Wednesday, March 30, 2011

In love

I'm quite certain I'm in love. This weekend changed everything. Parts of it were a reality check (this isn't always going to be easy) but I know that we can make it work. Other parts of the weekend were pure bliss. At times the difficult times and the blissful times were happening together.

I'm still amazed by all of this. So many misunderstandings prior to six weeks ago.

Has it really only been less than six weeks? It feels new, yes, but it also feels so very comfy.

I've never felt like such an important part of my significant other's life before.

I have a hard time recording my happiness here... I avoid writing about the good times for fear that I'll someday look back and regret running with the feeling. But that's what love is about, right? Taking a chance. It's like an investment - the biggest payoff comes from the greatest risk.

I'm keeping the fact that I love him to myself... letting him set the pace. I don't want him to feel pressured about anything. In the meantime, I can keep telling him how much I like him.

I am looking forward to what the future will bring.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

To blog or not to blog

I've been avoiding writing recently. Or at least writing with the depth that I normally do. I told Bachelor F up front about the whole blog thing, because I was afraid it could cause a problem down the road. He said he was cool with it. I asked if he'd be willing to get to know me first in real life before reading, because I was afraid something I've written here at a particular point in time would be applied to me now, when it really is no longer the case. There's a lot of emotion here, most of which is no longer relevant beyond being a part of what makes me who I am today. He agreed, and said it would be a long time before he ever read it.

Last week he said that he wanted to read it. Then in the next breath said that he didn't. Then he asked what I write about. Do I write about him? I tried to explain that it's more emotional writing than anything else, and that yes, he's been mentioned, but not anything directly about him, more of how he has affected my life, how I feel about it, etc. Do I mention him by name? No, I don't mention anyone by name. Although, I guess there are a few people I mention... but only because they use their real names online and it's clear that we're friends (I'm looking at you Stephen. Miranda and Natalie would also fall into this category too, even if I haven't directly mentioned them yet.)

Anyway... I get the feeling he's uneasy about it. It's made me feel like I shouldn't write about anything regarding him or our relationship. All the stuff I wrote about XH was written with his permission. H is in the dark about the blog, so everything written about him was without consent, but I was also careful not to actually share his story, like I did with XH. As for Bachelor F, I know he doesn't "get" how much this outlet has helped me over the past couple of years. But without showing this to him, there's no way he could even begin to fathom it. And I probably become a bit defensive when he brings it up. I'm a bit protective of it.

So I feel that I need to refrain from writing much about him. But I do have stuff that needs to get out....

Right now I feel a bit lost. I'm not sure where I stand with him. When things are good they feel great. But so often he's distant. I know it's due to his own stress, unrelated (I believe) to me. And I recall him telling me once before we met, or maybe shortly after, that he sometimes needs space to deal with that. I'm trying hard to be patient. Really really hard. And if he'd just flat out say, "Hey, it's nothing to do with you, I just need to deal with this." then I'd probably be fine. But instead, I feel like I'm being pushed aside. I'm lonely. I need physical closeness. I need reassurance, but am afraid to ask for it... since I drove him away a couple of weeks ago I often feel as if I've been walking on eggshells. Afraid of pushing too hard... being too needy or clingy. I don't want to add to his stress by bringing any of this up. I'm just trying to ride things out and see where they all settle, then assess how it all feels.

I find it rather funny (not haha funny) that one of the primary things that draws me to him is also the thing driving me away.

It feels like we have so much potential for something good. I have felt significantly calmer since meeting him. It's like he's taught me how to relax again. It's been a long time since I've done that. We get along. We have similar values. I look at him and feel myself go all squishy inside.

Three and a half weeks isn't long enough to make a call in either direction. I feel myself getting nervous as we near the one month mark... it was exactly one month to the day of meeting H that he broke up with me. (The "four week wonder" is what we joke about now.)

