Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Removing A Chunk of Previous Post

I'm moving my previous post to the locked-down-no-one-sees-it-blog. It has a lot of the details that belong to DH that I needed to record for my own healing.

The gist: DH has been cheating on me since September.

Here is a repost of what I posted at 02:30 this morning, but with some details removed...

I am a fool.

I need to do this post properly, yet it's 02:30, and I really should be in bed. I'm not sure if I'll be able to sleep though.

While DH was bathing BB on Christmas Eve (before he left for his outing with his "friend") he received a text message. He told me that it was just his "friend" sending him directions. Christmas morning I did something I shouldn't have done. DH left his phone in the bathroom when he returned home early Christmas morning, so I looked into his text messages, because I was curious where she lived. Instead of directions, her message was asking him if he wanted to play a game that night. Huh? I thought they were looking at Christmas lights. And I thought that she sent him directions. Vibrating, I checked his sent messages to see what he had in there. The only message was from a few weeks ago when our power was out, and he told her that the power was out, that he couldn't call, and it was ended with "goodnight love". HUH? At this point, I marched downstairs and confronted him. He told me that the game thing was just an inside joke (that I'm guessing my small mind wouldn't understand) and that they did look at Christmas lights. While down there, I noticed an empty wine glass on the floor and asked about that. Turned out he had a glass the night of the 23rd, but then lied about it the next morning, when I congratulated him on his five nights of sobriety. This put me over the edge. We spent most of Christmas morning discussing everything again and again. He promised that he wouldn't lie to me again (another lie as you'll see.) I asked him about his outgoing message, and he said that it was just a term of endearment (that he picked up off a friend of ours who calls his dogs and female friends "love") but that he didn't love her, and didn't have those sorts of feelings towards her and that he wasn't getting that vibe from her either.

Fast forward to tonight. I went to a movie with N and her husband, and a while after I returned home, he came upstairs and confessed everything. Or what I hope is everything. Because if this keeps getting drawn out any longer I may go crazy. Turns out he posted an ad back in September looking for something. He won't tell me what, but it was something specific and if he tells me that he'll be invading her privacy. (Eff her privacy, I say. I want the closure.) Anyway, she responded to the ad (and this is where I deleted out the details of their meetings.) I am gonig to mention; however, that he took her with him on his trip to Virginia. (You know, the one where he had the "epiphany" that he no longer loved me?) And that was supposed to be the end of their fling though because she didn't want to be involved in a relationship with a married man. He claims that he didn't love her then. And that when he broke up with me, they were no longer together, and that when he said he was breaking up with me because he no longer loved me, he meant it, that it wasn't because of her. The Kijiji ad that he posted looking for a friend? All a fake just to fool me. Job well done. He told me tonight that when I asked him on Christmas morning if he loved her that he could have said yes. When I outright asked, he told me that hey had sex on Christmas eve (after lying once that no, they hadn't.)

I knew something didn't seem quite right... wasn't adding up. But every time I'd squeeze something else out of him, he'd promise that he was done with the lying.

In all honesty, once again, I'm relieved to know the truth. I feel like this has given me a bit more closure. I'm much more angry with him now though, yet I still care about him.

I don't know what is truth and what is a lie anymore. He swears that she is the only person he's even cheated on me with. But again, do I believe him? What reason does he have to lie about that? But what reason did he have to lie about the lies about the lies?

He wants out of the house now. My initial reaction was to kick him out tonight, but I managed to bite my tongue. I can't handle the dogs plus BB on top of being pregnant. I need to play my cards right and try not to say or do anything that is going to make life even more complicated. I've also considered cutting him out of the children's lives, since I really don't want his mess spilling over on to them. But I'm not sure if that's the right thing for the children. He thinks that he'll be able to stop drinking once he's out of the house. I wish I could believe in him, but I can't right now. Because right now he's just looking to get out, even if that means renting a room and coming over here several times a day to take care of the poor dogs. (Don't worry folks, I'll try to give them as much love and freedom as I can when he's not around.) I predict that if he's still drinking then, it will be blamed on the fact that he still has to come here so frequently, and that once that's over with, he'll be okay. And so on and so on. He claims that he's made a promise to himself that if he does "slip" once he's out of the house, regardless of the situation, he's going to get counselling. I hope he does. I wish he would regardless.

