One Week Ago Tonight

This week I've found blogging about the break-up of my marriage to be helpful. Some people prefer not to show their very personal stuff like this on their blog, but I guess this is my way of coping.

Now I'm running into a bit of an ethical dilemma... there is an issue that has affected the whole break-up of my marriage; however, it's not my direct issue. Although I previously knew this issue to be a cause for concern, I guess I was in denial about what a big issue it actually is. I've decided that I won't include it in my blog, but since I've been using the blog as a coping outlet, it leaves me without this outlet to discuss the guilt I feel for (what I feel is) my contribution to the issue, and the helplessness I feel when it comes to helping and supporting this person while they work to resolve their issue.

BN2 gave us a bit of a scare on Wednesday morning. I had a really big breakdown Tuesday night. Big. And from the time of my breakdown onward, I didn't feel her move at all. Which is odd, because she's always in there dancing all around most of the night. I decided I should head into emerg instead of going to work. They hooked my belly up to the fetal heart monitor in Labour & Delivery. I was warned that because I'm only 23 weeks, there was a good chance it would take them a few minutes to find her heart beat. However, they barely had the monitors touching my belly when I could suddenly hear her sweet little heartbeat. Once I relaxed a bit, I was able to feel her moving again. My blood pressure was also good, so I was very much relieved. I was then sent back down to emerg to talk to the psychiatric nurse. She determined that I didn't need medical help, and then sent in the social worker to talk with me. We chatted for quite a while. It helped a bit to hear that I'm handling everything normally, and that the decision that DH and I made to continue living together isn't "wrong" as there is no one right way to handle this sort of thing. After my breakdown the night before, I was worried that I would end up in the psych ward, or worse. But there haven't been any more "dark thoughts" (the social worker's term for it) since that night, so I guess it must have just been a stage of grief I was going through.

Since being assured that the baby is okay and that I'm handing all of this decently, I've been in better spirits. Don't get me wrong, I have my moments. Lots of them. But I made it through Thursday and Friday without crying at my desk. At home I still cry, but at home it's hard to pretend that everything is going to fall back into place. For whatever reason on Thursday, everyone kept asking me about what I'd do if DH decided he made the wrong decision and wanted to get back together. Well, I spent so much time thinking and fantasizing about it that I came home half expecting it to happen. I walked in the door, and as soon as I looked at him I knew how foolish I had been.

There have been several moments today where I've thought that BB and I should leave now. I feel like we're making it harder on DH to be where he needs to be. I sometimes feel like I'm having a harder time letting go by staying here. I'm always wondering when DH is going to rejoin BB and me in the living room, or wondering what he's doing when he's downstairs. I'm driving myself a bit crazy with it all. But leaving now means that I won't be able to save the kind of money that I will be able to if we stay here. And saving money is a big deal because I really want to be able to buy a small house for the three of us to live in once we're ready to be on our own. I'm not ready to stay with my parents yet... I'd be ready to leave before BN2 even makes her appearance! They're wonderful and supportive, but I'm used to my independence. Relying on them is not going to be easy for me. Also, BB is still getting lots of quality time with DH as long as we're still at the house. I know that once I'm at my parents' place, he's going to see him a lot less. It breaks my heart. DH is welcome at my parents' place, but I know he won't be comfortable there, plus it's a 25 minute drive from our place. I could move into an apartment, but that means not saving any money at all, and DH won't be able to give us any financial support because he's still paying the crazy mortgage on our house, so there's a good chance I wouldn't be able to make ends meet anyway. Plus, getting an apartment now would mean moving out in three months time to then go to my parents' place for support when the baby arrives. I don't want to move BB around that many times. It's not fair to him. I want only one move before we move into our permanent residence.

One of the major downfalls of us continuing to stay at the house is that I keep throwing myself at DH. And I keep getting rejected. It's like I can't stop myself. I'm a train wreck on repeat. I had little to no "desire" during my pregnancy with BB, and this time around it's very different. I keep wondering, "What kind of a guy doesn't want break-up sex?" But I think he has a lot of guilt over not loving me for so long without realizing it, and feeling like he's been living a lie... and if he has sex with me again, he'll feel like he's just using me again. But at almost 24 weeks pregnant, being rejected makes me feel like it's because I'm a cow and I'm completely undesirable. Especially since I know he's the type that doesn't need love to have sex. But I guess it's more complicated than that for him when it comes to me. I soooo want to feel pretty and feminine, and maybe even fool myself for a few minutes into thinking that I'm actually loved. (Wow, I sound like a 15 year old girl, not a 31 year old woman!)

I keep wondering, "When did *this* become my life?"

On a positive note, BB is still his usual happy self. He's given us no cause for concern, so if he does realize that something isn't right, he seems to be dealing with it okay. But, his routine is the same, and we both spend time alone with him, and we spend time together with him, so really, there's not much different, other than the fact that Daddy is sleeping in the basement now. On a side note, co-sleeping is different now... I'm used to having DH in bed too, and having him being half-alert when it comes time to take turns nabbing BB from getting up and starting his day at 4am. Now it's all on me. I guess I should get used to it, because it's not going to get any easier.

And once again, the blogging world has seen me naked. Or so it feels.

What I Wouldn't Do

I've been in love with this song for the past month. The more I've listened to the lyrics recently, the more I've thought that these words described my feelings for DH. I heard the song this afternoon for the first time since he broke up with me, and I completely lost it. It seems even more applicable now...

