I'm doing something right!

BB has a stuffed animal that he is very attached to. This sheep goes everywhere with him. S gave it to BG for Easter, but BB claimed it as his own. He changes the sheep's diaper. He shares his food, milk, and water with the sheep. And the best part? He nurses the sheep. As I sit nursing BG, he lifts up his shirt and nurses his stuffed animal. I'm proud of him for learning the natural way for a baby to eat, and proud of myself for setting the proper example for him.

Life is good.

Damn!

Yeah, he's hot. :)

And nice. He found a profile that belongs to a woman who lives near me and is also a single mom looking for friends, and contacted her in the interest of hooking us up.

I had to listen to a rather amusing conversation today about people getting together with others who are either significantly older or younger than they are. I sat there shaking my head, wondering what they'd say if they knew I was in communication with someone who is 15ish years older than I am. Oh well, it would give them something to talk about.

Hoping for friendship potential here at least... I usually enjoy the company of male friends over that of female friends (with a few obvious exceptions.) Less cattiness, less need to impress, etc.

More stray thoughts

- BG is three months old today! I swear she said "Dad" tonight while I was getting her ready for her bath. I emailed XH to share that with him. Hopefully he found it as amusing as I did.

- BB fell off the couch twice today - head first each time. Poor guy.

- After six months of annoyance, the sink in my bathroom is finally unclogged. My dad is great.

- Another thing my dad is great at? Yard work. I had no idea this place could look so good.

- The Bell's Palsy continues to improve. A week ago I would have said that it had been a while since I noticed any improvement, but I believe I've observed a slight change over this past week. I've also noticed at night that I can feel the muscles on the right side of my face twitching a bit again, similar to how they twitched when it first started to heal. My right eye is still more open than my left eye, and when I smile, I still think it looks like I'm baring my teeth with the right side of my mouth than actually smiling. Also, that side of my face still hurts if I press on it. TMG told me tonight that I shouldn't press on it then. Great advice! But I notice it most when I hug anyone - that side of my face always seems to get smooshed against them.

- Still on the vanity front, I'm getting my braces on August 12. I'm scared and excited. I need to have three or four teeth pulled at some point. Trips to the dentist's office fill me with anxiety. It's a huge financial commitment. Hopefully nothing bad happens at work for at least the next two and a half years!

- I'm losing interest in Mr. Adorable. The pond seems to create a fickleness in me that I rarely experience in real life. Maybe he's too enthusiastic. Maybe it's the spelling and grammar. Maybe it's that I find The Older Man I've been talking to for a few days longer to be far more interesting. I'm not even sure if I'm interested in The Older Man in *that* way, but in general I enjoy talking with him more, so he's overshadowing Mr. Adorable. And since he's a writer, spelling and grammar aren't an issue! I'm interested in finding out more of his story. I'm so out of his league though. But whatever, if nothing else, I've made a few friends from the pond... so perhaps he'll fall into that category as well.

- Speaking of which, I chatted with H for a bit tonight on MSN. More of the same with him. I only really felt bored with our chat. He claims he's happy. I'm glad for him. It's good that he's keeping in touch, but it annoys me that it's most likely behind his girlfriend's back.

- There is a wonderful passage in Little Women about Laurie getting over his love for Jo. I keep meaning to post it here. It reminded me of how I managed to let go of those incredibly intense feelings for H.

- I love fresh strawberries. I can't get enough of them. I have to compete with BB for them though. He can plow through a box of berries in very little time!

Time for sleep. Another busy day tomorrow.

Mmmmmuffins!

Today BB and I made a huge batch of lemon poppyseed muffins. Four dozen to be exact. When we arrived at the eggs on the recipe, I said to BB, "We need eight eggs! Eight eggs! Do you realize how many eggs that is?!" He looked at me, held up one finger and said, "Two!"

Mr. Adorable :)

I generally look for someone who has the whole package when choosing to correspond with a guy online. You know, looks, decent writing skills, etc. There's a guy whose picture I've admired for a long time in the pond, but I never worked up the nerve to message him because I didn't want to risk the rejection (I think I've mentioned before that I rarely initiate contact. The two small kids thing causes most people to say, "Thanks, but no thanks!" And that stings. It's good of them to be honest, but it still stings. I'm too sensitive.) Out of the blue the other day he messaged me! I nearly fell out of my chair! We've been exchanging messages regularly and he is completely killing the English language, but it really doesn't matter because he's so damn pretty, and as a bonus he's quite funny. Before I know it I'll be picking up his bad habits and writing about taking BB "too" the doctor or going "too" the store! ;o) He seems like an absolute sweetheart, so I'm okay with it. Maybe I need to stop being such a judgmental bitch? :) I'm proceeding with caution though. I remember the last "absolute sweetheart" I met back in January... we all know how that ended.