It's odd... usually by now I'm so deep in love and certain that I'll be with the person forever. In this case, I really am taking it day to day. I do know that I care about him very deeply, but can't begin to try to determine whether it will only be a short while or a lifetime together. I think if it weren't for the incident a couple weeks ago, I probably would be so in love and planning on forever... but now I'm cautious. If he wants it, my heart is his... but he hasn't really asked for it or made any indication of letting me know that he might be interested in really even examining it.

I'm left wondering how we move from "this" to being in a long-term relationship. Maybe this really is building the foundation and I've just never experienced it like this before? Maybe that is what will make this actually endure the long haul?

I need to stop questioning things. Give it time. For H, I waited a year for nothing. At least I do get something from Bachelor F. Just not as much as I'd like right now.


I really do like him. A lot. I just feel like I need some reassurance and don't know how (or if) I should ask for it.

(I've turned off the comments on this one... for once, I really don't want feedback. I just needed the release. There are a handful of you that can contact me directly if you're so inclined to throw in your two cents.)

Sunday, March 13, 2011


I dropped into H's work yesterday to drop off a coffee and lend him my snowshoes. H took one look at me and said, "Oh my god, cuddles, you're absolutely glowing!"

Maybe it's the pimples on my chin, or my yucky cold. Or maybe, it's just H exercising his flare for the dramatic. Or maybe, just maybe, I might have been glowing. I *had* just (completely by accident) followed Bachelor F into town.

Saturday, March 12, 2011


I've waited here for you

I've thrown myself into
And out of the red, out of her head, she sang

Come down
And waste away with me
Down with me

Slow how
You wanted it to be
I'm over my head, out of her head, she sang

And I wonder
When I sing along with you
If everything could ever feel this real forever
If anything could ever be this good again
The only thing I'll ever ask of you
Got to promise not to stop when I say when
She sang

Breath out
So I can breathe you in
Hold you in

And now
I know you've always been
Out of your head, out of my head, I sang

And I wonder
When I sing along with you
If everything could ever feel this real forever
If anything could ever be this good again
The only thing I'll ever ask of you
Got to promise not to stop when I say when
She sang

And I wonder
If everything could ever feel this real forever
If anything could ever be this good again
The only thing I'll ever ask of you
Got to promise not to stop when I say when

Friday, March 11, 2011

Disjointed Friday ramblings

Hmmm... so things with Bachelor F had a happy ending last weekend. I've backed off a bit. Previously, I think I've felt like things might not have worked out with others because I wasn't forward enough, so I was trying too hard this time. Things are normal feeling again. I'm more comfortable. There are times when I feel like I'm holding back a bit in order to avoid the risk of pressuring him, but for the most part, the 'need' that I'm squashing by holding back is met shortly after. I am confident we'll find our groove soon.

The kids have been easing their way into daycare over last week and this week. They start full-time on Monday. I go back to work the following Monday. BB came down with a cold last Thursday morning, BG had it within a day or two of that, and now I have it. Hopefully we'll all be fine again within a week or so. BB is happy to go to the sitter's place. That makes things easier. He's been having tantrums at the end of the day though. He doesn't want to put on his boots. I know he's tired and he misses me. I need to find a way to work in some extra quality time with him. BG is making the transition far easier than BB did two years ago. Although she's not reaching for the sitter yet, this morning she didn't cry when I handed her over. She's so tiny... I had a hard time passing that sweet, cuddly little body over this morning. It must be so confusing for her. I need to not think about all of this too much though. This is something I cannot change, so I need to make the best of it and keep plowing ahead. Moving along. Trust that everything will be fine. It always is, right? No amount of heartache on my part will change anything.

My 13 months off have been a blur. I'm glad I kept track of so much here; otherwise, I'd probably be wondering what the hell I've been doing for the past year. I've been taking care of two amazing kids and putting myself back together. I feel whole again. (I should point out that I already felt whole again prior to meeting Bachelor F... he isn't the reason for my wholeness or my happiness. I am.) I am a different person than I was 13 months ago. When I put the pieces back together, I didn't put them in the same places. It's impossible to do that when there's millions of little pieces, isn't it? This new version is stronger and more durable. Smash this version on the floor and she'll only break into a hundred pieces now, not a million.