"What I Wouldn't Do"

by A Fine Frenzy

If we were children I would bake you a mud pie
Warm and brown beneath the sun
Never learned to climb a tree but I would try
Just to show you what I'd done

Oh what I wouldn't do
If I had you, babe, I had you
Oh what I wouldn't do
If I had you, babe

If I were old, my dearest, you would be older
But I would crawl upon your lap
Wrap a blanket 'round our frail little shoulders
And I'd die happily like that

Oh what I wouldn't do
If I had you, babe, I had you
Oh what I wouldn't do
If I had you, babe, if I had you

So lace your hands 'round the small of my back and I will kiss you like a king
I will be your bride, I'll keep you warm at night
I will sing, I will sing

It was now and we were both in the same place
Didn't know how to say the words
With my heart ticking like a bomb in a birdcage
I left before someone got hurt

Oh what I wouldn't do
If I had you, babe, I had you
Oh what I wouldn't do
If I had you, babe, if I had you

Technological Musings

Since returning to work in May it feels as if DH and I have barely had a chance to catch our breath, let alone sit down and have a chat about anything. Life has been on fast forward for the past five months. Today is day three of my work-imposed sick vacation. Yesterday afternoon I signed onto aMSN for the first time since returning to work and had a great chat with DH. And we've been chatting for close to an hour this morning (I'm feeling much better today, and am going to try to not nap the day away!) It's nice to connect with him, even if it isn't in person! Technology is wonderful. Without it, I wouldn't have met DH in the first place!

Another Chapter Closed

DH and I have been “trying” for another baby since March. It’s been a bit haphazard while adjusting to being back to work, having a baby who seemed to be sick more than he was healthy for a few months, and trying to clear up this annoying recurring yeast infection. (Too much info? My blog, my truth.)

Since my cycle still hasn’t started, all of our efforts have been fruitless. Because of this, we decided to wean BB during the night at the end of June. This middle of the night weaning was rough the first few nights, but BB quickly got into the new groove, and is now sleeping until almost alarm-clock time about 40-50% of the time now. This is a big improvement – while he was still nursing in the night he was up at least twice most nights. Not a big deal while I could lounge around the house the next day, but after being back to work for a month, I was starting to feel it. On the nights now when BB does wake up, I just pluck him out of his crib (which is still right beside our bed) and plop him into bed between the two of us, and we quickly fall back to sleep snug as bugs in a rug. :) I should note here that my tiredness wasn’t enough to force us to wean as I was making up for it by going to bed super early most nights, but we really wanted to get things rolling with BN2.

Fast forward almost another month later and I still am showing no signs of having a cycle. When we discussed night time weaning, we said we’d give it a month, and if we weren’t getting the results we needed, we’d completely wean. I decided last week that we’d give it until next Friday (July 31, my birthday) but tonight I decided that tonight was the last time. Over the last couple of weeks BB shows his usual initial excitement at the thought of nursing. He grabs my hand and guides me to the bedroom. It’s been so sweet. But then once we get into the bedroom, he starts running around. It’s gotten to the point that I have to grab him while he kicks at me. As soon as he lays down he’s peaceful and happy to nurse, but I feel like there’s too much conflict there now for it to continue to be a positive experience for him. So rather than delaying what is most likely going to happen in a week, I decided tonight as I was being kicked that this would be it. I held him tonight and watched his cute little ears wiggle while he sucked. I admired the curve of his cheek and marvelled at the wonderful latch he’s had since day one.

When (if) BN2 arrives, if BB asks to nurse again, I’ll let him without hesitation. I’ve read lots about tandem nursing, and have no qualms with it. I’m not going to chase him around telling him to latch on, but if he asks, then yes, he will be allowed to. I know I’ve said this a few times lately, but isn’t it funny how much you can change in such a short span of time… I initially said, “I think I’d like to try breastfeeding.” That turned into, “I’d like to breastfeed for at least a few months.” That became six months, then a year. By the time BB arrived and everything was working so well, I wanted him to be able to self-wean. I guess that didn’t get to happen, but sticking with it for over 14 months is beyond what I initially set out to do, and I’m quite proud of the effort both BB and I have put into this. DH has been a wonderful support as well.

Hopefully we’ll be able to give BB the gift of a little brother or sister to help make up for what we’ve taken away from him tonight. That’s how I’m consoling myself. Keep your fingers crossed for us.

Reunion

I attended a family reunion today for my father's side of the family. I feel like I didn't connect with a soul there and am feeling badly about it. First off, I've never quite felt like I "fit" with that side of the family. For some reason, I've always felt like I've been on the outside looking in. Maybe it's because dad was always criticizing my behaviour and the things I'd say whenever I was around that side of the family, whereas, mom never did that sort of thing when I was with her side. Dad's side is also considerably larger than mom's side, so I've always felt like I have more intimate relationships with the folks on mom's side. All that being said though, I really do like dad's side of the family, but I don't always feel like I belong.

Last summer we had an informal family pot-luck summer party. BB was only three months old at the time, and I was a wreck taking him there all by myself. (DH was away training that day.) It felt like we were constantly hiding in a bedroom and nursing rather than visiting with everyone. And when he wasn't nursing, I was on pins and needles worried that he was going to cry and scream. (For the record, he did neither, except for when he wanted to nurse.) However, looking back, I connected with people far more last year than I did today.

