has several of the qualities on my list of things I'm looking for, that I'd feel better about meeting them. But I'm so hung up on the other guy, that perhaps I wouldn't. I can't tell.

As February closes I am finding myself at a crossroads. The last few days I've been chatting with someone who does have several qualities from "the list." He can write a real message and has contacted me often this weekend. Very nice. However, he's in the military. I have no issue whatsoever with army guys. Yes, some give the others a bad rep, but I don't believe in painting everyone with the same brush. What does make me pause is the fact that he will most likely be posted elsewhere at some point in the future. I am not leaving the area. Do I want to open myself up to this person knowing that it won't work out? Yes, I know it's premature to think about that sort of thing, but I do. I am a future thinker, for sure. I was discussing this issue last night with the guy discussed in paragraph 2 (I really need to give him a name to make this easier. Let's call him "Handsome" for now. OMG, that sounds cheesy!) As I said to him last night, "Yes, I need to do what is best for me, but there are a lot of other people's lives to take into consideration when considering a new relationship." There's my family - they've done so much to help me, it wouldn't be fair to up and leave them. There's the children - I feel that they deserve to grow up surrounded by their family that loves them. There's even XH - moving would make his time with the children much more difficult and infrequent. And to be honest, I really don't want to leave my safety net. Every time I've left this city, bad things happen. I think that I'm meant to be here.

And again, it all boils down to the fact that I'd rather be with Handsome than anyone else. How did he get under my skin like this? Why am I even looking for someone else? I think I'm hoping that another Handsome will come along and sweep me off my feet the way the first one did. No one else truly measures up though. I know the smart thing to do right now would be to stop holding out my heart to him, waiting for him to take it. Put it back in my chest and let it wait in there for BN2 to arrive in four weeks, and use it to love her when she arrives. But there's so much that I have to give. Enough for both of them, and BB too. Perhaps when BN2 arrives it will change my focus. I remember the effect the hormones had on me last time. Suddenly nothing else mattered but my little family. Maybe all of this guy drama will fade into the background. One thing that I do know for certain is that regardless of what happens relationship-wise with Handsome, I very much would still like to be his friend, and I hope that in spite of everything we'll manage to keep that friendship.

I miss you

Hello blog. I miss you. I moved all of your old posts to the private blog the other day. I miss knowing that I can express my thoughts here anytime I want to release them without directing them at any one person. However, until prying eyes can't hurt me, it's best that I keep my thoughts and my personal life as private things.

I will say that I am missing being loved. It's so hard to stand back and love someone and know that while they like and care for you they don't love you. For now I will wait and hope that time has a way of making things right again. xo to you my love.

Alone again

I had a hard time showering tonight. I could smell his cologne in my hair and hated to wash away the scent. When I returned to the living room after showering I was warmed and heartbroken to be greeted with the familiar scent.

Why do I fall in love with the wrong people? Why does my heart have to be in a constant broken state? I was so happy with him, and the weird thing is, he was happy with me too, but knows that he doesn't want to be tied down to someone with a newborn and a small child right now. Do I regret meeting him? No. He's given me so much. What we had was amazing, even if it only lasted for a little over a month. My heart hurts so much right now. I'm going to bed and hopefully I'll find the strength to continue on tomorrow, because tonight, I'm not so certain I'll have it.

Dear Neglected Blog...

I slowly hand over my heart, broken piece by broken piece. Hoping he'll be careful with it. Hoping he'll gently hold the bits while I try to piece it all together again. Maybe I shouldn't expect that from him... perhaps he'll just toss all the pieces on the floor. My head screams caution, but my emotions have always won out, continue to win out, and will continue to do so in the future. Trusting isn't easy for me anymore, but yet I continue to try, feeling like I'm constantly exposing myself, leaving myself open for rejection. Why? Because my heart soars when he doesn't reject me... when the phone rings, when he arrives at my door, when he holds me in his strong arms, when he caresses my very pregnant belly.

