Sometimes a girl just needs her blog

I keep saying that I need to get back to this, but I never seem to make it happen. Life is busy. Part of it is the glorified busy. So much time wasted on FB (I am becoming more and more aware of that), too much time spent buzzed on a glass of wine that completely depletes my motivation to do anything but sit down and snuggle with hubby & the kids. Then there's the endless errands, running the kids to all of their activities and playdates, making meals, folding laundry.... it never ends...

...until it does, I guess.

Today, someone I care for very much lost her battle with cancer, and I feel I have no where to turn but here. Not so much to talk about my relationship with her, but because I need to share BG's response about her death. It needs to be recorded somewhere as a part of her history.

Anyone who was following along on this blog back in the day would still think of BG as a baby. Today she is four and three quarters. Full of piss and vinegar. A comedienne. Wild. Empathetic beyond belief. Loving. So very, very loving. She is attached to everyone she knows.

Recently my sweet BG has been obsessed with death. Making references to when daddy dies when she is a grown up. Telling me she's happy I'm not dead. Talking about Kitty's death a year ago and how much she misses him (although her only couple of interactions with him resulted in scratches!), etc.

Today her beloved paternal grandmother passed away. I received the news via text message from XH just as I was pulling into the driveway after picking up the kids from playdates. I brought them inside and told them of their grandmother's passing. BB just snuggled me. He is an internalizer. BG started to whimper, said she was so sad that she would never see her again, then wandered over to her new keyboard and started making music. I tried to talk to BB about it some more since BG wasn't interested, but it was pretty much a one-sided conversation, so I let it go, thinking they weren't overly affected.

Then bedtime happened. I spent over 45 minutes consoling a broken-hearted four year old. She made so many amazing statements... I had no idea she had such a firm grasp on life and death.

She wanted to know if Grammy knew she was dying. And I explained that yes, she did, but she didn't want the kids to know so they wouldn't worry about her. (I disagreed with this, but I was trying to respect her wishes. After tonight, I completely regret this and wish I had followed my gut.) BG became very angry that no one told her Grammy was dying. She is angry that she didn't get to say goodbye. She is heartbroken that she will never see her Grammy again because her Grammy was "always so very nice to me." She repeated those words over and over again. She cried because, "I already have to work hard to remember her." She asked to look at pictures of her, so we brought up her Grammy's FB account on my phone, and went through all of the pictures we had tagged her in over the past six years. She asked me if I could send all of those pictures to her iPod so that she could look at them whenever she wanted to, so that she could remember Grammy.

She talked about spending Christmas with Grammy. I asked if she got any snuggles or hugs from Grammy. She said just one. (I am sure there were others.) I asked when she received that hug. "It was right after I opened my Lala Loopsie dolls. Er, no, it was right after I opened my clothes. I was so excited and I told her, 'You are the best grammy in the whole wide world.' and she hugged me." Then she started talking about Christmas dinner, and how her uncle and his friend prepared dinner, and how delicious it was. Then the tears started again, because she couldn't remember whether Grammy ate any of the dinner. That was the point where she realized that memories fade and she was already working hard to remember. That we all forget things... those memories we treasure so much.

I talked to her about remembering the feeling she had when she was with her Grammy. About how much Grammy loved her, and how much she loves her in return. We talked about how love lasts forever, whether the person is still with us physically or not.

This was the first time that she has ever cried so hard and so long that she wasn't able to stop crying. "I can't stop crying mom. I just keep crying and crying."

It all seems so heavy for a four year old.

Tonight I am grieving for the loss of a beautiful life... someone who has done so much to help me out in my own life. And I am grieving even more for my daughter's broken heart. I hope that we are able to help her find peace, and help her keep her sweet Grammy's memory alive for the rest of her life.

Don't Judge

When I am sharing my deepest thoughts and emotions with you, don't judge. The thoughts may be dark, yes. But your judgement almost guarantees that it will be a long time before I share again.

Still Alive...

Hi. I'm still here... Craving being here more. Wondering if maybe so much has changed that I should be writing privately... or even starting a new blog. All my blog links appear to never receive updates anymore. And I'm not sure if I'm still the same person I was when I stopped writing. I have gone from being so certain about who I am to wondering where I fit into the world again. But I like continuity... and not leaving pieces of myself all of the Internet.
Apparently some things never change... I am still musing "out loud"... :)
If anyone is still reading the drivel, let me know. xo

P.S. I just added the few blog posts I made in what was my new blog to this one... continuity.

Almost, but not quite...

A FB/blogging friend posted this as her FB profile pic the other day accompanied by a comment saying that this is how she feels about FB lately.

It made me question myself and the stuff I put on FB. Sifting through my timeline, it certainly does look like everything is roses and butterflies. My life is pretty fricking awesome, but not constantly. There are fights, sickness, friendships that suck at times, meddling family members, etc. etc. I really could go on and on. But really, that stuff is NOT what I'm going to share with everyone on the site. There's so much that just isn't meant for FB. At least, not in my world anyway. Heck, there's so much that I can't even put in my blog anymore.

Yes, my life is awesome. But not perfect. I'd rather my public face be a smiling one. I've been having more than my fair share of pity parties lately... some warranted, some not so much, but once I start running with them, it's hard to snap out of it. At least by showing the FB world my smiling face, it forces me to look for the positive... and there is a lot of it. Sometimes I just need to remind myself that it does exist... :)

Proud Mama

Convo with BB in the car tonight...

Me: What letter does "movie store" start with?

BB: I don't know.

Me: Mmmovie store.

BB: Mooshie toh tarts with M!!

This blew me away. We also taught him to properly say "movie" during this convo. A very impressive night. :)

Here I am again...

So the old blog has been hidden... MB picked up my iPad over the holidays and started reading one of my open tabs. He didn't like what he read. I tucked it away out of respect for him. It hurts to have abandoned it. But I'll do whatever it takes to make this relationship work.

I highly doubt this new blog will be a suitable replacement for me, emotionally, but I need SOMETHING. I just need to try to not share anything about him or his boy. Not easy for me, since they are a huge part of my life.

To try put a positive spin on this, I have a new life now... a new blog seems appropriate... although I think my story is far more interesting when the past five years are in the same place. I feel like I'm a survivor... but now my story is tucked away.

New Year, New Bio...

MB discovered my blog on my iPad on Jan. 1 and started reading... I have nothing to hide (obviously) but it did leave me feeling a little self conscious.

The only thing he really said was that my bio was out of date. "You're not single." Right. OLD bio... not updated since BG was born. So, it's updated now. As usual, I don't think I really care for my wording, and it doesn't really "capture" all of me, but again, as usual, I'm on a time crunch.

Tonight's bedtime convo

Me: What made you happy today?
BB: My puzzles made me happy.
Me: Did anything make you feel sad today?
BB: Nothing made me feel sad.
Me: Did anything make you feel angry today?
BB. Nothing made me feel angry.
Me: What made you excited today?
BB: My cousins made me excited!
Me: Awww. What made you feel loved today?
BB: You made me feel loved.

BB=3yrs+7mos