I've accepted that my moods vary from day to day. Some days I'm outgoing and jovial, some days I'm more shy and reserved. Although I've accepted that this is how I am, I wish I could forgive myself for it. Today was one of those days where I was feeling more shy. I didn't feel right approaching a group of people and joining in the conversation. Part of the problem is that the few times I did start to talk to someone, I always seemed to end up leaving the conversation because BB was escaping on me, so I'd have to go chasing after him. (Dude is mobile now!) It's rare that so many family members gather together without someone dying, and I feel like I should have taken advantage of it. I wasted the opportunity.

On the bright side, my cousin brought along a little inflatable pool for her girls and the other kids to play in. Once BB was starting to feel secure in the environment, he had a blast playing with the balls and the toys that went with the pool. He didn't try to climb into the pool, but he was soaked from head to toe. And filthy filthy filthy! Several times he reached into the pool to grab a toy, and basically had his whole upper body in the water. It was hilarious. Today was my first taste of being a mother to a little boy, and that part of my day was so much fun.

Blink! And a year is gone!

Today is BB's first birthday!  So much has happened over this past year.  He's grown from a mewing but alert, strong, eight pound ball of flesh to a happy, cuddly, smart one year old!  

There's so much I am feeling inside today that I'd love to try to put into words, but time does not permit it.  We're holding a birthday party for him tomorrow.  Some friends and our immediate family are invited, and I am so not ready for the company!  It's been a hectic week, and DH, BB, and myself have all had colds.  I was supposed to make BB's birthday cake last night, but was feeling like I'd been hit by a transport, so I headed to bed shortly after BB fell asleep.  Hopefully everyone is truly coming to be with BB tomorrow, and won't be bothered by the chaos of our house!  

This morning, BB rang-in the exact moment of his birth by nursing.  It was a special way for us to celebrate it.  Today BB and I are hanging out together, and enjoying one another's company.  I think this is a favourite way to spend the day for both of us.  :)

Happy birthday to my sweet little man.  You are my world.

My First Mother's Day

I realized today that I'm spending my first Mother's Day weekend as a true mom.  I've been caring for a baby who has come down with an icky cold (after only having one day of normalcy from the effects of the stomach bug), I spent several hours yesterday preparing lunch to take to my parents' place today so mom didn't have to cook a meal for everyone on Mother's Day, and then made the trip to my parents' place today, sick baby in tow, to celebrate Mother's Day.  Like most mothers, I'm sure, I've felt like I've been pulled in many directions at once.  This is the first quiet moment I've had to myself all weekend, but I still have a to-do list that is seven items long, and it needs to be completed before I go to bed tonight (not to mention the to-do list I have prepared for tomorrow!)

Now, all that being said, I wouldn't trade this motherhood thing for anything in the world.  And I have been treated pretty good this weekend.  DH surprised me with a bouquet of beautiful yellow tulips Friday night (this is a true surprise -- it's only the second time he's bought me flowers in over nine years), last night he prepared a feast of seafood for us, and today he gave me a card AND had last night's dishes done by the time I returned home from mom & dad's place today!  Out of all these things, guess what I appreciated the most?  Yep, the dishes.  I have a pretty great hubby!  In addition to all of the in-house spoiling, my brother and his girlfriend gave me a mother's day gift as well!  So thoughtful of them!  It is a beautiful handmade pottery mug.  (In the mug was a business card from the potter leading me to this blog.  I'm looking forward to checking it out!)

I hope all of my mommy-friends in the blogging world had a good Mother's Day!

Damn Those Busses

It turns out that my grandmother did have a heart attack.  It seems so bizarre to me, since she's never been one to over-indulge in food, I've never known her to have a drink, smoke, and she's not obese.  Perhaps the fact that her heart has served her well for almost 80 years is a tribute to these facts?  Because she was still having problems, she was transferred to SJ yesterday, as they are better equipped to deal with this sort of problem.  On Monday she will have an angioplasty, but will still be left with a blocked artery.  She has a hump on her back, and as a result they do not want to do surgery because of the position she would have to be in.  The doctor must feel that the position would increase her chances of blood loss, and her religion prohibits her from receiving a blood transfusion if it is required.  Most of my family would judge her for this.  I don't like to because I don't understand.  But I do feel frustrated by it.  So yeah, these are the details as I know them...  all the info is second hand, of course, so something is bound to be inaccurate in all of this. 

My grandfather on the same side of the family also suffered from more than one heart attack; although, it is not what he died from.  

All of this business with the heart issues really has me thinking.  I need to make a concentrated effort to keep being active, and do a better job of monitoring my intake of saturated fats.  I already watch for the trans fats like a hawk, and I've greatly reduced my salt intake over the past year, but I've been lazy with the saturated fats.  It's time to step up the effort.  Keeping active over the next few years will most likely be a challenge for me, but even if I continue to keep trying like I have for the past year, at least it will still be a part of my life still when I am no longer constantly attached to a baby.  I'm sure there will always be a reason why finding the time is difficult, but I was doing a great job when I became pregnant with BB, and I'm confident that if I was able to do it before, I'll be able to do it again.  After all, DH and I need to set an example for BB and BN2, right?

In a way, I almost feel a bit doomed.  On my dad's side, they seem to have heart issues.  My mother's side is ridden with cancer.  Sometimes I wonder what sort of a time-bomb is ticking inside of me.  But, perhaps I'll be hit by a bus tomorrow.  

