Technological Musings

Since returning to work in May it feels as if DH and I have barely had a chance to catch our breath, let alone sit down and have a chat about anything. Life has been on fast forward for the past five months. Today is day three of my work-imposed sick vacation. Yesterday afternoon I signed onto aMSN for the first time since returning to work and had a great chat with DH. And we've been chatting for close to an hour this morning (I'm feeling much better today, and am going to try to not nap the day away!) It's nice to connect with him, even if it isn't in person! Technology is wonderful. Without it, I wouldn't have met DH in the first place!

H1N1, Anyone?

On Saturday night I came down with a cold. I could feel it taking a hold of me while I was out to dinner with N & S. I felt yucky on Sunday, but only cold-yucky—nothing to really worry about. Yesterday I went to work, but I took yesterday afternoon off because I had two appointments. I went for my maternal serum screening (cross your fingers for no false positives this time!) and then I took BB for his flu shot.

That’s the background.

So yesterday afternoon, after both of our appointments were over with, I was sitting on the couch reading stories to BB. I had noticed throughout the day that I had a bit of a cough, but nothing too terrible. Suddenly, I’m coughing so hard that it feels like my lungs are going to fly out of my mouth. This went on for about half an hour, then I remembered that all of my office’s H1N1 fear propaganda mentions that one of the symptoms of the flu is sudden onset of acute respiratory illness. At this point, I decided to check my temperature to see if was over 38C. Low and behold it was.

As soon as DH returned home from work I called Telecare to see if I should be panicking. After a lengthy consultation, the nurse told me that I need to see a doctor within three hours as I am exhibiting symptoms of H1N1. What??!! She was supposed to tell me it was all in my head and I was listening to the CBC far too much! The nurse gave me the number of the clinic that is only six minutes from my house, and told me to call ahead in case they have any special protocol for bringing someone with these symptoms into the office so I wouldn’t infect the other patients.

I called the clinic and the lady who answered the phone sounded positively annoyed with me. She told me they don’t have any sort of a protocol for this situation, but asked if I have a face mask. Everything I’ve heard in the media says NOT to run out and buy face masks, because most people use them incorrectly and it gives them a false sense of security. So no, I didn’t have a face mask. After a big sigh, she told me to come in and go directly to the desk and they would find an isolated room to put me in.

When I arrived at the clinic, there was a young girl working at the desk. I didn’t want to come right out and say, “Hi, I’m the person who has the H1N1 symptoms!” That would have caused mass panic in the waiting room full of people! So I just said, “Hi, I’m the person who called a few minutes ago.” Luckily she was in the loop and said, “You’re the lady from The Settlement?” Ahhhhh! She understood my desire to not create panic and was on the same page! Sweet! She summoned the older lady that I had been talking to on the phone by saying, “This is the lady from The Settlement.” Sweet! The older lady acknowledged the fact that I had brought my own pen to sign in with and then whisked me away to my own room.

Once in the room, the nurse informed me with more than a trace of resentment in her voice that Telecare should NOT have sent me to their clinic. They cannot do the H1N1 swab there as it can only be done at the hospital. She also said that she spoke with the doctor to inform him that they needed to come up with some sort of protocol for when people like me do arrive at the clinic. Well, I’m sorry that I inconvenienced you ma’am, I’m just doing what I’ve been told to do in order to make sure that my baby and I will be okay.

After waiting a short while, ten minutes max, the doctor arrived. At first he seemed almost mocking. As if he was thinking, “Foolish lady, thinking you have the swine flu!” But the more we talked the nicer he became. I think he realized that I realize there’s a lot of hype around the whole thing and that I there because Telecare sent me there. After asking a bunch of questions, he told me he didn’t believe that I had H1N1, or even the flu. He told me to get lots of rest and fluids, and gave me a note for work to stay home for a few days, or until I’m feeling better. We had a nice chat and made fun of the media lots. He definitely brought down my anxiety level. Before leaving the house I was convinced I was going to be the next story on the news about a pregnant lady dying with the flu! I worried that it would be my last time seeing BB. My fears took over all of my common sense. And then I returned home about half an hour after I had originally left!

My office’s pandemic rules say that we can’t return to work until we’ve been fever free for over 24 hours. I still have my fever this morning, so I guess I’ll be home tomorrow as well.

