Thursday, March 3, 2011

On staying positive

I've been playing head-games with myself ever since last night.

Had a fun date with Bachelor F. Had a glass of beer at the restaurant, followed by a bottle of wine, and then we drank a second bottle of wine after coming back to my place. To say I was drunk would be an understatement. Somehow I ended up questioning our future together. (It's all a bit fuzzy.) Pushing to find out when he would "know" that he is ready to move things to the next level. I wasn't expecting it to be today or tomorrow, I was just trying to get a feel for how slow or quickly he moves. Are we looking at weeks or months? Longer? Anyway, what he ended up telling me was that pressure pushes him away. And after that, the entire tone of the evening changed. Then somehow the topic of H came up. He wanted to know the story, then he didn't want to know the story. I ended up telling it, but in my drunken state I don't know how well he was able to follow it. Fuck. When we went to bed it felt like there was a wall between us.

It could have just been that it was almost 2am, we were both drunk, and neither of us have been getting much sleep lately. Or, it could be that I successfully managed to mess this up.

Today we haven't talked much, but he hasn't been very communicative. I do know that he's exhausted though... so maybe I'm just being my usual fearing-the-worst self.

What I'm trying to tell myself is that he is a thinker, so he's not going to act without thinking it through. And when you think it through, why would someone end something that is showing such promise because one person effed up and pushed too hard? We snuggle together asking, "Is this weird?" referring to the connection we seem to have instantly and effortlessly developed. How could someone give up on that potential, right?

Chances are he has distanced himself a bit. I need to be patient. Patience doesn't come easily to me. However, I believe that he is worth the wait. I know, it's not even been two weeks yet. But we've spent a lot of time together, and it's all felt so amazingly intense. I'm not used to feeling this connected with someone without sex being involved. Usually sex creates that (sometimes false) bond with the other person. This feels real.

Maybe the H story is bothering him. It would probably bother me if the tables were turned. I'm not sure how to deal with all of that. I made a promise to H to always be his friend, but at this point, if I had to choose, I'd choose Bachelor F. Just a week ago I told Bachelor F the opposite. Amazing how things can change in a week. H would never forgive me if he knew this.

When he stopped by after work to pick up his pup, I felt my heart soar when I saw his smile and his beautiful blue eyes. I asked for a kiss, and it felt like he didn't want to. He quickly gave me one on my cheek, telling me he'd say hello later. I saw him on MSN a short while ago so I said hi and asked how things were going... he said he was tired and cranky and very busy. I told him that I wouldn't bug then, and he said again that he'd say hello later.

I've been reflecting. Wondering why it was that I even pushed him. I obviously was having a moment of insecurity where I felt that I needed reassurance. Standing back and looking at it now, the reassurance was right there next to me on the couch. He wouldn't have been here if he wasn't feeling something. I wish I had recognized that insecurity and simply asked for reassurance, rather than being all creepy and wondering about our future together.

I feel bad for pushing. I want to apologize because I feel terrible for making him uncomfortable. But I don't necessarily want to turn it into an even bigger deal than it already has been. And maybe, just maybe, this isn't even on his radar tonight. Just mine.

I like his openness. I like his mature approach to relationships. I like that he has a very silly and fun side. I like that he values hard work, but also takes time to play. I like that he is caring and affectionate. I like that he feels he should respond when he hears BG cry in the night. He is smart, funny, and cute. I am so very attracted to him. I like how I feel when I am with him. I've never met anyone remotely similar to him before. I like him.

Patience patience patience.
Don't fuck this up.
Good things come to those who wait.

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