My Swirling Dark Pit

I feel like I'm sinking.  I survived the winter without anything more than the occasional "blue" day.  Pretty good for me.  Spring is now here, and those dark feelings seem to have arrived with it.  

I think it's just a combination of several things weighing me down.  

I don't feel that going back to work is the right decision for BB.  However, it is the logical thing to do in order to have BN2.  It won't be forever, as long as BN2 happens.  But I'm feeling a LOT of guilt about leaving BB with a sitter.  

Tomorrow I reduce BB's two daytime feedings to one daytime feeding and next week I'm eliminating the daytime feedings all together, as he starts spending a bit of time with the sitter next week.  This is breaking my heart.  I feel that he still needs to nurse.  I feel awful about already reducing him down to two feedings.  It wouldn't be bad if he wasn't interested in nursing, but the little guy loves it.  I'm being eaten alive by the guilt.  I want so badly to be a good mother to him, and I really don't feel like sending him to a sitter and reducing the frequency of his breastfeeding this is the way to do it.  

I'm worried about whether things are going to work out with my babysitter... that is an entirely separate post though.  

And then this weekend, DH was at his usual training all day Saturday, and then today his family came to help him reconstruct our woodshed that collapsed during the winter, so he spent the entire day outdoors working on that project.  Both the training yesterday and the woodshed today are very important things, and I don't believe for a second that he should have skipped out on either.  However, it meant that it was business as usual for BB and myself.  I look forward to the weekends because it means that we get to spend time together as a family, and during BB's naps, DH and I normally have some great chats.  Missing out on all of that this weekend really seems to have messed with my head.  

By suppertime I ended up sitting with BB in my lap front of the computer watching Sesame Street videos on Youtube so that he wouldn't be able to see my crying while I held him.  Since he doesn't get to watch TV, watching a bit of Sesame Street was definitely holding his attention.  If he sees me cry these days, he cries too, and I didn't want to make him cry, but I couldn't hold it in any longer.  

Tonight, I felt like the walls were closing in on me.  Part of me wants to crawl into bed and never get out.  But I know that laying there, buried under the covers, I'll only continue to brood.  My instinct when things get bad are to start walking.  Walk and walk and walk.  I don't mean walk out on my life or anything like that, but just walk until I can come up with a solution to all of the things that are upsetting me.  (You know, when I think back to a lot of the bad stuff that happened in a previous relationship, I often found myself wandering.  I never really made that connection until now.)  

I had hoped that once the decision was made about whether or not to return to work that I'd be able to relax and enjoy the rest of my time with BB.  But once the decision was made, I worried about childcare.  And even now that I have a babysitter, the dark cloud is still over my head.  I want to enjoy the next month, not spend the entire time brooding.  BB deserves our last month together to be special... not to have a mommy who is in tears all the time.

Test #1

I knew it would be negative, considering the fact that I haven't had a cycle since July 2007. However, I always hear about people who got pregnant while breastfeeding, so a little (okay, a big) part of me definitely was hoping that maybe I might be. I peed on the stick this morning, and of course I'm not. And even though I knew that I shouldn't have my hopes up, I'm still disappointed. I think going back to work would be easier if I knew there was a definite end in sight to the whole thing.

Now I'm wondering, how often should I pee on a stick? I know that I shouldn't allow myself to become obsessed with getting pregnant, because that's destined to end badly. However, I can't seem to help it. I was thinking I should try to limit myself to once every four weeks (those tests aren't cheap after all!) but before I voiced that opinion, DH suggested every two weeks. Maybe he's more anxious that I am? As if!

DH did say something really sweet last night. After we had put BB to bed, he told me that he really likes him. That's huge. It made me melt. Considering the fact that he only consented to having a baby in the first place to make me happy, and then once BB was here, I knew he still wasn't completely sold on the whole thing (otherwise, he never would have said no initially to BN2), but now for him to say that he actually LIKES BB, well, like I said, it's huge. I've always felt that it's easy to love someone, and that actually liking someone is a much bigger deal.

BB changes so much every day. He's been knocked down by two different colds over the past few weeks, and he emerged from each illness older and wiser it seemed! He's now standing in place without holding on to anything for several seconds at a time now. He's eating a LOT more solid foods now, and is only nursing a couple times during the day. (That transition was hard initially, but he's okay with it now. I never would have bothered with the day-time weaning if I wasn't planning to return to work. I much prefer the idea of baby-led weaning. However, on the upside, perhaps this will work to my advantage with project BN2.) BB's new favourite song is "Barbara Ann" by the Beach Boys. My brother and I used to listen to an old 45 of that song over and over again when we were little. BB's favourite word is "Ba" (has been for a looong time now), so I started singing "Barbara Ann" to him. Now he actually tries to sing along. He'll vary his tone of voice while saying, "Ba ba ba ba ba." It's like he's singing back-up for me. *grin* He can also try to point out his eyes, nose, and mouth now! I say try, because he puts his entire hand up to his face when you say, "Where's your nose?", and the difference between where he touches depending on the body part you ask him to identify is quite subtle, but there definitely is a difference... for example, if you ask him where his eyes are, he'll put his palm to his face, and then gouge his eyes with his finger tips. :) He's such an amazing little guy, and he definitely has a LOT of people wrapped around his sweet little finger.