The funny thing is that last week, I was totally craving a day off. A day to nap, relax, and just let go of everything. Apparently, I should have listened to my body.

And now for the important lesson you should take away from this story: If you need to see a doctor, tell them you have H1N1 symptoms, and then you can butt an entire waiting room full of people at the after hours clinic!

Finally an Update!

I'm way past due for an update!  As I recently mentioned to Emilie, I had been feeling guilty about not updating as much now, but I've been busy living my life rather than logging it!  Soon, I'm sure I'll have lots of "down time" again to update on a more regular basis.  (Yeah, yeah, I know what you're thinking… "You're going to have two kids, you think you're going to have "down time"?  But not having 44 hours a week in the office will make a huge difference to my time!)

 

So, here are the odds and sods… updates and what's going through my head at the moment. 

 

• My ultrasound (almost four weeks ago!) showed that I was 11 weeks + 5 days.  So as of today, I'm 15 weeks + 3 days.  The time is going by so quickly.  I remember it dragging during my first pregnancy, but I'm so busy with BB and work that I blink and another day or week has passed. 
• My doc is already showing that he has math issues.  We ran into this a lot last time.  My last appointment was exactly two weeks after my ultrasound.  I told him that the u/s showed that I was 11 weeks + 5 days.  So he pulled out his little round, pregnancy calendar thingy, and informs me that I am now 13 weeks + 3 days.  Huh?  11 weeks + 5 days plus 2 weeks equals 13 weeks + 3 days?  I corrected him (because I figured it was an obvious correction), and he said, "Well, these things are never exact."  Ah, nice cover!  I get that they're not exact, but math *is* exact.  Or at least it should be!  Last time I stopped correcting him because I realized there was really no point and it just made me look like a smart ass, and this incident reminded me of that.  So again, I'll just grin and nod at whatever tells me, and count down the weeks until I move on to the OB, who seems to have more of a clue than he does. 
• I feel like I was put on this planet to be pregnant.  My pregnant state feels much more natural to me than my non-pregnant state.  Is it a female thing?  Is this what makes us keep having babies?  Even putting on my big, warm sweaters… last winter I felt empty in them without my baby belly.  When I started wearing them again this fall, the felt so much more right. 
• I've been thinking a lot lately about how friendships change and people drift apart.  It's something I'd like to explore more in a post, but I don't know if I can pull my thoughts together on it.  I am still raw from the friendships I'm thinking of in particular, and I feel that I need to take the time to properly write about them.  At this point, the time for a thoughtful post isn't in the cards.
• For the last year or so I've been a haunted by an incident involving a doctor I had in high school.  It's weird how you can ignore something for years and then suddenly it hits you like a tonne of bricks.  Again, another topic I'd like to try writing about to see if I can bring some closure to the issue, but I need to take the time to do it right. 
• I'm taking the plunge and getting the flu shot for myself and BB, and the H1N1 when it is available.  I don't know what the right thing to do is, and I worry that whatever decision I make will be the wrong one.  All I know is that I'll never forgive myself if I do the wrong thing.  It feels like I'm playing the lottery, but if I lose the results could be life threatening.  I'm afraid.
• We had family pictures done last weekend with the same person that did pictures of BB last fall when he was six months old.  I received the CD with the edits yesterday and was amazed with the results.  We have such a beautiful little boy.  He was having a rough day that day, and we all had to work hard to keep his spirits up, but you can't tell in the pictures.  He looks so happy in all of the pictures.  He completely takes my breath away.  (For the couple of you that read this that are friends on Facebook, I'll hopefully have some of the pics uploaded soon!)  I had to laugh at some of the family pictures though.  There are shots of DH and I walking away from the camera with BB in between us and holding our hands.  Oh my, do I look like a wide-load!  I had a hard time finding something to wear for the pictures that fit and didn't show off my newfound weight too badly, but that didn't make me look like Two-Tonne-Tessie as well.  Well, the pics from behind are frightening.  And no, those ones probably won't be uploaded to FB.  Or at least the worst of them won't be!  Ten pounds can make a HUGE difference when you're as short as I am! 

Bets, Anyone?

I'm placing my money on being about 12 weeks along.  Does anyone else want to place a wager?  I'll know in a few hours!  Yippee!