But when a day goes by and I don't hear from him, I feel like I'm freefalling again. I shouldn't be so dependant on the feelings of happiness I get when I'm around him. I should be focusing on BB and BN2. I know that. But there's a big selfish part of me that also needs to focus on me right now, and I NEED to feel something other than sadness and hurt.

I worry that I'm one of those people who can't be alone, someone who always needs to be in a relationship. I guess as long as I'm not dragging these people in and out of my children's lives, it's only me that has to suffer the consequences. So far BB hasn't met him. It works out well that BB is so young and goes to bed so early in the evening.

I know it's only been four weeks but at this point I feel like I'd like him to be a part of my life for a long while. I understand that things can change on a dime though. I've had it happen to me. And I don't know where his head is at. He's the one that keeps reeling me in, reminding me that I'm just getting out of a ten year relationship, that I should be taking things one day at a time. But I don't feel like he's a rebound. I feel too deeply for him for this relationship to be of that nature.

Today I am freefalling. XH moved his stuff out of my basement yesterday. I'm glad to be rid of it, but the mess that has been left behind is awful. My house reminds me of myself right now. I'm trying to get it organized, putting things where they belong, renovating where possible, getting rid of the stuff that doesn't belong, dealing with the mess that is left behind. I question how involved he is going to be with the children. He is already planning on going a week a half without seeing BB... this after saying he wanted to see BB at least 2-3 times a week. And then last night he started questioning whether he will even bond with BN2 and seems to be considering not being a part of her life. My heart breaks for my children. On top of the XH stuff, I didn't hear from "him" last night... we spent the weekend away together, so a night of not hearing from him when he's out of town on business shouldn't be the end of the world. But it's all compounded into me feeling like I'm skydiving without a parachute, and I am so incredibly scared of heights.

A New Year, A New Beginning

It's been a while since my last post.  In fact, I believe this might be my first one of 2010.  XH (yep, he has a new name) moved out on New Year's Day.  Well, he's gone, but most of his stuff is still at the house.  I cried that morning when we said good bye, but more for the loss of my doggies than for what was lost between us.  I haven't cried since. 

 

I've let go of most of the anger.  I have a lot of resentment towards how I was treated.  That probably won't go away.  I can't predict the future though. 

 

Lately I've been thinking about moving all of my old posts to the private blog.  I feel like I've let my dirty laundry hang out long enough.  I think it's time to reel in all of the past

life and tuck it into bed.  I'm debating what to do with all of my old FB albums.  I don't like denying the past, but all the pictures of XH and I beaming at the world seem a bit odd now. 

 

In hindsight, what we had wasn't a marriage.  It was a comfortable, convenient friendship.  I can see that now. 

 

I'm moving on.  I know it's too soon.  I'm sure that's what everyone will tell me.  But I've met someone and I'm happy.  I don't want to jinx it by saying too much.  Again, it's soon.  The relationship is still in its infancy.  But he meets all of the "dream guy" criteria I've had in my head for a long time now.  I started the criteria list long before XH and I even came close to breaking up.  In addition to meeting the "criteria", he takes my breath away when I look at him.  He listens to me and seems to "get" what I'm saying even though I'm not so good with the words.  He's caring and affectionate.  He gives the best foot rubs.  :)  I could go on and on.  It would be fantastic if it works out between us, but I'm trying to caution myself not to get too swept away.  I know it's too soon.  But I'm happy right now.  For the first time in an incredibly long time, I am happy, and for now, I'm going to enjoy it. 

Removing A Chunk of Previous Post

I'm moving my previous post to the locked-down-no-one-sees-it-blog. It has a lot of the details that belong to DH that I needed to record for my own healing.

The gist: DH has been cheating on me since September.

Here is a repost of what I posted at 02:30 this morning, but with some details removed...

I am a fool.

I need to do this post properly, yet it's 02:30, and I really should be in bed. I'm not sure if I'll be able to sleep though.

