Saturday, November 28, 2009

One Week Ago Tonight

This week I've found blogging about the break-up of my marriage to be helpful. Some people prefer not to show their very personal stuff like this on their blog, but I guess this is my way of coping.

Now I'm running into a bit of an ethical dilemma... there is an issue that has affected the whole break-up of my marriage; however, it's not my direct issue. Although I previously knew this issue to be a cause for concern, I guess I was in denial about what a big issue it actually is. I've decided that I won't include it in my blog, but since I've been using the blog as a coping outlet, it leaves me without this outlet to discuss the guilt I feel for (what I feel is) my contribution to the issue, and the helplessness I feel when it comes to helping and supporting this person while they work to resolve their issue.

BN2 gave us a bit of a scare on Wednesday morning. I had a really big breakdown Tuesday night. Big. And from the time of my breakdown onward, I didn't feel her move at all. Which is odd, because she's always in there dancing all around most of the night. I decided I should head into emerg instead of going to work. They hooked my belly up to the fetal heart monitor in Labour & Delivery. I was warned that because I'm only 23 weeks, there was a good chance it would take them a few minutes to find her heart beat. However, they barely had the monitors touching my belly when I could suddenly hear her sweet little heartbeat. Once I relaxed a bit, I was able to feel her moving again. My blood pressure was also good, so I was very much relieved. I was then sent back down to emerg to talk to the psychiatric nurse. She determined that I didn't need medical help, and then sent in the social worker to talk with me. We chatted for quite a while. It helped a bit to hear that I'm handling everything normally, and that the decision that DH and I made to continue living together isn't "wrong" as there is no one right way to handle this sort of thing. After my breakdown the night before, I was worried that I would end up in the psych ward, or worse. But there haven't been any more "dark thoughts" (the social worker's term for it) since that night, so I guess it must have just been a stage of grief I was going through.

Since being assured that the baby is okay and that I'm handing all of this decently, I've been in better spirits. Don't get me wrong, I have my moments. Lots of them. But I made it through Thursday and Friday without crying at my desk. At home I still cry, but at home it's hard to pretend that everything is going to fall back into place. For whatever reason on Thursday, everyone kept asking me about what I'd do if DH decided he made the wrong decision and wanted to get back together. Well, I spent so much time thinking and fantasizing about it that I came home half expecting it to happen. I walked in the door, and as soon as I looked at him I knew how foolish I had been.

There have been several moments today where I've thought that BB and I should leave now. I feel like we're making it harder on DH to be where he needs to be. I sometimes feel like I'm having a harder time letting go by staying here. I'm always wondering when DH is going to rejoin BB and me in the living room, or wondering what he's doing when he's downstairs. I'm driving myself a bit crazy with it all. But leaving now means that I won't be able to save the kind of money that I will be able to if we stay here. And saving money is a big deal because I really want to be able to buy a small house for the three of us to live in once we're ready to be on our own. I'm not ready to stay with my parents yet... I'd be ready to leave before BN2 even makes her appearance! They're wonderful and supportive, but I'm used to my independence. Relying on them is not going to be easy for me. Also, BB is still getting lots of quality time with DH as long as we're still at the house. I know that once I'm at my parents' place, he's going to see him a lot less. It breaks my heart. DH is welcome at my parents' place, but I know he won't be comfortable there, plus it's a 25 minute drive from our place. I could move into an apartment, but that means not saving any money at all, and DH won't be able to give us any financial support because he's still paying the crazy mortgage on our house, so there's a good chance I wouldn't be able to make ends meet anyway. Plus, getting an apartment now would mean moving out in three months time to then go to my parents' place for support when the baby arrives. I don't want to move BB around that many times. It's not fair to him. I want only one move before we move into our permanent residence.

One of the major downfalls of us continuing to stay at the house is that I keep throwing myself at DH. And I keep getting rejected. It's like I can't stop myself. I'm a train wreck on repeat. I had little to no "desire" during my pregnancy with BB, and this time around it's very different. I keep wondering, "What kind of a guy doesn't want break-up sex?" But I think he has a lot of guilt over not loving me for so long without realizing it, and feeling like he's been living a lie... and if he has sex with me again, he'll feel like he's just using me again. But at almost 24 weeks pregnant, being rejected makes me feel like it's because I'm a cow and I'm completely undesirable. Especially since I know he's the type that doesn't need love to have sex. But I guess it's more complicated than that for him when it comes to me. I soooo want to feel pretty and feminine, and maybe even fool myself for a few minutes into thinking that I'm actually loved. (Wow, I sound like a 15 year old girl, not a 31 year old woman!)

I keep wondering, "When did *this* become my life?"

