Thursday, October 28, 2010

Go figure...

In my last post, I said that I wondered if I'd ever hear from H again. Sure enough, I received an email from him tonight with more detail than the one yesterday morning had.

I replied and gave him a quick update on the goings on in my life. As is the norm lately, he hadn't asked, but I figure that since I keep saying I want to be friends, I can't continue being standoffish, right?

Now that I've sent more than a dozen words, I probably won't hear from him again for a long while.
Oh well, I'm not checking my email every five minutes hoping to hear from him anyway. Now the whole thing is just kind of laughable.

Random Updates

It's been a while since I've randomly splatted stuff from my brain here. Hold on tight!
  • BG woke up sick Monday night. I had a cold by last night. This morning, BB woke up with a runny nose. It's his first illness since his bout with pneumonia in March. Hopefully he fights this off on his own. BG is already showing signs of improvement (isn't breast milk the most wonderful stuff?) so I'm sure BB will be okay in a day or two as well.
  • I've never talked about work issues here much... Big Brother is a rather private company, so I'd never want to risk saying anything that could jeopardize my employment with them. However, I do have something I need to share. Last fall I had an issue with a coworker who was incredibly disrespectful to me. Some might say that she bullied me... if you were the type to throw this term around. This is someone who started working in the office a couple of months before I transferred up to Freddy, so she's been around just as long as I have. Although she was always rather rough around the edges, I always got along with her fine until that day. Anyway, this issue with her was pretty big and it wasn't effectively dealt with. I had a lot of stuff to deal with last fall, and having to deal with the additional problems she was creating for me caused a lot of stress. Recently I've been feeling like I'm finally dealing with all of the stuff that happened last fall. (There's been so much drama between H, the kids, and just life in general that I think I just put everything from fall 2009 on a shelf to pull out and examine at a later date.) The issue with the coworker has been weighing heavily on me, because I knew that I'd have to deal with her again when I returned to work... to the point that I even cried about it last week. Then yesterday I was into the office for a quick visit (that turned into a 1.5 hour visit!) and received the most wondrous news--her position was eliminated and as of Monday she was no longer employed there. Don't get me wrong, I do feel bad that she lost her job. But when I found out, I began to cry... tears of relief. The idea of having to work with her again had really been making me dread returning to work. I was even tossing around the idea of looking for work elsewhere, which is ridiculous considering the sweet deal I have there--great co-workers, an understanding manager, decent vacation due to the number of years I've been there, etc. It pays to play nice, folks. Bitches only win temporarily and eventually someone will put them in their place... it may feel like it takes forever but it will happen.
  • I forgot until this week the degree to which many of my coworkers feel like family.
  • BB had a blast visiting my office yesterday. He went for "piggy back rides" around the office (i.e. was taken for a ride around the office in a chair) and got to play with stickers, stamps and paper clips.
  • I don't think I've mentioned this yet, but I keep meaning to... About a month ago, BB tried climbing on my back and said, "Take a pig a walk." I asked, "Take a pig for a walk?" He said, "Yes!" And then it dawned on me... it was his way of asking for piggy back ride! Since that day, he's consistently called them piggy back rides.
  • The crisis that H found himself in back in April (that brought us together again) was officially over as of Tuesday. I've been wondering for months if I'd ever hear from him again after Tuesday or if he was just keeping in touch on occasion to ensure I was still in his camp. I heard from him Wednesday morning when he shared the outcome with me, and now we'll see if I ever hear from him again. I wish things were different between us, but he's treated me so poorly that I'm not going to lose sleep over whether I hear from him again. I don't believe that he knows how to actually be a true friend to someone. I am glad though that he's going to be okay, and that my faith in him was not misplaced.
  • Real Food Connections is wrapping up business for the season. They had a fab sale this week that I totally took advantage of. I'm going to miss their deliveries during the winter.
  • I had my hair cut again this week. It's getting shorter with every haircut. I'm still not certain if I'm going to keep it short or start the painful process of growing it out again. I need something that is easy to do when I go back to work. The long/flat-ironed style was easy, but I'd prefer something even faster. I'm not sure if I've found it yet or not. I find that I look tired and haggard again right now (after my last haircut I recall looking refreshed and alive) so perhaps I should wait a while before making any decisions about the current cut.
BG is waking up... I'll save this draft and proof/post it later. :)