Like so many of these things, it will probably go no where. But for now, I'm excited that the adorable guy actually likes me back! :)

Saturday night musings

It was a beautiful sunshiny day in The Settlement today! I managed to wash and hang out three loads of laundry--one of them being a load of diapers. The sunshine is a wonderful stain remover.

XH popped out to visit with the kiddos this afternoon. I hate to admit it but I'm feeling a bit resentful of his freedom. I know that I was the one that pushed for children, but he did agree to them... and I never thought that I'd be doing this on my own when we went ahead with it all. This will pass. Before I know it I'll be upset that they're no longer babies who need their mama, right?

For the first time in a while I felt quite attractive today - almost sexy, even. And it was completely wasted as the only person (besides the kiddos) that I saw today was XH. *sigh*

I need to either start cutting back on what I'm eating or find the time to start exercising again. I miss running so much, but by the time the kiddos are settled down, I'm out of energy and am ready to crash as well. BG's evenings are becoming a bit less cranky, so perhaps if she continues to improve I'll be able to come to some sort of a compromise with her. ;o) I don't like what I'm seeing in the mirror right now. My weight isn't doing badly, but I'm soft and not toned. My tummy seems to have a new layer of fat on it. That all needs to change. I gave all my old "fat" clothes from four years ago (where does the time go?!) to charity shortly after BG was born, and I refuse to buy more.

S gave N and I gift cards for a local spa at Christmas. We're going to try to book appointments together for pedicures some Saturday morning. It's such a hassle to arrange for someone to watch the wee ones - especially if I'm going to leave BG behind. The only people I trust her with right now is my mother and XH. I don't like to use my opportunities to get out for frivolous things like this, but I think it might be a good idea. A bit of pampering might do me good.

Oh H...

Chatting with H on MSN... first time we've talked in almost two weeks.

I just laughed out loud for the first time today.

He did find The Diddler thing funny... and creepy.

I guess I really do still miss him.

Effword.

They say that absence makes the heart grow fungus

Ah... a random BNL line to start off a random blog post. :) I do love that line though.

You know my life is pretty non-dramatic at the moment when my biggest complaint of the day is that we're stuck here waiting for the septic people to show up and empty our tank. Maybe I need a bit of drama... Not crazy H-style drama, just a bit of everyday drama. Or maybe the word I'm looking for here is excitement.

I did almost email H yesterday--that could have caused some drama. "The Diddler" has suddenly reappeared in the pond and added me as a favourite. Definitely creepy. He hasn't messaged me or anything... hopefully he doesn't. That dude was an odd duck. I figured H would find it amusing, but considering how odd he acts now, perhaps the new H would only find some sort of paranoia in the whole thing. *sigh* I miss my buddy... the guy would would laugh his butt off over this with me. It's funny the impact someone I just met in January has had on my life. Perhaps someday I'll look back on our five-ish months of whatever-ship and it will only seem like a blip in time, but it still feels so fresh right now.

Had lots of laughs with N last night. I don't remember the last time I laughed that hard. She made tex-mex burgers for us (Mmmmm...) and she let me drink the neck from her bottle of beer. Okay, so she brought me a beer too, but there was no time to pump yesterday so my beer waits for me in the fridge. Since when do I like dark beers? Have I been so beer-deprived over the past three years that I'd drink anything? Okay, I know that's not true, I still don't want nasty old Mooshead or Alpine!

I made Hello Dolly squares the other night, but didn't have any pecans or walnuts, so I used almonds instead. They turned out okay, but I think I should have chopped the almonds first rather than using them whole. The problem with baking is that I end up eating most of it myself. Perhaps this is reason #40 to find a man - someone to eat some of the baking! Thankfully, XH was willing to take the remainder of his raspberry birthday pie home with him earlier this week!

Hurry up septic people! I don't like waiting! If I wasn't waiting for you, I could take the kids out of a walk and work off some of these squares!

