One Week Ago Tonight

This week I've found blogging about the break-up of my marriage to be helpful. Some people prefer not to show their very personal stuff like this on their blog, but I guess this is my way of coping.

Now I'm running into a bit of an ethical dilemma... there is an issue that has affected the whole break-up of my marriage; however, it's not my direct issue. Although I previously knew this issue to be a cause for concern, I guess I was in denial about what a big issue it actually is. I've decided that I won't include it in my blog, but since I've been using the blog as a coping outlet, it leaves me without this outlet to discuss the guilt I feel for (what I feel is) my contribution to the issue, and the helplessness I feel when it comes to helping and supporting this person while they work to resolve their issue.

BN2 gave us a bit of a scare on Wednesday morning. I had a really big breakdown Tuesday night. Big. And from the time of my breakdown onward, I didn't feel her move at all. Which is odd, because she's always in there dancing all around most of the night. I decided I should head into emerg instead of going to work. They hooked my belly up to the fetal heart monitor in Labour & Delivery. I was warned that because I'm only 23 weeks, there was a good chance it would take them a few minutes to find her heart beat. However, they barely had the monitors touching my belly when I could suddenly hear her sweet little heartbeat. Once I relaxed a bit, I was able to feel her moving again. My blood pressure was also good, so I was very much relieved. I was then sent back down to emerg to talk to the psychiatric nurse. She determined that I didn't need medical help, and then sent in the social worker to talk with me. We chatted for quite a while. It helped a bit to hear that I'm handling everything normally, and that the decision that DH and I made to continue living together isn't "wrong" as there is no one right way to handle this sort of thing. After my breakdown the night before, I was worried that I would end up in the psych ward, or worse. But there haven't been any more "dark thoughts" (the social worker's term for it) since that night, so I guess it must have just been a stage of grief I was going through.

Since being assured that the baby is okay and that I'm handing all of this decently, I've been in better spirits. Don't get me wrong, I have my moments. Lots of them. But I made it through Thursday and Friday without crying at my desk. At home I still cry, but at home it's hard to pretend that everything is going to fall back into place. For whatever reason on Thursday, everyone kept asking me about what I'd do if DH decided he made the wrong decision and wanted to get back together. Well, I spent so much time thinking and fantasizing about it that I came home half expecting it to happen. I walked in the door, and as soon as I looked at him I knew how foolish I had been.

There have been several moments today where I've thought that BB and I should leave now. I feel like we're making it harder on DH to be where he needs to be. I sometimes feel like I'm having a harder time letting go by staying here. I'm always wondering when DH is going to rejoin BB and me in the living room, or wondering what he's doing when he's downstairs. I'm driving myself a bit crazy with it all. But leaving now means that I won't be able to save the kind of money that I will be able to if we stay here. And saving money is a big deal because I really want to be able to buy a small house for the three of us to live in once we're ready to be on our own. I'm not ready to stay with my parents yet... I'd be ready to leave before BN2 even makes her appearance! They're wonderful and supportive, but I'm used to my independence. Relying on them is not going to be easy for me. Also, BB is still getting lots of quality time with DH as long as we're still at the house. I know that once I'm at my parents' place, he's going to see him a lot less. It breaks my heart. DH is welcome at my parents' place, but I know he won't be comfortable there, plus it's a 25 minute drive from our place. I could move into an apartment, but that means not saving any money at all, and DH won't be able to give us any financial support because he's still paying the crazy mortgage on our house, so there's a good chance I wouldn't be able to make ends meet anyway. Plus, getting an apartment now would mean moving out in three months time to then go to my parents' place for support when the baby arrives. I don't want to move BB around that many times. It's not fair to him. I want only one move before we move into our permanent residence.

