Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Still alive... really

My online presence has been practically non-existent recently. Emails are going unanswered, tweets are few and far between, and my blog now goes weeks without an update. Oddly enough though, my FB usage seems to be increasing a bit. But the reason for this just occurred to me… on FB I don't feel like I'm doing anything behind MB's back. Not that I should feel like my emails/tweets/blog are things I'm doing behind his back – he knows I use email (hahaha), he knows I have a blog and tweet, but those are all things he doesn't see. Hrmmm… that really wasn't the point of this post at all, but as usual, once I start to write the connections form in my head and things start to make sense.

So, back to my original ramble…

Life is busy. Between working, taking care of the kids, keeping house, and spending time with MB, my life is full to the max. …and I'm happy. And I know I've mentioned before, I write less frequently when I'm happy. It's harder to share the good than it is to share the bad. I always want to keep the good to myself… revel it in… bask it in like a fat cat lying in a spot of sunlight. :) And there's less emotional junk to sort through when I'm happy, so there's less of an internal push to utilize this outlet.

All of that said though, I don't want to give up this space entirely… although so much of what I have shared here seems like it belongs to someone else. Even the initial stuff with MB seems crazy. Things are so natural and comfy now… As I often do, I have the urge to hide away all of the old junk. Why expose anyone new to all of that craziness? However, I feel like I have to be true to myself… all of that is a part of how I got to this place.

What is this place? It's a place where I'm in love, and I am loved in return. I can't begin to adequately describe my feelings toward him. I feel fiercely protective of him… I hurt at the idea of doing anything that could hurt him. I don't recall feeling like this ever before. He's there for me when I need him... that is huge. We're planning our futures together… making plans to move in together, figuring out the best way to make it happen while keeping the children's best interests in mind. It's a lot… but I'm excited for the future. I'm quite certain I wasn't before. I was happy, but just go-with-the-flow happy… not really looking forward to anything. I feel like I'm part of a team… We both have the ability to give and receive. In previous relationships I feel like I have done far more of either one or the other.

I once thought that I didn't care if I ever was married again. When I was dating people and the topic came up, I was usually indifferent. "Well, I suppose if met the right person I'd be willing to consider it if they really wanted it." But that's changed… I've found someone that I want that with. It doesn't have to be tomorrow (and legally, it can't be) but I want it. I will not push for it though… I did that last time and we all know how that ended. If he really wants to be with me for the long haul, it will happen… and I believe it's best if it happens on his terms. He actually floored me a week or two ago… I was simply making him a grilled cheese sandwich one night and he appeared at the island in the kitchen and asked me if I'd marry him someday if he asked me. I almost cried… the idea of someone loving me enough to want that with me… it's huge. He asked the same thing again last weekend too. I hope that if the time comes that he does ask me, I won't know it's coming… I want to be surprised. I want what I've never had before. Strangely enough, it feels like I was only married in theory the first time… I want the real deal this time around… he needs to want it as much as I do.

I do know one thing… what I have with him is definitely unlike anything I've ever had before. Emotionally, sexually… it's all there and it's all different and wonderful. There's nothing I would change. I feel like I've found my best friend… the person I belong with. When we're together it feels like home. I'm so attached to him. He's so easy to be with.

He's away this week for work… only three sleeps. I feel like a part of me is missing. It's the week he is supposed to have his son, so we wouldn't have seen each other quite as much anyway… but knowing he's not just down the road leaves me missing him even more.

Everything isn't all rainbows and butterflies… We do have tough times. The three kids can be trying. There's some jealously/rivalry going on that I hope will work out over time… The weekends when we're all together have some tough moments… but when we're not all together, it doesn't feel quite right. Our extended families will never mesh the way mine and XH's did. My family hides behind fake smiles and unsaid words. His family doesn't seem to hide a lot… not a bad thing, but not what my family is accustomed to.

So… other random updates:

BG is walking now, almost exclusively. I expected her to be walking much much earlier, considering how mobile she was from such an early age, but no, she was content to crawl up until the last few weeks. She's still a petite little girl, and is wonderfully happy but very determined. She has MB wrapped around her little finger, and has already perfected the face that will make him do whatever she wants. Hehe. She says Na-na now for banana, and has been saying "up" and "yeah" (with an emphatic head nod) for a while now.

BB is growing up so fast. His speech is improving a lot. Others still need me to translate a lot, but it's definitely getting better. He's dealing with all of the changes in his life really well. He is so much like me… very emotionally driven, a bit unsure of himself, but confident when he knows something inside and out. He loves order, routine, and rules. He wants to know each day who is picking him up from daycare, and needs to know which house he will be spending the night at. He knows that Tuesdays he goes to "daddy's house" but he doesn't know which days are Tuesdays. And he is in love with MB's little white doggy. He has really started warming up to MB over the past few weeks… they've been cooking together in the kitchen and reading some stories together. BB now can't wait to give him goodnight lovin's, the same way he gives to everyone else who is important in his life.

XH and I are still close but we now have to schedule lunch dates in order to see each other. Because BG can now spend the weekends at his place, he no longer hangs out at the house with us. I miss hanging out with my friend, but this is how I expected things would go as the kids got older. When we go out to lunch it feels like there isn't enough time to share all of the stories about the kids plus all of our own stories about our lives. But I guess that's the same with any friendship, right? Our divorce will finally happen as soon as he receives his income tax assessment… I'm annoyed that it's taking so long. I just want it over with and behind me.

I've pretty much pushed H out of my life… and I feel a lot of guilt over it. I sometimes try to justify the guilt ("Hey, he did the same thing to me.") but I try not to do that because that doesn't make it right. I think it probably appears to him that we've drifted apart, and really, it's what's happened, but I feel like I've done a bit of extra pushing to make that happen. I recall the whole "friend 'til the end" thing, and if he needed something, I'd be there for him. But, it's been apparent that MB wasn't comfortable with our friendship. Theoretically, I should be able to say, "You need to trust me." However, if the tables were turned, regardless of the amount of trust I have for him, I'd still not be comfortable with him being close with an ex that he has the level of history with that I have with H. So I guess this makes me a bad friend… but… my choice has been made. It's shitty that I needed to make that choice, but I feel like it was necessary. Our friendship has been reduced to occasional texts to check in and a phone call every two or three weeks.

My only real "complaint" right now is that I seem to have lost all of the self restraint that I had way too much of not very long ago. I've gone from being far too uptight and self-righteous with everything to being almost reckless at times. I went three years without drinking… now I'm drinking more nights than not. I was careful about what I ate… choosing unprocessed foods as often as possible, eating things like bread in moderation, etc. Now, although I'm eating a greater variety of healthy foods, I feel like I'm also consuming a lot of things I've stayed away from for a long while… I'm eating a lot of bread now and that makes me fat. I hadn't eaten deli meat in at least a few years, and now I find myself putting it on pizzas and even in lasagnas. I spent the last year and a half being very frugal and actually saving up a bit of money. Now I'm going though it faster than I earn it. I really need to turn this around… I'm constantly broke, I feel like I'm getting fat again, and I don't feel as healthy as I used to. I really seem to live my life in extremes.

So yeah, that's where I'm at… overall everything is good. I'm really looking forward to seeing where this ride leads… :)