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Harsh Reality

BG and I visited with T and her wee ones yesterday. I became upset when we talked about what life will be like for me and the kids when I go back to work in March. We'll get up, get ready to start our day, then head to the sitter's. They'll spend the day there while I'm at work. After work I'll pick them up, we'll return home, eat supper, they'll have a bath, and then it will be bedtime. Our only quality time together will be on the weekends. But I only have them every other weekend. So basically, I will have four days a month with my children. And those four days a month will also have to include visits with my family because it is important to keep those ties strong for the children.

I'm feeling desperate right now. There has to be a better way. This isn't how I ever pictured raising my children. I was supposed to be home with them. And even if something happened that I had to work, there was supposed to be a husband here to help out. And weekends weren't supposed to be split like this.

I know I keep saying that in the long run it's good that XH left, because we weren't the perfect match, but I'd rather still be in my pathetic excuse of a marriage than lose out on the time with my kids like this. I now understand why some couples choose to stay together until their kids are grown up. I'm not saying that would have been the right thing for us to do, but this isn't feeling right either.

What's the solution here? Start funneling all of my money directly to Atlantic Lotto?

Gah. Writing about this was supposed to make me feel better. Instead I'm sitting here in tears.

Friday, October 22, 2010


A friend of mine (she's more N's friend than mine, but I do know her from work) did pics of the kids for me this weekend. She's a wonderful and talented photographer, and also a super nice person. She took pics of BG when she was 10 days old, and they were so adorable. She took a few pics of BB at the same time, and although he was uncooperative, she still managed to get a few beautiful shots of him. So asking her to do pics again was a no-brainer, even though I had to scrape the money together for it.

She set up a FB page for her business not too long ago. Recently she announced a contest on the page. For every 100 followers, she'd give away a free one hour photo session. She gave away her first one this morning... to the chick that XH cheated on me with. She posted message announcing the winner's name, and then her next post was an album of my children.

I know it's just a weird coincidence, but is this what the rest of my life will be like? Having her turn up unexpectedly like this? The whole thing was really upsetting for me. I know that the pics are posted publicly so anyone can see them, but I still feel uncomfortable knowing that she's looking at them. I feel uncomfortable having her name directly beneath pics of my children.

I tried to be accepting of her while she was in XH's life (and BB's life, as a result) but I really don't like her. I don't blame her for XH's actions; however, I do not believe she is a "good" person. Anyone who can hook up with a guy knowing that he's married, has a baby, and another baby on the way is a person with poor judgement and weak morals. Definitely not the kind of person I want to be associated with, nor do I want my children associated with.

I've tried to move on from everything that happened last fall/winter/spring, and embrace the fact that XH and I are good friends who get along wonderfully, and who have two beautiful children together. But that doesn't mean that the past doesn't still ache. It does. Painfully at times. Today is one of those days.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

I'm still alive...


I seem to be constantly spinning my wheels these days. Chasing my tail in circles. As always, there's so much that I want to spew all over this page, but I just can't seem to find the time.

Thanks for the recent comments, I really do appreciate them, even if I haven't responded yet.

I visited a dear friend for lunch today and ended up attempting to share the story of H with her. I've noticed that because my attention is constantly divided between several things at once, I really suck at participating in conversations or telling a story. I'm everywhere in the timeline all at once, losing my train of thought, forgetting my point, etc. So, I sent her a link to the blog tonight. Not sure if she'll have the time or desire to check it out, but she's given me so much over the years... Letting her "in" just feels natural.

Baby Girl is snuggled up next to me snoozing away. I should be asleep too. I'm going to cozy up with her and call it a night.


Sunday, October 10, 2010

Made me laugh

N was in my room last night while I was changing BG. She noticed my plaid pyjama pants in a pile on the rocking chair and asked, "Is that your plaid shirt?" with a funny sound in her voice. I said, "No, it's my pyjama pants." "Oooooh! I thought it was XH's shirt and I was wondering what it was doing in your bedroom!"

Um. No. :)

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Just when I write you off for good...

