Funny

Funny how a phone call can put all the drama to bed. Definitely am NOT interested in anything with the army guy. He might be nice enough, but has a bit too much resentfulness towards his ex and is definitely NOT for me. I think his energy would bring me down.

54 minutes on the phone solves THAT dilemma! :)

Handsome is coming over tomorrow night. Yay!

Drama

I said that I wasn't going to post personal stuff for a while, but it's so hard. I know my friends have to be tired of hearing me talk about this stuff. I need an outlet, I need my blog!

Today is the last day of February. This morning I am finding myself reflecting on the past month. It has had its ups and downs for sure. The month began with my newest love interest breaking my heart, but it turns out that he hasn't left my life. In fact, he's still a very big part of my life. If it weren't for the fact that I know we're not together, I'd almost be able to convince myself that we still are. My friends think he's playing games with me. I see it, but I'm choosing to let it happen. I don't want to walk away. He's still giving me so much and I'm greedily gobbling it all up. Yes, I'm probably going to get hurt again, but that's a chance I'm willing to take to still have him be a part of my life.

All of that being said, yes, I am still swimming in the pond. I was supposed to meet someone today, but it felt icky. I think it's due to two reasons. The first one is that he seems too much like the previous two guys I've been in long-term relationships with. The second one is the matter I mentioned above. I like to think that if I meet someone who has several of the qualities on my list of things I'm looking for, that I'd feel better about meeting them. But I'm so hung up on the other guy, that perhaps I wouldn't. I can't tell.

As February closes I am finding myself at a crossroads. The last few days I've been chatting with someone who does have several qualities from "the list." He can write a real message and has contacted me often this weekend. Very nice. However, he's in the military. I have no issue whatsoever with army guys. Yes, some give the others a bad rep, but I don't believe in painting everyone with the same brush. What does make me pause is the fact that he will most likely be posted elsewhere at some point in the future. I am not leaving the area. Do I want to open myself up to this person knowing that it won't work out? Yes, I know it's premature to think about that sort of thing, but I do. I am a future thinker, for sure. I was discussing this issue last night with the guy discussed in paragraph 2 (I really need to give him a name to make this easier. Let's call him "Handsome" for now. OMG, that sounds cheesy!) As I said to him last night, "Yes, I need to do what is best for me, but there are a lot of other people's lives to take into consideration when considering a new relationship." There's my family - they've done so much to help me, it wouldn't be fair to up and leave them. There's the children - I feel that they deserve to grow up surrounded by their family that loves them. There's even XH - moving would make his time with the children much more difficult and infrequent. And to be honest, I really don't want to leave my safety net. Every time I've left this city, bad things happen. I think that I'm meant to be here.

And again, it all boils down to the fact that I'd rather be with Handsome than anyone else. How did he get under my skin like this? Why am I even looking for someone else? I think I'm hoping that another Handsome will come along and sweep me off my feet the way the first one did. No one else truly measures up though. I know the smart thing to do right now would be to stop holding out my heart to him, waiting for him to take it. Put it back in my chest and let it wait in there for BN2 to arrive in four weeks, and use it to love her when she arrives. But there's so much that I have to give. Enough for both of them, and BB too. Perhaps when BN2 arrives it will change my focus. I remember the effect the hormones had on me last time. Suddenly nothing else mattered but my little family. Maybe all of this guy drama will fade into the background. One thing that I do know for certain is that regardless of what happens relationship-wise with Handsome, I very much would still like to be his friend, and I hope that in spite of everything we'll manage to keep that friendship.

I miss you

Hello blog. I miss you. I moved all of your old posts to the private blog the other day. I miss knowing that I can express my thoughts here anytime I want to release them without directing them at any one person. However, until prying eyes can't hurt me, it's best that I keep my thoughts and my personal life as private things.

I will say that I am missing being loved. It's so hard to stand back and love someone and know that while they like and care for you they don't love you. For now I will wait and hope that time has a way of making things right again. xo to you my love.

Alone again

I had a hard time showering tonight. I could smell his cologne in my hair and hated to wash away the scent. When I returned to the living room after showering I was warmed and heartbroken to be greeted with the familiar scent.

Why do I fall in love with the wrong people? Why does my heart have to be in a constant broken state? I was so happy with him, and the weird thing is, he was happy with me too, but knows that he doesn't want to be tied down to someone with a newborn and a small child right now. Do I regret meeting him? No. He's given me so much. What we had was amazing, even if it only lasted for a little over a month. My heart hurts so much right now. I'm going to bed and hopefully I'll find the strength to continue on tomorrow, because tonight, I'm not so certain I'll have it.

Dear Neglected Blog...

I slowly hand over my heart, broken piece by broken piece. Hoping he'll be careful with it. Hoping he'll gently hold the bits while I try to piece it all together again. Maybe I shouldn't expect that from him... perhaps he'll just toss all the pieces on the floor. My head screams caution, but my emotions have always won out, continue to win out, and will continue to do so in the future. Trusting isn't easy for me anymore, but yet I continue to try, feeling like I'm constantly exposing myself, leaving myself open for rejection. Why? Because my heart soars when he doesn't reject me... when the phone rings, when he arrives at my door, when he holds me in his strong arms, when he caresses my very pregnant belly.

But when a day goes by and I don't hear from him, I feel like I'm freefalling again. I shouldn't be so dependant on the feelings of happiness I get when I'm around him. I should be focusing on BB and BN2. I know that. But there's a big selfish part of me that also needs to focus on me right now, and I NEED to feel something other than sadness and hurt.

I worry that I'm one of those people who can't be alone, someone who always needs to be in a relationship. I guess as long as I'm not dragging these people in and out of my children's lives, it's only me that has to suffer the consequences. So far BB hasn't met him. It works out well that BB is so young and goes to bed so early in the evening.

I know it's only been four weeks but at this point I feel like I'd like him to be a part of my life for a long while. I understand that things can change on a dime though. I've had it happen to me. And I don't know where his head is at. He's the one that keeps reeling me in, reminding me that I'm just getting out of a ten year relationship, that I should be taking things one day at a time. But I don't feel like he's a rebound. I feel too deeply for him for this relationship to be of that nature.