One of the major downfalls of us continuing to stay at the house is that I keep throwing myself at DH. And I keep getting rejected. It's like I can't stop myself. I'm a train wreck on repeat. I had little to no "desire" during my pregnancy with BB, and this time around it's very different. I keep wondering, "What kind of a guy doesn't want break-up sex?" But I think he has a lot of guilt over not loving me for so long without realizing it, and feeling like he's been living a lie... and if he has sex with me again, he'll feel like he's just using me again. But at almost 24 weeks pregnant, being rejected makes me feel like it's because I'm a cow and I'm completely undesirable. Especially since I know he's the type that doesn't need love to have sex. But I guess it's more complicated than that for him when it comes to me. I soooo want to feel pretty and feminine, and maybe even fool myself for a few minutes into thinking that I'm actually loved. (Wow, I sound like a 15 year old girl, not a 31 year old woman!)

I keep wondering, "When did *this* become my life?"

On a positive note, BB is still his usual happy self. He's given us no cause for concern, so if he does realize that something isn't right, he seems to be dealing with it okay. But, his routine is the same, and we both spend time alone with him, and we spend time together with him, so really, there's not much different, other than the fact that Daddy is sleeping in the basement now. On a side note, co-sleeping is different now... I'm used to having DH in bed too, and having him being half-alert when it comes time to take turns nabbing BB from getting up and starting his day at 4am. Now it's all on me. I guess I should get used to it, because it's not going to get any easier.

And once again, the blogging world has seen me naked. Or so it feels.

My Swirling Dark Pit

I feel like I'm sinking.  I survived the winter without anything more than the occasional "blue" day.  Pretty good for me.  Spring is now here, and those dark feelings seem to have arrived with it.  

I think it's just a combination of several things weighing me down.  

I don't feel that going back to work is the right decision for BB.  However, it is the logical thing to do in order to have BN2.  It won't be forever, as long as BN2 happens.  But I'm feeling a LOT of guilt about leaving BB with a sitter.  

Tomorrow I reduce BB's two daytime feedings to one daytime feeding and next week I'm eliminating the daytime feedings all together, as he starts spending a bit of time with the sitter next week.  This is breaking my heart.  I feel that he still needs to nurse.  I feel awful about already reducing him down to two feedings.  It wouldn't be bad if he wasn't interested in nursing, but the little guy loves it.  I'm being eaten alive by the guilt.  I want so badly to be a good mother to him, and I really don't feel like sending him to a sitter and reducing the frequency of his breastfeeding this is the way to do it.  

I'm worried about whether things are going to work out with my babysitter... that is an entirely separate post though.  

And then this weekend, DH was at his usual training all day Saturday, and then today his family came to help him reconstruct our woodshed that collapsed during the winter, so he spent the entire day outdoors working on that project.  Both the training yesterday and the woodshed today are very important things, and I don't believe for a second that he should have skipped out on either.  However, it meant that it was business as usual for BB and myself.  I look forward to the weekends because it means that we get to spend time together as a family, and during BB's naps, DH and I normally have some great chats.  Missing out on all of that this weekend really seems to have messed with my head.  

By suppertime I ended up sitting with BB in my lap front of the computer watching Sesame Street videos on Youtube so that he wouldn't be able to see my crying while I held him.  Since he doesn't get to watch TV, watching a bit of Sesame Street was definitely holding his attention.  If he sees me cry these days, he cries too, and I didn't want to make him cry, but I couldn't hold it in any longer.  

Tonight, I felt like the walls were closing in on me.  Part of me wants to crawl into bed and never get out.  But I know that laying there, buried under the covers, I'll only continue to brood.  My instinct when things get bad are to start walking.  Walk and walk and walk.  I don't mean walk out on my life or anything like that, but just walk until I can come up with a solution to all of the things that are upsetting me.  (You know, when I think back to a lot of the bad stuff that happened in a previous relationship, I often found myself wandering.  I never really made that connection until now.)  

I had hoped that once the decision was made about whether or not to return to work that I'd be able to relax and enjoy the rest of my time with BB.  But once the decision was made, I worried about childcare.  And even now that I have a babysitter, the dark cloud is still over my head.  I want to enjoy the next month, not spend the entire time brooding.  BB deserves our last month together to be special... not to have a mommy who is in tears all the time.