While DH was bathing BB on Christmas Eve (before he left for his outing with his "friend") he received a text message. He told me that it was just his "friend" sending him directions. Christmas morning I did something I shouldn't have done. DH left his phone in the bathroom when he returned home early Christmas morning, so I looked into his text messages, because I was curious where she lived. Instead of directions, her message was asking him if he wanted to play a game that night. Huh? I thought they were looking at Christmas lights. And I thought that she sent him directions. Vibrating, I checked his sent messages to see what he had in there. The only message was from a few weeks ago when our power was out, and he told her that the power was out, that he couldn't call, and it was ended with "goodnight love". HUH? At this point, I marched downstairs and confronted him. He told me that the game thing was just an inside joke (that I'm guessing my small mind wouldn't understand) and that they did look at Christmas lights. While down there, I noticed an empty wine glass on the floor and asked about that. Turned out he had a glass the night of the 23rd, but then lied about it the next morning, when I congratulated him on his five nights of sobriety. This put me over the edge. We spent most of Christmas morning discussing everything again and again. He promised that he wouldn't lie to me again (another lie as you'll see.) I asked him about his outgoing message, and he said that it was just a term of endearment (that he picked up off a friend of ours who calls his dogs and female friends "love") but that he didn't love her, and didn't have those sorts of feelings towards her and that he wasn't getting that vibe from her either.

Fast forward to tonight. I went to a movie with N and her husband, and a while after I returned home, he came upstairs and confessed everything. Or what I hope is everything. Because if this keeps getting drawn out any longer I may go crazy. Turns out he posted an ad back in September looking for something. He won't tell me what, but it was something specific and if he tells me that he'll be invading her privacy. (Eff her privacy, I say. I want the closure.) Anyway, she responded to the ad (and this is where I deleted out the details of their meetings.) I am gonig to mention; however, that he took her with him on his trip to Virginia. (You know, the one where he had the "epiphany" that he no longer loved me?) And that was supposed to be the end of their fling though because she didn't want to be involved in a relationship with a married man. He claims that he didn't love her then. And that when he broke up with me, they were no longer together, and that when he said he was breaking up with me because he no longer loved me, he meant it, that it wasn't because of her. The Kijiji ad that he posted looking for a friend? All a fake just to fool me. Job well done. He told me tonight that when I asked him on Christmas morning if he loved her that he could have said yes. When I outright asked, he told me that hey had sex on Christmas eve (after lying once that no, they hadn't.)

I knew something didn't seem quite right... wasn't adding up. But every time I'd squeeze something else out of him, he'd promise that he was done with the lying.

In all honesty, once again, I'm relieved to know the truth. I feel like this has given me a bit more closure. I'm much more angry with him now though, yet I still care about him.

I don't know what is truth and what is a lie anymore. He swears that she is the only person he's even cheated on me with. But again, do I believe him? What reason does he have to lie about that? But what reason did he have to lie about the lies about the lies?

He wants out of the house now. My initial reaction was to kick him out tonight, but I managed to bite my tongue. I can't handle the dogs plus BB on top of being pregnant. I need to play my cards right and try not to say or do anything that is going to make life even more complicated. I've also considered cutting him out of the children's lives, since I really don't want his mess spilling over on to them. But I'm not sure if that's the right thing for the children. He thinks that he'll be able to stop drinking once he's out of the house. I wish I could believe in him, but I can't right now. Because right now he's just looking to get out, even if that means renting a room and coming over here several times a day to take care of the poor dogs. (Don't worry folks, I'll try to give them as much love and freedom as I can when he's not around.) I predict that if he's still drinking then, it will be blamed on the fact that he still has to come here so frequently, and that once that's over with, he'll be okay. And so on and so on. He claims that he's made a promise to himself that if he does "slip" once he's out of the house, regardless of the situation, he's going to get counselling. I hope he does. I wish he would regardless.