Today I am freefalling. XH moved his stuff out of my basement yesterday. I'm glad to be rid of it, but the mess that has been left behind is awful. My house reminds me of myself right now. I'm trying to get it organized, putting things where they belong, renovating where possible, getting rid of the stuff that doesn't belong, dealing with the mess that is left behind. I question how involved he is going to be with the children. He is already planning on going a week a half without seeing BB... this after saying he wanted to see BB at least 2-3 times a week. And then last night he started questioning whether he will even bond with BN2 and seems to be considering not being a part of her life. My heart breaks for my children. On top of the XH stuff, I didn't hear from "him" last night... we spent the weekend away together, so a night of not hearing from him when he's out of town on business shouldn't be the end of the world. But it's all compounded into me feeling like I'm skydiving without a parachute, and I am so incredibly scared of heights.

A New Year, A New Beginning

It's been a while since my last post.  In fact, I believe this might be my first one of 2010.  XH (yep, he has a new name) moved out on New Year's Day.  Well, he's gone, but most of his stuff is still at the house.  I cried that morning when we said good bye, but more for the loss of my doggies than for what was lost between us.  I haven't cried since. 

 

I've let go of most of the anger.  I have a lot of resentment towards how I was treated.  That probably won't go away.  I can't predict the future though. 

 

Lately I've been thinking about moving all of my old posts to the private blog.  I feel like I've let my dirty laundry hang out long enough.  I think it's time to reel in all of the past

life and tuck it into bed.  I'm debating what to do with all of my old FB albums.  I don't like denying the past, but all the pictures of XH and I beaming at the world seem a bit odd now. 

 

In hindsight, what we had wasn't a marriage.  It was a comfortable, convenient friendship.  I can see that now. 

 

I'm moving on.  I know it's too soon.  I'm sure that's what everyone will tell me.  But I've met someone and I'm happy.  I don't want to jinx it by saying too much.  Again, it's soon.  The relationship is still in its infancy.  But he meets all of the "dream guy" criteria I've had in my head for a long time now.  I started the criteria list long before XH and I even came close to breaking up.  In addition to meeting the "criteria", he takes my breath away when I look at him.  He listens to me and seems to "get" what I'm saying even though I'm not so good with the words.  He's caring and affectionate.  He gives the best foot rubs.  :)  I could go on and on.  It would be fantastic if it works out between us, but I'm trying to caution myself not to get too swept away.  I know it's too soon.  But I'm happy right now.  For the first time in an incredibly long time, I am happy, and for now, I'm going to enjoy it. 

Removing A Chunk of Previous Post

I'm moving my previous post to the locked-down-no-one-sees-it-blog. It has a lot of the details that belong to DH that I needed to record for my own healing.

The gist: DH has been cheating on me since September.

Here is a repost of what I posted at 02:30 this morning, but with some details removed...

I am a fool.

I need to do this post properly, yet it's 02:30, and I really should be in bed. I'm not sure if I'll be able to sleep though.

While DH was bathing BB on Christmas Eve (before he left for his outing with his "friend") he received a text message. He told me that it was just his "friend" sending him directions. Christmas morning I did something I shouldn't have done. DH left his phone in the bathroom when he returned home early Christmas morning, so I looked into his text messages, because I was curious where she lived. Instead of directions, her message was asking him if he wanted to play a game that night. Huh? I thought they were looking at Christmas lights. And I thought that she sent him directions. Vibrating, I checked his sent messages to see what he had in there. The only message was from a few weeks ago when our power was out, and he told her that the power was out, that he couldn't call, and it was ended with "goodnight love". HUH? At this point, I marched downstairs and confronted him. He told me that the game thing was just an inside joke (that I'm guessing my small mind wouldn't understand) and that they did look at Christmas lights. While down there, I noticed an empty wine glass on the floor and asked about that. Turned out he had a glass the night of the 23rd, but then lied about it the next morning, when I congratulated him on his five nights of sobriety. This put me over the edge. We spent most of Christmas morning discussing everything again and again. He promised that he wouldn't lie to me again (another lie as you'll see.) I asked him about his outgoing message, and he said that it was just a term of endearment (that he picked up off a friend of ours who calls his dogs and female friends "love") but that he didn't love her, and didn't have those sorts of feelings towards her and that he wasn't getting that vibe from her either.

Fast forward to tonight. I went to a movie with N and her husband, and a while after I returned home, he came upstairs and confessed everything. Or what I hope is everything. Because if this keeps getting drawn out any longer I may go crazy. Turns out he posted an ad back in September looking for something. He won't tell me what, but it was something specific and if he tells me that he'll be invading her privacy. (Eff her privacy, I say. I want the closure.) Anyway, she responded to the ad (and this is where I deleted out the details of their meetings.) I am gonig to mention; however, that he took her with him on his trip to Virginia. (You know, the one where he had the "epiphany" that he no longer loved me?) And that was supposed to be the end of their fling though because she didn't want to be involved in a relationship with a married man. He claims that he didn't love her then. And that when he broke up with me, they were no longer together, and that when he said he was breaking up with me because he no longer loved me, he meant it, that it wasn't because of her. The Kijiji ad that he posted looking for a friend? All a fake just to fool me. Job well done. He told me tonight that when I asked him on Christmas morning if he loved her that he could have said yes. When I outright asked, he told me that hey had sex on Christmas eve (after lying once that no, they hadn't.)

I knew something didn't seem quite right... wasn't adding up. But every time I'd squeeze something else out of him, he'd promise that he was done with the lying.

In all honesty, once again, I'm relieved to know the truth. I feel like this has given me a bit more closure. I'm much more angry with him now though, yet I still care about him.

I don't know what is truth and what is a lie anymore. He swears that she is the only person he's even cheated on me with. But again, do I believe him? What reason does he have to lie about that? But what reason did he have to lie about the lies about the lies?