 

Unfortunately, DH is unable to join me today when I get my first glimpse of our new little one.  Because we've been keeping it a secret, he didn't feel right telling his boss about the appointment and he has an important meeting during the same time.  I would have been okay with him telling his boss so that he'd be able to join me, but I also understand the importance of this meeting.  Besides, there will be at least one other ultrasound.  I had so many ultrasounds while I was pregnant with BB, I wasn't the least bit surprised when I saw him in person.  It felt like I had been watching him for months.  It was fantastic.  Well, having potential issues wasn't fantastic, but getting to watch him grow was fantastic. 

 

I'll try to post an update sometime soon! 

Haunted

Last Thursday when I went for my blood work, there was a lady already sitting in the waiting area when I arrived.  She was a larger lady who had a young boy (maybe three years old) laying across her lap.  When I moved into the waiting area for the blood clinic she and her son were already there, and when I was called back to the chair for the actual blood test, she was sitting in the chair across from me with her son standing next to her.  As I waited for someone to begin my test, I tried not to stare while this lady was having her test performed.  Suddenly I heard a gasp and a bit of a moan.  Whatever the technician did hurt her.  A lot.  The next several minutes were a panicked flurry of technicians checking in on her, applying ice packs, and ensuring she was able to move her fingers.  She tried so hard to be brave for her little boy, but it was obvious she was in a significant amount of pain.  I could see the tears leaking out of the corners of her eyes.  Eventually they decided to try again in her other arm.  When the little boy realized that they were going to hurt his mommy again he became very upset.  He cried and clung to her.  The technicians tried offering him stickers and popsicles, but he didn't want any of it.  Now his mom had to deal with the pain in her left arm, hold her upset little guy on her lap, and have blood taken from her right arm.  Almost a week later I'm still haunted by this scene.  The love between the mother and her son was so obvious, but I feel so sad that both of them had to go through that experience.  Hopefully it wasn't one of those incidents that he will remember for the rest of his life. 

BN2 Update

Wow, I've really been having a hard time finding the time to do much on the Internet these days.  I'm sure our bad internet connection is a major part of the problem.  It's very frustrating to sit there waiting for a page to load to only get an error message telling you that the page can't load.  I've been filling up my time with lots of other fun little things (like watching season three of Heroes with DH!) 

 

I had my appointment with my doc last Thursday.  It went pretty well, and so far I don't really have any major complaints.  I think he faked my pap test though (is it possible?  I wouldn't have thought so before, but now I think it is.)  Then he seemed to think that he'd be able to tell me how far along I am by feeling.  He wasn't able to do it last time (which was fine, since I knew exactly how far along I was—even if he wouldn't take my word for it) and he wasn't able to do it this time either.  This time he blamed it on my tilted uterus.  Since he couldn't tell by feeling, he booked me in for an early ultrasound.  (Thank goodness.  I wouldn't have had a lot of faith in his guesstimate.)  He and his nurse both tried to tell me that I'm probably about seven weeks along, but I'm not buying it.  I wouldn't be surprised if I'm at least ten weeks.  I've still only got the extra five or so pounds on (I think they immediately attached themselves to me!) but my nausea has been completely gone for the past couple of weeks.  With BB it disappeared at the end of the first trimester… so maybe I'm there?  It's all guesswork right now!

 

Tomorrow I'm having my blood work done, and my ultrasound is scheduled for next Thursday.  Appointments three Thursdays in a row.  We're not telling anyone about BN2 until we have dates firmed up, so I asked to take a half vacation day next Thursday so I wouldn't have to explain to my boss that I have yet another appointment! 

 

Once we verify next Thursday that I'm over ten weeks, we're going to try to get together with our families to finally share the news with them.  A couple of weeks ago I bought a little blue t-shirt for BB that says, "Big Brother".  I find it really awkward telling people that I'm pregnant.  It feels weird.  It's as if I'm saying, "DH and I had sex!"  I'm normally very open, but something about this feels weird… at least with family.  To announce my pregnancy with BB to our families we gave them little picture frames with a note inside saying "Insert picture of BB in May 2008."  This time, BB will be making the announcement for us with his t-shirt.  