I told him tonight that I don't want him there for the birth of BN2. He's okay with it and understands. I'm going to ask my brother's gf who has been such a huge support to me through all of this. Hopefully she'll be able to do it. I may change my mind in the meantime, but right now the idea of him makes me feel dirty. To think that he was fooling around with her (I'm really working hard here to not call her mean names because really, although she knew the situation, it's really his fault) and still sleeping with me. Accepting my love and my kisses. BNL has a line in one of their songs with has always resonated with me, "It's cruel, unusual punishment to kiss fingerprinted skin." It's funny that the line has been going through my head a lot lately. I feel dirty. I worry that she might not be clean. I might talk to the doctor about it the next time I'm in.

I feel like such a fool. I've defended him to so many people. I've wanted people to not hate him, since he's still the father to my children. I still don't want people to hate him for that exact reason, but I certainly do have less respect for him now. It will be harder to defend him now. But I don't want to get in the habit of bashing him at every opportunity. There isn't room in my heart for all of that bitterness. That sort of stuff eats at the very core of your being and changes who you are. And like I said, I do still care.

Did he tell me because he wanted me to know? No. He told me to lighten his load. But I'd rather know the truth than find out tidbits slowly over time, or to have to live with the suspicions.

You know, I just remembered something... he told me one time that he'd never cheat on me, because his ex cheated on him and he remembered how terrible that felt and would never do that to me. Heh. Another promise broken.

Keep it together

It seems cheap and tacky to post this blog entry tonight--Christmas Eve. Everyone I know is with their families tonight, continuing their Christmas traditions. Happy. All of their Facebook statuses are wishing everyone a merry Christmas. I can't even bring myself to update mine. I don't want to put something negative and draw attention to myself, but I can't pretend to be happy. I'm so sick of pretending for everyone else's sake. I don't know where else to turn but here to my blog. I don't even know how to express the emptiness I am feeling and have been feeling. This entry is probably going to seem as random and disjointed as I'm feeling, but whatever. I need to do something or else I may lose my mind or do something a little bit crazy that I can never take back. Maybe this will get me over the hump of tonight.

I'm sitting here alone. BB is in bed. DH (gawd, I need to come up with a new name for him. "The man I love with all my heart yet have been feeling so incredibly angry with lately"? A bit too long...) just headed out to meet up with his new "friend" in SJ to look at Christmas lights with her. (He claims they're just friends, and he hasn't gotten anything but friendship vibes from her... but that doesn't make it any easier on me when he's choosing to spend his time with another female.) Yes, I could have asked my parents to come out, but somehow that just seems even more lonely to me. And more frustrating, because they I have to put on that damn happy face. The "everything is going to be okay" face. The "at least I still have BB and BN2" face. The "at least DH and I are still friends" face. I'm f*cking sick of putting on those faces for everyone. I want to scream to the world that I'm miserable, that I'm lonely, that there are many times where I don't even want to live anymore. The only thing keeping me holding on is BB. It seems like an awful lot of responsibility for someone who is only 19 months old. But if I tell the world that I'm feeling this way, it just turns me into a spectacle. It makes my parents worry and in turn, drive me even crazier.

I hate that I feel so guilty about everything. DH is sad that he's spending a Christmas afternoon alone. He's afraid he's going to drink. He normally doesn't give a care about Christmas. I was always the one that made it into a big production. For some reason he suddenly does care this year. Had I known that he was worried about how he'd handle the day, I wouldn't have told my parents that BB and I would be down for the afternoon for Christmas dinner, etc. I would have just stayed here in an effort to help distract him. But then I feel so much anger at feeling that guilt. After all, he left me here alone curled in a ball on the love seat sobbing my heart out because I'm alone on Christmas eve. He's the one that doesn't love ME anymore. Why the hell do I still have to love him so gawddamned much? Why do I constantly consider his feelings? Why do I wish I could save him? He certainly didn't give me that sort of consideration. I feel guilty that I got angry when he left. I was tidying up BB's toys in the living room so that it doesn't look like a complete disaster when I take pics of BB opening his gifts tomorrow morning, and I got so angry at him that I took BB's little Mega Block truck and whipped it across the room and into his toy box. He told me that I won't be alone tomorrow night. I told him that I'm alone every night now. He said that he'd spend the evening upstairs with me and we'd play a board game. I feel guilty that he's agreed to do that because what if spending time with me makes him want to drink more? He told me earlier today that he can't talk about stuff with me when he's craving a drink because I was one of his drinking buddies. I haven't drank with him in almost two and half years... I feel angry that I've been painted with that brush. Then I feel guilty for the lifestyle we used to share.

