Thursday, December 24, 2009

Keep it together

It seems cheap and tacky to post this blog entry tonight--Christmas Eve. Everyone I know is with their families tonight, continuing their Christmas traditions. Happy. All of their Facebook statuses are wishing everyone a merry Christmas. I can't even bring myself to update mine. I don't want to put something negative and draw attention to myself, but I can't pretend to be happy. I'm so sick of pretending for everyone else's sake. I don't know where else to turn but here to my blog. I don't even know how to express the emptiness I am feeling and have been feeling. This entry is probably going to seem as random and disjointed as I'm feeling, but whatever. I need to do something or else I may lose my mind or do something a little bit crazy that I can never take back. Maybe this will get me over the hump of tonight.

I'm sitting here alone. BB is in bed. DH (gawd, I need to come up with a new name for him. "The man I love with all my heart yet have been feeling so incredibly angry with lately"? A bit too long...) just headed out to meet up with his new "friend" in SJ to look at Christmas lights with her. (He claims they're just friends, and he hasn't gotten anything but friendship vibes from her... but that doesn't make it any easier on me when he's choosing to spend his time with another female.) Yes, I could have asked my parents to come out, but somehow that just seems even more lonely to me. And more frustrating, because they I have to put on that damn happy face. The "everything is going to be okay" face. The "at least I still have BB and BN2" face. The "at least DH and I are still friends" face. I'm f*cking sick of putting on those faces for everyone. I want to scream to the world that I'm miserable, that I'm lonely, that there are many times where I don't even want to live anymore. The only thing keeping me holding on is BB. It seems like an awful lot of responsibility for someone who is only 19 months old. But if I tell the world that I'm feeling this way, it just turns me into a spectacle. It makes my parents worry and in turn, drive me even crazier.

I hate that I feel so guilty about everything. DH is sad that he's spending a Christmas afternoon alone. He's afraid he's going to drink. He normally doesn't give a care about Christmas. I was always the one that made it into a big production. For some reason he suddenly does care this year. Had I known that he was worried about how he'd handle the day, I wouldn't have told my parents that BB and I would be down for the afternoon for Christmas dinner, etc. I would have just stayed here in an effort to help distract him. But then I feel so much anger at feeling that guilt. After all, he left me here alone curled in a ball on the love seat sobbing my heart out because I'm alone on Christmas eve. He's the one that doesn't love ME anymore. Why the hell do I still have to love him so gawddamned much? Why do I constantly consider his feelings? Why do I wish I could save him? He certainly didn't give me that sort of consideration. I feel guilty that I got angry when he left. I was tidying up BB's toys in the living room so that it doesn't look like a complete disaster when I take pics of BB opening his gifts tomorrow morning, and I got so angry at him that I took BB's little Mega Block truck and whipped it across the room and into his toy box. He told me that I won't be alone tomorrow night. I told him that I'm alone every night now. He said that he'd spend the evening upstairs with me and we'd play a board game. I feel guilty that he's agreed to do that because what if spending time with me makes him want to drink more? He told me earlier today that he can't talk about stuff with me when he's craving a drink because I was one of his drinking buddies. I haven't drank with him in almost two and half years... I feel angry that I've been painted with that brush. Then I feel guilty for the lifestyle we used to share.

BB and I watched videos today that I had taken in the summer when the three of us went to the park. I remember it being such a fun day. I was so happy. I thought we all were. Now looking at the videos, it all seems like such a lie. I feel terrible, because I feel like BB's entire life up until this point has been a complete sham. I can't believe both of my children were conceived without both of their parents loving each other with all of their hearts. My heart is so incredibly broken beyond belief.

I don't know what to do anymore. I just need to hold it together, and the pain will pass, right? Keep it together.


Emilie said...

Cuddles - I don't think you want advice, just someone (or somewhere) to vent. It's good to write it all out!
I wondered about your guilt, though. You have so much on your plate. Try to let him handle his own problems. You don't have to carry his guilt for him. Just worry about you and getting through in a healthy manner. You'll be okay! Emilie

Independent Chick said...

Ok Emilie is being very kind and God bless her. I can't be.

You are not responsible for DH or his actions or his addiction. He is.

You do not have to hold it together. So long as your babe is safe and sound, let it out sister.

You do not have to smile any fake smiles. This is your life and your business. You want to be pissy, be pissy.

And this "friend" in SJ. I'm glad he has a friend. Don't get me wrong, I make no judgement against DH but I do against his actions. For him to throw this "friendship" in your face is bullshit. BULLSHIT!! You deserve more. So much more. You are a wonderful, caring, kind person. A fabulous mother. A great friend. You will do just fine on your own. You will do even better when he finds another place to live. If it's over, it's over. No more salt in the wounds. Hell, come live here if you have to. And I'm serious.

Happiness will be yours again. I promise you. I know. And I promise you!!!

Huge HUGS to you!!!!

The Original Princess said...

I agree with Independant Chick. His choices are his own and his alone.