 

The CBC managed to do a great job of instilling fear in me this morning in regards to the H1N1 virus.  Some pregnant teachers in the area are complaining because they feel the government should tell them to stay home this year to help them avoid contracting the virus.  My attitude toward the virus thus far has been, "I'm healthy.  I take care of myself.  I wash my hands.  I'll be fine."  But now that I'm pregnant, I'm a bit more paranoid about it.  I read an article today that suggested pregnant women are at greater risk of complications from the virus and should consider avoiding crowded events.  Looks like I'm going to be a hermit for the next several months.  Not that I go to a lot of "crowded events" anyway.  But it's definitely something to keep in mind.  In the meantime, I'll keep eating healthy, trying to get some exercise, washing my hands, and hoping that my original feelings on this whole thing being blown out of proportion were correct.  And hoping for the best, of course. 

Excitement!

I've been dreading this week's doctor's appointment.  Although I've had plenty of nausea to prove to myself that I definitely am pregnant, I still have an irrational fear that they are going to tell me that I'm not pregnant and scold me for wasting their time.  And now, I'm dreading the pap test part of the appointment because I have yet another yeast infection (the third in as many months!) and OMG, that is going to hurt. 

 

But a few moments ago, it suddenly hit me that everything will be official on Thursday.  The wheels will be set in motion for this baby's arrival early next spring!  Suddenly I'm full of excitement rather than dread! 

Bella Band & Thank You

I bought a Bella Band this weekend.  I considered buying one when I was pregnant with BB, but decided against it because the prospect of paying 35$ for a piece of elastic material seemed a bit crazy at a time when the prospect of requiring a whole new wardrobe of maternity clothes was looming.  However, I'm using it today with a pair of pants that are now too tight around the waist to wear comfortably while sitting at my desk all day, and I have to say, it's fantastic!  My pants are unbuttoned but no one can tell, and I have lots of breathing room. 

 

We've been having Internet issues at home again.  The Rogers boys have been working quite diligently over the past few months at stringing up new wires in our area, so hopefully we'll have true high-speed in the near future.  I've been able to read my usual blogs, but I can't post comments, or reply to comments that people have left for me.  I'd like to thank everyone who has recently left me a message congratulating us on our good news.  Your sentiments are very much appreciated!

Miscellaneous Thursday

• I love journal entries.  Yes, it's true.  You may think I'm weird, but I love everything about them.  When they balance to 0, I get such a thrill.  They are perfection.
• There has been way too much drama over coffee in our office over the past week.
• On Monday night I bought a huge pile of maternity clothes from a lady on Kijiji.  I took N with me when I went to pick them up because of a sketchy Kijiji experience I had while I was pregnant with BB.  Turned out I didn't need the support, because the lady I bought them from was wonderful.  We've even exchanged a couple of emails since Monday!
• Last night I bought some new flat shoes.  I've been meaning to buy some since finding out that I'm pregnant.  I almost fell down the stairs at work yesterday while wearing my high-heeled sandals, so that gave me the shove I needed to get my butt to Wal-Mart to buy some sensible non-varicose vein inducing shoes.  But, oh my, these shoes are uncomfortable.  Breaking in new shoes is not one of my favourite things to do.
• Isn't it funny how some people think no one is watching when their manager is away.  Coming in twenty minutes late, then spending the next twenty minutes visiting around the office.  Taking an extra half hour at lunch.  These same people are also the first to whine and complain when their workload gets a bit heavier. 
• My first prenatal doctor's appointment is two-weeks from today.  The time hasn't been dragging by as slowly as I expected it to.  I'm sure that having BB as a distraction has helped a lot.  I'm very much looking forward to it though.  Well, what I'm really looking forward to is getting a booking for an ultrasound so we can find out when to expect this little one!  The paranoid part of me wants to take a fifth pregnancy test, just to prove that I'm still pregnant.  I keep having visions of the nurse coming in after I pee in the bottle and saying to me, "Why did you think you were pregnant?  You're not."  How awful would that be?  I was nauseous all of last week though, so how could I not be pregnant?  This week has been much better, but today the nausea seems to have returned.  It's helping to reaffirm my faith that I am definitely pregnant. 
• I've been determined to NOT gain 60 lbs during this pregnancy, but I'm beginning to fear that I'm going to again.  Gaining 60 lbs wasn't the end of the world; I lost it all and then some, but I was so big.  I've already put on five pounds and some of my favourite pants don't fit right anymore.  I'm not eating more, and I'm exercising the same amount (which is a minimal amount… Don't be fooled.)  Hopefully I can keep the whole thing under wraps for a while yet.  It will probably be at least another month before we share our news with everyone.