Queen of the Flip-Flop

So, I was thinking today... part of being here includes accepting myself - where I've been, who I've been, etc. As I had mentioned recently, I let someone have access to all of my old blog posts. I started reading some of the old posts out of curiosity--I wondered what it was that this person was reading. It's hard to believe that some of that stuff was written by me! Looking at it now, I seemed so young and naive. Then I look at some of the posts from the past seven months... so much emotion... sadness, bitterness, anger, love...

I most recently hid all of my posts because I had this crazy idea that H might have somehow stumbled across all of *this* and would have been upset with me for sharing anything about him, even if it did all relate to me and my story. Another time I moved it all because I felt that I had to close the chapter on my marriage ending. And so on.

Tonight I moved it all back. It's here. All of it. Even the initial stuff that was never before published on this blog. It's funny to see me flip-flop on whether I'll use people's real names, etc. It's also funny how at various points I wanted to keep my blog happy and positive. I had a rough time doing that on the good days and over the last seven months it's hardly seen any positivity. But I think this blog has served as my life line over the past several months. I sorted out my thoughts here (although the posts don't appear that way! Some are a bit befuddled and crazed sounding) and ultimately I maintained my sanity here.

Perhaps at some point I'll become camera shy again and tuck them all away. I seem to be the Queen of the Flip-Flop. But for now, they're here.

So Disgusting!

T, one of my BFFs, came to visit me today with her two little ones. I made waffles for lunch, since her little guy was disappointed the last time they visited because I made spaghetti instead of my trademark waffles. My maple syrup is in a 2L jug and I wanted to put some into a smaller container that would make it less cumbersome to pour - when pouring from the 2L jug you tend to get far more syrup than you bargained for! I decided that my cream container (from an ancient Tupperware cream & sugar set) would be ideal for holding and pouring the syrup. But when I took it out of the cupboard, it was heavy. I wondered if perhaps I had put sugar in it by mistake at some point. I gave it a little shake and something sloshed inside of it. (Do you see where I'm going with this?) Very carefully I cracked the top open and was hit with the smell of rotten milk. I dumped it down the drain and a huge clump of cheese? yogurt? no idea! sat in the drain. EW! The last time I recall using the cream container was at BB's birthday party almost a month ago.

Yuck.

Dashing dreams

Way back in high school, I decided that I wanted to be a funeral home director. At the time, you had to go away to school in Nova Scotia (Kentville maybe?) and at 18, I wasn't ready to move that far away from home all by myself. There was really no encouragement from my parents, so the dream was pushed aside and I went with my second choice.

I found out today that there is now a correspondence course that I can take to enter this field. To say I was excited is an understatement. Who knows whether or not I'll actually pursue it, but it's definitely interesting to look into, and it's nice to know I have the option now.

I was excitedly telling my mother about this and this is her response: "Well, it's a lot of evenings... weekends. A lot of shift work. You don't want to deal with that." WTF? Thanks for your bloody encouragement. I really should know better than to mention anything that might be the least bit risky to her, because there's no way I'll get any support on it. Sure, if life throws me a curve ball (like last fall) she's all over it, wanting to help, wanting to do all the work to pull me through, wanting to rescue me. But when it comes to going out on a limb because I want to, and because I know that in the long run it would make me happier, it's met with negativity.

Lately I'm having a hard time biting my tongue around her. I'm sure she thinks I'm a complete bitch, but I'm really getting tired of being told what I do and don't want. My response today was, "Yes, it might be, but it would be nice to have a job that I love and am not miserable doing every day. Plus, my current job probably won't be around much longer." It doesn't sound so bad typed out, but trust me, the daggers I was shooting at her made this sound much more bitter, and I know she picked up on it. No apology ensued, just silence. *sigh*

Trying to ignore the whisper

I've said all along that BG is my last baby. I don't like the idea of taking the risk of a future relationship not working out and being left behind with a third child. If I were to meet someone incredibly special and they had a need to have a child, perhaps I would consider it, but like the idea of remarrying, it's definitely something I would not push for.... and that person would have to be pretty darned special for me to even contemplate the thought.