He wants out of the house now. My initial reaction was to kick him out tonight, but I managed to bite my tongue. I can't handle the dogs plus BB on top of being pregnant. I need to play my cards right and try not to say or do anything that is going to make life even more complicated. I've also considered cutting him out of the children's lives, since I really don't want his mess spilling over on to them. But I'm not sure if that's the right thing for the children. He thinks that he'll be able to stop drinking once he's out of the house. I wish I could believe in him, but I can't right now. Because right now he's just looking to get out, even if that means renting a room and coming over here several times a day to take care of the poor dogs. (Don't worry folks, I'll try to give them as much love and freedom as I can when he's not around.) I predict that if he's still drinking then, it will be blamed on the fact that he still has to come here so frequently, and that once that's over with, he'll be okay. And so on and so on. He claims that he's made a promise to himself that if he does "slip" once he's out of the house, regardless of the situation, he's going to get counselling. I hope he does. I wish he would regardless.

I told him tonight that I don't want him there for the birth of BN2. He's okay with it and understands. I'm going to ask my brother's gf who has been such a huge support to me through all of this. Hopefully she'll be able to do it. I may change my mind in the meantime, but right now the idea of him makes me feel dirty. To think that he was fooling around with her (I'm really working hard here to not call her mean names because really, although she knew the situation, it's really his fault) and still sleeping with me. Accepting my love and my kisses. BNL has a line in one of their songs with has always resonated with me, "It's cruel, unusual punishment to kiss fingerprinted skin." It's funny that the line has been going through my head a lot lately. I feel dirty. I worry that she might not be clean. I might talk to the doctor about it the next time I'm in.

I feel like such a fool. I've defended him to so many people. I've wanted people to not hate him, since he's still the father to my children. I still don't want people to hate him for that exact reason, but I certainly do have less respect for him now. It will be harder to defend him now. But I don't want to get in the habit of bashing him at every opportunity. There isn't room in my heart for all of that bitterness. That sort of stuff eats at the very core of your being and changes who you are. And like I said, I do still care.

Did he tell me because he wanted me to know? No. He told me to lighten his load. But I'd rather know the truth than find out tidbits slowly over time, or to have to live with the suspicions.

You know, I just remembered something... he told me one time that he'd never cheat on me, because his ex cheated on him and he remembered how terrible that felt and would never do that to me. Heh. Another promise broken.

Keep it together

It seems cheap and tacky to post this blog entry tonight--Christmas Eve. Everyone I know is with their families tonight, continuing their Christmas traditions. Happy. All of their Facebook statuses are wishing everyone a merry Christmas. I can't even bring myself to update mine. I don't want to put something negative and draw attention to myself, but I can't pretend to be happy. I'm so sick of pretending for everyone else's sake. I don't know where else to turn but here to my blog. I don't even know how to express the emptiness I am feeling and have been feeling. This entry is probably going to seem as random and disjointed as I'm feeling, but whatever. I need to do something or else I may lose my mind or do something a little bit crazy that I can never take back. Maybe this will get me over the hump of tonight.

I'm sitting here alone. BB is in bed. DH (gawd, I need to come up with a new name for him. "The man I love with all my heart yet have been feeling so incredibly angry with lately"? A bit too long...) just headed out to meet up with his new "friend" in SJ to look at Christmas lights with her. (He claims they're just friends, and he hasn't gotten anything but friendship vibes from her... but that doesn't make it any easier on me when he's choosing to spend his time with another female.) Yes, I could have asked my parents to come out, but somehow that just seems even more lonely to me. And more frustrating, because they I have to put on that damn happy face. The "everything is going to be okay" face. The "at least I still have BB and BN2" face. The "at least DH and I are still friends" face. I'm f*cking sick of putting on those faces for everyone. I want to scream to the world that I'm miserable, that I'm lonely, that there are many times where I don't even want to live anymore. The only thing keeping me holding on is BB. It seems like an awful lot of responsibility for someone who is only 19 months old. But if I tell the world that I'm feeling this way, it just turns me into a spectacle. It makes my parents worry and in turn, drive me even crazier.

I hate that I feel so guilty about everything. DH is sad that he's spending a Christmas afternoon alone. He's afraid he's going to drink. He normally doesn't give a care about Christmas. I was always the one that made it into a big production. For some reason he suddenly does care this year. Had I known that he was worried about how he'd handle the day, I wouldn't have told my parents that BB and I would be down for the afternoon for Christmas dinner, etc. I would have just stayed here in an effort to help distract him. But then I feel so much anger at feeling that guilt. After all, he left me here alone curled in a ball on the love seat sobbing my heart out because I'm alone on Christmas eve. He's the one that doesn't love ME anymore. Why the hell do I still have to love him so gawddamned much? Why do I constantly consider his feelings? Why do I wish I could save him? He certainly didn't give me that sort of consideration. I feel guilty that I got angry when he left. I was tidying up BB's toys in the living room so that it doesn't look like a complete disaster when I take pics of BB opening his gifts tomorrow morning, and I got so angry at him that I took BB's little Mega Block truck and whipped it across the room and into his toy box. He told me that I won't be alone tomorrow night. I told him that I'm alone every night now. He said that he'd spend the evening upstairs with me and we'd play a board game. I feel guilty that he's agreed to do that because what if spending time with me makes him want to drink more? He told me earlier today that he can't talk about stuff with me when he's craving a drink because I was one of his drinking buddies. I haven't drank with him in almost two and half years... I feel angry that I've been painted with that brush. Then I feel guilty for the lifestyle we used to share.

BB and I watched videos today that I had taken in the summer when the three of us went to the park. I remember it being such a fun day. I was so happy. I thought we all were. Now looking at the videos, it all seems like such a lie. I feel terrible, because I feel like BB's entire life up until this point has been a complete sham. I can't believe both of my children were conceived without both of their parents loving each other with all of their hearts. My heart is so incredibly broken beyond belief.

I don't know what to do anymore. I just need to hold it together, and the pain will pass, right? Keep it together.

Separation Ramblings

It's been about a week and a half since I last posted.  Lots has happened.  The overall result to my life has not changed though. 

