Monday, July 27, 2009

Abnormal, I am.

I snuck into the conference room this morning to call the doctor's office. You're going to hear a lot of complaints about him over the next several months, so brace yourself. The complaining starts today with his receptionist... the gatekeeper from hell.

Me: "Hi, It's cuddles calling, I'd like to make an appointment with Dr. B."

My voice is all ready quivering because I'm excited about having to make this call, nervous about having to talk to HER, worried that other people will be able to hear my voice through the radiator (yes, it happens in our office.)

Her: "What do you need the appointment for?" (she has her usual "annoyed boredom" tone of voice.)

Me: "I'm pregnant again."

Her: "Well, Dr. B. normally doesn't see pregnant women until they are two months. How far are you?"

I'm beginning to feel rage at this point. Is she discouraging me from making an appointment with my GP?!

Me: "I'm not certain."

Her: "Well, when was your last period?" (I wish I could convey to you the exasperation in her voice!)

Me: "My last period was July 2007, before I became pregnant with BB."

Her: "You haven't had a period since before you became pregnant the last time???"
I think she was about to call me an idiot at this point.

Me: "No, I haven't had one since July 2007."

Her: "Didn't you bleed after he was born, cuddles?"

Okay, seriously, did she just ask me this??? At this point I'm getting really weirded out. And why oh why does she have to use my name when the entire waiting room can hear every word she is saying?! Now everyone there will know that cuddles is pregnant and that she hasn't bled in a VERY LONG TIME.

Me: "Yes, of course I bled after he was born, but I haven't had an actual period since before I became pregnant with BB."

Lady, you're the receptionist. Make the appointment. There is no reason for this interrogation. I realize that I am now using a much louder voice than I had intending on using for this phone call. As if raising my voice is going to help her to understand.

Her: "Well, that's different."

Me: "I just finished breastfeeding BB."

Why do I feel like I owe her an explanation?

Her: "Well, he's going to be out for a while, so I can't book you anything until the end of August."

What drives me crazy is that I have to continue to be polite and friendly towards this grouchy old lady because she can prevent me and BB from getting the medical care we need from our GP. I wish I could find a new doctor, but this is what we seem to be stuck with here in NB. And by the end of next year Dr. B. will be retiring, leaving us even further up the crick sans paddle.

Sunday, July 26, 2009

The One You've All Been Waiting For

Saturday, July 25, 2009 06:25
(Thanks, Emilie for the Dollar Store test idea! I went through five of them before I got this result!)

Saturday, July 25, 2009 06:53
Confirmation that the dollar store test wasn't lying. The instant the pee hit it, the plus sign appeared!

I even did a third test this morning (since my "expensive test" came in a 2-pack) just to make sure yesterday's pee wasn't lying. Same result. Yippee!

I guess we might be due in March, maybe April. I'm going to go for my first doctor's appointment and they're going to ask me when my last period was and I'll have to say July 2007. I'm sure that will get a raised eyebrow! One of my nearest and dearest (who happens to be a doc) was here visiting today; I asked her how things are handled in cases like this where it is impossible to pin down dates. She tells me that they take into consideration your last negative test (July 11) and your first positive test, figure out a date from that, and try to send you for your first ultrasound around 12 weeks to confirm the dates. My guess is that it happened between the two yeast infections. I'm looking forward to seeing if I'm right on that one! Now I need to figure out a way to call the doc's office without all of my coworkers hearing the call.

I guess we weaned BB for nothing since I was already pregnant!

If you're reading this and actually know me, or know someone who knows me, please keep this info under your hat. (BTW, if you're reading this and I don't know you're reading this, let me know! I'd love to hear from you! I've always felt weird delurking on people's blogs, so this is to let you know that you don't have to feel weird about previously lurking around here. Been meaning to mention that for a while!) I'm not actually announcing this to work, family, or anyone other than my BFFs until I have a better idea about dates, etc.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Another Chapter Closed

DH and I have been “trying” for another baby since March. It’s been a bit haphazard while adjusting to being back to work, having a baby who seemed to be sick more than he was healthy for a few months, and trying to clear up this annoying recurring yeast infection. (Too much info? My blog, my truth.)

Since my cycle still hasn’t started, all of our efforts have been fruitless. Because of this, we decided to wean BB during the night at the end of June. This middle of the night weaning was rough the first few nights, but BB quickly got into the new groove, and is now sleeping until almost alarm-clock time about 40-50% of the time now. This is a big improvement – while he was still nursing in the night he was up at least twice most nights. Not a big deal while I could lounge around the house the next day, but after being back to work for a month, I was starting to feel it. On the nights now when BB does wake up, I just pluck him out of his crib (which is still right beside our bed) and plop him into bed between the two of us, and we quickly fall back to sleep snug as bugs in a rug. :) I should note here that my tiredness wasn’t enough to force us to wean as I was making up for it by going to bed super early most nights, but we really wanted to get things rolling with BN2.