And then today I was putting away laundry and noticed the package for my Bella Band. It says something like, "Ok, you're pregnant." I glanced at those words and my heart soared a bit. I thought, "I am?" (Immaculate conception, anyone?) For a brief moment I was excited at the prospect. I recall it was around this point in BB's young life that I started trying to ignore the twinges for another baby. Is this what being female is all about? Always wanting just one more baby? Because after those twinges started, I began to think about how much pregnancy agrees with me, how easy childbirth was this time around, how much I enjoy being a mom, how if I can do it on my own this time, I could definitely manage a third if I actually had a significant other to help.

These thoughts need to go away. I need to go back to being rational and negative.

I've gotta ask...

Now that I'm here, what the heck am I supposed to do with myself?

Because this is easier than actually thinking...

1. What time did you get up this morning?

I woke up at 08:00. I didn't actually get up until 10:00

2. How do you like your steak?

Medium, thanks. Cooked enough so the centre isn't cold and the rest of my food isn't floating in blood. Is that too much to ask?

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema?

Percy Jackson & The Olympians... with H in February. Yeah, I don't go to many movies.

4. What is your favorite TV show?

Friends or Star Trek

5. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be?

Fredericton.

6. What did you have for breakfast?

This is embarrassing... today I had some dark chocolate and coffee. I tend to eat poorly on the weekends that BB is away... In my defense, I *did* have a spinach and feta wrap for lunch though.

7. What is your favorite cuisine?

Indian

8. What foods do you dislike?

Asparagus. I tried. I really did. Oh, and shrimp because it makes me really ill. And mango and I aren't friends... I'm not a fan of the swollen lips and tongue.

9. Favorite Place to Eat?

Oh gosh... where to start? Chez Riz, McGinnis Landing, Cora's, Isaac's Way, Relish (hmmm... I'm noticing a downtown theme here.) Oh, and my own kitchen, of course - especially on Tuesday nights.

10. Favorite dressing?

I'm not sure if I have a favourite... I get tired of dressings easily.

11.What kind of vehicle do you drive?

One with four wheels and a hole chewed in the roof... (Love you, Horsie!)

12. What are your favorite clothes?

Hmmm... I love my grey hoodie, jeans, and cargo pants. But lately I've been loving any opportunity to dress up now that my work clothes are just sitting in my closet. Yes... I even dressed up to go to the orthodontist last week.

13. Where would you visit if you had the chance?

Somewhere south and hot. I'm thinking a resort where I can lay on a beach and put my feet up while not worrying about a damn thing. Maybe I'd want adventure another time, but not this trip. I'm sooo going to do this soon. Okay, maybe the braces are going to slow down this goal, but it is going to happen! Oh yes, it is.

14. Cup 1/2 empty or 1/2 full?

Lately it's been 1/2 full.

15. Where would you want to retire?

Fredericton. It's my happy place.

16. Favorite time of day?

Depends on the day and my mood.

17. Where were you born?

Fredericton

18. What is your favorite sport to watch?

Flyball. :)

19. What does your last text say?

Ugh, this is a long one... "I am going to be about 5 min late there is an accident on brookside dr"

20. What does your second to last text say?

"Don't leave!" ...sent from across the room. :)

21. Your third to last text?

Seriously? This is getting old... "Hey cute stuff"

22. Bird watcher?

No, ornithology isn't my thing. I sometimes feel a bit out of place with S & N since they're both avid bird watchers.

23. Are you a morning person or a night person?

It depends on the day and the level of caffeine in my system.

24. Pets?

At this point, three dogs remain and one very sick kitty. It's been a rough year animal-wise. None of my pets live with me anymore though. :(

25. Any new and exciting news that you'd like to share?

I recently found out that The Trews and Big Sugar are playing at Harvest this September. Must. Get. Tickets.

26. What is your best childhood memory?

Ummm.... I'm not sure how to select the best. Maybe walks in the woods with my dad? Playing library or lotto booth (lol) with my brother?

27. Siblings?

One brother.

28. Are you a cat or dog person?

I like both, but I tend to favour dogs these days.

29. Are you married?

Technically, I guess so. Really? Nope. Actually, we should be signing the "official" separation agreement any day now.

30. Always wear your seat belt?

Always always always.

31. Been in a car accident?

One when I was a kid, and then I was the cause of a small one the first winter I was driving. Stupid ice and stupid sharp turn into my apartment's driveway.

32. Any pet peeves?

So many. Where to start?

33. Favorite pizza topping?

Can I pick two? Fresh mushrooms. Cheese. Lots of cheese.