 

First of all, DH told me last week that it's okay for me to write about the thing that I thought I shouldn't write about.  We had been talking about how I had used the blog as a way to sort through how I was feeling, and he told me that I should feel free to write about it and that I don't need to keep it a secret.  He's not advertising this, but it's not a secret.  He has finally admitted to himself that he is an alcoholic.  No, he's not the type of alcoholic who wakes up in the morning and grabs his bottle to help with his hangover.  He's not the abusive type.  He's not what most people think of when they think of an alcoholic.  He's the sit in the basement by himself and drink beer every night type.  There have been a lot of contributing factors to this…  We always drank together several nights a week before we decided to have BB.  After we were married, we seemed to surround ourselves with new friends who enjoyed drinking and laughing as much as we did.  Somewhere in there, the drinking became his way of trying to hide from the fact that he wasn't happy.  The week after he broke up with me the drinking became much worse.  The following Saturday morning I found him hunched over his computer at 02:00.  I asked him what he was doing (my paranoid mind figured he must be chatting with a girl online) and he told me that he was trying to get over drinking.  At the time I thought it was just another one of his attempts to stop drinking.  It wasn't until the next day when we finally had a chance to sit down and talk that I realized how serious this was.  I knew he had a problem, but whenever I'd ask him about it, he would always brush it off.  He had made attempts to stop a few times over the past year or two when trying to get in shape, but after a short while would make excuses and start drinking again.  It was easier for me to believe that he really was in control than to confront him and risk a fight.  *sigh*  I always avoid the fights with him.  After that night, he managed to go three nights without a drink, and then had one beer on Tuesday.  He's now lasted seven nights without a drink.  I'm so proud of him.  I know he's struggling.  He won't ask for help.  For his sake, and for the sake of our children, I really hope he can do this. 

 

That same weekend, he posted an ad on Kijiji looking for an activity partner.  He decided that he needs a friend to do the things that he feels he's been missing out on with.  He had a few loons respond, but one girl in a nearby city responded to his ad, and they seem to have become friends.  He met her last weekend and spend the two hours they were together completely unloading on her.  I'm glad he has someone he feels he can talk to.  I "get" that I'm so tangled up in this entire mess that talking to me isn't the same as talking to someone who is completely unrelated to everything.  A fresh perspective, she is.  A jealous ex, I am.  But I'm not as jealous as I expected to be.  He seems quite adamant that he only wants to be friends with her…  that the pressure of a new relationship would make it hard for him not to drink to relieve the stress.  And remarkably, I don't hate her.  I really am glad that she's helped him to feel a bit better.  I wish I could be the one that he is turning to though. 

 

I had decided that I need to stop staying at the house.  Things were feeling really bad.  I felt like I wasn't letting go, or moving on.  The last couple of nights though have felt a bit better though.  I once again think that staying at the house is the right thing to do.  But it's difficult sharing a house with the man you love when he doesn't have those same feelings for you.  I'm constantly refraining from grabbing his butt, or giving him a quick snuggle when I walk by him.  The idea of house-sitting gave me a bit of a distraction for a day or two, before I realized that nothing would probably come of it.  But that was another couple of days that I survived. 

 

We've spent a few nights working on the separation agreement.  The first evening resulted in me crying, hand flailing, and accusing him of "gallivanting" around, when I found out that we had a misunderstanding on our agreement of not moving on to new relationships of any sort while we're both still living at the house.  He thought it meant no over-night guests.  I meant no moving on at all.  Big difference.  Our second evening of working on it was much more productive.  Then we sat down for a third evening and made a few touch-ups that we thought of after.  And last night we finally signed off on it.  It's basically a good-faith agreement between the two of us.  Because we're doing this amicably, we don't feel the need to go through lawyers.  We both agree that things will only get messier if they get involved.  I've watched it happen…  greed sets in and suddenly the couple is no longer working together but rather are working against one another.  Signing off on the agreement was difficult for me.  It was hard to watch him sign his name and see that it didn't bother him at all.  It's hard to know that he's so over me so quickly.  I can't even fathom it.  After we finished signing, he held me for a bit while I cried.  I know he feels bad for what he's done. 

 

I've asked him so many times over the years whether or not he's happy.  He always told me that he was.  I wish one of those times, before it was too late, that he would have actually thought about the question, and said that he wasn't, so that we could go get help.  Rescue our relationship. 

 

I'm trying to be mature and let him go.  It's not easy.  I feel so undesirable and unlovable.  This next part is going to sound foolish…  But as we were talking about this the other night, he encouraged me to put an ad out on a dating website.  Not that I'm looking for a relationship, but rather just to prove to myself that people would still be interested, even though I'm in an odd situation at the moment.  He even told me that despite our promises of not moving on, that I should consider going out on a date or two if I wanted, and he would be willing to stay with BB, and would not try to bend the rules for himself.  It's so odd to see him care for me in this way.  Part of me thinks that maybe he's just doing this to relieve his own guilt, but another part of me knows better.  So, I posted an ad.  I was up front and honest, no holds barred.  And would you believe some people actually responded?  And they were nice responses too.  I was told that I seemed down to earth, and that my profile was honest and funny.  Wow.  That was a major pick-me-up.  It's odd to have 40-something year old men interested in me…  when DH and I got together we were only 21.  I liked boys then.  Somewhere in there, I graduated to men, and didn't even realize it.  I'll probably never meet any of these guys, and once the baby arrives, there will be no time for any of that nonsense anyway.  But for now, it's providing me with a bit of a distraction and boosting my self-esteem in a cheap 15-year-old-girl kind of way. 

 

My SIL and I have spent time the past two Sundays together.  She's become an amazing friend to me through this.  She's so supportive and caring.  She's non-judgmental.  When I told her about my online ad, she was happy for me.  She totally "got" why I had to do it.  When I told my two BFFs about it, one didn't really say much, and the other (who I usually communicate with through email) pretty much chastised me in her reply.  But I know that if a friend of mine told me that her husband broke up with her two weeks ago and she was 24 weeks pregnant  and putting ads on dating websites, I'd be like, "Honey!  Woah!  Take a breather.  Take some time to heal first."  So, I guess perhaps this whole experience is giving me a new perspective on things.  It's definitely opened up my eyes to a lot of things.  And my SIL is showing me how to be a good friend. 