You Drive Me Crazy

Yeah, you—the guy who sends me these strongly worded emails, acting all god-like, demanding I modify spreadsheets for you because you're too ignorant to do it yourself.  You, the guy who stutters and stammers when you actually come to our office… you don't seem so forceful then, do you?

 

Oh, and copying my boss's boss on your demand… smooth move. I'm not your secretary, nor am I your servant.  You, are at the bottom of my list. 

Abnormal, I am.

I snuck into the conference room this morning to call the doctor's office. You're going to hear a lot of complaints about him over the next several months, so brace yourself. The complaining starts today with his receptionist... the gatekeeper from hell.

Me: "Hi, It's cuddles calling, I'd like to make an appointment with Dr. B."

My voice is all ready quivering because I'm excited about having to make this call, nervous about having to talk to HER, worried that other people will be able to hear my voice through the radiator (yes, it happens in our office.)

Her: "What do you need the appointment for?" (she has her usual "annoyed boredom" tone of voice.)

Me: "I'm pregnant again."

Her: "Well, Dr. B. normally doesn't see pregnant women until they are two months. How far are you?"

I'm beginning to feel rage at this point. Is she discouraging me from making an appointment with my GP?!

Me: "I'm not certain."

Her: "Well, when was your last period?" (I wish I could convey to you the exasperation in her voice!)

Me: "My last period was July 2007, before I became pregnant with BB."

Her: "You haven't had a period since before you became pregnant the last time???"

I think she was about to call me an idiot at this point.

Me: "No, I haven't had one since July 2007."

Her: "Didn't you bleed after he was born, cuddles?"

Okay, seriously, did she just ask me this??? At this point I'm getting really weirded out. And why oh why does she have to use my name when the entire waiting room can hear every word she is saying?! Now everyone there will know that cuddles is pregnant and that she hasn't bled in a VERY LONG TIME.

Me: "Yes, of course I bled after he was born, but I haven't had an actual period since before I became pregnant with BB."

Lady, you're the receptionist. Make the appointment. There is no reason for this interrogation. I realize that I am now using a much louder voice than I had intending on using for this phone call. As if raising my voice is going to help her to understand.

Her: "Well, that's different."

Me: "I just finished breastfeeding BB."

Why do I feel like I owe her an explanation?

Her: "Well, he's going to be out for a while, so I can't book you anything until the end of August."

What drives me crazy is that I have to continue to be polite and friendly towards this grouchy old lady because she can prevent me and BB from getting the medical care we need from our GP. I wish I could find a new doctor, but this is what we seem to be stuck with here in NB. And by the end of next year Dr. B. will be retiring, leaving us even further up the crick sans paddle.

The One You've All Been Waiting For

Saturday, July 25, 2009 06:25

(Thanks, Emilie for the Dollar Store test idea! I went through five of them before I got this result!)

Saturday, July 25, 2009 06:53

Confirmation that the dollar store test wasn't lying. The instant the pee hit it, the plus sign appeared!

I even did a third test this morning (since my "expensive test" came in a 2-pack) just to make sure yesterday's pee wasn't lying. Same result. Yippee!

I guess we might be due in March, maybe April. I'm going to go for my first doctor's appointment and they're going to ask me when my last period was and I'll have to say July 2007. I'm sure that will get a raised eyebrow! One of my nearest and dearest (who happens to be a doc) was here visiting today; I asked her how things are handled in cases like this where it is impossible to pin down dates. She tells me that they take into consideration your last negative test (July 11) and your first positive test, figure out a date from that, and try to send you for your first ultrasound around 12 weeks to confirm the dates. My guess is that it happened between the two yeast infections. I'm looking forward to seeing if I'm right on that one! Now I need to figure out a way to call the doc's office without all of my coworkers hearing the call.

I guess we weaned BB for nothing since I was already pregnant!

**Disclaimer**

If you're reading this and actually know me, or know someone who knows me, please keep this info under your hat. (BTW, if you're reading this and I don't know you're reading this, let me know! I'd love to hear from you! I've always felt weird delurking on people's blogs, so this is to let you know that you don't have to feel weird about previously lurking around here. Been meaning to mention that for a while!) I'm not actually announcing this to work, family, or anyone other than my BFFs until I have a better idea about dates, etc.