34. Favorite Flower?

Lilacs

35. Favorite ice cream?

I have to pick just one flavour? I'll often get mint chip & fudge if I'm getting an ice cream cone from a store. At home I often buy heavenly hash. Lately I've been picking up frozen yogurt though... so much less fat. I've been digging on a nanaimo bar frozen yogurt recently. Mmmmmm... It's a weird yellow colour though.

36. Favorite fast food restaurant?

Arby's. BK. McD's. It's all so wrong.

37. How many times did you fail your driver's test?

Zero.

38. From whom did you get your last email?

Facebook notifying me that a friend/co-worker had sent me a message.

39. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card?

Ricki's or Reitmans... or the Superstore. I love grocery shopping!

40. Do anything spontaneous lately?

No, lately my life is carefully planned. The person who brought spontaneity into my life is no longer around. (See? He wasn't all bad. I just didn't share much of the good stuff because I didn't want to jinx it. Guess it didn't matter in the end.)

41. Like your job?

Which one? The SAHM job I'm doing right now? It's not bad. I have my moments. I love being with my kids and am very fortunate to be able to take the entire year with them, but knowing that I'm the only one here for them most days wears me down easily.

42. Broccoli?

I like it lightly cooked. I typically don't enjoy it raw and Over cooked = disgusting

43. What was your favorite vacation?

Perhaps the summer after XH and I were married? We went to SJ and Moncton... I've never really gone on any "real" vacations.

44. Last person you went out to dinner with?

H and his kids. Oh wait, that was breakfast. That must count though, right? Because I can't remember who I last went out to "dinner" with. Most likely H though, but I'd be going back a while for that one. ...say McGinnis in February?

45. What are you listening to right now?

The hum of my Netbook and BG's breathing.

46. What is your favorite color?

Really, there isn't one. But for the sake of simplicity, I'll say black.

47. How many tattoos do you have?

One, comprised of multiple smaller parts. :) ...for now.

48. What are you wearing?

My chicks in love jammies.

49. What time did you finish this quiz?

22:28

50. Coffee Drinker?

Hells yeah.

Socks

Note to self: Next time you meet a guy (or anyone, for that matter!) for a walk, set your vanity aside and wear socks. Blisters on top of your blisters from earlier this week are NOT fun. But you're realizing that, aren't you? Silly girl.

I'm Finally Here

I'm wondering what today will bring...

One thing I do know - I think this is the time that everyone has been telling me about. I've finally reached the point where I don't feel like I HAVE to be with someone. It's been a long and very needy (almost) seven months. The time has actually gone by quick, but when I think of it in terms of the emotional roller-coaster I've been on, it seems long. So much has happened. So much has changed.

Right now I'm happy. I'm content. I'm okay.

Is it weird that I'm hoping that today brings nothing, just so I can avoid any more drama in my life?

Two nights of silliness in a row

1. What was the last thing you put in your mouth?

Water.

2. Where was your profile picture taken?

On my parents' couch. Not that you can tell from the picture.

3. Can you play Guitar Hero?

I've never tried. I'm guessing I wouldn't be very good at it, considering the fact that I've yet to learn about rhythym.

4. Name someone who made you laugh today?

Hmmm... today has been light on the laugher. Probably K & A when they were here tonight.

5. How late did you stay up last night and why?

I think I was settled in and asleep before 23:30. It's a regular time to be up until with BG, although tonight, it appears that she's down for the count a bit early.

6. If you could move somewhere else, would you?

In the winter it would be nice to be closer to town. But for the moment, I'm content here... I'm so lazy... the idea of moving is scary.

7. Ever been kissed under fireworks?

No. I'm not a huge fan of fireworks. Stupid people take their dogs there. When I see scared dogs at these things, it makes my heart break. They don't understand that they're *just* fireworks.

8. Which of your friends lives closest to you?

N. I can look out a couple of my windows and sort of see her place through the massive amount of trees.

9. Do you believe ex's can be friends?

I'm living proof.

10. How do you feel about Dr Pepper?

I used to like it as a kid. Then I started using Dr. Pepper lipsmackers. The next time I drank Dr. Pepper, I almost puked. It felt like I was drinking my lip gloss! *shudder* I haven't tried it since.

11. When was the last time you cried really hard?

Hmmm... May 8, maybe? I can't even remember now how hard I cried, or if it was just that the dull ache arrived that day... All of that drama is a bit of a blur now.