BB and I watched videos today that I had taken in the summer when the three of us went to the park. I remember it being such a fun day. I was so happy. I thought we all were. Now looking at the videos, it all seems like such a lie. I feel terrible, because I feel like BB's entire life up until this point has been a complete sham. I can't believe both of my children were conceived without both of their parents loving each other with all of their hearts. My heart is so incredibly broken beyond belief.

I don't know what to do anymore. I just need to hold it together, and the pain will pass, right? Keep it together.

Separation Ramblings

It's been about a week and a half since I last posted.  Lots has happened.  The overall result to my life has not changed though. 

 

First of all, DH told me last week that it's okay for me to write about the thing that I thought I shouldn't write about.  We had been talking about how I had used the blog as a way to sort through how I was feeling, and he told me that I should feel free to write about it and that I don't need to keep it a secret.  He's not advertising this, but it's not a secret.  He has finally admitted to himself that he is an alcoholic.  No, he's not the type of alcoholic who wakes up in the morning and grabs his bottle to help with his hangover.  He's not the abusive type.  He's not what most people think of when they think of an alcoholic.  He's the sit in the basement by himself and drink beer every night type.  There have been a lot of contributing factors to this…  We always drank together several nights a week before we decided to have BB.  After we were married, we seemed to surround ourselves with new friends who enjoyed drinking and laughing as much as we did.  Somewhere in there, the drinking became his way of trying to hide from the fact that he wasn't happy.  The week after he broke up with me the drinking became much worse.  The following Saturday morning I found him hunched over his computer at 02:00.  I asked him what he was doing (my paranoid mind figured he must be chatting with a girl online) and he told me that he was trying to get over drinking.  At the time I thought it was just another one of his attempts to stop drinking.  It wasn't until the next day when we finally had a chance to sit down and talk that I realized how serious this was.  I knew he had a problem, but whenever I'd ask him about it, he would always brush it off.  He had made attempts to stop a few times over the past year or two when trying to get in shape, but after a short while would make excuses and start drinking again.  It was easier for me to believe that he really was in control than to confront him and risk a fight.  *sigh*  I always avoid the fights with him.  After that night, he managed to go three nights without a drink, and then had one beer on Tuesday.  He's now lasted seven nights without a drink.  I'm so proud of him.  I know he's struggling.  He won't ask for help.  For his sake, and for the sake of our children, I really hope he can do this. 

 

That same weekend, he posted an ad on Kijiji looking for an activity partner.  He decided that he needs a friend to do the things that he feels he's been missing out on with.  He had a few loons respond, but one girl in a nearby city responded to his ad, and they seem to have become friends.  He met her last weekend and spend the two hours they were together completely unloading on her.  I'm glad he has someone he feels he can talk to.  I "get" that I'm so tangled up in this entire mess that talking to me isn't the same as talking to someone who is completely unrelated to everything.  A fresh perspective, she is.  A jealous ex, I am.  But I'm not as jealous as I expected to be.  He seems quite adamant that he only wants to be friends with her…  that the pressure of a new relationship would make it hard for him not to drink to relieve the stress.  And remarkably, I don't hate her.  I really am glad that she's helped him to feel a bit better.  I wish I could be the one that he is turning to though. 

