DH and I normally hang out together Saturday night. We play games, have a snack, chat, etc. The rest of the week we tend to go in our separate directions most nights, and on occasion I'll join him in front of the TV with the poochies.
Last night neither of us was feeling up to a game, so we decided just to have a snack and a chat. I had just received a response from the babysitter I had contacted on Thursday and was feeling cornered again about having to make a decision about the whole returning to work thing. So we finally started talking out our options. After lots of tears on my part, we eventually we came to the decision that I need to decide either way within the next few days whether I'm going back full-time, or whether I'm going to stay home with BB during the day and find a way to make $X on the side (most likely evening work of some sort) and then start working on making it happen.
I'm pretty sure I've mentioned before, I really really really want another baby. I have so many reasons. I've been afraid to bring it up though, because DH wasn't exactly keen on having BB. Yes, he was in agreement to it, but he was only doing it for me. So as long as I didn't bring up the subject of having another baby, my dream couldn't be crushed. However, if we were going to have a second child, it would make sense for me to return to work full-time and try to get pregnant right away so that I wouldn't miss out on too much time with BB, and so that they'd be close in age. By returning to work full-time, I'd get EI benefits to help us get through another year. Since we were talking about options and whatnot, I knew that I had to bring this up.
And then my little imagined world of what our future will be like came crashing down around me. At first I thought he was going to agree. But no, it didn't happen. The little bursts of conversation and tears and sobs and heartbreaking went on until almost 23:00. I know he has his reasons. I get that. And I get that kids were never a part of his master plan.
My heart is breaking for BB because he's never going to know what it's like to be close to a sibling. It breaks for myself... I have so much love to give to another baby. I now know how amazing it is to be a mom. When I was pregnant with BB, I didn't look forward to him being born, because I didn't know how much I would love him. I want to do it again and actually be excited about the baby's arrival. And when BB was born, I only got to hold him for a moment before they whisked him away to NICU for most of the entire first day of his life. I know that overall it didn't affect our bond, but I feel like I really missed on something by not getting to spend that first day together. My heart breaks for us as a family.
I feel as if I am mourning the loss of a child I never even had. I don't know how this makes sense.
When I view our family in my head, it's like there's this extra spot... it's blank right now and has something like, "insert child here" written over it. It feels so weird knowing that it's going to be blank forever.
I don't know how else to put what I'm feeling into words. I just re-read everything I've written and it reads so empty compared to how I'm feeling.
It's so odd... having so much in common with one person, being so compatible with that person, loving that person so fully, yet being not on a different page, but an entirely different book on one topic that is so important.
And on top of all this, we quit flyball this weekend. If I go back to work full-time, I can't leave BB on the weekend to go to practice or tournaments. If I don't go back to work, we can't afford to go away to tournaments. It's lose-lose. We both feel terrible for disappointing the team, and having to give up something we both love so much. In the end, it's all worth it for BB, but it's still hard to walk away from so many great friends.