12. Who took your profile picture?

I did.

13. Who was the last person you took a picture of?

BB. He was snuggled up on the floor on the new quilt his grandmother made for him.

14. Was yesterday better than today?

No, today was fine. Went to the doctor... had more action than I've had in quite some time. Bought my father's bday present. Picked up some pics of the kids that I had printed and bought some frames to put them in. (One more step towards turning my house into a home.) Oh, and I mowed most of my lawn. It felt amazing. Freeing. It's been almost three years since I've done that. I would have liked to have finished it myself, but... two acres isn't small (on top of mowing around all of the woodshed debris that was left in the yard) and my sitter had to leave. And I had Dimitri's for supper. Mmmmm... AND K & A came over. Yeah, today was definitely better than yesterday.

15. Can you live a day without TV?

I live 99% of my days without TV. But don't take away my computer.

16. Are you upset about anything?

No, I'm surprisingly at peace right now.

17. Do you think relationships are ever really worth it?

Hells yeah.

18. Are you a bad influence?

Nope. Not usually.

19. Night out or night in?

Night in. Not that I don't enjoy nights out with the right people.

20. What items could you not go without during the day?

Lip balm. A method of connecting to the Internet.

21. Who was the last person you visited in the hospital?

The last person I know of that was in the hospital was me. Prior to that, it was BB. Does staying with him in the hospital count as visiting?

22. What does the last text message in your inbox say?

No idea since my phone was fried the other night. I could look at my replacement phone's inbox and see what the last message N received was, but somehow that isn't the same.

23. How do you feel about your life right now?

More content than I've been in months. It will pass. Restlessness will return. And then the search will resume.

24. Do you hate anyone?

No. Hate eats at you. There are people I dislike. There are people I choose to not associate with. But I do not hate anyone.

25. If we were to look in your FaceBook inbox, what would we find?

Too many messages waiting for responses. The most recent was from a friend who sent me a link to an article on how to save a drowning cell phone. Unfortunately, her attempt at help arrived too late to save mine.

26. Say you were given a drug test right now, would you pass?

Yep. There's never been a time in my life when I would have failed. Goody goody.

27. Has anyone ever called you perfect before?

I call myself perfect every other day. ;o)

28. What song is stuck in your head?

Four Seconds by BNL (How fantastic is it that Tyler actually sings in this one?!)

29. Someone knocks on your window at 2:00 a.m., who do you want it to be?

Oh, I dare someone to knock on my window. Are they wearing stilts? Even if someone *were* to wear stilts to knock on my window, I have no idea who I'd want it to be. Perferrably someone not creepy, I guess.

30. Wanna have grandkids before you’re 50?

That's not my decision to make. But really, my kiddos would have to be awfully young to be dabbling at reproducing in order to give me grandkids before I'm 50... so probably not the best thing in the world.

31. Name something you have to do tomorrow.

Only one? Okay, wash diapers.

32. Do you think too much or too little?

Probably too much. I'm always replaying conversations over in my head... disecting, looking for hidden meanings, etc.

33. Do you smile a lot?

I do, yes. Even if it is still a bit asymmetrical. *Shakes fist at Bell's Palsy*

I needed something to do tonight...

Before BB's arrival, I used to do these silly Q&As on FB all the time. Now my life is more complicated, and there are so many family members on my friends list... they don't need to know all my personal junk!

Is there someone that you believe you will always be attracted to?

Patrick Stewart. :)

Does anything hurt on your body?

I have a blister on my foot that I'd be happier without. But it's not causing me a tremendous amount of pain. Just a mild annoyance.

Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?

N

Would you forgive a cheater?

I have.

Do you wear your feelings all over your face?

I'm quite certain I do. And if my feelings aren't on my face then take a look at my sleeve and you'll find my heart.

Do you think you'll be married in 5 years?

I'm not certain what the future will hold for me. Perhaps, if the right person were to come along, and they want to be married to me, but I'd never push to go down that road again though.

Where did you last sleep besides your house?

The Hilton in SJ.

Who was the last person you cried in front of?

BB or BG... but that seems obvious since they're constantly with me. Aside from them, maybe H? Not certain.

Where were you at 2:02 this morning?

Asleep in my bed.

Who was the last person besides family that you saw in person?

N.

Honestly, what would you rather be doing right now?

