Holiday Expectations

Our first Christmas in our first house, I decided that we should have Christmas at home that year.  So we invited both of our families to join us.  I made it into such a huge deal in my head that it (of course) resulted in disaster.  I wanted the day to be perfect for everyone.  Instead, I spent the day with a black cloud hanging over my head.  No one showed up as early as I had hoped.  Then my parents showed up first.  We didn't know when my in-laws would arrive, so we went ahead and opened gifts.  My in-laws arrived close to the time we told them we'd be eating.  So we quickly opened their gifts and then it was onto meal preparations.  Our mothers had asked what they could bring, so we told my mother pie and DH's mother dressing.  I expected the dressing to arrive in a casserole dish ready to be popped into the oven.  But no, it arrived in pieces and had to be assembled.  So that meant my MIL was squeezed into our tiny galley kitchen with DH and I.  And of course she didn't know where anything was, so we were trying to help her with the dressing, all the while trying to prepare dinner for eight.  Then once the meal was over, everyone was like, "Let's do the dishes!"  "Let's clean up!"  "Oh, come on, let us clean up!"  Finally I lost it and snapped at everyone to leave the G.D. dishes alone, they can be done later, just relax and enjoy the day.  Merry effing Christmas!  

We haven't tried to host Christmas at our place since.

...Until this year.  

But, I'm going into this a bit more relaxed.  My first and foremost priority is BB.  I don't want his memories of his childhood Christmases to be of mommy snapping at everyone and rushing around all day.  So I'm planning to keep my cool, and make the day all about him.  Because, for us, and our entire family I'm sure, it is all about BB.  I told myself that I have no expectations for the day, other than for BB to have a good day.  

But I realized today that I did have some expectations that I wasn't aware of.  I found out that my brother may not be here for Christmas.  I totally can understand that he might be spending Christmas with his girlfriend's family; however, I still felt disappointed that he might be missing BB's first Christmas.  In all of my mental images of Christmas day, he was always there.  I feel bad that I don't get to see much of him, even though he lives here in town.  I feel bad that he isn't spending a lot of time with BB.  We've asked him to take BB if the unthinkable ever happens to us.  I wish that he had more time to spend with him now, so that they have a fab relationship if something terrible ever were to happen.  

I'm trying to let go of the expectations that I didn't even realize that I had for this Christmas.