Cold, Boob, Heart

Yeah, there's a catchy title.  ;o)

We've had a busy few days.  BB celebrated his ten month birthday on Sunday by coming down with a rotten cold.  This is only his second cold ever, so I'm definitely NOT complaining.  But I do feel terrible for him.  This cold is significantly worse than the cold he had in October.  It's obvious that he doesn't "get" why he feels so terrible.  I've been pondering the fact that he's only had two colds in the past ten months.  Is it because he has a great immune system (with special thanks to breastfeeding), or is it because he hasn't been exposed to enough germs?  I'm sure there's no way for me to know the answer, just something I've been thinking about.

I celebrated BB's ten month birthday by getting a blocked milk duct.  It wasn't really painful, but very disconcerting and scary.  It happened around 13:00.  I started feeding BB and by the end of his feeding, my right breast had a very hard area above my nipple.  I, of course, started to panic.  I searched online for the symptoms of mastitis, but it didn't seem possible since I didn't have a temperature and the hard area wasn't sore or red.  And at that point, I didn't realize that a blocked duct was different from mastitis.  I tried to get some rest, spent some time in the shower with the warm water running on it, applied warm compresses, tried pumping and massage.  Because of BB's cold, he was barely nursing, so he wasn't much help in trying to move things along.  It wasn't getting any better and I was becoming quite frightened.  After we put BB to bed for the night, I called the Mother/Baby General Info Hotline at the DECRH.  I wasn't sure if it was the right place to turn, since BB is ten months old, but I knew that if I called Telecare, I'd end up talking to someone with limited knowledge about breastfeeding (perhaps even less knowledge than I have!), and every time I've ever called Telecare, I'm told to see a doctor within two hours--without fail--and then when I see the doctor, they just shake their head because it really wasn't a dire emergency.  The person I spoke with at the Mother/Baby line was very helpful and assured me that it was okay to call that number with a breastfeeding issue as there is really no other place for me to get help.  She explained that it was a blocked duct, and encouraged me to continue with the measures I had been taking, and told me to keep with it until it finally let go.  I worked at it from 20:00 until 23:00.  At that point I had managed to move it to my nipple (yep, I could actually SEE the blockage), but couldn't get it the rest of the way.  I was so tired I could barely keep my eyes open, so decided that rest would probably be the best option at that point.  When BB woke up at 04:30 he managed to finish unblocking it for me.  I was a very grateful momma!  I've been very fortunate to not have any breastfeeding issues up until this point...  I've often felt like a lot of the people around me have been waiting for me to fail at it, so I was very discouraged when this happened.  I've very very glad that everything seems to be okay now though.

I need to mention how supportive DH was during the whole blocked-duct-ordeal.  He took BB out for a drive late in the afternoon so I could have a nap.  (It's the first time BB has left the house without me!  I was a bit nervous, but they both returned safe & sound!)  He sat up with me until I decided to call it a night.  He fetched the hot water bottle, reheated the Magic Bag, kept me company in the bathroom while I stood in the shower, and even offered to try pumping for me when my hand got tired.  :)  I tend to only share my gripes about him on here.  He's really a good guy.  :)

BB's cold seems to be considerably better today.  He had a temperature at bed time last night, but when we checked it at 03:15 this morning he was back to normal.  His nose is leaking less today, so that's awesome.  

I had a bit of an upsetting convo with my dad last night.  He called to check on BB and mentioned that he has stopped taking his cholesterol medication.  He's been on it for several years now (11 maybe?) and his joints have been bothering him a lot recently.  Because of his work, he's very active, and is definitely not out of shape.  He heard of some relatives who stopped taking their cholesterol meds, and they're not having joint problems anymore.  He says he stopped taking his this weekend, and the next morning he was able to get out of bed without any problem.  I suggested that he should discuss this with the doctor, and he seemed to think that if he just started watching his diet he could stay off them.  If he had watched his diet in the first place he may not have ended up on them!  And mom mentioned in an email yesterday that she and dad had Chinese food one night this weekend - does this count as watching your diet?!  He seems to think that he'd rather die of a heart attack than be uncomfortable all of the time.  I want BB to grow up with his grampy in his life.  And the other thing is, who says he'll die of a heart attack?  Maybe he'll end up with heart problems, and not be able to enjoy his quality of life because he has to take it easy all the time?  It's not black and white.  I totally get the fact that he wants to be free from pain, but I really think he needs to discuss all of this with his doctor.  Unfortunately, his doctor is the same doctor I go to... he's retiring in a year.  He isn't exactly "with it."  But in the current situation our health-care system is in, you can't just jump ship and go to a new doctor.  I voiced my opinion.  I cannot nag.  He will only tune me out.  I need to let him be an adult and handle this.  But in the meantime, I will worry.  Because it seems to be what I do.

History

Once upon a time, I spent a week chatting online with a boy I met on matchmaker.com.  He spent a considerable amount of time pestering me to meet him.  Nine years ago today I finally caved and told him to come over to watch The Simpsons with me that night.  

Five years ago today I married the same boy.  

Forty-three weeks ago today our baby boy joined our world.

Four nights ago we decided that we will be having another baby.  

And I am a very happy girl.  :)

Mmmmm... Donuts

I want a Tim Horton's chocolate dipped donut.  Not one.  Six.  Maybe even a dozen.  I'm not a fan of Timmy Ho's coffee, but wow, I'm craving one of their donuts right now.  I don't think I've had one since the last tournament I went away to...  about a year and a half ago.   

