Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Removing A Chunk of Previous Post

I'm moving my previous post to the locked-down-no-one-sees-it-blog. It has a lot of the details that belong to DH that I needed to record for my own healing.

The gist: DH has been cheating on me since September.

Here is a repost of what I posted at 02:30 this morning, but with some details removed...

I am a fool.

I need to do this post properly, yet it's 02:30, and I really should be in bed. I'm not sure if I'll be able to sleep though.

While DH was bathing BB on Christmas Eve (before he left for his outing with his "friend") he received a text message. He told me that it was just his "friend" sending him directions. Christmas morning I did something I shouldn't have done. DH left his phone in the bathroom when he returned home early Christmas morning, so I looked into his text messages, because I was curious where she lived. Instead of directions, her message was asking him if he wanted to play a game that night. Huh? I thought they were looking at Christmas lights. And I thought that she sent him directions. Vibrating, I checked his sent messages to see what he had in there. The only message was from a few weeks ago when our power was out, and he told her that the power was out, that he couldn't call, and it was ended with "goodnight love". HUH? At this point, I marched downstairs and confronted him. He told me that the game thing was just an inside joke (that I'm guessing my small mind wouldn't understand) and that they did look at Christmas lights. While down there, I noticed an empty wine glass on the floor and asked about that. Turned out he had a glass the night of the 23rd, but then lied about it the next morning, when I congratulated him on his five nights of sobriety. This put me over the edge. We spent most of Christmas morning discussing everything again and again. He promised that he wouldn't lie to me again (another lie as you'll see.) I asked him about his outgoing message, and he said that it was just a term of endearment (that he picked up off a friend of ours who calls his dogs and female friends "love") but that he didn't love her, and didn't have those sorts of feelings towards her and that he wasn't getting that vibe from her either.

Fast forward to tonight. I went to a movie with N and her husband, and a while after I returned home, he came upstairs and confessed everything. Or what I hope is everything. Because if this keeps getting drawn out any longer I may go crazy. Turns out he posted an ad back in September looking for something. He won't tell me what, but it was something specific and if he tells me that he'll be invading her privacy. (Eff her privacy, I say. I want the closure.) Anyway, she responded to the ad (and this is where I deleted out the details of their meetings.) I am gonig to mention; however, that he took her with him on his trip to Virginia. (You know, the one where he had the "epiphany" that he no longer loved me?) And that was supposed to be the end of their fling though because she didn't want to be involved in a relationship with a married man. He claims that he didn't love her then. And that when he broke up with me, they were no longer together, and that when he said he was breaking up with me because he no longer loved me, he meant it, that it wasn't because of her. The Kijiji ad that he posted looking for a friend? All a fake just to fool me. Job well done. He told me tonight that when I asked him on Christmas morning if he loved her that he could have said yes. When I outright asked, he told me that hey had sex on Christmas eve (after lying once that no, they hadn't.)

I knew something didn't seem quite right... wasn't adding up. But every time I'd squeeze something else out of him, he'd promise that he was done with the lying.

In all honesty, once again, I'm relieved to know the truth. I feel like this has given me a bit more closure. I'm much more angry with him now though, yet I still care about him.

I don't know what is truth and what is a lie anymore. He swears that she is the only person he's even cheated on me with. But again, do I believe him? What reason does he have to lie about that? But what reason did he have to lie about the lies about the lies?

He wants out of the house now. My initial reaction was to kick him out tonight, but I managed to bite my tongue. I can't handle the dogs plus BB on top of being pregnant. I need to play my cards right and try not to say or do anything that is going to make life even more complicated. I've also considered cutting him out of the children's lives, since I really don't want his mess spilling over on to them. But I'm not sure if that's the right thing for the children. He thinks that he'll be able to stop drinking once he's out of the house. I wish I could believe in him, but I can't right now. Because right now he's just looking to get out, even if that means renting a room and coming over here several times a day to take care of the poor dogs. (Don't worry folks, I'll try to give them as much love and freedom as I can when he's not around.) I predict that if he's still drinking then, it will be blamed on the fact that he still has to come here so frequently, and that once that's over with, he'll be okay. And so on and so on. He claims that he's made a promise to himself that if he does "slip" once he's out of the house, regardless of the situation, he's going to get counselling. I hope he does. I wish he would regardless.

I told him tonight that I don't want him there for the birth of BN2. He's okay with it and understands. I'm going to ask my brother's gf who has been such a huge support to me through all of this. Hopefully she'll be able to do it. I may change my mind in the meantime, but right now the idea of him makes me feel dirty. To think that he was fooling around with her (I'm really working hard here to not call her mean names because really, although she knew the situation, it's really his fault) and still sleeping with me. Accepting my love and my kisses. BNL has a line in one of their songs with has always resonated with me, "It's cruel, unusual punishment to kiss fingerprinted skin." It's funny that the line has been going through my head a lot lately. I feel dirty. I worry that she might not be clean. I might talk to the doctor about it the next time I'm in.

I feel like such a fool. I've defended him to so many people. I've wanted people to not hate him, since he's still the father to my children. I still don't want people to hate him for that exact reason, but I certainly do have less respect for him now. It will be harder to defend him now. But I don't want to get in the habit of bashing him at every opportunity. There isn't room in my heart for all of that bitterness. That sort of stuff eats at the very core of your being and changes who you are. And like I said, I do still care.

Did he tell me because he wanted me to know? No. He told me to lighten his load. But I'd rather know the truth than find out tidbits slowly over time, or to have to live with the suspicions.

You know, I just remembered something... he told me one time that he'd never cheat on me, because his ex cheated on him and he remembered how terrible that felt and would never do that to me. Heh. Another promise broken.


The Original Princess said...

Hoooolllly. I'm not sure anyone should be handing you advice but I'm gonig to do it anyway. You need to forget about his feelings and let yours flow. Be angry if you're angry, be sad if you're sad. Let it out. You need to do what is necessary for YOU and your children.
All through this divorce of mine, I've put everyone elses needs before my own. Don't do it. Put yourself frist. By taking care of yourself, and doing/getting what you need, you will in turn be stronger for your kids.
As I've said before, you have people around you who have been through similar situations...don't be afraid to reach out.

Take care.

ML said...

Big bone crunching hugs!!! Just know that there are no right or wrong feelings and you need to do what you feel is right for YOU! Know that I am keeping you in my heart and wishing you strength through all of this.

xo m

Independent Chick said...

Broken trust is hard to recover from...I know. Sometimes you meerly have to forgive to maintain sanity but you never forget.

Keep your chin up doll. Do what you need to do to get you through all of this. Like Princess said, reach out. Don't do it alone. You have lots of people who care about you.