Fast forward almost another month later and I still am showing no signs of having a cycle. When we discussed night time weaning, we said we’d give it a month, and if we weren’t getting the results we needed, we’d completely wean. I decided last week that we’d give it until next Friday (July 31, my birthday) but tonight I decided that tonight was the last time. Over the last couple of weeks BB shows his usual initial excitement at the thought of nursing. He grabs my hand and guides me to the bedroom. It’s been so sweet. But then once we get into the bedroom, he starts running around. It’s gotten to the point that I have to grab him while he kicks at me. As soon as he lays down he’s peaceful and happy to nurse, but I feel like there’s too much conflict there now for it to continue to be a positive experience for him. So rather than delaying what is most likely going to happen in a week, I decided tonight as I was being kicked that this would be it. I held him tonight and watched his cute little ears wiggle while he sucked. I admired the curve of his cheek and marvelled at the wonderful latch he’s had since day one.

When (if) BN2 arrives, if BB asks to nurse again, I’ll let him without hesitation. I’ve read lots about tandem nursing, and have no qualms with it. I’m not going to chase him around telling him to latch on, but if he asks, then yes, he will be allowed to. I know I’ve said this a few times lately, but isn’t it funny how much you can change in such a short span of time… I initially said, “I think I’d like to try breastfeeding.” That turned into, “I’d like to breastfeed for at least a few months.” That became six months, then a year. By the time BB arrived and everything was working so well, I wanted him to be able to self-wean. I guess that didn’t get to happen, but sticking with it for over 14 months is beyond what I initially set out to do, and I’m quite proud of the effort both BB and I have put into this. DH has been a wonderful support as well.

Hopefully we’ll be able to give BB the gift of a little brother or sister to help make up for what we’ve taken away from him tonight. That’s how I’m consoling myself. Keep your fingers crossed for us.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

So Grateful for Everything I Have

This morning while I was travelling out of town to Big Brother's head office I heard an interview on the CBC that absolutely broke my heart. They were talking to a man from here in Freddy who is staying at a local hotel with his four and a half month old son. The baby's mother abandoned her baby and the baby's father. (I can't understand how. I can't help but hope that there's a logical explanation, like post-partum depression or something. Not that anyone should have to suffer from that, but the idea of a mother walking out on her baby seems completely unthinkable to me.) The baby's father has quit his job to care for the infant, has lost their apartment because of his lack of money, and is now staying at the hotel on the generosity of local churches and other organizations. They are supposed to move into government assisted at the beginning of August, but he didn't know how he would be able to continue to keep a roof over his baby's head until that time.

As I was listening to this interview, I had tears streaming down my face. And I caught myself yelling at the radio a time or two. At one point the interviewer asked the father if he felt that being with him was really the best place for him to me. I was yelling, "YES!" And I was happy to hear the father firmly state the same thing. The interviewer also asked what the father knows about parenting. What do most of us know about parenting, really? Keep the baby safe, fed, and loved. Beyond that, I just do what comes naturally most of the time. I'm sure this father is doing the same thing. I understand that the interviewer was just doing his job by asking these questions, but they felt so doubtful of this man who is doing everything in his power to take care of his son and keep what is left of his family together. Personally, I think he must be an amazing person. He must be very strong. He must love his son VERY much.

As I listened to the story, I made up my mind that when I got home tonight I would figure out a way to pay for a night at the hotel for them. I felt that I had to do something. This family needs the support of the community right now. But after the story they gave an update. The firefighters at the new fire station in town have generously offered to pay for the hotel room for this family until their new home is ready for them. I love that this story has a happy ending. It may not be a fairy-tale ending, but at least some of the weight has been lifted from the father's shoulders for now.

There's a sweet picture of baby Tobias here.

Motherhood has changed me. I'm a different person than I was a little over 14 months ago. The new me is a better person. Far from perfection, but my heart is bigger and that counts for a lot.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Is This Normal?

