Tuesday, January 4, 2011


I had good intentions of doing some sort of a 2010 close-out post. A FB friend even had a good note posted that posed questions I wanted to reflect on. But I haven't gotten to it yet. Like so many things in my life... good intentions, little time.

I told myself that I was done bellyaching about H here. I hadn't seen him since November, but as I've mentioned before, we talk/text/MSN pretty much daily. He's become one of my closest friends... I'd say there are four people I'd put in that inner circle. It's a bit amusing that he's there considering how he's treated me over the last year. But like I said to him tonight, as much as I like to remind him about how poorly he's treated me, it matters little compared to the present. And presently, he's being a great friend to me. My reason for not wanting to bellyache about H here, is that if anyone new who comes into my life happens to read any of this, I wouldn't want them to think that I'm still so hung up on him that I'm not able to move on. Because trust me, I am ready, willing, and able to move on. I just need a reason to do so.

He came over tonight and brought supper, which was so nice of him. We had originally talked about going out, but for several reasons that I'm not really prepared to write about (it's coming... eventually. Just not ready to sit down and try to put it all into words and see it in black and white...) he came over instead. We did our usual sitting on the couch and gabbing thing. I can say pretty much anything to this guy. And I know he feels the same way about me. We dissected his current relationship. We dissected everything that's happened so far with Bachelor D, who I'm meeting tomorrow night, and Bachelor B who I've been spending a considerable amount of time getting to know lately, and will be seeing again on Thursday.

The funny thing is, so many of the things that he's told me about his girlfriend are things that make her sound just like me. I'm sure there are lots of differences, but wow... It leaves me wondering why he wouldn't give something with me a shot.

He called (as usual) after he left and we talked while he drove home. He told me that tonight was the first time that he's come over and didn't feel like there was something underlying besides friendship. And it's true... when he walked in, and even as we visited, I saw him as my (very handsome) friend sitting there.

Anyway, while on the phone, he was asking me about my motivation with Bachelor B, since I don't see it as having the potential to be something long term. He kept asking "why" questions. In answering his questions, I almost ended up in tears. Not because of anything he said, just admitting my motivations out loud.

And now... I'm wishing that I just had a chance with him. Instead, I'm making plans to have dinner with him and his girlfriend within the next week or two. His friendship means a lot to me, and I'm not going to let the emotions get in the way... eventually I will actually find someone who rocks my world, and those what-if thoughts will go away permanently. I managed to banish them for almost a month this time, right? And really, I'm happy that he's happy with her. He deserves to be happy.

The plan is to keep pushing forward. Meeting people. Moving on. Eventually it will stick.


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