This morning H crossed my mind. I realized that I'm no longer sitting here wondering if he'll message or call. It was an odd feeling, but I knew that I was on the right path.
Then about half an hour ago, my phone gave me a double buzz. One to tell me that a FB message had been received, and a second to notify me that I had received an email telling me about the FB message. Then it did the same thing again. I grabbed my phone to see who it was from. It honestly never crossed my mind that they might have been from H. So, I'm sure you can guess who the two messages were from.

He claims he's in the process of shutting down his FB account and that I shouldn't read into the deletion. Whatever. Most people just shut down their accounts, they don't delete their friends first, nor do they continue to use those accounts to send messages to people. So yeah, I'm not buying it.

Funny that he won't just tell me the truth. Well, I guess it's not that funny, since I know what he's like. But I just don't understand. Why all the deception? Although I don't like the truth, the truth would earn my respect far more than the obvious lies. Does he think I'm that stupid? Is he just trying to stay on my good side for another couple of weeks until he can close this chapter of his life?

He said in his message that he met a friend of mine at work recently, and mentioned to her that he was my friend and that he recognized her name from his friendship with me. Maybe I'm just a networking tool? Fredericton is a small place after all... the more people you know, the more "products" you can sell?

Anyway, I'm not replying. It's hard not to, but I'm not. I'm practically sitting on my hands right now. (Which is why I'm babbling here... better to write here than to further engage him.) I figure he didn't ask any questions, so I'm not being rude by not replying. Yes, I know people will tell me not to worry about being rude, but I do. I made a promise to be his friend, regardless of the promises he has broken, I can't be intentionally rude. But I do need to take a step back right now. Which is what I'm doing.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Avert Your Eyes

I know everyone has to be sick of my whining and complaining by now, but I do this for me. I need to get this stuff out so it does't eat me alive. If you don't want to be subjected to more of this same topic, I advise you to close this tab right now.

As predicted, I didn't hear back from H after I fired off that message. The next night I was IMing with XH about the whole thing. I told him how I signed off on the message, and it hit me that what I said to H was basically telling him not to bother me anymore. I pretty much told him to have a nice life. Not really my style to burn bridges, but I guess without realizing it, I did. For the best, yes, I know. Still stings though. There's that small piece of me that wonders if I might have shot myself in the foot.

A few years ago, a friend of mine from work set up a bogus FB account just for laughs. Most of my co-workers are FB friends with this imaginary person, and it's just been a big laugh for all of us. Back in May, H questioned who this person was. I explained that it was just a fake account that a friend created just for laughs. He requested friendship with the fake account and the account confirmed him as a friend. So after he added me on FB again in August, we had this one mutual friend, and right up until the day he removed me as a friend, he was still friends with this bogus account. When he started talking to me again in August, he asked me if I was creeping his profile through the fake account during the time that we weren't FB friends. I said no, of course not and laughed at him for thinking I'd be that pathetic. (Yes, this is all incredibly ridiculous. Everything about everything with him is.) Anyway, I noticed that when he removed me as a friend, he also removed the fake account. This tells me that he obviously didn't believe that I wasn't creeping him through the account. Apparently when he trusts someone implicitly, as he once told me, what he really means is that he thinks they're a big liar. But I suppose, when you aren't trustworthy yourself, it's hard to believe that anyone else out there could be.

In April, H also set up a bogus account. It was while he was in crisis mode, and I can only make assumptions about why he set up the account. I have a pretty good idea why, but I won't get into it here, because then I'd be talking about his stuff, and it isn't my place to chatter about it. Anyway, I have been a friend of that fake person since the account was created. So, if he had wanted to creep on my profile while he and I weren't friends on FB, he was able to. Tonight, I severed that connection.

I'm sure this all seems stupid. I'd think it was stupid if I was reading it on someone else's blog. Stupid and childish. So much of the past several months have been stupid and childish. And because I'm here all day with the babies, I spend far too much time thinking about it all.

I've been feeling so sad lately. I'm guessing the recent sadness has been prompted by the shorter days, but all this stupidity over H isn't helping things any. I need to make a change for the better, I'm just not sure where to start.