 

This has become quite long and rambling.  I still have so much to say.  I'm feeling so much.  There are times when I feel hope for the future.  Most of the time I feel sadness for what I've lost.  I know there will be happiness in my future, but I need to learn to trust again before that will ever happen.

One Week Ago Tonight

This week I've found blogging about the break-up of my marriage to be helpful. Some people prefer not to show their very personal stuff like this on their blog, but I guess this is my way of coping.

Now I'm running into a bit of an ethical dilemma... there is an issue that has affected the whole break-up of my marriage; however, it's not my direct issue. Although I previously knew this issue to be a cause for concern, I guess I was in denial about what a big issue it actually is. I've decided that I won't include it in my blog, but since I've been using the blog as a coping outlet, it leaves me without this outlet to discuss the guilt I feel for (what I feel is) my contribution to the issue, and the helplessness I feel when it comes to helping and supporting this person while they work to resolve their issue.

BN2 gave us a bit of a scare on Wednesday morning. I had a really big breakdown Tuesday night. Big. And from the time of my breakdown onward, I didn't feel her move at all. Which is odd, because she's always in there dancing all around most of the night. I decided I should head into emerg instead of going to work. They hooked my belly up to the fetal heart monitor in Labour & Delivery. I was warned that because I'm only 23 weeks, there was a good chance it would take them a few minutes to find her heart beat. However, they barely had the monitors touching my belly when I could suddenly hear her sweet little heartbeat. Once I relaxed a bit, I was able to feel her moving again. My blood pressure was also good, so I was very much relieved. I was then sent back down to emerg to talk to the psychiatric nurse. She determined that I didn't need medical help, and then sent in the social worker to talk with me. We chatted for quite a while. It helped a bit to hear that I'm handling everything normally, and that the decision that DH and I made to continue living together isn't "wrong" as there is no one right way to handle this sort of thing. After my breakdown the night before, I was worried that I would end up in the psych ward, or worse. But there haven't been any more "dark thoughts" (the social worker's term for it) since that night, so I guess it must have just been a stage of grief I was going through.

Since being assured that the baby is okay and that I'm handing all of this decently, I've been in better spirits. Don't get me wrong, I have my moments. Lots of them. But I made it through Thursday and Friday without crying at my desk. At home I still cry, but at home it's hard to pretend that everything is going to fall back into place. For whatever reason on Thursday, everyone kept asking me about what I'd do if DH decided he made the wrong decision and wanted to get back together. Well, I spent so much time thinking and fantasizing about it that I came home half expecting it to happen. I walked in the door, and as soon as I looked at him I knew how foolish I had been.

There have been several moments today where I've thought that BB and I should leave now. I feel like we're making it harder on DH to be where he needs to be. I sometimes feel like I'm having a harder time letting go by staying here. I'm always wondering when DH is going to rejoin BB and me in the living room, or wondering what he's doing when he's downstairs. I'm driving myself a bit crazy with it all. But leaving now means that I won't be able to save the kind of money that I will be able to if we stay here. And saving money is a big deal because I really want to be able to buy a small house for the three of us to live in once we're ready to be on our own. I'm not ready to stay with my parents yet... I'd be ready to leave before BN2 even makes her appearance! They're wonderful and supportive, but I'm used to my independence. Relying on them is not going to be easy for me. Also, BB is still getting lots of quality time with DH as long as we're still at the house. I know that once I'm at my parents' place, he's going to see him a lot less. It breaks my heart. DH is welcome at my parents' place, but I know he won't be comfortable there, plus it's a 25 minute drive from our place. I could move into an apartment, but that means not saving any money at all, and DH won't be able to give us any financial support because he's still paying the crazy mortgage on our house, so there's a good chance I wouldn't be able to make ends meet anyway. Plus, getting an apartment now would mean moving out in three months time to then go to my parents' place for support when the baby arrives. I don't want to move BB around that many times. It's not fair to him. I want only one move before we move into our permanent residence.

One of the major downfalls of us continuing to stay at the house is that I keep throwing myself at DH. And I keep getting rejected. It's like I can't stop myself. I'm a train wreck on repeat. I had little to no "desire" during my pregnancy with BB, and this time around it's very different. I keep wondering, "What kind of a guy doesn't want break-up sex?" But I think he has a lot of guilt over not loving me for so long without realizing it, and feeling like he's been living a lie... and if he has sex with me again, he'll feel like he's just using me again. But at almost 24 weeks pregnant, being rejected makes me feel like it's because I'm a cow and I'm completely undesirable. Especially since I know he's the type that doesn't need love to have sex. But I guess it's more complicated than that for him when it comes to me. I soooo want to feel pretty and feminine, and maybe even fool myself for a few minutes into thinking that I'm actually loved. (Wow, I sound like a 15 year old girl, not a 31 year old woman!)

I keep wondering, "When did *this* become my life?"

On a positive note, BB is still his usual happy self. He's given us no cause for concern, so if he does realize that something isn't right, he seems to be dealing with it okay. But, his routine is the same, and we both spend time alone with him, and we spend time together with him, so really, there's not much different, other than the fact that Daddy is sleeping in the basement now. On a side note, co-sleeping is different now... I'm used to having DH in bed too, and having him being half-alert when it comes time to take turns nabbing BB from getting up and starting his day at 4am. Now it's all on me. I guess I should get used to it, because it's not going to get any easier.

And once again, the blogging world has seen me naked. Or so it feels.

I'm wondering...

How long after the break-up of a marriage is it appropriate to continue wearing your wedding ring? Is it inappropriate to wear it on your right hand if you're not ready to give it up entirely? (I'm still not ready to take it off my left though.) Would it be wrong to keep wearing it until my hands become to fat to wear it any longer?

Do I really need to change my Facebook relationship status from married to single? Again, how long is it okay to just leave it as-is? Do I let him change the status, and just leave it until he does? I'd prefer to just leave it as-is. I think when he does change it, I'll just hide my status from that point forward.

How long does it take for you to stop loving someone that you love with every ounce of your being?

What I Wouldn't Do

I've been in love with this song for the past month. The more I've listened to the lyrics recently, the more I've thought that these words described my feelings for DH. I heard the song this afternoon for the first time since he broke up with me, and I completely lost it. It seems even more applicable now...

