Friday, August 29, 2008

Damn dryer!

The dryer died last night after I went to bed. Hubby was drying the 'mediums' (our stuff that isn't dark, but isn't white either) and they didn't dry. He didn't tell me last night, because he didn't want me to not sleep thinking about it, so he told me this morning. Luckily he was able to get a repair man here before noon. Amazing. But I was a bit (okay, very) nervous. You see, I hate strangers coming into my house if I'm home alone. I'm not sure if it has to do with being robbed while I was working in SJ five years ago, or if it is from the 'incident' I suffered through in junior high, or I'm just plain messed up. Then when Hubby called to say that the repair man would be here in half and hour I was even more upset, because I was just about to feed BB. So, I started feeding (actually, I ran downstairs first and tried to do a quick vacuum, but it was pointless... so much dog hair everywhere, and it clogged the damn vacuum) and he arrived halfway through the first side. So I popped BB off and went to the door. The second I laid eyes on this old guy, I knew he was harmless and we'd be okay. However, I was expecting a hissyfit from BB since he didn't get to complete his feeding. He was okay too though! Hurray! He ended up puking what he had managed to eat all over the basement floor, but he didn't complain. The repair man was gone within 30 minutes, and we were left with a $170 bill. Not the end of the world, and less than a new dryer, but still a bit much since we just had to have our satellite for the Internet repaired, and that cost > 500$. :( Hopefully this isn't one of those things that comes in threes.

On another note, since the dryer was broken, and I didn't know when it would be fixed (and this has been the rainiest summer in quite a while, so hanging cloth diapers outside would not be an option) I switched to disposable diapers this morning. I ended up only needing to use two before the dyer was fixed. But on the very first one, BB managed to leak through it and onto his clothes. That doesn't happen with the cloth. I've said this a hundred times, but the cloth diapers are so much better than the disposable!

We have a busy weekend ahead. A friend from work is getting married tomorrow at 6:30, so we're going to his wedding and leaving BB with mom and dad. I'm soooo nervous (see yesterday's post about not trusting anyone to take care of him!) and I'm worried that he's going to cry his head off while we're gone, and then they're going to lie to us when we get home and pretend he was fine so that I won't wait forever before letting them babysit again. That irritates me. I feel like I need to set up a video camera or something to see what is really going on while we're away. Then on Sunday morning, friends from NS are going to mom & dad's, so I have to take BB down to meet them. They were up on the long weekend in May to take their daughter, CH, home to NS for the summer from STU, but BB was only a week or so old then, so mother didn't really push for a visit with them. I'm looking forward to seeing them. I hope that the in-laws don't decide to come down this weekend. This is supposed to be our "family weekend" (i.e. no parents allowed, otherwise we'd have company every bloody weekend), but the in-laws didn't come last weekend, so I'm sure they're going to decide to come this one. Effword. SC and NP have also been trying to make plans for this weekend, but we just seem to keep emailing around the topic and not setting anything definite. I'm hoping that maybe Hubby and I will get to have Monday home alone with BB (it's a long weekend!)

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Change of Heart

I'm feeling paranoid that I'm not going to be completely honest about certain topics if I name names... Like the feelings I'm having towards my in-laws, or other things that I just need to get out. I'm going back and editing everything from last year when I started naming names until now, to remove the names. Sorry. :( I just know what I'm like, and I'd really like to have a space where I can be honest with myself. I started using my facebook page as that outlet, but now my mother, and my mother-in-law, and aunts, etc. are all on there... the open book is no longer an open book. I originally told my mother that she could add me as a friend, but be aware that no holds were barred, and I let it all hang out on there. But now I find myself censoring myself, because I know she's looking. I can't let this happen here.

Almost an entire year has passed...

...since my last post. Wow.

So much has happened. I'm now a mom. I had a wonderful pregnancy. No real problems until my due date when my blood pressure went up and I ended up being induced the following day as my liver was beginning to fail (according to the bloodwork.) On May 15 at 6:07 am, I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy.

Life is very different now, but now that he's almost three and a half months old I'm getting enough sleep (he's slept through the night several times now, but isn't doing it every night), and we seem to have a bit of a routine nailed down. (Thankfully!) The Old Girl and Fluffy are even getting to hang out with us upstairs some during the day! (BB still hasn't met Crazy Bitch or Puppy yet.) Breastfeeding came very naturally for both of us, again, thankfully!, as I was determined that he would be breastfeed exclusively.

It's funny how my outlook on so many things have changed since his arrival. I originally said I wanted to breastfeed for at least six months. Then it became eight months. Then a year (as I learned more and more about the benefits of breastfeeding.) After he arrived, I decided that I'd like to breastfeed for as long as he wants to by letting him initiate the weaning process. I'm okay with nursing a toddler. There are so many benefits. Another thing, is that I had every intention of returning to work. Not so much now. I'm trying to come up with a way to stay home with BB. I do NOT want someone else raising my child. No one will give him the love and affection that I will. And because of that love that I feel for him, I will do everything to give him as many opportunities to learn about his world as possible. At this point, the only option I can really come up with is babysitting other people's kids. I'm not sure how I'm feeling about that idea. It would take away from my time with BB, but he does need socialization as well. I'm definitely keeping that option open. I'm sure I'll write more about that at a later date.

Another interesting thing is that while I was pregnant, my mother-in-law suggested (jokingly) that she might get a trailer and live in our backyard for the summer. At the time, I thought it was a great idea. She could babysit, and I could go off gallivanting during "my year off." Heh. How wrong I was. I hate the idea of leaving my little man with anyone. I'm fiercely protective of him. Fiercely. I never expected this.

I've also become very resentful of people's comments and suggestions. I'm going to raise this little guy the way I feel is best. Don't act surprised when you ask, "Is he taking a soother yet?" and I snap, "No, he doesn't want one, and I don't want him to have one!" I don't enjoy it when people assume that my baby should have a soother. Oh, and by the way, the correct response to my reply is NOT, "I'm sure if you put some sugar-water on one, he'd take it." Didn't I just say that I don't want him to take one? Another question that I'm tired of receiving, "Do you have enough milk?" He's growing isn't he? Another one I hate, "Have you given him any bottles of water?" Why would I? He DRINKS breast-milk. He's properly hydrated. Why would I risk reducing my milk supply by giving him water when his thirst is quenched every time he latches on? Oh, and please don't suggest to me that I might want to supplement with formula at some point. I don't, and I won't. Why would I want to start pumping chemicals into my baby at such an early age. I know it works for other parents, but it's not happening under my roof. The questions and suggestions about the soothers, the water, and the formula make me nervous to leave him with anyone. These sorts of questions and suggestions make me worry that someone looking after him is going to try to slip him a sugar-water coated pacifier or give him a bottle of water. As a result, I feel like I can't trust anyone other than myself and Hubby. Hmmm... perhaps I should have created a new post with my rants? I could go on for a while I think.

Aside from the rant, I really am happy being a mommy. And I'd love to have a second child. But I don't think that's going to be in the cards, considering how close I was to not getting to have this one. So for now, I'm going to enjoy what I have, and enjoy my time with him. But he's growing so fast... I'm afraid I'm going to blink and he'll be all grown up!