Another Chapter Closed

DH and I have been “trying” for another baby since March. It’s been a bit haphazard while adjusting to being back to work, having a baby who seemed to be sick more than he was healthy for a few months, and trying to clear up this annoying recurring yeast infection. (Too much info? My blog, my truth.)

Since my cycle still hasn’t started, all of our efforts have been fruitless. Because of this, we decided to wean BB during the night at the end of June. This middle of the night weaning was rough the first few nights, but BB quickly got into the new groove, and is now sleeping until almost alarm-clock time about 40-50% of the time now. This is a big improvement – while he was still nursing in the night he was up at least twice most nights. Not a big deal while I could lounge around the house the next day, but after being back to work for a month, I was starting to feel it. On the nights now when BB does wake up, I just pluck him out of his crib (which is still right beside our bed) and plop him into bed between the two of us, and we quickly fall back to sleep snug as bugs in a rug. :) I should note here that my tiredness wasn’t enough to force us to wean as I was making up for it by going to bed super early most nights, but we really wanted to get things rolling with BN2.

Fast forward almost another month later and I still am showing no signs of having a cycle. When we discussed night time weaning, we said we’d give it a month, and if we weren’t getting the results we needed, we’d completely wean. I decided last week that we’d give it until next Friday (July 31, my birthday) but tonight I decided that tonight was the last time. Over the last couple of weeks BB shows his usual initial excitement at the thought of nursing. He grabs my hand and guides me to the bedroom. It’s been so sweet. But then once we get into the bedroom, he starts running around. It’s gotten to the point that I have to grab him while he kicks at me. As soon as he lays down he’s peaceful and happy to nurse, but I feel like there’s too much conflict there now for it to continue to be a positive experience for him. So rather than delaying what is most likely going to happen in a week, I decided tonight as I was being kicked that this would be it. I held him tonight and watched his cute little ears wiggle while he sucked. I admired the curve of his cheek and marvelled at the wonderful latch he’s had since day one.

When (if) BN2 arrives, if BB asks to nurse again, I’ll let him without hesitation. I’ve read lots about tandem nursing, and have no qualms with it. I’m not going to chase him around telling him to latch on, but if he asks, then yes, he will be allowed to. I know I’ve said this a few times lately, but isn’t it funny how much you can change in such a short span of time… I initially said, “I think I’d like to try breastfeeding.” That turned into, “I’d like to breastfeed for at least a few months.” That became six months, then a year. By the time BB arrived and everything was working so well, I wanted him to be able to self-wean. I guess that didn’t get to happen, but sticking with it for over 14 months is beyond what I initially set out to do, and I’m quite proud of the effort both BB and I have put into this. DH has been a wonderful support as well.

Hopefully we’ll be able to give BB the gift of a little brother or sister to help make up for what we’ve taken away from him tonight. That’s how I’m consoling myself. Keep your fingers crossed for us.

So Grateful for Everything I Have

This morning while I was travelling out of town to Big Brother's head office I heard an interview on the CBC that absolutely broke my heart. They were talking to a man from here in Freddy who is staying at a local hotel with his four and a half month old son. The baby's mother abandoned her baby and the baby's father. (I can't understand how. I can't help but hope that there's a logical explanation, like post-partum depression or something. Not that anyone should have to suffer from that, but the idea of a mother walking out on her baby seems completely unthinkable to me.) The baby's father has quit his job to care for the infant, has lost their apartment because of his lack of money, and is now staying at the hotel on the generosity of local churches and other organizations. They are supposed to move into government assisted at the beginning of August, but he didn't know how he would be able to continue to keep a roof over his baby's head until that time.

As I was listening to this interview, I had tears streaming down my face. And I caught myself yelling at the radio a time or two. At one point the interviewer asked the father if he felt that being with him was really the best place for him to me. I was yelling, "YES!" And I was happy to hear the father firmly state the same thing. The interviewer also asked what the father knows about parenting. What do most of us know about parenting, really? Keep the baby safe, fed, and loved. Beyond that, I just do what comes naturally most of the time. I'm sure this father is doing the same thing. I understand that the interviewer was just doing his job by asking these questions, but they felt so doubtful of this man who is doing everything in his power to take care of his son and keep what is left of his family together. Personally, I think he must be an amazing person. He must be very strong. He must love his son VERY much.