 

I had decided that I need to stop staying at the house.  Things were feeling really bad.  I felt like I wasn't letting go, or moving on.  The last couple of nights though have felt a bit better though.  I once again think that staying at the house is the right thing to do.  But it's difficult sharing a house with the man you love when he doesn't have those same feelings for you.  I'm constantly refraining from grabbing his butt, or giving him a quick snuggle when I walk by him.  The idea of house-sitting gave me a bit of a distraction for a day or two, before I realized that nothing would probably come of it.  But that was another couple of days that I survived. 

 

We've spent a few nights working on the separation agreement.  The first evening resulted in me crying, hand flailing, and accusing him of "gallivanting" around, when I found out that we had a misunderstanding on our agreement of not moving on to new relationships of any sort while we're both still living at the house.  He thought it meant no over-night guests.  I meant no moving on at all.  Big difference.  Our second evening of working on it was much more productive.  Then we sat down for a third evening and made a few touch-ups that we thought of after.  And last night we finally signed off on it.  It's basically a good-faith agreement between the two of us.  Because we're doing this amicably, we don't feel the need to go through lawyers.  We both agree that things will only get messier if they get involved.  I've watched it happen…  greed sets in and suddenly the couple is no longer working together but rather are working against one another.  Signing off on the agreement was difficult for me.  It was hard to watch him sign his name and see that it didn't bother him at all.  It's hard to know that he's so over me so quickly.  I can't even fathom it.  After we finished signing, he held me for a bit while I cried.  I know he feels bad for what he's done. 

 

I've asked him so many times over the years whether or not he's happy.  He always told me that he was.  I wish one of those times, before it was too late, that he would have actually thought about the question, and said that he wasn't, so that we could go get help.  Rescue our relationship. 

 

I'm trying to be mature and let him go.  It's not easy.  I feel so undesirable and unlovable.  This next part is going to sound foolish…  But as we were talking about this the other night, he encouraged me to put an ad out on a dating website.  Not that I'm looking for a relationship, but rather just to prove to myself that people would still be interested, even though I'm in an odd situation at the moment.  He even told me that despite our promises of not moving on, that I should consider going out on a date or two if I wanted, and he would be willing to stay with BB, and would not try to bend the rules for himself.  It's so odd to see him care for me in this way.  Part of me thinks that maybe he's just doing this to relieve his own guilt, but another part of me knows better.  So, I posted an ad.  I was up front and honest, no holds barred.  And would you believe some people actually responded?  And they were nice responses too.  I was told that I seemed down to earth, and that my profile was honest and funny.  Wow.  That was a major pick-me-up.  It's odd to have 40-something year old men interested in me…  when DH and I got together we were only 21.  I liked boys then.  Somewhere in there, I graduated to men, and didn't even realize it.  I'll probably never meet any of these guys, and once the baby arrives, there will be no time for any of that nonsense anyway.  But for now, it's providing me with a bit of a distraction and boosting my self-esteem in a cheap 15-year-old-girl kind of way. 

 

My SIL and I have spent time the past two Sundays together.  She's become an amazing friend to me through this.  She's so supportive and caring.  She's non-judgmental.  When I told her about my online ad, she was happy for me.  She totally "got" why I had to do it.  When I told my two BFFs about it, one didn't really say much, and the other (who I usually communicate with through email) pretty much chastised me in her reply.  But I know that if a friend of mine told me that her husband broke up with her two weeks ago and she was 24 weeks pregnant  and putting ads on dating websites, I'd be like, "Honey!  Woah!  Take a breather.  Take some time to heal first."  So, I guess perhaps this whole experience is giving me a new perspective on things.  It's definitely opened up my eyes to a lot of things.  And my SIL is showing me how to be a good friend. 

 

This has become quite long and rambling.  I still have so much to say.  I'm feeling so much.  There are times when I feel hope for the future.  Most of the time I feel sadness for what I've lost.  I know there will be happiness in my future, but I need to learn to trust again before that will ever happen.