Tuesday, August 3, 2010

My jack-in-the-box

I was having one of *those* days today. Frustrated with everything. Little patience.

My mother came to watch the kids for a short time while I ran to town for a few things. I figured that would give me a chance to shake off whatever it was that was bringing me down, but instead, I came home even more irritated.

XH arrived and chatting with him restored my inner peace a bit. I had just mentioned something to him about H, and speak of the devil, guess who calls?!

He and I have been chatting on MSN on and off since mid June. Recently it's been at least a few times a week. The only time we've talked on the phone since May was that night in June when he called in the middle of the night... and I later found out that he and his girlfriend had broken up that weekend, but got back together after.

I assumed that our MSN conversations were on the sly. I figured that she was the reason why we were no longer real friends. Why he so harshly ditched me back in May. I never asked for confirmation on any of this though... I knew he probably wouldn't tell me the truth, and if he did tell me the truth, I'd be forced to make a decision as to how I felt about being his secret friend.

So tonight's hour long conversation actually contained a huge apology for everything that went down in May. He told me that he had been an ass and that he had treated me unfairly. My initial instinct was to say, "Oh, no you didn't! It's okay." But I refrained. Dude hurt me. Not just once. So when he said that he had been an ass and had treated me unfairly, I agreed with him. Because it's true.

Not surprisingly, they have broken up again. So of course, who gets a phone call?

I also received confirmation on all of my suspicions. She couldn't handle him being friends with me, so he wasn't allowed to talk to me. Our MSN conversations were on the sly. He claims it was because he wanted to know how I was doing.

I didn't ask for confirmation on XH's suspicion of me being "Plan A-". He'd never admit to that anyway.

So we talked for an hour. I laughed harder than I have in a while. I didn't bother sugar coating my hurt feelings. In fact, I rubbed them in his face at every opportunity. Later this evening over MSN, he suggested we go for a drink sometime so I can "rag his ass out" and get it out of my system.

Why can't I stay angry with him? I think XH thinks I'm crazy for being so happy tonight. I'm happy to have my buddy back though. I get that I'm obviously not the girl for him (otherwise, he wouldn't have cast me aside twice!) but we have so much fun together. I've thought so many times since May, "Oh, H would find this so funny!" or "I wish I could tell H this." All that said though, my trust level isn't exactly high... far too many lies have come from his lips.

Is it wrong of me to hope they don't get back together again? It's definitely selfish of me. But if they do, I'm stuck being the secret friend again, and now that I have confirmation that I'm the secret friend, I will have to decide whether I'm okay with that or not. I've always told him that I'm a friend 'til the end. I'll never revoke that promise, but I don't like the idea of hiding the fact that I'm friends with someone.

It's too late. I need to stop over thinking all of this and just be happy that another one of the "wrongs" in my world has been righted. Interestingly enough, it was seven months ago today that we met. That's a lot of ups and downs in seven months.


The Original Princess said...

Everyone needs somebody to make them laugh and it's good things have been made right - as long as you're okay with it. But you do not deserve to be the secret friend.

Independent Chick said...

Ditto what Princess says.