On a positive note, BB is still his usual happy self. He's given us no cause for concern, so if he does realize that something isn't right, he seems to be dealing with it okay. But, his routine is the same, and we both spend time alone with him, and we spend time together with him, so really, there's not much different, other than the fact that Daddy is sleeping in the basement now. On a side note, co-sleeping is different now... I'm used to having DH in bed too, and having him being half-alert when it comes time to take turns nabbing BB from getting up and starting his day at 4am. Now it's all on me. I guess I should get used to it, because it's not going to get any easier.

And once again, the blogging world has seen me naked. Or so it feels.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

I'm wondering...

How long after the break-up of a marriage is it appropriate to continue wearing your wedding ring? Is it inappropriate to wear it on your right hand if you're not ready to give it up entirely? (I'm still not ready to take it off my left though.) Would it be wrong to keep wearing it until my hands become to fat to wear it any longer?

Do I really need to change my Facebook relationship status from married to single? Again, how long is it okay to just leave it as-is? Do I let him change the status, and just leave it until he does? I'd prefer to just leave it as-is. I think when he does change it, I'll just hide my status from that point forward.

How long does it take for you to stop loving someone that you love with every ounce of your being?

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

What I Wouldn't Do

I've been in love with this song for the past month. The more I've listened to the lyrics recently, the more I've thought that these words described my feelings for DH. I heard the song this afternoon for the first time since he broke up with me, and I completely lost it. It seems even more applicable now...

"What I Wouldn't Do"
by A Fine Frenzy

If we were children I would bake you a mud pie
Warm and brown beneath the sun
Never learned to climb a tree but I would try
Just to show you what I'd done

Oh what I wouldn't do
If I had you, babe, I had you
Oh what I wouldn't do
If I had you, babe

If I were old, my dearest, you would be older
But I would crawl upon your lap
Wrap a blanket 'round our frail little shoulders
And I'd die happily like that

Oh what I wouldn't do
If I had you, babe, I had you
Oh what I wouldn't do
If I had you, babe, if I had you

So lace your hands 'round the small of my back and I will kiss you like a king
I will be your bride, I'll keep you warm at night
I will sing, I will sing

It was now and we were both in the same place
Didn't know how to say the words
With my heart ticking like a bomb in a birdcage
I left before someone got hurt

Oh what I wouldn't do
If I had you, babe, I had you
Oh what I wouldn't do
If I had you, babe, if I had you

Monday, November 23, 2009

Worst November Ever

I've been having a completely terrible month.  I guess my last post kind of made that known.  What's gone wrong?  Where should I start?  It's gone from minor to major.  It started with bad service at one of my favourite restaurants (yes, that's obviously minor.)  Then there was a confrontation with a co-worker.  And by confrontation, I mean she became a complete tyrant who refused to listen to reason or accept any responsibility for a problem within her department.  Then I got food poisoning from my other favourite restaurant.  The same afternoon I was home sick with the food poisoning, my babysitter told me she's planning to return to work in January, so I'll need to find a new sitter for BB for my last two months of work.  (Does anyone remember the hard time I had finding someone I trusted him with in the first place?)  Then the following week, DH went away on a trip.  While he was away, I ended up with a flat tire on the van, and then when I went to meet BB's new babysitter, I lost the front tire in her ditch while I was backing out of her driveway. 


All of that was crappy to say the least.


But then DH came back from his trip.  I was so relieved he was home safe and sound.  For some reason, I had a terrible feeling about this trip.  I was constantly expecting an RCMP officer to come to my door to say that he had been in an accident while on the road.  The past week was a good one.  He was home; I thought we were all happy.  I had a  wonderful appointment with my OB last Wednesday that gave me some much needed closure on things I've been thinking about my labour with BB.  (On a side note, it would be so ideal if it were possible to have a "debriefing" appointment with your OB a few months after delivery.  Seriously, I got a lot of closure at this appointment last week.)  The three of us had what I thought was an amazing day on Saturday.  A family trip to the grocery store, lots of time together, BB was happy playing with DH while I made us all a yummy supper (a rare event in our house.) 


And then BB went to bed.  And DH broke up with me.  Turned out the terrible feeling I had about his trip was bang-on.  He used his time away to do some serious thinking.


How can things seem so perfect and not be?  Why did I have no inclination that this was coming?  Why doesn't he love me anymore? 


He and I are grieving through this together.  He's still my best friend and says I'm his.  We hold each other and cry.  We cry for each other.  We cry for BB and BN2.  We cry for ourselves. 


This is not your typical break up. 


This sort of stuff doesn't happen to us.  It doesn't happen to me.  Now I'll be a single mom to two kids under the age of two. 