Monday, October 4, 2010

Back from the edge

Today was a significantly better day. I made a point of not doing anything that would create any potential stressful situations. So, we didn't bake, we only ate leftovers, BG had her meal of rice while BB was eating (playing) with his lunch (this meant he wasn't wearing her rice like he did yesterday.) We spent most of the day playing on the living room floor. After lunch, I popped the kids into the stroller, and took them out for a 30 minute walk, and then we spent another half of an hour in the front yard. I sat on the stairs while BB played with a broom and watering can (and his two stuffies that joined us for the walk) and BG enjoyed chilling in her infant carrier on the front walk way. I put BB down for his nap about 15 minutes late, but he immediately fell asleep. BG fell asleep by 15:30, and I had 30 minutes of time to myself before I had to wake BB up from his nap. Heaven. BG continued to sleep for 30 minutes after BB got up, so he and I were able to have some quiet cuddles and story time together. The usual 17:30 chaos didn't happen. I didn't remotely feel like I was at the end of my rope. The three of us happily played in the living room until after 19:00. BB went to bed around 19:30, and immediately went to sleep again.

Overall, a great day.

Every day can't be void of chores and cooking though. However, after my many parenting meltdowns yesterday morning, this felt like the right thing to do today. I didn't know if it would work, but it did.

Tomorrow my mother is coming out to stay with the kids and I'm heading into town for a bit. I need to pick up some supplies to make a lasagna to take to a friend's birthday part Thursday night. I can't stay in town for too long, since BG will need to eat, but getting out will be good.

I'm proud of myself for taking the step back today. Refocusing. Not trying to do it all. I did the right thing, and I hope that the next time I'm teetering on the edge, I'll remember today.

Sunday, October 3, 2010



I don't want to prattle on and on about this, but since I've documented everything else, why not this too? Once again, H has removed me as a friend on FB. He did say to me in May, "FB isn't real life, Cuddles", yet he was incredibly quick to add me again when they broke up at the beginning of August.

Anyway, today was already a yucky day before I realized he had done this again, and this just adds to it. To make it even better, I had the feeling from my family that they were wondering if I was seeing anyone. Then when my parents showed up today while I was in my funk, my mother asked me if "anyone" had upset me. I told her no, because the only one upsetting me was me. I know she stalks my FB (that's an entirely separate post that will be coming at some point) and will notice that he's not my friend anymore. Because she tends to speculate and makes up stories to fill in the gaps, I'm sure my bad mood today will be because of another fall out with him. Grrrr.

I told myself that when this happened (because I knew it would) I wasn't going to say anything to him. But I couldn't resist and fired him off a message. Not the first one I typed, thankfully, but the third one. And about five minutes after I hit send, I thought of a much better, "lighter" message, but I guess it's too late.

I'm tired of the games. It's better this way. I know that. And I realize that I've made him out to be the devil. I tend to do that... share the bad, keep the good locked away inside of myself. But for the record, he really was a great guy. However, many of the reasons why I loved him (is past tense right here? I don't know anymore) are also the reasons why he acts the way he does... which is probably why I've always been so forgiving of his actions.

I have a feeling that he's probably embarrassed about all of this back and forth he's been doing, and the next time they split up, I won't be on his call list.

Seriously doubting my ability to do this

It's not even noon and I've already cried off my make-up.

I'm a fucking tyrant who can't control her temper.

My mouth says, "No! Leave things alone!" as if on repeat.

I need out. I need the responsibility off of me, just for a few minutes. That's all.

Deep breath. Carry on. Let go. It's not that important. Breathe.


I sometimes find it to be a bit disconcerting when a smell takes me back to another time. Tonight I lit my first fire of the season. A few moments ago, I just stepped out of my bedroom and was greeted by the smell of the wood stove. Suddenly I was filled with so many unexpected emotions, and it was last winter again. Immediately my thoughts went to H. First happy and loving, then sadness. Then the overall loneliness from last winter set in. It seemed weird to experience all of those feelings without also being pregnant. Looking back, it feels like all of those emotions seemed to be muted a small bit by having BG inside of me during that time. No matter how sad or lonely I was, I had to stay strong for her.

It's looking like it's going to be another lonely winter. Hopefully less heartbreak this time around though.