As I listened to the story, I made up my mind that when I got home tonight I would figure out a way to pay for a night at the hotel for them. I felt that I had to do something. This family needs the support of the community right now. But after the story they gave an update. The firefighters at the new fire station in town have generously offered to pay for the hotel room for this family until their new home is ready for them. I love that this story has a happy ending. It may not be a fairy-tale ending, but at least some of the weight has been lifted from the father's shoulders for now.

There's a sweet picture of baby Tobias here.

Motherhood has changed me. I'm a different person than I was a little over 14 months ago. The new me is a better person. Far from perfection, but my heart is bigger and that counts for a lot.

Is This Normal?

I've been noticing for a while now that if BB accidentally bangs his head on something, once he gets over the initial pain and crying, he goes back and purposely does it again while saying, "BA!" (his way of saying 'bang' and several other things, but in this case, he means 'bang'.) What's that about? Then tonight I wouldn't let him push the power button on my computer. In a fit of rage he got down on the kitchen floor and started banging his head against the ceramic tile. This completely blew me away. I wasn't sure how to react to him intentionally hitting himself in the head with a toy, so when he started banging his head into the floor I was completely at a loss. I chose to ignore it, and once he stopped and was just sitting on the floor I got down and sat with him and gave him a hug and some love. I'm thinking that perhaps he's just hurting himself for the attention, since when he does accidentally hurt himself I drop everything to reassure him, be there for him, and give him some love. Handling accidents in this manner is something I'm consciously doing (thanks to Dr. Sears), so maybe he's caught on to that and is just doing it for attention. When he intentionally hits himself in the head with a toy, I normally just ignore that as well. The first couple of times, I acknowledged what he was doing, and it only seemed to encourage him.

Even though the explanation I have come up with seems likely, the worrier in me fears that this is a sign that there is something very wrong with him. Perhaps years from now we'll look back on these incidents and say, "If only we took action right away."

If you're a mom reading this blog, have you encountered something similar with your little ones? If so, I'd love to know how you've handled it.

Second Fiddle

I said I would be happy when this happened.  It would mean that I made the right choice and that he is happy with her.

 

As soon as BB saw the sitter this morning, he reached for her and made his little crying noise indicating that he wanted out of my arms and into hers.  I can try to console myself by saying that he recognized what was going to happen next and was trying to take the lead on initiating that action, but I know better.  He chose her over me.  And my heart broke a little bit.  Okay, a big bit.  A whole lot. 

 

She's been a wonderful sitter so far.  We're quite happy with her, and it's very obvious now that BB is equally happy with her.  And that makes me happy.  I wouldn't want him to be miserable while we're at work.  I'm glad that I followed my gut when it came to choosing a care giver.

 

Hopefully after I've spent a day licking my wounds I'll be better prepared for a similar situation tomorrow morning.

Silly Times

Yesterday I was folding laundry in BB's room while he explored.  He took a bib off of the shelf of his change table and brought it to me.  I fastened it around his neck while he grinned from ear to ear.  As soon as I had it fastened he took off towards the kitchen giggling hysterically.  He ran around the house laughing and laughing.  He seemed to think wearing a bib when he wasn't eating was hilarious. 

 

After he was done playing with the bib, he wanted to get into the basketful of clean washcloths.  I plunked him in, and we played our "near-far" game (where I slide the basket away and say, "Far!" and then bring it towards me and say, "Near!"  Remember Grover playing this?)  Then I put a washcloth on his head and he giggled, so I pulled a bunch of washcloths out from under him and buried in him.  He thought that was soooooo funny.  So did I. 

 

Just two of the many reasons why I love my little monkey man.  xo

Reunion

I attended a family reunion today for my father's side of the family. I feel like I didn't connect with a soul there and am feeling badly about it. First off, I've never quite felt like I "fit" with that side of the family. For some reason, I've always felt like I've been on the outside looking in. Maybe it's because dad was always criticizing my behaviour and the things I'd say whenever I was around that side of the family, whereas, mom never did that sort of thing when I was with her side. Dad's side is also considerably larger than mom's side, so I've always felt like I have more intimate relationships with the folks on mom's side. All that being said though, I really do like dad's side of the family, but I don't always feel like I belong.

Last summer we had an informal family pot-luck summer party. BB was only three months old at the time, and I was a wreck taking him there all by myself. (DH was away training that day.) It felt like we were constantly hiding in a bedroom and nursing rather than visiting with everyone. And when he wasn't nursing, I was on pins and needles worried that he was going to cry and scream. (For the record, he did neither, except for when he wanted to nurse.) However, looking back, I connected with people far more last year than I did today.

