I've been having a completely terrible month. I guess my last post kind of made that known. What's gone wrong? Where should I start? It's gone from minor to major. It started with bad service at one of my favourite restaurants (yes, that's obviously minor.) Then there was a confrontation with a co-worker. And by confrontation, I mean she became a complete tyrant who refused to listen to reason or accept any responsibility for a problem within her department. Then I got food poisoning from my other favourite restaurant. The same afternoon I was home sick with the food poisoning, my babysitter told me she's planning to return to work in January, so I'll need to find a new sitter for BB for my last two months of work. (Does anyone remember the hard time I had finding someone I trusted him with in the first place?) Then the following week, DH went away on a trip. While he was away, I ended up with a flat tire on the van, and then when I went to meet BB's new babysitter, I lost the front tire in her ditch while I was backing out of her driveway.
All of that was crappy to say the least.
But then DH came back from his trip. I was so relieved he was home safe and sound. For some reason, I had a terrible feeling about this trip. I was constantly expecting an RCMP officer to come to my door to say that he had been in an accident while on the road. The past week was a good one. He was home; I thought we were all happy. I had a wonderful appointment with my OB last Wednesday that gave me some much needed closure on things I've been thinking about my labour with BB. (On a side note, it would be so ideal if it were possible to have a "debriefing" appointment with your OB a few months after delivery. Seriously, I got a lot of closure at this appointment last week.) The three of us had what I thought was an amazing day on Saturday. A family trip to the grocery store, lots of time together, BB was happy playing with DH while I made us all a yummy supper (a rare event in our house.)
And then BB went to bed. And DH broke up with me. Turned out the terrible feeling I had about his trip was bang-on. He used his time away to do some serious thinking.
How can things seem so perfect and not be? Why did I have no inclination that this was coming? Why doesn't he love me anymore?
He and I are grieving through this together. He's still my best friend and says I'm his. We hold each other and cry. We cry for each other. We cry for BB and BN2. We cry for ourselves.
This is not your typical break up.
This sort of stuff doesn't happen to us. It doesn't happen to me. Now I'll be a single mom to two kids under the age of two.
I truly don't believe he's going to abandon us any more than he already has. I believe him when he promises that he wants to be there for the kids and wants to provide for them. But I also believed that he loved me. But then, I think he also believed it too.
I go from sobbing to hoping for a good future for my children and myself. I occasionally feel resentment towards DH for putting us through this. But generally, I feel sad for him. For all of us.
I'm so worried about BN2. Hopefully she's strong and survives this period of stress. Her movements have become much stronger lately. A few days ago I wanted to eat all of the food in the world; now I'm forcing myself to eat for her sake. Sleep isn't coming easily right now. But there's only been two nights of sleep since it happened. Perhaps tonight will be a bit better.
I'm relieved that it is me that he no longer loves, and that none of this has anything to do with his feelings towards BB. I'm happy that BB has two parents who love him more than anything in the world. I'm happy that BB has two parents who are determined to ensure he has the best upbringing possible, even though we are no longer together.
My image of our perfect future is shattered. My heart is broken for all of us.