I told him tonight that I don't want him there for the birth of BN2. He's okay with it and understands. I'm going to ask my brother's gf who has been such a huge support to me through all of this. Hopefully she'll be able to do it. I may change my mind in the meantime, but right now the idea of him makes me feel dirty. To think that he was fooling around with her (I'm really working hard here to not call her mean names because really, although she knew the situation, it's really his fault) and still sleeping with me. Accepting my love and my kisses. BNL has a line in one of their songs with has always resonated with me, "It's cruel, unusual punishment to kiss fingerprinted skin." It's funny that the line has been going through my head a lot lately. I feel dirty. I worry that she might not be clean. I might talk to the doctor about it the next time I'm in.

I feel like such a fool. I've defended him to so many people. I've wanted people to not hate him, since he's still the father to my children. I still don't want people to hate him for that exact reason, but I certainly do have less respect for him now. It will be harder to defend him now. But I don't want to get in the habit of bashing him at every opportunity. There isn't room in my heart for all of that bitterness. That sort of stuff eats at the very core of your being and changes who you are. And like I said, I do still care.

Did he tell me because he wanted me to know? No. He told me to lighten his load. But I'd rather know the truth than find out tidbits slowly over time, or to have to live with the suspicions.

You know, I just remembered something... he told me one time that he'd never cheat on me, because his ex cheated on him and he remembered how terrible that felt and would never do that to me. Heh. Another promise broken.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Keep it together

It seems cheap and tacky to post this blog entry tonight--Christmas Eve. Everyone I know is with their families tonight, continuing their Christmas traditions. Happy. All of their Facebook statuses are wishing everyone a merry Christmas. I can't even bring myself to update mine. I don't want to put something negative and draw attention to myself, but I can't pretend to be happy. I'm so sick of pretending for everyone else's sake. I don't know where else to turn but here to my blog. I don't even know how to express the emptiness I am feeling and have been feeling. This entry is probably going to seem as random and disjointed as I'm feeling, but whatever. I need to do something or else I may lose my mind or do something a little bit crazy that I can never take back. Maybe this will get me over the hump of tonight.

I'm sitting here alone. BB is in bed. DH (gawd, I need to come up with a new name for him. "The man I love with all my heart yet have been feeling so incredibly angry with lately"? A bit too long...) just headed out to meet up with his new "friend" in SJ to look at Christmas lights with her. (He claims they're just friends, and he hasn't gotten anything but friendship vibes from her... but that doesn't make it any easier on me when he's choosing to spend his time with another female.) Yes, I could have asked my parents to come out, but somehow that just seems even more lonely to me. And more frustrating, because they I have to put on that damn happy face. The "everything is going to be okay" face. The "at least I still have BB and BN2" face. The "at least DH and I are still friends" face. I'm f*cking sick of putting on those faces for everyone. I want to scream to the world that I'm miserable, that I'm lonely, that there are many times where I don't even want to live anymore. The only thing keeping me holding on is BB. It seems like an awful lot of responsibility for someone who is only 19 months old. But if I tell the world that I'm feeling this way, it just turns me into a spectacle. It makes my parents worry and in turn, drive me even crazier.