I've been a bottomless pit the past two days.  I can't get enough to eat.  Yet the scales keep going lower and lower.  I now weigh less than I did when I got pregnant.  The difference is that I was fit and had muscle when I got pregnant.  Right now, it's all saggy and droopy.  But tonight when I was stripping down to get in the shower, I glimpsed myself and was surprised at how thin I am beneath the droopiness.  I think I ate about a half dozen muffins yesterday.  Thank goodness I'm making quadruple batches of them right now.  I've credited breast feeding for helping me to lose all of the pregnancy weight, so I guess I have BB's ravenous appetite to thank for the continuing loss.  It's the only explanation I can come up with for the insatiable hunger I've been feeling these past two days.  

I had my yearly dentist appointment today.  I really like my dentist, but I truly hate the dentist.  Does that make sense?  She's really nice, but I had a dentist as a kid who wrecked me for life when it comes to dentists.  I've also had a terrible, skin-crawling GP experience too, that I've been having a lot of flashbacks to recently, but I digress.  That's a topic for another post.  Maybe.  I was happy to hear that I once again don't have any cavities, so I (hopefully) won't have to set foot in her office for another year.  Next year I'm taking BB with me for his first appointment, so I'll have to pretend that I LOVE being poked, prodded and scraped.  It should be fun.  One neat thing about today's appointment is that she smoothed out my front teeth.  Sounds weird, I know.  I broke my tooth when I was a kid, and instead of putting a real cap on the tooth, they just kind of built one out of white filling material.  Anyway, the current fake tooth I sport seemed to have become a bit rough over the last couple of years (she says it happens with the white fillings sometimes) so she buffed it out.  It looks better and feels really smooth when I rub my tongue over it.  BB is always running his tongue over his new front teeth, and I had to chuckle when I caught myself doing the same thing tonight.

BB now has four teeth on top and four on bottom.  I finally managed to get a finger in his mouth this morning (the first time in a couple of days that he would let me) and the remaining two that were just under the skin have now broken through.  Maybe maybe maybe we'll have a good night sleep again sometime soon?  I don't mind if he needs to get up once, I get that.  He's a baby.  It's okay that he gave us 13 hours of consecutive sleep for 17 days in a row when he was three months old, and then took it away from us.  But having to get up with him two or three times a night right now, plus waking up for the day at 05:00 or earlier is really starting to make me feel a bit zombie-like.  

I've been working hard over the past couple of weeks to teach BB how to wave.  I've failed at every attempt.  Then last night, N was walking by with her hound and DH and BB were looking at her from the living room window.  DH told BB to wave hello, and demonstrated how to do it.  Guess who started waving?!  So exciting!  Now he waves at us all the time.  I was changing his diaper this afternoon and his sweet little arm was flailing around.  :)  

It's going to be an odd weekend...  DH is going to be at a seminar all weekend, so beginning late tomorrow afternoon, BB and I will be on our own for most of the time.  DH will be home to sleep, but from the sound of things, that's basically all we'll see of him until Sunday night.  I have a couple of friends coming over Saturday night for a Stitch-n-Bitch, but aside from that there's nothing else planned.  I'll probably be begging my parents to come visit to break up one of the two days.  I don't mind one bit being here with BB all day, but I always look forward to DH returning home from work at 16:30.  I'm not sure how it will feel not having that to look forward to with nothing else to break up the day.  On the bright side though, DH is taking tomorrow off of work, so we'll be able to get a few errands taken care of and spend a bit of time together.

I'm meeting with a potential babysitter next Wednesday night.  I'm a bit nervous.  If anybody reading this has any ideas about the sorts of questions I should ask her, please let me know.  I'm worried I'm going to forget something that is really important, and then will kick myself later for not asking.  There's still no decision on BN2, but I figure I need to get my ducks in a row in case we do decide to proceed.

I Guess It's Not Over Until the Fat Lady Sings

First of all, I'd like to thank those of you who have left comments for me regarding the baby number two (BN2) situation.  You're all so supportive and kind.  I'd also like to thank you for not saying, "Maybe he'll change his mind."  I've only told three of my closest friends about this whole thing and each of them said it.  I didn't want to hold out any hope for that, because I couldn't stand to have my hopes dashed a second time.  For me, it was better to accept that this is how things will be and begin trying to deal with it and continue on my journey.  

...And then we started talking again on Saturday night.  I was baffled.  Completely baffled.  BN2 is actually a possibility.  I don't really want to get into the details here, or at least not now, but we're talking.  I feel like I'm playing a dangerous game right now... my heart is soaring, I'm so excited.  If he decides that no, he doesn't want to go through with it, I will be completely crushed.  In the meantime, I'm scoping out babysitters again, trying to line something up for May.  I still don't feel like leaving BB with someone else is the right thing to do, but if BN2 is going to happen, this is the route we need to take.  And at the end of my leave with BN2, I won't be going back to work full-time.  

Hopefully if we go through with this it will happen as quickly as it did last time.  We were so fortunate to have it 'take' on the first try.  It was pretty shocking at the time to have it happen so quickly.  My BFF, T, had her little boy a week before my test finally showed positive.  She and her hubby had tried for quite a while to get pregnant.  I was so happy that she already had her little boy by the time I found out; otherwise, I would have felt really guilty for it happening so easily for us when it was a struggle for them.  Not my fault, but I still would have felt bad.  

You know what I found so funny about making BB in one try?  The fact that I spent several months in high school "playing with fire" before I went on the pill.  It's amazing that I didn't become a high-school mom.  Fate must have been on my side in both instances.  