Saturday, March 5, 2011

On my mind, right now

I don't think that I open my heart too easily. It takes a lot for me to deem someone "worthy" of it. But when I do find someone I feel a connection with, I quickly hand it over. I don't know whether that is right or wrong, it's just who I am.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

On staying positive

I've been playing head-games with myself ever since last night.

Had a fun date with Bachelor F. Had a glass of beer at the restaurant, followed by a bottle of wine, and then we drank a second bottle of wine after coming back to my place. To say I was drunk would be an understatement. Somehow I ended up questioning our future together. (It's all a bit fuzzy.) Pushing to find out when he would "know" that he is ready to move things to the next level. I wasn't expecting it to be today or tomorrow, I was just trying to get a feel for how slow or quickly he moves. Are we looking at weeks or months? Longer? Anyway, what he ended up telling me was that pressure pushes him away. And after that, the entire tone of the evening changed. Then somehow the topic of H came up. He wanted to know the story, then he didn't want to know the story. I ended up telling it, but in my drunken state I don't know how well he was able to follow it. Fuck. When we went to bed it felt like there was a wall between us.

It could have just been that it was almost 2am, we were both drunk, and neither of us have been getting much sleep lately. Or, it could be that I successfully managed to mess this up.

Today we haven't talked much, but he hasn't been very communicative. I do know that he's exhausted though... so maybe I'm just being my usual fearing-the-worst self.

What I'm trying to tell myself is that he is a thinker, so he's not going to act without thinking it through. And when you think it through, why would someone end something that is showing such promise because one person effed up and pushed too hard? We snuggle together asking, "Is this weird?" referring to the connection we seem to have instantly and effortlessly developed. How could someone give up on that potential, right?

Chances are he has distanced himself a bit. I need to be patient. Patience doesn't come easily to me. However, I believe that he is worth the wait. I know, it's not even been two weeks yet. But we've spent a lot of time together, and it's all felt so amazingly intense. I'm not used to feeling this connected with someone without sex being involved. Usually sex creates that (sometimes false) bond with the other person. This feels real.

Maybe the H story is bothering him. It would probably bother me if the tables were turned. I'm not sure how to deal with all of that. I made a promise to H to always be his friend, but at this point, if I had to choose, I'd choose Bachelor F. Just a week ago I told Bachelor F the opposite. Amazing how things can change in a week. H would never forgive me if he knew this.

When he stopped by after work to pick up his pup, I felt my heart soar when I saw his smile and his beautiful blue eyes. I asked for a kiss, and it felt like he didn't want to. He quickly gave me one on my cheek, telling me he'd say hello later. I saw him on MSN a short while ago so I said hi and asked how things were going... he said he was tired and cranky and very busy. I told him that I wouldn't bug then, and he said again that he'd say hello later.

I've been reflecting. Wondering why it was that I even pushed him. I obviously was having a moment of insecurity where I felt that I needed reassurance. Standing back and looking at it now, the reassurance was right there next to me on the couch. He wouldn't have been here if he wasn't feeling something. I wish I had recognized that insecurity and simply asked for reassurance, rather than being all creepy and wondering about our future together.

I feel bad for pushing. I want to apologize because I feel terrible for making him uncomfortable. But I don't necessarily want to turn it into an even bigger deal than it already has been. And maybe, just maybe, this isn't even on his radar tonight. Just mine.

I like his openness. I like his mature approach to relationships. I like that he has a very silly and fun side. I like that he values hard work, but also takes time to play. I like that he is caring and affectionate. I like that he feels he should respond when he hears BG cry in the night. He is smart, funny, and cute. I am so very attracted to him. I like how I feel when I am with him. I've never met anyone remotely similar to him before. I like him.

Patience patience patience.
Don't fuck this up.
Good things come to those who wait.