I'm okay with what I'm doing (nursing BG)... waiting for sleep to arrive for the night.

Have you ever been called a bitch?

Oh gosh, yes.

What's your favorite movie?

My favourite since I was six years old has been National Lampoon's Vacation. I recently fell in love with The Shawshank Redemption after watching it with H.

Do you believe everyone has a soul mate?

No. Or at least not just one. I'm sure there's more than one "perfect person" out there for me. Otherwise, how could I possibly have hope of finding that one person in the whole world that is my soul mate? Not gonna happen if that's the case.

Have you ever kissed anyone who's name started with a L?

Not that I'm aware of... there were a few random make out sessions back in my Sweetwaters days though. (How many lifetimes ago was *that*?!)

Who was the last baby you held?

BG

Do you like your life?

I do actually. There are lots of days where I feel like I don't, but overall, I don't have a lot to complain about. I just seem to reach the end of my rope far too frequently at the moment.

Is there a guy that knows everything about you?

H knows just about everything. XH is pretty damn close to that.

What are you most excited about?

Braces in August, as long as my financial calculations work out... hopefully Excel and I will have a bit of quality time this weekend.

Do you like pancakes?

Yes! I make wonderful blueberry oatmeal pancakes. Mmmmm....

Have you told anybody you love them today?

BB and BG.

What are you doing for your next birthday?

I see it's on a Saturday, so most likely something with my family. I'm not sure how I'm feeling about that at the moment.

Do you fall for people easily?

When there is chemistry, I do. Indeed.

How often do you give high fives?

Several times a day. It amuses BB.

Do you like surprises?

Generally, in my world, surprises haven't been positive things.

When is the next time you'll see your closest friend?

I'm not certain who my closest friend even is... there are three of them at the moment... I'll see N anytime, no idea when I'll see T again, but I've been thinking we should try to make a trip to visit her next week sometime, and I'll see XH on Friday.

Are you better at math or art?

Math. Hands down.

What's the last thing you put in your mouth?

My toothbrush.

Do you believe ex's can be just friends?

I'm living proof. I'm the girl that becomes friends with all of her exes it seems.

What do the majority of people in your life call you?

By my name.

Have you ever, in any way, been betrayed by someone you trusted?

Over the past year, repeatedly.

Did you have a good day?

It wasn't the best, no.

Are you mean?

Some people probably think so. I'm honest, and I try to do the right thing.

Dark hair or light hair in the opposite sex?

I'm more likely to be attracted to someone with dark hair. But even better than that is grey hair. Mmmm....

When people say "I don't ever talk about anyone" do you believe it?

Impossible.

Would you ever become a vegetarian?

No. I don't eat a lot of meat, but I do enjoy my meat.

Do you currently have a hickey?

Hells no.

Have you ever had a boy best friend?

Yes.

Are you a morning person or a night?

I've become more of a morning person over the past few years. When I was young, it was all about the nights.

Did you date anyone this summer?

Summer hasn't started yet. But the horizon is looking bleak.

Do you hate being alone?

Hate is a strong word. Sometimes I like being alone.

Are you tanned?

I'm not trying to be, but I've noticed my arms, face, and chest getting darker recently, in spite of my sunblocking efforts.

How many cell phones have you had in your life?

I fried my second cell phone last night when it fell out of my back pocket and into the toilet. :( Boo.

When the tables turn

I'm not sure what's worse... being hurt or hurting someone. They're both incredibly shitty. Proud of myself for doing the right thing, but feeling like a jerkface.

BB's Favourite Song

This has been BB's favourite song for over a year now. Every time he goes near the computer he points at it and says, "Bog!" (well, it used to be "Ba!") demanding that I play this video for him. We even listen to this song during most diaper changes. Surprisingly, I'm not even remotely sick of it (or any of the other songs on this album!)

Sunday Night Randoms

I'm not sure if I've ever done a Sunday night randoms post before...

-XH gave BB a buzz cut last weekend. One week later and I'm still loving it.

-I bought a package of smoked salmon last Saturday night when I ran into town for a few groceries to take my mind off the *ahem* incident. I had intended to pick up some crackers and cream cheese to enjoy it with, but in my distractedness, I completely forgot. It's still sitting in my fridge. I'm hit with the smell of smoked fish every time I open the door.

-Speaking of the incident, I've seen his number on my phone a few times this week but I've been out each time he's called. Oh drat. hehe.

