Sunday, February 28, 2010


Funny how a phone call can put all the drama to bed. Definitely am NOT interested in anything with the army guy. He might be nice enough, but has a bit too much resentfulness towards his ex and is definitely NOT for me. I think his energy would bring me down.

54 minutes on the phone solves THAT dilemma! :)

Handsome is coming over tomorrow night. Yay!


I said that I wasn't going to post personal stuff for a while, but it's so hard. I know my friends have to be tired of hearing me talk about this stuff. I need an outlet, I need my blog!

Today is the last day of February. This morning I am finding myself reflecting on the past month. It has had its ups and downs for sure. The month began with my newest love interest breaking my heart, but it turns out that he hasn't left my life. In fact, he's still a very big part of my life. If it weren't for the fact that I know we're not together, I'd almost be able to convince myself that we still are. My friends think he's playing games with me. I see it, but I'm choosing to let it happen. I don't want to walk away. He's still giving me so much and I'm greedily gobbling it all up. Yes, I'm probably going to get hurt again, but that's a chance I'm willing to take to still have him be a part of my life.

All of that being said, yes, I am still swimming in the pond. I was supposed to meet someone today, but it felt icky. I think it's due to two reasons. The first one is that he seems too much like the previous two guys I've been in long-term relationships with. The second one is the matter I mentioned above. I like to think that if I meet someone who has several of the qualities on my list of things I'm looking for, that I'd feel better about meeting them. But I'm so hung up on the other guy, that perhaps I wouldn't. I can't tell.

As February closes I am finding myself at a crossroads. The last few days I've been chatting with someone who does have several qualities from "the list." He can write a real message and has contacted me often this weekend. Very nice. However, he's in the military. I have no issue whatsoever with army guys. Yes, some give the others a bad rep, but I don't believe in painting everyone with the same brush. What does make me pause is the fact that he will most likely be posted elsewhere at some point in the future. I am not leaving the area. Do I want to open myself up to this person knowing that it won't work out? Yes, I know it's premature to think about that sort of thing, but I do. I am a future thinker, for sure. I was discussing this issue last night with the guy discussed in paragraph 2 (I really need to give him a name to make this easier. Let's call him "Handsome" for now. OMG, that sounds cheesy!) As I said to him last night, "Yes, I need to do what is best for me, but there are a lot of other people's lives to take into consideration when considering a new relationship." There's my family - they've done so much to help me, it wouldn't be fair to up and leave them. There's the children - I feel that they deserve to grow up surrounded by their family that loves them. There's even XH - moving would make his time with the children much more difficult and infrequent. And to be honest, I really don't want to leave my safety net. Every time I've left this city, bad things happen. I think that I'm meant to be here.

And again, it all boils down to the fact that I'd rather be with Handsome than anyone else. How did he get under my skin like this? Why am I even looking for someone else? I think I'm hoping that another Handsome will come along and sweep me off my feet the way the first one did. No one else truly measures up though. I know the smart thing to do right now would be to stop holding out my heart to him, waiting for him to take it. Put it back in my chest and let it wait in there for BN2 to arrive in four weeks, and use it to love her when she arrives. But there's so much that I have to give. Enough for both of them, and BB too. Perhaps when BN2 arrives it will change my focus. I remember the effect the hormones had on me last time. Suddenly nothing else mattered but my little family. Maybe all of this guy drama will fade into the background. One thing that I do know for certain is that regardless of what happens relationship-wise with Handsome, I very much would still like to be his friend, and I hope that in spite of everything we'll manage to keep that friendship.

Monday, February 15, 2010

I miss you

Hello blog. I miss you. I moved all of your old posts to the private blog the other day. I miss knowing that I can express my thoughts here anytime I want to release them without directing them at any one person. However, until prying eyes can't hurt me, it's best that I keep my thoughts and my personal life as private things.

I will say that I am missing being loved. It's so hard to stand back and love someone and know that while they like and care for you they don't love you. For now I will wait and hope that time has a way of making things right again. xo to you my love.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Alone again

I had a hard time showering tonight. I could smell his cologne in my hair and hated to wash away the scent. When I returned to the living room after showering I was warmed and heartbroken to be greeted with the familiar scent.

Why do I fall in love with the wrong people? Why does my heart have to be in a constant broken state? I was so happy with him, and the weird thing is, he was happy with me too, but knows that he doesn't want to be tied down to someone with a newborn and a small child right now. Do I regret meeting him? No. He's given me so much. What we had was amazing, even if it only lasted for a little over a month. My heart hurts so much right now. I'm going to bed and hopefully I'll find the strength to continue on tomorrow, because tonight, I'm not so certain I'll have it.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Dear Neglected Blog...

I slowly hand over my heart, broken piece by broken piece. Hoping he'll be careful with it. Hoping he'll gently hold the bits while I try to piece it all together again. Maybe I shouldn't expect that from him... perhaps he'll just toss all the pieces on the floor. My head screams caution, but my emotions have always won out, continue to win out, and will continue to do so in the future. Trusting isn't easy for me anymore, but yet I continue to try, feeling like I'm constantly exposing myself, leaving myself open for rejection. Why? Because my heart soars when he doesn't reject me... when the phone rings, when he arrives at my door, when he holds me in his strong arms, when he caresses my very pregnant belly.

But when a day goes by and I don't hear from him, I feel like I'm freefalling again. I shouldn't be so dependant on the feelings of happiness I get when I'm around him. I should be focusing on BB and BN2. I know that. But there's a big selfish part of me that also needs to focus on me right now, and I NEED to feel something other than sadness and hurt.

I worry that I'm one of those people who can't be alone, someone who always needs to be in a relationship. I guess as long as I'm not dragging these people in and out of my children's lives, it's only me that has to suffer the consequences. So far BB hasn't met him. It works out well that BB is so young and goes to bed so early in the evening.

I know it's only been four weeks but at this point I feel like I'd like him to be a part of my life for a long while. I understand that things can change on a dime though. I've had it happen to me. And I don't know where his head is at. He's the one that keeps reeling me in, reminding me that I'm just getting out of a ten year relationship, that I should be taking things one day at a time. But I don't feel like he's a rebound. I feel too deeply for him for this relationship to be of that nature.

Today I am freefalling. XH moved his stuff out of my basement yesterday. I'm glad to be rid of it, but the mess that has been left behind is awful. My house reminds me of myself right now. I'm trying to get it organized, putting things where they belong, renovating where possible, getting rid of the stuff that doesn't belong, dealing with the mess that is left behind. I question how involved he is going to be with the children. He is already planning on going a week a half without seeing BB... this after saying he wanted to see BB at least 2-3 times a week. And then last night he started questioning whether he will even bond with BN2 and seems to be considering not being a part of her life. My heart breaks for my children. On top of the XH stuff, I didn't hear from "him" last night... we spent the weekend away together, so a night of not hearing from him when he's out of town on business shouldn't be the end of the world. But it's all compounded into me feeling like I'm skydiving without a parachute, and I am so incredibly scared of heights.