...since I first met MB, and I'm still completely obsessed with him. I feel like he's constantly on my mind… I don't know if this is normal, but it is definitely good. And amazing.
Lately I've been trying to figure out why the depth of love I feel for him feels different than anything I've ever experienced before. Perhaps it's that all "new" love feels this way? Each new love is always deeper and more intense than anything that ever came before, right? Even with this knowledge, I still feel like this is more than that. All I can come up with is that he's the first person who wants to accept everything I am offering. Looking back, I always felt like I wanted to give more but it was never really wanted or desired. Eventually I would stop trying to give and then would simply co-exist with the person.
I constantly crave his attention and affection, our chats on the deck, and our declarations of love for one another. I appreciate his honesty (even when it hurts), and the fact that he is who is he is… there's no façade or phoniness.
When we are around other people our energy often seems to take over the room. I can feel it… some people are drawn to it, others seem uncomfortable with it.
His son and I seem to be bonding… for a long while I wondered if it would really happen. Recently I've been thinking of myself as having three kids… not just two. I recently ran into friends at a store. I had all three kids in the shopping cart. My friends asked where I picked up the third kid. I felt weird saying, "This is MB's son", yet calling him my step-son out loud feels very presumptuous of me. I need to give his son a name for when I reference him in this space… Perhaps OB would work… My Baby Boy and my Oldest Boy…
Speaking of Baby Boy, this past weekend things seemed to change between him and OB… Rather than BB always seeming like a victim to OB picking on him, BB started fighting back… and instigating! The whole situation was irritating, the way it always is, but it made me feel like I didn't always have to jump in to defend BB. If he's going to start a fight with OB, he'll need to learn how to handle that fight. Obviously we'll jump in if things get out of control or too rough… but if it's simply a matter of the boys getting into a "Yes! No!" game, they can sort it out. I have the funniest picture of me and the boys next to the bonfire in our yard last Saturday night. I'm smiling into the camera with OB on my lap wrestling with BB who is on my other side. It definitely seems to capture the chaos in our lives.