Thursday, September 15, 2011

Almost seven months have passed...

...since I first met MB, and I'm still completely obsessed with him. I feel like he's constantly on my mind… I don't know if this is normal, but it is definitely good. And amazing.


Lately I've been trying to figure out why the depth of love I feel for him feels different than anything I've ever experienced before. Perhaps it's that all "new" love feels this way? Each new love is always deeper and more intense than anything that ever came before, right? Even with this knowledge, I still feel like this is more than that.  All I can come up with is that he's the first person who wants to accept everything I am offering. Looking back, I always felt like I wanted to give more but it was never really wanted or desired. Eventually I would stop trying to give and then would simply co-exist with the person.


I constantly crave his attention and affection, our chats on the deck, and our declarations of love for one another. I appreciate his honesty (even when it hurts), and the fact that he is who is he is… there's no façade or phoniness.


When we are around other people our energy often seems to take over the room. I can feel it… some people are drawn to it, others seem uncomfortable with it.


His son and I seem to be bonding… for a long while I wondered if it would really happen. Recently I've been thinking of myself as having three kids… not just two. I recently ran into friends at a store. I had all three kids in the shopping cart. My friends asked where I picked up the third kid. I felt weird saying, "This is MB's son", yet calling him my step-son out loud feels very presumptuous of me. I need to give his son a name for when I reference him in this space… Perhaps OB would work… My Baby Boy and my Oldest Boy…


Speaking of Baby Boy, this past weekend things seemed to change between him and OB… Rather than BB always seeming like a victim to OB picking on him, BB started fighting back… and instigating! The whole situation was irritating, the way it always is, but it made me feel like I didn't always have to jump in to defend BB. If he's going to start a fight with OB, he'll need to learn how to handle that fight. Obviously we'll jump in if things get out of control or too rough… but if it's simply a matter of the boys getting into a "Yes! No!" game, they can sort it out. I have the funniest picture of me and the boys next to the bonfire in our yard last Saturday night. I'm smiling into the camera with OB on my lap wrestling with BB who is on my other side. It definitely seems to capture the chaos in our lives.

Friday, September 2, 2011


Writing in this space feels so odd now. I want to write. I want to share all of the good in my life. I want to gripe about the odd thing that in the big scheme of things doesn't really matter. I want to share my insecurities, as well as the things that I am certain of. I want to share all the funny and sweet things BB and BG say and do. I want to share some of the meaningful things that MB says to me that turn me into goo.


But at the same time, I don't want to share it. I want to keep it all to myself… wrap myself up in it. Maybe even protect myself from being hurt by not sharing. I fear though that I'll someday forget all of these warm fuzzies… BB getting ready for bed and giving me a hug and asking if I'm happy. …BG wrapping her arms tight around my neck, and pressing her cheek to mine before I put her to bed. …MB's boy telling me that he loves me while I give him snuggles in his bed while he's sick. …MB sending me messages over Skype while he's away telling me that his life would not be complete without me and that he wants to age with me.


I once again have more than many people could ever believe possible. A couple years ago thought I had everything… And then it felt like I had lost so much. But now… now it feels like I truly do have everything.


I've never felt love like this before. I've never felt or given this depth of devotion to anyone before. I've never felt this loved before. I feel like every bit of love I feel towards him, he reciprocates. I don't know if I've ever truly been loved prior to this. But now I feel loved. I see the way he sometimes looks at me… I've never seen love in someone's eyes before now. I often see it at what feels like the strangest times… when I'm drunkenly singing… or making him a late-night grilled cheese sandwich… It makes no sense, yet it makes perfect sense.

He tells me he wants to marry me. That he will marry me. That he's never wanted to be with someone the way he wants to be with me. I'm not pushing for anything. Do I want to marry him? Yes. With all of my heart. Will I ask that he marry me? No. Will I pressure him to marry me? Definitely not. Prior to him telling me that he wanted to marry me, I felt indifferent… I recall a telephone conversation early on where we both said we'd only ever marry (again, in my case) if there was something very special about the other person. I feel like I've found my very special person… the person I thought never existed. The person I thought couldn't possibly exist. I want to scream from mountaintops that I love him and that I'm his girl.


Today I received my official divorce judgment… dated August 10. It's over. I'm free to move on. Sure, I've already moved on, but now I have closure. I also have the satisfaction of knowing that I took control of a situation that I felt I had no control over. When I was reviewing the documents prior to signing them last month, I had a moment of difficulty looking at my marriage certificate one last time. I remembered the small snow storm that day and our handful of friends that were there with us. I remembered hoping that we were doing the right thing, but knowing that it could be undone if it wasn't. Sounds awful now… 


As usual, I have no idea what the future holds, but I've finally closed that chapter. I'm not sure how this new one will unfold, but I hope it doesn't end for a very very long time…. I'm looking for a happy ending this time – for all of us.