-At 01:25 this morning, I received a text out of the blue from H. I was still up, so I replied, then he asked if he could call. My phone rang before he even received my response. My assumption that he had gotten back together with the ex-girlfriend had been correct, but apparently it didn't work out. So hey, when you get the urge to talk to someone in the middle of the night, why not resort to your Plan B (aka cuddles)? Yeesh. Interesting thing though. When I received his text I started vibrating from head to toe, much the same way I did when I received the FB message earlier in the week. But once I started talking to him I just felt annoyed. Yes, I still care, how could I not? But what he's going through has changed him, and not for the better. I just kept hoping the conversation would soon be over so I could return to what I had been doing. Once again, my anger has gotten me over the hump.

-At 08:19 this morning, guess who called again. Yeah. Needed me to look something up online for him as he was on the road. At least he admitted that time that he was just calling because he needed something. I'm sure eventually I won't be annoyed with him when/if he calls, but at the moment I am.

-Apparently if my cell phone is on vibrate and I miss the call, it will vibrate off of my nightstand and on to the floor. Who knew?!

-I bought an "all natural" toothpaste recently and cracked it open today for the first time. Tonight as I was brushing my teeth, I read the package and it has SLS in it! Had I noticed that, I probably wouldn't have shelled out the extra money for it.

-Twenty more days until my current cell phone contract expires. I can't wait. Bring on the iPhone!

-Two more days until I have the consultation with the orthodontist. I'm keeping my fingers crossed they won't ask for my first born as payment.

-I've been staying up far too late recently, but it's been so damn much fun.

-I was singing The Itsy Bitsy Spider to BG today, and BB ran to the living room, reappeared a moment later, and thrust his Itsy Bitsy Spider book into my face. Ah, thank you dear, now I'll definitely be able to sing the correct words!

-BB was asking for something that sounded like "duct tape" at supper time tonight. I had no idea what he wanted and then he began pointing at the "treat" cupboard and saying it. I asked, "Are you saying chocolate?" Yep, that's what he wanted. He won't attempt to say his own name, but he can say chocolate. That's my boy!

-I'm happy.

Blah

I really dislike coming down off the happy cloud. I've spent so little time up there lately that it felt weird at first... but I had grown to like it. A lot. At the moment I feel like I'm sitting on the ground staring up at the cloud, wondering how the hell I managed to fall off. Stupid words.

Thanks for your concern... but I'm not biting.

One of my dogs passed away very unexpectedly on Tuesday. I had planned to write a post on him, but haven't gotten to it yet. At this point, I probably won't get to it, because if I don't do these things right away, I never do. To say it was all very shocking and upsetting is a definite understatement.

Anyway, on Tuesday, I changed my profile picture on Facebook to a picture of me and Puppy that was taken almost three years ago. Suddenly tonight, I received a message on FB from H asking me if I got a new dog. This was completely out of the blue, since I haven't heard from him in over two weeks. I don't understand how he even saw my picture unless he was searching for me, since I'm not on his friends list after the incident three weeks ago. Anyway, I replied and told him that no, it was an old picture and that Puppy had died this week. He replied back to send his condolences and acknowledge how I must be feeling. At that point, I was left wondering, "Do I reply to say thanks?" The polite side of me felt like I should, but my gut said, "Just leave it be." A moment later I noticed that his profile picture had changed... instead of being a picture of him and his ex (who I can only guess had become his girlfriend again after I was tossed aside... most likely the reason I was tossed aside) it was a picture of only him. Suddenly I had his words running through my head. "When guys find themselves alone, they go back to what they know. They go back to mama." Not sure if that's what might have been going on or not, but I wasn't biting. I sent a quick IM to XH for his advice (yeah, I know, I never thought I'd see the day that he would be giving me that sort of advice!) and he agreed that I should LEAVE IT. *snicker* And that's what I did. I made a choice and I feel good about it.

I don't think I want him in my life like that anymore. He's been in my thoughts less and less over the past couple of weeks. I'd be willing to be his friend but I've been wondering if perhaps he simply can't have a female friend. You know the type?

There *is* something better out there for me. Someone who doesn't crave (and create!) the drama. Someone that I don't always have to be on guard with. Someone who accepts me the way I am. Perhaps it's just around the corner? Maybe. Maybe not. Hopefully...