Thursday, February 19, 2009

Blue Wrapped in White

It's snowing again.  This winter, the snow hasn't bothered me.  I haven't had anywhere to go.  Let it snow.  Today though, it seems exceptionally dark.  We're almost out of wood, and electric heat isn't the same, so I'm feeling a bit chilly.  

The whole work thing is starting to seem more and more real every day.  Some days I have the "I can make this work!" attitude.  Days like today I just want to cry.  If I stay home with BB and find an evening job, will I have any energy for life?  I'm one of those people who needs at least eight hours of sleep to properly function.  I need to take a sick day every couple of months.  Not because I'm sick, but because I need a day to recharge my batteries.  If I choose this path, that will not be an option.  

I've said it before... I can't stand the idea of someone else raising BB.  It's our job.  But will my time with him be quality?  If I take an evening job we won't have the family suppers that I planned on.  If I take an evening job, I won't be here for bedtime.  But if I take an evening job, will I have the energy to give BB the best days possible?  

Why can't I have it all?  The money and the time with BB?  Okay, I know why, but just indulge me in my whineyness.  

I responded to another kijiji ad today.  I hadn't contacted anyone since the week I met with my manager.  This daycare is about seven minutes from home.  The ad was worded nicely and there were no spelling mistakes.  Yes, that is important to me.  If you can't spell well enough to post an ad on kijiji, you're not going to be spending all day every day with my son.  None of the other ads I had responded to really worked out due to location.  Location won't be an issue with this one.  I'll need to find another excuse not to like it.  

DH and I need to sit down and figure out exactly what we need in order to make this work.  I don't know where to start.  I'm overwhelmed, emotional and I can't think straight.


Independent Chick said...

Have faith that it will work out because it will. And if it doesn't, change it. No harm, no foul. It will be ok. XX

Emilie said...

That's a tough decision to make. With my first, I went back to work part-time. Now, with 3, I work a couple evenings per week out of my home. It's hard because my husband has pretty much taken over with bed duty, which I love, but it gives them a special time with their dad, too. I do electrolysis and that fits my work needs. Now, with the internet, it's easier to find an office job you can do at home. Or, even keeping a couple kids at your house (pays pretty good when you compare it to working out, paying daycare, gas, etc). Maybe that would be an option for you? Oh, and, a really good book is "The Miserly Mom" - you can get it at the library.

LLW said...

I don't have children yet; but I think about when I do and how I'd love to stay at home and work part-time and I think the time you'll have with BB that you can never get back will be completely worth it.
He's only going to be a baby once; and you'll be so appreciative, and happy to see him each morning that you won't be able to not make the most of that special time.
Will you have to work every evening? If not, there will definitely be those nights you will be able to have suppers together and can do family things. And if you could work strictly through the week, and not on weekends...then you'd have your weekends to regenerate - I'm sure daddy will want to take BB out Saturday for an a.m. outing? or maybe a grandparent would want BB for an outing etc. Your partner will be there to help you in those times. :)
I don't know if any of this was helpful, but I hope so? :)

cuddles said...

I am completely overwhelmed by the support I received from the three of you. Thank you so much.

Independent Chick, you're right. And I keep trying to remind myself that if I discover that the option I go with isn't the right one, things can be undone to a certain extent. xo

Emilie, I've considered keeping a couple of kids, but I keep talking myself out of it. I live outside of the city, so if a parent were to choose to leave their child with me, there's a good chance they'd have to drive out of their way to do so. Plus we have several pets, and I see so many people advertising "pet-free" environments in their childcare ads, so I'm guessing that's something else that people are looking for. But without putting feelers out there, I really shouldn't use those as reasons not to do it. Thanks for the recommendation on the book. Next time BB and I make a trip to town, we will need to stop by the library so I can check it out.

breathin', You're right. You're so incredibly right. I think you helped me make up my mind. And now that having a second child has been ruled out, I'm even more determined to not miss a second of BB's life. There's no re-dos on this stuff. The work schedule would really depend on what I can find and what the pay is like. I'm really hoping that if I work evenings but get to spend every day with BB, the regeneration will be less necessary than it was when I was working at a very stressful job.

Thanks again, everyone. <3