I'm in the mood to babble on all night, but I need to get to bed.  BB decided this morning that he should begin his day before 04:00.  I joined him for his 06:00 nap (who the heck takes a nap at that time of day?!) but I'm still tired, and who knows what time he's going to wake up tomorrow morning!  

The Light of my Life

Last month it seemed that BB was putting most of his efforts into learning to pull himself up and stand.  He's still doing this (he can even pull himself up using the wall now for support... nothing to really grab on to!) but he's back to developing some more neat tricks as well. 

A couple of months ago he started giving me kisses.  His kisses consisted of him wriggling over to me and pressing his open mouth against my face, and drooling all over me.  He never would do it if I asked, it was always something he would initiate on his own.  Now if I put my cheek in front of his face and ask for a kiss, he'll give me one.  And I noticed yesterday that he's starting to move his lips a little bit while he does it too.  So sweet!  This morning when he kissed me he dug his bottom teeth into my cheek... hopefully he doesn't continue doing that!  

DH has also taught BB to make kissing noises.  Now we can say, "kisses!" and kiss the air, and BB will smack his sweet little lips together to make a smacking sound.  The little grin that accompanies the sound is absolutely adorable.  He's so proud of himself.  One more way we are able to communicate with one another that doesn't involve him crying.  

Speaking of crying, BB is beginning to get angry when we take him away from something he shouldn't be into.  He'll cry and scream.  Luckily at this point, you can usually distract him pretty quickly with a toy.  But he remembers what he shouldn't have and eventually tries to go for it again.  

I've noticed this week that BB is now doing an honest-to-goodness crawl more often than not.  Up until now his main mode of transportation (besides being in our arms!) has been the "Wounded Soldier Shuffle"  (I actually read different stages of crawling in a Pampers brochure recently, and they called it the "Combat Crawl".  I had to laugh at the similar description.)  I don't think he moves much faster by crawling this way, but I think it's one step closer to being vertical. 

More on the vertical--He's now cruising a bit.  Not a lot but he is taking a few steps between the toy box and the chair in the living room (they're close enough that he can keep one hand on something as he moves about) and is also moving from end to end of the couch.

Dancing has become one of BB's favourite things.  He does it everywhere.  In his highchair, while playing and standing.  Yesterday he even did it while crawling.  He got on his hands and knees, pointed his bum in my direction and started wiggling it.  hehe.  

BB now claps his hands.  He'll do it when he's dancing (and he dances everywhere... in his highchair, while playing, standing, etc.  Sometimes he even does it without music.  

Yesterday his sixth tooth arrived--just two days after the fifth.  This one is on top, to the left of where his left front tooth will be.  I'm expecting that missing tooth any day now; it's so close to the surface, as is the tooth to the right of his right front tooth.

I went out last night to visit a friend, so DH was left to take care of the bath and bed time routine.  BB was happy in the grown-up bathtub!  Hurray!  Looks like I won't need to don my swimsuit tonight for his bath!  

Hopefully I've remembered everything I wanted to log.  If not, I reserve the right to edit to add things as I remember them!  :)

No title for this one

I feel as if I've aged 10 years since Saturday night.  I'm trying not to show my hurt (and now the anger that's starting to well up inside of me) towards DH, but it's there.  

This did give me a good belly laugh tonight, which I totally needed.  (Note, the top here is female, the bottom is male.  Looks like something I'd see with our crew.) 

BB's fifth tooth arrived today.  It's his top, front, right tooth.  I have a feeling this is going to be another night with more than one wake-up.  I can't complain though, if the night time wake-ups are the only side effect of his teething.  I was chatting on Facebook today with some friends, and one of them was talking about using Oragel on her baby's gums and giving him ibuprophen.  I can't imagine drugging BB.  Either he's a very good natured baby, or I'm incredibly tolerant.  I'm guessing it's the former.  

Weekend

This has turned out to be the worst weekend in a very very long time.  

DH and I normally hang out together Saturday night.  We play games, have a snack, chat, etc.  The rest of the week we tend to go in our separate directions most nights, and on occasion I'll join him in front of the TV with the poochies.  

Last night neither of us was feeling up to a game, so we decided just to have a snack and a chat.  I had just received a response from the babysitter I had contacted on Thursday and was feeling cornered again about having to make a decision about the whole returning to work thing.  So we finally started talking out our options.  After lots of tears on my part, we eventually we came to the decision that I need to decide either way within the next few days whether I'm going back full-time, or whether I'm going to stay home with BB during the day and find a way to make $X on the side (most likely evening work of some sort) and then start working on making it happen.

I'm pretty sure I've mentioned before, I really really really want another baby.  I have so many reasons.  I've been afraid to bring it up though, because DH wasn't exactly keen on having BB.  Yes, he was in agreement to it, but he was only doing it for me.  So as long as I didn't bring up the subject of having another baby, my dream couldn't be crushed.  However, if we were going to have a second child, it would make sense for me to return to work full-time and try to get pregnant right away so that I wouldn't miss out on too much time with BB, and so that they'd be close in age.  By returning to work full-time, I'd get EI benefits to help us get through another year.  Since we were talking about options and whatnot, I knew that I had to bring this up.  