I've accepted that my moods vary from day to day. Some days I'm outgoing and jovial, some days I'm more shy and reserved. Although I've accepted that this is how I am, I wish I could forgive myself for it. Today was one of those days where I was feeling more shy. I didn't feel right approaching a group of people and joining in the conversation. Part of the problem is that the few times I did start to talk to someone, I always seemed to end up leaving the conversation because BB was escaping on me, so I'd have to go chasing after him. (Dude is mobile now!) It's rare that so many family members gather together without someone dying, and I feel like I should have taken advantage of it. I wasted the opportunity.

On the bright side, my cousin brought along a little inflatable pool for her girls and the other kids to play in. Once BB was starting to feel secure in the environment, he had a blast playing with the balls and the toys that went with the pool. He didn't try to climb into the pool, but he was soaked from head to toe. And filthy filthy filthy! Several times he reached into the pool to grab a toy, and basically had his whole upper body in the water. It was hilarious. Today was my first taste of being a mother to a little boy, and that part of my day was so much fun.

Few Minutes of Entertainment?

I was listening to the CBC on the way into work this morning, and heard an interview with a man who is organizing the city's Canada Day celebrations tomorrow.  The interviewer asked how much the committee is spending on the fireworks display tomorrow night.  His response?  In the range of $15-20,000 dollars! 

 

I normally don't attend the fireworks display.  The last time I was there I was very upset to see so many people taking their dogs to the event.  Many of the dogs were afraid of the loud bangs and were crying and barking.  I think it's very unfair to our canine friends to take them to an event like that.  They don't understand that there is no danger and that they don't need to be afraid.  After making this observation several years ago, I lost interest in gathering with the rest of the city to watch the display.

 

Since I have little interest in the fireworks, perhaps I'm writing out of turn.  However, I can't help but feel that the $15-20,000 could be put to a better use.  Think about how that money would help a few of our homeless people put shelter over their heads, or how many meals it could provide at our local food bank. 

 

We live in such a wasteful manner, don't we?

 

Overwhelming Rage

Since returning to work, I've been surprisingly happy with my job.  It's nice to be doing something new. 

 

In my old job, Sunday nights were awful.  I was filled with such dread over what the following week would bring.  I used to drink on Friday nights to wash away the terribleness of the week so that I could enjoy the weekend.  After I left for maternity leave, my job was split between two people.  One of the people had a few additional duties that weren't part of my job, but basically, one person was unable to replace me.  I had been doing the work of two people.  And about half way through my leave, my former position was split again.  Once again, one person has a few extra duties that I didn't have, but it seems that even what was left was still too much for one person to do alone. 

 

These days, Sunday nights are an evening where I am able to reflect on the good times I had over the weekend with DH and BB.  I don't dread coming into work.  In fact, I look forward to getting back into my work each day.  As everyone knows, I'd still rather be home with BB, but if I have to work, I couldn't ask to be happier at the moment. 

 

Until this morning.  I arrived to discover I had received a condescending email from someone who has given me grief non-stop over the years.  And suddenly I'm filled with the rage that used to overwhelm me several times a day in my old job.  What an awful feeling.  My first instinct was to hit reply and send her an equally condescending email, but I know it wouldn't get me anywhere; it would only begin one of our infamous email wars.  And my new manager happens to be a fan of this person, so should I get into a war with her, there's a chance my manager would side with the enemy anyway.  One of the (few) good things about my old job was that I knew my manager had my back.  So here I sit, trying to be mature, trying to bite my tongue.  But I've suddenly lost my motivation to dive in today and get lots done.  I feel like I need to go to the bathroom to have a cry, and punch something.  I feel like I've gone back in time. 

 

The really annoying part is, I've tried to be kind to this person since returning to work.  I've changed over the past year.  Work is less important to me.  Life is too short to be annoyed by people like this.  I've chit-chatted her up.  I've been very friendly.  The whole purpose of the email exchange that resulted in the nastygram I received this morning was something I was doing to try to help her.  Well, chicky, guess what?  Somehow you have always managed to bring out the worst in me.  I'm not as mature as I thought I was.  If this is how you want things to be, fine, this is the way they are.  Say ciao to the friendly cuddles…  the bitch is back.