I've been noticing for a while now that if BB accidentally bangs his head on something, once he gets over the initial pain and crying, he goes back and purposely does it again while saying, "BA!" (his way of saying 'bang' and several other things, but in this case, he means 'bang'.) What's that about? Then tonight I wouldn't let him push the power button on my computer. In a fit of rage he got down on the kitchen floor and started banging his head against the ceramic tile. This completely blew me away. I wasn't sure how to react to him intentionally hitting himself in the head with a toy, so when he started banging his head into the floor I was completely at a loss. I chose to ignore it, and once he stopped and was just sitting on the floor I got down and sat with him and gave him a hug and some love. I'm thinking that perhaps he's just hurting himself for the attention, since when he does accidentally hurt himself I drop everything to reassure him, be there for him, and give him some love. Handling accidents in this manner is something I'm consciously doing (thanks to Dr. Sears), so maybe he's caught on to that and is just doing it for attention. When he intentionally hits himself in the head with a toy, I normally just ignore that as well. The first couple of times, I acknowledged what he was doing, and it only seemed to encourage him.

Even though the explanation I have come up with seems likely, the worrier in me fears that this is a sign that there is something very wrong with him. Perhaps years from now we'll look back on these incidents and say, "If only we took action right away."

If you're a mom reading this blog, have you encountered something similar with your little ones? If so, I'd love to know how you've handled it.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Second Fiddle

I said I would be happy when this happened.  It would mean that I made the right choice and that he is happy with her.


As soon as BB saw the sitter this morning, he reached for her and made his little crying noise indicating that he wanted out of my arms and into hers.  I can try to console myself by saying that he recognized what was going to happen next and was trying to take the lead on initiating that action, but I know better.  He chose her over me.  And my heart broke a little bit.  Okay, a big bit.  A whole lot. 


She's been a wonderful sitter so far.  We're quite happy with her, and it's very obvious now that BB is equally happy with her.  And that makes me happy.  I wouldn't want him to be miserable while we're at work.  I'm glad that I followed my gut when it came to choosing a care giver.


Hopefully after I've spent a day licking my wounds I'll be better prepared for a similar situation tomorrow morning.

Monday, July 13, 2009

Silly Times

Yesterday I was folding laundry in BB's room while he explored.  He took a bib off of the shelf of his change table and brought it to me.  I fastened it around his neck while he grinned from ear to ear.  As soon as I had it fastened he took off towards the kitchen giggling hysterically.  He ran around the house laughing and laughing.  He seemed to think wearing a bib when he wasn't eating was hilarious. 
After he was done playing with the bib, he wanted to get into the basketful of clean washcloths.  I plunked him in, and we played our "near-far" game (where I slide the basket away and say, "Far!" and then bring it towards me and say, "Near!"  Remember Grover playing this?)  Then I put a washcloth on his head and he giggled, so I pulled a bunch of washcloths out from under him and buried in him.  He thought that was soooooo funny.  So did I. 
Just two of the many reasons why I love my little monkey man.  xo

Saturday, July 4, 2009


I attended a family reunion today for my father's side of the family. I feel like I didn't connect with a soul there and am feeling badly about it. First off, I've never quite felt like I "fit" with that side of the family. For some reason, I've always felt like I've been on the outside looking in. Maybe it's because dad was always criticizing my behaviour and the things I'd say whenever I was around that side of the family, whereas, mom never did that sort of thing when I was with her side. Dad's side is also considerably larger than mom's side, so I've always felt like I have more intimate relationships with the folks on mom's side. All that being said though, I really do like dad's side of the family, but I don't always feel like I belong.

Last summer we had an informal family pot-luck summer party. BB was only three months old at the time, and I was a wreck taking him there all by myself. (DH was away training that day.) It felt like we were constantly hiding in a bedroom and nursing rather than visiting with everyone. And when he wasn't nursing, I was on pins and needles worried that he was going to cry and scream. (For the record, he did neither, except for when he wanted to nurse.) However, looking back, I connected with people far more last year than I did today.

I've accepted that my moods vary from day to day. Some days I'm outgoing and jovial, some days I'm more shy and reserved. Although I've accepted that this is how I am, I wish I could forgive myself for it. Today was one of those days where I was feeling more shy. I didn't feel right approaching a group of people and joining in the conversation. Part of the problem is that the few times I did start to talk to someone, I always seemed to end up leaving the conversation because BB was escaping on me, so I'd have to go chasing after him. (Dude is mobile now!) It's rare that so many family members gather together without someone dying, and I feel like I should have taken advantage of it. I wasted the opportunity.

On the bright side, my cousin brought along a little inflatable pool for her girls and the other kids to play in. Once BB was starting to feel secure in the environment, he had a blast playing with the balls and the toys that went with the pool. He didn't try to climb into the pool, but he was soaked from head to toe. And filthy filthy filthy! Several times he reached into the pool to grab a toy, and basically had his whole upper body in the water. It was hilarious. Today was my first taste of being a mother to a little boy, and that part of my day was so much fun.