"What I Wouldn't Do"

by A Fine Frenzy

If we were children I would bake you a mud pie
Warm and brown beneath the sun
Never learned to climb a tree but I would try
Just to show you what I'd done

Oh what I wouldn't do
If I had you, babe, I had you
Oh what I wouldn't do
If I had you, babe

If I were old, my dearest, you would be older
But I would crawl upon your lap
Wrap a blanket 'round our frail little shoulders
And I'd die happily like that

Oh what I wouldn't do
If I had you, babe, I had you
Oh what I wouldn't do
If I had you, babe, if I had you

So lace your hands 'round the small of my back and I will kiss you like a king
I will be your bride, I'll keep you warm at night
I will sing, I will sing

It was now and we were both in the same place
Didn't know how to say the words
With my heart ticking like a bomb in a birdcage
I left before someone got hurt

Oh what I wouldn't do
If I had you, babe, I had you
Oh what I wouldn't do
If I had you, babe, if I had you

Worst November Ever

I've been having a completely terrible month.  I guess my last post kind of made that known.  What's gone wrong?  Where should I start?  It's gone from minor to major.  It started with bad service at one of my favourite restaurants (yes, that's obviously minor.)  Then there was a confrontation with a co-worker.  And by confrontation, I mean she became a complete tyrant who refused to listen to reason or accept any responsibility for a problem within her department.  Then I got food poisoning from my other favourite restaurant.  The same afternoon I was home sick with the food poisoning, my babysitter told me she's planning to return to work in January, so I'll need to find a new sitter for BB for my last two months of work.  (Does anyone remember the hard time I had finding someone I trusted him with in the first place?)  Then the following week, DH went away on a trip.  While he was away, I ended up with a flat tire on the van, and then when I went to meet BB's new babysitter, I lost the front tire in her ditch while I was backing out of her driveway. 

 

All of that was crappy to say the least.

 

But then DH came back from his trip.  I was so relieved he was home safe and sound.  For some reason, I had a terrible feeling about this trip.  I was constantly expecting an RCMP officer to come to my door to say that he had been in an accident while on the road.  The past week was a good one.  He was home; I thought we were all happy.  I had a  wonderful appointment with my OB last Wednesday that gave me some much needed closure on things I've been thinking about my labour with BB.  (On a side note, it would be so ideal if it were possible to have a "debriefing" appointment with your OB a few months after delivery.  Seriously, I got a lot of closure at this appointment last week.)  The three of us had what I thought was an amazing day on Saturday.  A family trip to the grocery store, lots of time together, BB was happy playing with DH while I made us all a yummy supper (a rare event in our house.) 

 

And then BB went to bed.  And DH broke up with me.  Turned out the terrible feeling I had about his trip was bang-on.  He used his time away to do some serious thinking.

 

How can things seem so perfect and not be?  Why did I have no inclination that this was coming?  Why doesn't he love me anymore? 

 

He and I are grieving through this together.  He's still my best friend and says I'm his.  We hold each other and cry.  We cry for each other.  We cry for BB and BN2.  We cry for ourselves. 

 

This is not your typical break up. 

 

This sort of stuff doesn't happen to us.  It doesn't happen to me.  Now I'll be a single mom to two kids under the age of two. 

 

I truly don't believe he's going to abandon us any more than he already has.  I believe him when he promises that he wants to be there for the kids and wants to provide for them.  But I also believed that he loved me.  But then, I think he also believed it too. 

 

I go from sobbing to hoping for a good future for my children and myself.  I occasionally feel resentment towards DH for putting us through this.  But generally, I feel sad for him.  For all of us. 

 

I'm so worried about BN2.  Hopefully she's strong and survives this period of stress.  Her movements have become much stronger lately.  A few days ago I wanted to eat all of the food in the world; now I'm forcing myself to eat for her sake.  Sleep isn't coming easily right now.  But there's only been two nights of sleep since it happened.  Perhaps tonight will be a bit better. 

 

I'm relieved that it is me that he no longer loves, and that none of this has anything to do with his feelings towards BB.  I'm happy that BB has two parents who love him more than anything in the world.  I'm happy that BB has two parents who are determined to ensure he has the best upbringing possible, even though we are no longer together. 

 

My image of our perfect future is shattered.  My heart is broken for all of us. 

On the Edge

I feel like I'm spiraling out of control. Bad things seem to keep happening, one right after another. Nothing terrible, but I find them all to be so incredibly upsetting, and one on top of the other makes it even worse. I'm now sitting on the edge of my seat waiting for the next thing to happen. Waiting for the next round of tears.

Those closest to me don't seem to get how I'm feeling. I get the feeling that everyone is just thinking, "Suck it up. Roll with the punches." Maybe they are just chalking it up to pregnancy hormones. Maybe it's just that they don't know how to reach out... Or how to reach me. Maybe I'm in even deeper than I realize.

I'm sinking. Again. And it's only November. It's going to be a long winter.

And now that I have that off my chest, I'm going to cuddle with some puppies and try to put that brave face back on.

Baby and Miscellaneous

I thought life couldn't get any more hectic, but it seems to have happened!  I'm not really sure where the time is going, but as of today, I'm 20 weeks pregnant!  We're half way there!  It's a bit scary actually… the first 20 weeks have gone by so quickly and there's still a lot to be done before BN2 arrives!

 

Things have been so busy lately that I haven't even been reading my favourite blogs.  I sat down last night and quickly made my way through the majority of them.  I've been feeling so out of the loop …and so slack in keeping up with my own.  I had hoped to document much of my pregnancy in my blog, but it obviously hasn't been happening!

 

We found out last Wednesday that we're having a baby girl!  I had been convinced we were having a girl and wasn't overly excited about it.  I figured a boy would be more convenient since we already have tonnes of boy clothes and a boy would make the whole sharing a bedroom situation a lot simpler!  However, when the ultrasound technician told us that we're having a girl I was so excited that I started to cry!  Things feel complete now.  I was a bit worried that if we were having another boy I'd get the baby urge again in another year, in hopes of having a girl.  Hopefully having a girl this time will keep me happy so that I don't have to put DH through that decision making process again.  Don't get me wrong, I'd have a houseful of kids if he was on board, but that's the problem… Since he initially didn't want any, both times when we've talked about having a baby the final decision has ended up being his to say yea or nay. 