I hate that I feel so guilty about everything. DH is sad that he's spending a Christmas afternoon alone. He's afraid he's going to drink. He normally doesn't give a care about Christmas. I was always the one that made it into a big production. For some reason he suddenly does care this year. Had I known that he was worried about how he'd handle the day, I wouldn't have told my parents that BB and I would be down for the afternoon for Christmas dinner, etc. I would have just stayed here in an effort to help distract him. But then I feel so much anger at feeling that guilt. After all, he left me here alone curled in a ball on the love seat sobbing my heart out because I'm alone on Christmas eve. He's the one that doesn't love ME anymore. Why the hell do I still have to love him so gawddamned much? Why do I constantly consider his feelings? Why do I wish I could save him? He certainly didn't give me that sort of consideration. I feel guilty that I got angry when he left. I was tidying up BB's toys in the living room so that it doesn't look like a complete disaster when I take pics of BB opening his gifts tomorrow morning, and I got so angry at him that I took BB's little Mega Block truck and whipped it across the room and into his toy box. He told me that I won't be alone tomorrow night. I told him that I'm alone every night now. He said that he'd spend the evening upstairs with me and we'd play a board game. I feel guilty that he's agreed to do that because what if spending time with me makes him want to drink more? He told me earlier today that he can't talk about stuff with me when he's craving a drink because I was one of his drinking buddies. I haven't drank with him in almost two and half years... I feel angry that I've been painted with that brush. Then I feel guilty for the lifestyle we used to share.

BB and I watched videos today that I had taken in the summer when the three of us went to the park. I remember it being such a fun day. I was so happy. I thought we all were. Now looking at the videos, it all seems like such a lie. I feel terrible, because I feel like BB's entire life up until this point has been a complete sham. I can't believe both of my children were conceived without both of their parents loving each other with all of their hearts. My heart is so incredibly broken beyond belief.

I don't know what to do anymore. I just need to hold it together, and the pain will pass, right? Keep it together.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Separation Ramblings

It's been about a week and a half since I last posted.  Lots has happened.  The overall result to my life has not changed though. 


First of all, DH told me last week that it's okay for me to write about the thing that I thought I shouldn't write about.  We had been talking about how I had used the blog as a way to sort through how I was feeling, and he told me that I should feel free to write about it and that I don't need to keep it a secret.  He's not advertising this, but it's not a secret.  He has finally admitted to himself that he is an alcoholic.  No, he's not the type of alcoholic who wakes up in the morning and grabs his bottle to help with his hangover.  He's not the abusive type.  He's not what most people think of when they think of an alcoholic.  He's the sit in the basement by himself and drink beer every night type.  There have been a lot of contributing factors to this…  We always drank together several nights a week before we decided to have BB.  After we were married, we seemed to surround ourselves with new friends who enjoyed drinking and laughing as much as we did.  Somewhere in there, the drinking became his way of trying to hide from the fact that he wasn't happy.  The week after he broke up with me the drinking became much worse.  The following Saturday morning I found him hunched over his computer at 02:00.  I asked him what he was doing (my paranoid mind figured he must be chatting with a girl online) and he told me that he was trying to get over drinking.  At the time I thought it was just another one of his attempts to stop drinking.  It wasn't until the next day when we finally had a chance to sit down and talk that I realized how serious this was.  I knew he had a problem, but whenever I'd ask him about it, he would always brush it off.  He had made attempts to stop a few times over the past year or two when trying to get in shape, but after a short while would make excuses and start drinking again.  It was easier for me to believe that he really was in control than to confront him and risk a fight.  *sigh*  I always avoid the fights with him.  After that night, he managed to go three nights without a drink, and then had one beer on Tuesday.  He's now lasted seven nights without a drink.  I'm so proud of him.  I know he's struggling.  He won't ask for help.  For his sake, and for the sake of our children, I really hope he can do this. 


That same weekend, he posted an ad on Kijiji looking for an activity partner.  He decided that he needs a friend to do the things that he feels he's been missing out on with.  He had a few loons respond, but one girl in a nearby city responded to his ad, and they seem to have become friends.  He met her last weekend and spend the two hours they were together completely unloading on her.  I'm glad he has someone he feels he can talk to.  I "get" that I'm so tangled up in this entire mess that talking to me isn't the same as talking to someone who is completely unrelated to everything.  A fresh perspective, she is.  A jealous ex, I am.  But I'm not as jealous as I expected to be.  He seems quite adamant that he only wants to be friends with her…  that the pressure of a new relationship would make it hard for him not to drink to relieve the stress.  And remarkably, I don't hate her.  I really am glad that she's helped him to feel a bit better.  I wish I could be the one that he is turning to though. 