And then my little imagined world of what our future will be like came crashing down around me.  At first I thought he was going to agree.  But no, it didn't happen.  The little bursts of conversation and tears and sobs and heartbreaking went on until almost 23:00.  I know he has his reasons.  I get that.  And I get that kids were never a part of his master plan.  

My heart is breaking for BB because he's never going to know what it's like to be close to a sibling.  It breaks for myself... I have so much love to give to another baby.  I now know how amazing it is to be a mom.  When I was pregnant with BB, I didn't look forward to him being born, because I didn't know how much I would love him.  I want to do it again and actually be excited about the baby's arrival.  And when BB was born, I only got to hold him for a moment before they whisked him away to NICU for most of the entire first day of his life.  I know that overall it didn't affect our bond, but I feel like I really missed on something by not getting to spend that first day together.  My heart breaks for us as a family.  

I feel as if I am mourning the loss of a child I never even had.  I don't know how this makes sense.  

When I view our family in my head, it's like there's this extra spot... it's blank right now and has something like, "insert child here" written over it.  It feels so weird knowing that it's going to be blank forever.

I don't know how else to put what I'm feeling into words.  I just re-read everything I've written and it reads so empty compared to how I'm feeling.  

It's so odd... having so much in common with one person, being so compatible with that person, loving that person so fully, yet being not on a different page, but an entirely different book on one topic that is so important.

And on top of all this, we quit flyball this weekend.  If I go back to work full-time, I can't leave BB on the weekend to go to practice or tournaments.  If I don't go back to work, we can't afford to go away to tournaments.  It's lose-lose.  We both feel terrible for disappointing the team, and having to give up something we both love so much.  In the end, it's all worth it for BB, but it's still hard to walk away from so many great friends.  

Bath Time, Take II

I wrote Wednesday night about our (failed) attempt to transition BB to the grown-up bath tub.

Thursday night didn't go any better.  More screaming and crocodile tears.  

Friday night I had to go into town to run a few errands, so DH was left to deal with bath time.  We decided beforehand that he should just bathe BB in the little blue baby tub, rather than upsetting BB while I wasn't here to help soothe him.  Turns out that bath time is no longer okay even in the little blue bath tub.  He reacted the same way as he does in the grown-up bath tub.  :(

Tonight we tried something different.  First, I geared up in my bathing suit.  When we took BB into the bathroom and he realized what was going on, he started to whimper.  So he and I sat on the toilet and chatted until he calmed down.  Then DH held BB on the toilet while I climbed into the bath tub and read his little bath tub book to him a few times.  ("Red crab scuttles fast.  Pink jellyfish glides past."  Yep, I have most of his books memorized.)  Then we played peek-a-boo with the shower curtain.  Finally he was giggling and laughing, so DH placed him in my lap in the bath tub.  We read the story a few more times and played silly with him while his little lower lip quivered.  Once he was okay with being in my lap, we placed him in the water facing me.  Bring on the tears and the crying.  So I hauled out the big guns.  Sing it with me!  "Old MacDonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-O!"  I'm not sure why, but I have some amazing success with that song.  From that point on, the rest of the bath wasn't too bad.  We worked quickly but gently and even got a few giggles out of him along the way!  (He loved it when DH played the "Near... Far!" game with him...  think Grover from Sesame Street.)  Once we were finished we didn't linger; we called it a success and got him out of there!  

I'll probably climb in again tomorrow night too, just to be safe, and then hopefully he'll be okay.  There's an awful echo in the bathtub, and the side is quite high; it's no wonder he's feeling overwhelmed in there! 

For some strange reason, putting on my bathing suit, climbing in the bath tub and singing my heart out to Old MacDonald completely reminded me of the night I spent giving birth to BB.  I felt exposed and a bit weird having an audience, but I had a job to do, so that's what I focused on.  I know the two incidents are nothing alike, but it really left me with that same feeling.  And now that the job is done, I have a similar feeling of victory.  :)

Blue Wrapped in White

It's snowing again.  This winter, the snow hasn't bothered me.  I haven't had anywhere to go.  Let it snow.  Today though, it seems exceptionally dark.  We're almost out of wood, and electric heat isn't the same, so I'm feeling a bit chilly.  

The whole work thing is starting to seem more and more real every day.  Some days I have the "I can make this work!" attitude.  Days like today I just want to cry.  If I stay home with BB and find an evening job, will I have any energy for life?  I'm one of those people who needs at least eight hours of sleep to properly function.  I need to take a sick day every couple of months.  Not because I'm sick, but because I need a day to recharge my batteries.  If I choose this path, that will not be an option.  

I've said it before... I can't stand the idea of someone else raising BB.  It's our job.  But will my time with him be quality?  If I take an evening job we won't have the family suppers that I planned on.  If I take an evening job, I won't be here for bedtime.  But if I take an evening job, will I have the energy to give BB the best days possible?  

Why can't I have it all?  The money and the time with BB?  Okay, I know why, but just indulge me in my whineyness.  

I responded to another kijiji ad today.  I hadn't contacted anyone since the week I met with my manager.  This daycare is about seven minutes from home.  The ad was worded nicely and there were no spelling mistakes.  Yes, that is important to me.  If you can't spell well enough to post an ad on kijiji, you're not going to be spending all day every day with my son.  None of the other ads I had responded to really worked out due to location.  Location won't be an issue with this one.  I'll need to find another excuse not to like it.  

DH and I need to sit down and figure out exactly what we need in order to make this work.  I don't know where to start.  I'm overwhelmed, emotional and I can't think straight.