 

I am currently waiting for the results of my MSS.  I had the blood test two weeks ago yesterday, and was told at my last prenatal appointment three days after that the results would be in within a few days.  I forget the timelines from my last pregnancy, but when I called the office yesterday to check in (to ensure I haven't slipped through the cracks again) the receptionist said that they hadn't received anything yet, but that blood work is sent to the IWK in Halifax and the results then have to come back to their office from there.  So we're playing the waiting game right now.  My doctor told me I was likely to have a positive result again this time.  My plan had been to definitely take the risk of the amniocentesis so that my mind can rest easy for the remainder of the pregnancy, but surprisingly, DH doesn't think the risk is worth it.  (That one was a shocker to me!)  So, this has been added to my list of things that we need to sit down and discuss.  That list is growing quickly!  But whenever we do have a moment or two together, the last thing I feel like doing is having a big serious discussion! 

 

Last week I had a lot of leg pain.  I vividly remember this happening during my pregnancy with BB.  It started in one leg, and lasted a few days.  Then it moved on to the other leg for a few days.  And then it was gone and didn't come back.  The duration of the second leg wasn't nearly as long as the first leg this time, thankfully!  It's hard to chase after a toddler when you want to cry because you're in so much pain! 

 

I had my H1N1 vaccination on Friday at a prenatal clinic and then took BB to the priority clinic on Sunday.  I've spent a lot of time waiting in line lately!  Luckily both times I was lucky to be in line with some great people.  They were all strangers, but chatting with them definitely helped to pass the time! 

Technological Musings

Since returning to work in May it feels as if DH and I have barely had a chance to catch our breath, let alone sit down and have a chat about anything. Life has been on fast forward for the past five months. Today is day three of my work-imposed sick vacation. Yesterday afternoon I signed onto aMSN for the first time since returning to work and had a great chat with DH. And we've been chatting for close to an hour this morning (I'm feeling much better today, and am going to try to not nap the day away!) It's nice to connect with him, even if it isn't in person! Technology is wonderful. Without it, I wouldn't have met DH in the first place!

H1N1, Anyone?

On Saturday night I came down with a cold. I could feel it taking a hold of me while I was out to dinner with N & S. I felt yucky on Sunday, but only cold-yucky—nothing to really worry about. Yesterday I went to work, but I took yesterday afternoon off because I had two appointments. I went for my maternal serum screening (cross your fingers for no false positives this time!) and then I took BB for his flu shot.

That’s the background.

So yesterday afternoon, after both of our appointments were over with, I was sitting on the couch reading stories to BB. I had noticed throughout the day that I had a bit of a cough, but nothing too terrible. Suddenly, I’m coughing so hard that it feels like my lungs are going to fly out of my mouth. This went on for about half an hour, then I remembered that all of my office’s H1N1 fear propaganda mentions that one of the symptoms of the flu is sudden onset of acute respiratory illness. At this point, I decided to check my temperature to see if was over 38C. Low and behold it was.

As soon as DH returned home from work I called Telecare to see if I should be panicking. After a lengthy consultation, the nurse told me that I need to see a doctor within three hours as I am exhibiting symptoms of H1N1. What??!! She was supposed to tell me it was all in my head and I was listening to the CBC far too much! The nurse gave me the number of the clinic that is only six minutes from my house, and told me to call ahead in case they have any special protocol for bringing someone with these symptoms into the office so I wouldn’t infect the other patients.

I called the clinic and the lady who answered the phone sounded positively annoyed with me. She told me they don’t have any sort of a protocol for this situation, but asked if I have a face mask. Everything I’ve heard in the media says NOT to run out and buy face masks, because most people use them incorrectly and it gives them a false sense of security. So no, I didn’t have a face mask. After a big sigh, she told me to come in and go directly to the desk and they would find an isolated room to put me in.

When I arrived at the clinic, there was a young girl working at the desk. I didn’t want to come right out and say, “Hi, I’m the person who has the H1N1 symptoms!” That would have caused mass panic in the waiting room full of people! So I just said, “Hi, I’m the person who called a few minutes ago.” Luckily she was in the loop and said, “You’re the lady from The Settlement?” Ahhhhh! She understood my desire to not create panic and was on the same page! Sweet! She summoned the older lady that I had been talking to on the phone by saying, “This is the lady from The Settlement.” Sweet! The older lady acknowledged the fact that I had brought my own pen to sign in with and then whisked me away to my own room.

Once in the room, the nurse informed me with more than a trace of resentment in her voice that Telecare should NOT have sent me to their clinic. They cannot do the H1N1 swab there as it can only be done at the hospital. She also said that she spoke with the doctor to inform him that they needed to come up with some sort of protocol for when people like me do arrive at the clinic. Well, I’m sorry that I inconvenienced you ma’am, I’m just doing what I’ve been told to do in order to make sure that my baby and I will be okay.

After waiting a short while, ten minutes max, the doctor arrived. At first he seemed almost mocking. As if he was thinking, “Foolish lady, thinking you have the swine flu!” But the more we talked the nicer he became. I think he realized that I realize there’s a lot of hype around the whole thing and that I there because Telecare sent me there. After asking a bunch of questions, he told me he didn’t believe that I had H1N1, or even the flu. He told me to get lots of rest and fluids, and gave me a note for work to stay home for a few days, or until I’m feeling better. We had a nice chat and made fun of the media lots. He definitely brought down my anxiety level. Before leaving the house I was convinced I was going to be the next story on the news about a pregnant lady dying with the flu! I worried that it would be my last time seeing BB. My fears took over all of my common sense. And then I returned home about half an hour after I had originally left!

My office’s pandemic rules say that we can’t return to work until we’ve been fever free for over 24 hours. I still have my fever this morning, so I guess I’ll be home tomorrow as well.