I had decided that I need to stop staying at the house.  Things were feeling really bad.  I felt like I wasn't letting go, or moving on.  The last couple of nights though have felt a bit better though.  I once again think that staying at the house is the right thing to do.  But it's difficult sharing a house with the man you love when he doesn't have those same feelings for you.  I'm constantly refraining from grabbing his butt, or giving him a quick snuggle when I walk by him.  The idea of house-sitting gave me a bit of a distraction for a day or two, before I realized that nothing would probably come of it.  But that was another couple of days that I survived. 


We've spent a few nights working on the separation agreement.  The first evening resulted in me crying, hand flailing, and accusing him of "gallivanting" around, when I found out that we had a misunderstanding on our agreement of not moving on to new relationships of any sort while we're both still living at the house.  He thought it meant no over-night guests.  I meant no moving on at all.  Big difference.  Our second evening of working on it was much more productive.  Then we sat down for a third evening and made a few touch-ups that we thought of after.  And last night we finally signed off on it.  It's basically a good-faith agreement between the two of us.  Because we're doing this amicably, we don't feel the need to go through lawyers.  We both agree that things will only get messier if they get involved.  I've watched it happen…  greed sets in and suddenly the couple is no longer working together but rather are working against one another.  Signing off on the agreement was difficult for me.  It was hard to watch him sign his name and see that it didn't bother him at all.  It's hard to know that he's so over me so quickly.  I can't even fathom it.  After we finished signing, he held me for a bit while I cried.  I know he feels bad for what he's done. 


I've asked him so many times over the years whether or not he's happy.  He always told me that he was.  I wish one of those times, before it was too late, that he would have actually thought about the question, and said that he wasn't, so that we could go get help.  Rescue our relationship. 


I'm trying to be mature and let him go.  It's not easy.  I feel so undesirable and unlovable.  This next part is going to sound foolish…  But as we were talking about this the other night, he encouraged me to put an ad out on a dating website.  Not that I'm looking for a relationship, but rather just to prove to myself that people would still be interested, even though I'm in an odd situation at the moment.  He even told me that despite our promises of not moving on, that I should consider going out on a date or two if I wanted, and he would be willing to stay with BB, and would not try to bend the rules for himself.  It's so odd to see him care for me in this way.  Part of me thinks that maybe he's just doing this to relieve his own guilt, but another part of me knows better.  So, I posted an ad.  I was up front and honest, no holds barred.  And would you believe some people actually responded?  And they were nice responses too.  I was told that I seemed down to earth, and that my profile was honest and funny.  Wow.  That was a major pick-me-up.  It's odd to have 40-something year old men interested in me…  when DH and I got together we were only 21.  I liked boys then.  Somewhere in there, I graduated to men, and didn't even realize it.  I'll probably never meet any of these guys, and once the baby arrives, there will be no time for any of that nonsense anyway.  But for now, it's providing me with a bit of a distraction and boosting my self-esteem in a cheap 15-year-old-girl kind of way. 


My SIL and I have spent time the past two Sundays together.  She's become an amazing friend to me through this.  She's so supportive and caring.  She's non-judgmental.  When I told her about my online ad, she was happy for me.  She totally "got" why I had to do it.  When I told my two BFFs about it, one didn't really say much, and the other (who I usually communicate with through email) pretty much chastised me in her reply.  But I know that if a friend of mine told me that her husband broke up with her two weeks ago and she was 24 weeks pregnant  and putting ads on dating websites, I'd be like, "Honey!  Woah!  Take a breather.  Take some time to heal first."  So, I guess perhaps this whole experience is giving me a new perspective on things.  It's definitely opened up my eyes to a lot of things.  And my SIL is showing me how to be a good friend. 


This has become quite long and rambling.  I still have so much to say.  I'm feeling so much.  There are times when I feel hope for the future.  Most of the time I feel sadness for what I've lost.  I know there will be happiness in my future, but I need to learn to trust again before that will ever happen.