I truly don't believe he's going to abandon us any more than he already has.  I believe him when he promises that he wants to be there for the kids and wants to provide for them.  But I also believed that he loved me.  But then, I think he also believed it too. 


I go from sobbing to hoping for a good future for my children and myself.  I occasionally feel resentment towards DH for putting us through this.  But generally, I feel sad for him.  For all of us. 


I'm so worried about BN2.  Hopefully she's strong and survives this period of stress.  Her movements have become much stronger lately.  A few days ago I wanted to eat all of the food in the world; now I'm forcing myself to eat for her sake.  Sleep isn't coming easily right now.  But there's only been two nights of sleep since it happened.  Perhaps tonight will be a bit better. 


I'm relieved that it is me that he no longer loves, and that none of this has anything to do with his feelings towards BB.  I'm happy that BB has two parents who love him more than anything in the world.  I'm happy that BB has two parents who are determined to ensure he has the best upbringing possible, even though we are no longer together. 


My image of our perfect future is shattered.  My heart is broken for all of us. 

Saturday, November 14, 2009

On the Edge

I feel like I'm spiraling out of control. Bad things seem to keep happening, one right after another. Nothing terrible, but I find them all to be so incredibly upsetting, and one on top of the other makes it even worse. I'm now sitting on the edge of my seat waiting for the next thing to happen. Waiting for the next round of tears.

Those closest to me don't seem to get how I'm feeling. I get the feeling that everyone is just thinking, "Suck it up. Roll with the punches." Maybe they are just chalking it up to pregnancy hormones. Maybe it's just that they don't know how to reach out... Or how to reach me. Maybe I'm in even deeper than I realize.

I'm sinking. Again. And it's only November. It's going to be a long winter.

And now that I have that off my chest, I'm going to cuddle with some puppies and try to put that brave face back on.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Baby and Miscellaneous

I thought life couldn't get any more hectic, but it seems to have happened!  I'm not really sure where the time is going, but as of today, I'm 20 weeks pregnant!  We're half way there!  It's a bit scary actually… the first 20 weeks have gone by so quickly and there's still a lot to be done before BN2 arrives!


Things have been so busy lately that I haven't even been reading my favourite blogs.  I sat down last night and quickly made my way through the majority of them.  I've been feeling so out of the loop …and so slack in keeping up with my own.  I had hoped to document much of my pregnancy in my blog, but it obviously hasn't been happening!


We found out last Wednesday that we're having a baby girl!  I had been convinced we were having a girl and wasn't overly excited about it.  I figured a boy would be more convenient since we already have tonnes of boy clothes and a boy would make the whole sharing a bedroom situation a lot simpler!  However, when the ultrasound technician told us that we're having a girl I was so excited that I started to cry!  Things feel complete now.  I was a bit worried that if we were having another boy I'd get the baby urge again in another year, in hopes of having a girl.  Hopefully having a girl this time will keep me happy so that I don't have to put DH through that decision making process again.  Don't get me wrong, I'd have a houseful of kids if he was on board, but that's the problem… Since he initially didn't want any, both times when we've talked about having a baby the final decision has ended up being his to say yea or nay. 


I am currently waiting for the results of my MSS.  I had the blood test two weeks ago yesterday, and was told at my last prenatal appointment three days after that the results would be in within a few days.  I forget the timelines from my last pregnancy, but when I called the office yesterday to check in (to ensure I haven't slipped through the cracks again) the receptionist said that they hadn't received anything yet, but that blood work is sent to the IWK in Halifax and the results then have to come back to their office from there.  So we're playing the waiting game right now.  My doctor told me I was likely to have a positive result again this time.  My plan had been to definitely take the risk of the amniocentesis so that my mind can rest easy for the remainder of the pregnancy, but surprisingly, DH doesn't think the risk is worth it.  (That one was a shocker to me!)  So, this has been added to my list of things that we need to sit down and discuss.  That list is growing quickly!  But whenever we do have a moment or two together, the last thing I feel like doing is having a big serious discussion! 


Last week I had a lot of leg pain.  I vividly remember this happening during my pregnancy with BB.  It started in one leg, and lasted a few days.  Then it moved on to the other leg for a few days.  And then it was gone and didn't come back.  The duration of the second leg wasn't nearly as long as the first leg this time, thankfully!  It's hard to chase after a toddler when you want to cry because you're in so much pain! 


I had my H1N1 vaccination on Friday at a prenatal clinic and then took BB to the priority clinic on Sunday.  I've spent a lot of time waiting in line lately!  Luckily both times I was lucky to be in line with some great people.  They were all strangers, but chatting with them definitely helped to pass the time!