The funny thing is that last week, I was totally craving a day off. A day to nap, relax, and just let go of everything. Apparently, I should have listened to my body.

And now for the important lesson you should take away from this story: If you need to see a doctor, tell them you have H1N1 symptoms, and then you can butt an entire waiting room full of people at the after hours clinic!

Finally an Update!

I'm way past due for an update!  As I recently mentioned to Emilie, I had been feeling guilty about not updating as much now, but I've been busy living my life rather than logging it!  Soon, I'm sure I'll have lots of "down time" again to update on a more regular basis.  (Yeah, yeah, I know what you're thinking… "You're going to have two kids, you think you're going to have "down time"?  But not having 44 hours a week in the office will make a huge difference to my time!)

 

So, here are the odds and sods… updates and what's going through my head at the moment. 

 

• My ultrasound (almost four weeks ago!) showed that I was 11 weeks + 5 days.  So as of today, I'm 15 weeks + 3 days.  The time is going by so quickly.  I remember it dragging during my first pregnancy, but I'm so busy with BB and work that I blink and another day or week has passed. 
• My doc is already showing that he has math issues.  We ran into this a lot last time.  My last appointment was exactly two weeks after my ultrasound.  I told him that the u/s showed that I was 11 weeks + 5 days.  So he pulled out his little round, pregnancy calendar thingy, and informs me that I am now 13 weeks + 3 days.  Huh?  11 weeks + 5 days plus 2 weeks equals 13 weeks + 3 days?  I corrected him (because I figured it was an obvious correction), and he said, "Well, these things are never exact."  Ah, nice cover!  I get that they're not exact, but math *is* exact.  Or at least it should be!  Last time I stopped correcting him because I realized there was really no point and it just made me look like a smart ass, and this incident reminded me of that.  So again, I'll just grin and nod at whatever tells me, and count down the weeks until I move on to the OB, who seems to have more of a clue than he does. 
• I feel like I was put on this planet to be pregnant.  My pregnant state feels much more natural to me than my non-pregnant state.  Is it a female thing?  Is this what makes us keep having babies?  Even putting on my big, warm sweaters… last winter I felt empty in them without my baby belly.  When I started wearing them again this fall, the felt so much more right. 
• I've been thinking a lot lately about how friendships change and people drift apart.  It's something I'd like to explore more in a post, but I don't know if I can pull my thoughts together on it.  I am still raw from the friendships I'm thinking of in particular, and I feel that I need to take the time to properly write about them.  At this point, the time for a thoughtful post isn't in the cards.
• For the last year or so I've been a haunted by an incident involving a doctor I had in high school.  It's weird how you can ignore something for years and then suddenly it hits you like a tonne of bricks.  Again, another topic I'd like to try writing about to see if I can bring some closure to the issue, but I need to take the time to do it right. 
• I'm taking the plunge and getting the flu shot for myself and BB, and the H1N1 when it is available.  I don't know what the right thing to do is, and I worry that whatever decision I make will be the wrong one.  All I know is that I'll never forgive myself if I do the wrong thing.  It feels like I'm playing the lottery, but if I lose the results could be life threatening.  I'm afraid.
• We had family pictures done last weekend with the same person that did pictures of BB last fall when he was six months old.  I received the CD with the edits yesterday and was amazed with the results.  We have such a beautiful little boy.  He was having a rough day that day, and we all had to work hard to keep his spirits up, but you can't tell in the pictures.  He looks so happy in all of the pictures.  He completely takes my breath away.  (For the couple of you that read this that are friends on Facebook, I'll hopefully have some of the pics uploaded soon!)  I had to laugh at some of the family pictures though.  There are shots of DH and I walking away from the camera with BB in between us and holding our hands.  Oh my, do I look like a wide-load!  I had a hard time finding something to wear for the pictures that fit and didn't show off my newfound weight too badly, but that didn't make me look like Two-Tonne-Tessie as well.  Well, the pics from behind are frightening.  And no, those ones probably won't be uploaded to FB.  Or at least the worst of them won't be!  Ten pounds can make a HUGE difference when you're as short as I am! 

Bets, Anyone?

I'm placing my money on being about 12 weeks along.  Does anyone else want to place a wager?  I'll know in a few hours!  Yippee!

 

Unfortunately, DH is unable to join me today when I get my first glimpse of our new little one.  Because we've been keeping it a secret, he didn't feel right telling his boss about the appointment and he has an important meeting during the same time.  I would have been okay with him telling his boss so that he'd be able to join me, but I also understand the importance of this meeting.  Besides, there will be at least one other ultrasound.  I had so many ultrasounds while I was pregnant with BB, I wasn't the least bit surprised when I saw him in person.  It felt like I had been watching him for months.  It was fantastic.  Well, having potential issues wasn't fantastic, but getting to watch him grow was fantastic. 

 

I'll try to post an update sometime soon! 

Haunted

Last Thursday when I went for my blood work, there was a lady already sitting in the waiting area when I arrived.  She was a larger lady who had a young boy (maybe three years old) laying across her lap.  When I moved into the waiting area for the blood clinic she and her son were already there, and when I was called back to the chair for the actual blood test, she was sitting in the chair across from me with her son standing next to her.  As I waited for someone to begin my test, I tried not to stare while this lady was having her test performed.  Suddenly I heard a gasp and a bit of a moan.  Whatever the technician did hurt her.  A lot.  The next several minutes were a panicked flurry of technicians checking in on her, applying ice packs, and ensuring she was able to move her fingers.  She tried so hard to be brave for her little boy, but it was obvious she was in a significant amount of pain.  I could see the tears leaking out of the corners of her eyes.  Eventually they decided to try again in her other arm.  When the little boy realized that they were going to hurt his mommy again he became very upset.  He cried and clung to her.  The technicians tried offering him stickers and popsicles, but he didn't want any of it.  Now his mom had to deal with the pain in her left arm, hold her upset little guy on her lap, and have blood taken from her right arm.  Almost a week later I'm still haunted by this scene.  The love between the mother and her son was so obvious, but I feel so sad that both of them had to go through that experience.  Hopefully it wasn't one of those incidents that he will remember for the rest of his life.