Thursday, January 8, 2009

How to Hurt My Feelings

I've finally uploaded a pic of myself.  It's a bit abstract, but it's me.  I wanted to put something there, but wasn't really comfortable putting an actual pic of myself up for all of the Internet to see.  I'm sure a lot of people who know me would be able to figure out it's me writing this stuff just by the stuff I say, and all of the DH and BB references, and that's fine, but I don't really want to scream to the world, "Hey, it's me!  Read the stuff I don't want to tell you in real life!"  ;o)

The pic is taken from a silly pic that I took of myself with my brother in the summer.  I cropped him out and changed the colour to B&W, and did some sort of movie effect to it.  Anyway, the result was exactly what I had in mind.  It looks very stereotypical though, and that kind of makes me laugh.  So just for a joke today, I sent the pic to DH over MSN with a message saying, "am i seksy?  lol."  I was expecting him to laugh at me.  Maybe even say, "sure" just to appease me.  The response I received?  "you used to be"  WTF???  Ouch.  Nice thing to say to your wife.  I sent him a bunch of question marks, and he said, "that picture is not hot for me"  Well, la tee da.  

I know I was just doing it to be silly, but it hurt. Ever since then, I've been wondering when things changed for him.  Or maybe all he was talking about was the picture.  I couldn't ask for any more detail from him; I was too upset.  I just tried to brush it off and sent a couple messages about the specials this week at the Superstore, but he never replied again.  I ended up taking BB down to the bedroom for a cuddle and a cry.  BB looked at me like I was crazy (I guess he probably doesn't remember the first month of his life when I cried non-stop!) and then... get this...  he LAUGHS AT ME!  Kick me while I'm down!  I know he probably thought I was just being my usual silly self, trying to make him laugh but at the time it only made me cry more!  

I usually don't have body confidence issues.  I lost a bunch of weight before I got pregnant, and looked fantastic.  There's only one thing about myself that I wish I could change, but I don't have the money or the guts, so I'll always have my crooked teeth.  I gained 60 lbs while I was pregnant, and I looked like a beached whale.  But I've lost all of that weight.  I'm not toned like I was, but that will come with a bit of effort.  Tonight though, I'm wondering, am I completely unsexy?

Now I'm left wondering, should I try to put myself out there and find my sexy again and risk being told that I'm not, or should I just continue being the frumpy mom in jeans that are too big for her, a lumpy hoody sweatshirt, a little pony tail, and a headband?  At this point, I'm opting for the safe bet.  

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