Thursday, March 17, 2011

To blog or not to blog

I've been avoiding writing recently. Or at least writing with the depth that I normally do. I told Bachelor F up front about the whole blog thing, because I was afraid it could cause a problem down the road. He said he was cool with it. I asked if he'd be willing to get to know me first in real life before reading, because I was afraid something I've written here at a particular point in time would be applied to me now, when it really is no longer the case. There's a lot of emotion here, most of which is no longer relevant beyond being a part of what makes me who I am today. He agreed, and said it would be a long time before he ever read it.

Last week he said that he wanted to read it. Then in the next breath said that he didn't. Then he asked what I write about. Do I write about him? I tried to explain that it's more emotional writing than anything else, and that yes, he's been mentioned, but not anything directly about him, more of how he has affected my life, how I feel about it, etc. Do I mention him by name? No, I don't mention anyone by name. Although, I guess there are a few people I mention... but only because they use their real names online and it's clear that we're friends (I'm looking at you Stephen. Miranda and Natalie would also fall into this category too, even if I haven't directly mentioned them yet.)

Anyway... I get the feeling he's uneasy about it. It's made me feel like I shouldn't write about anything regarding him or our relationship. All the stuff I wrote about XH was written with his permission. H is in the dark about the blog, so everything written about him was without consent, but I was also careful not to actually share his story, like I did with XH. As for Bachelor F, I know he doesn't "get" how much this outlet has helped me over the past couple of years. But without showing this to him, there's no way he could even begin to fathom it. And I probably become a bit defensive when he brings it up. I'm a bit protective of it.

So I feel that I need to refrain from writing much about him. But I do have stuff that needs to get out....

Right now I feel a bit lost. I'm not sure where I stand with him. When things are good they feel great. But so often he's distant. I know it's due to his own stress, unrelated (I believe) to me. And I recall him telling me once before we met, or maybe shortly after, that he sometimes needs space to deal with that. I'm trying hard to be patient. Really really hard. And if he'd just flat out say, "Hey, it's nothing to do with you, I just need to deal with this." then I'd probably be fine. But instead, I feel like I'm being pushed aside. I'm lonely. I need physical closeness. I need reassurance, but am afraid to ask for it... since I drove him away a couple of weeks ago I often feel as if I've been walking on eggshells. Afraid of pushing too hard... being too needy or clingy. I don't want to add to his stress by bringing any of this up. I'm just trying to ride things out and see where they all settle, then assess how it all feels.

I find it rather funny (not haha funny) that one of the primary things that draws me to him is also the thing driving me away.

It feels like we have so much potential for something good. I have felt significantly calmer since meeting him. It's like he's taught me how to relax again. It's been a long time since I've done that. We get along. We have similar values. I look at him and feel myself go all squishy inside.

Three and a half weeks isn't long enough to make a call in either direction. I feel myself getting nervous as we near the one month mark... it was exactly one month to the day of meeting H that he broke up with me. (The "four week wonder" is what we joke about now.)

It's odd... usually by now I'm so deep in love and certain that I'll be with the person forever. In this case, I really am taking it day to day. I do know that I care about him very deeply, but can't begin to try to determine whether it will only be a short while or a lifetime together. I think if it weren't for the incident a couple weeks ago, I probably would be so in love and planning on forever... but now I'm cautious. If he wants it, my heart is his... but he hasn't really asked for it or made any indication of letting me know that he might be interested in really even examining it.

I'm left wondering how we move from "this" to being in a long-term relationship. Maybe this really is building the foundation and I've just never experienced it like this before? Maybe that is what will make this actually endure the long haul?

I need to stop questioning things. Give it time. For H, I waited a year for nothing. At least I do get something from Bachelor F. Just not as much as I'd like right now.


I really do like him. A lot. I just feel like I need some reassurance and don't know how (or if) I should ask for it.

(I've turned off the comments on this one... for once, I really don't want feedback. I just needed the release. There are a handful of you that can contact me directly if you're so inclined to throw in your two cents.)