Writing in this space feels so odd now. I want to write. I want to share all of the good in my life. I want to gripe about the odd thing that in the big scheme of things doesn't really matter. I want to share my insecurities, as well as the things that I am certain of. I want to share all the funny and sweet things BB and BG say and do. I want to share some of the meaningful things that MB says to me that turn me into goo.
But at the same time, I don't want to share it. I want to keep it all to myself… wrap myself up in it. Maybe even protect myself from being hurt by not sharing. I fear though that I'll someday forget all of these warm fuzzies… BB getting ready for bed and giving me a hug and asking if I'm happy. …BG wrapping her arms tight around my neck, and pressing her cheek to mine before I put her to bed. …MB's boy telling me that he loves me while I give him snuggles in his bed while he's sick. …MB sending me messages over Skype while he's away telling me that his life would not be complete without me and that he wants to age with me.
I once again have more than many people could ever believe possible. A couple years ago thought I had everything… And then it felt like I had lost so much. But now… now it feels like I truly do have everything.
I've never felt love like this before. I've never felt or given this depth of devotion to anyone before. I've never felt this loved before. I feel like every bit of love I feel towards him, he reciprocates. I don't know if I've ever truly been loved prior to this. But now I feel loved. I see the way he sometimes looks at me… I've never seen love in someone's eyes before now. I often see it at what feels like the strangest times… when I'm drunkenly singing… or making him a late-night grilled cheese sandwich… It makes no sense, yet it makes perfect sense.
He tells me he wants to marry me. That he will marry me. That he's never wanted to be with someone the way he wants to be with me. I'm not pushing for anything. Do I want to marry him? Yes. With all of my heart. Will I ask that he marry me? No. Will I pressure him to marry me? Definitely not. Prior to him telling me that he wanted to marry me, I felt indifferent… I recall a telephone conversation early on where we both said we'd only ever marry (again, in my case) if there was something very special about the other person. I feel like I've found my very special person… the person I thought never existed. The person I thought couldn't possibly exist. I want to scream from mountaintops that I love him and that I'm his girl.
Today I received my official divorce judgment… dated August 10. It's over. I'm free to move on. Sure, I've already moved on, but now I have closure. I also have the satisfaction of knowing that I took control of a situation that I felt I had no control over. When I was reviewing the documents prior to signing them last month, I had a moment of difficulty looking at my marriage certificate one last time. I remembered the small snow storm that day and our handful of friends that were there with us. I remembered hoping that we were doing the right thing, but knowing that it could be undone if it wasn't. Sounds awful now…
As usual, I have no idea what the future holds, but I've finally closed that chapter. I'm not sure how this new one will unfold, but I hope it doesn't end for a very very long time…. I'm looking for a happy ending this time – for all of us.