Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Separation Ramblings

It's been about a week and a half since I last posted.  Lots has happened.  The overall result to my life has not changed though. 


First of all, DH told me last week that it's okay for me to write about the thing that I thought I shouldn't write about.  We had been talking about how I had used the blog as a way to sort through how I was feeling, and he told me that I should feel free to write about it and that I don't need to keep it a secret.  He's not advertising this, but it's not a secret.  He has finally admitted to himself that he is an alcoholic.  No, he's not the type of alcoholic who wakes up in the morning and grabs his bottle to help with his hangover.  He's not the abusive type.  He's not what most people think of when they think of an alcoholic.  He's the sit in the basement by himself and drink beer every night type.  There have been a lot of contributing factors to this…  We always drank together several nights a week before we decided to have BB.  After we were married, we seemed to surround ourselves with new friends who enjoyed drinking and laughing as much as we did.  Somewhere in there, the drinking became his way of trying to hide from the fact that he wasn't happy.  The week after he broke up with me the drinking became much worse.  The following Saturday morning I found him hunched over his computer at 02:00.  I asked him what he was doing (my paranoid mind figured he must be chatting with a girl online) and he told me that he was trying to get over drinking.  At the time I thought it was just another one of his attempts to stop drinking.  It wasn't until the next day when we finally had a chance to sit down and talk that I realized how serious this was.  I knew he had a problem, but whenever I'd ask him about it, he would always brush it off.  He had made attempts to stop a few times over the past year or two when trying to get in shape, but after a short while would make excuses and start drinking again.  It was easier for me to believe that he really was in control than to confront him and risk a fight.  *sigh*  I always avoid the fights with him.  After that night, he managed to go three nights without a drink, and then had one beer on Tuesday.  He's now lasted seven nights without a drink.  I'm so proud of him.  I know he's struggling.  He won't ask for help.  For his sake, and for the sake of our children, I really hope he can do this. 


That same weekend, he posted an ad on Kijiji looking for an activity partner.  He decided that he needs a friend to do the things that he feels he's been missing out on with.  He had a few loons respond, but one girl in a nearby city responded to his ad, and they seem to have become friends.  He met her last weekend and spend the two hours they were together completely unloading on her.  I'm glad he has someone he feels he can talk to.  I "get" that I'm so tangled up in this entire mess that talking to me isn't the same as talking to someone who is completely unrelated to everything.  A fresh perspective, she is.  A jealous ex, I am.  But I'm not as jealous as I expected to be.  He seems quite adamant that he only wants to be friends with her…  that the pressure of a new relationship would make it hard for him not to drink to relieve the stress.  And remarkably, I don't hate her.  I really am glad that she's helped him to feel a bit better.  I wish I could be the one that he is turning to though. 


I had decided that I need to stop staying at the house.  Things were feeling really bad.  I felt like I wasn't letting go, or moving on.  The last couple of nights though have felt a bit better though.  I once again think that staying at the house is the right thing to do.  But it's difficult sharing a house with the man you love when he doesn't have those same feelings for you.  I'm constantly refraining from grabbing his butt, or giving him a quick snuggle when I walk by him.  The idea of house-sitting gave me a bit of a distraction for a day or two, before I realized that nothing would probably come of it.  But that was another couple of days that I survived. 


We've spent a few nights working on the separation agreement.  The first evening resulted in me crying, hand flailing, and accusing him of "gallivanting" around, when I found out that we had a misunderstanding on our agreement of not moving on to new relationships of any sort while we're both still living at the house.  He thought it meant no over-night guests.  I meant no moving on at all.  Big difference.  Our second evening of working on it was much more productive.  Then we sat down for a third evening and made a few touch-ups that we thought of after.  And last night we finally signed off on it.  It's basically a good-faith agreement between the two of us.  Because we're doing this amicably, we don't feel the need to go through lawyers.  We both agree that things will only get messier if they get involved.  I've watched it happen…  greed sets in and suddenly the couple is no longer working together but rather are working against one another.  Signing off on the agreement was difficult for me.  It was hard to watch him sign his name and see that it didn't bother him at all.  It's hard to know that he's so over me so quickly.  I can't even fathom it.  After we finished signing, he held me for a bit while I cried.  I know he feels bad for what he's done. 


I've asked him so many times over the years whether or not he's happy.  He always told me that he was.  I wish one of those times, before it was too late, that he would have actually thought about the question, and said that he wasn't, so that we could go get help.  Rescue our relationship. 


I'm trying to be mature and let him go.  It's not easy.  I feel so undesirable and unlovable.  This next part is going to sound foolish…  But as we were talking about this the other night, he encouraged me to put an ad out on a dating website.  Not that I'm looking for a relationship, but rather just to prove to myself that people would still be interested, even though I'm in an odd situation at the moment.  He even told me that despite our promises of not moving on, that I should consider going out on a date or two if I wanted, and he would be willing to stay with BB, and would not try to bend the rules for himself.  It's so odd to see him care for me in this way.  Part of me thinks that maybe he's just doing this to relieve his own guilt, but another part of me knows better.  So, I posted an ad.  I was up front and honest, no holds barred.  And would you believe some people actually responded?  And they were nice responses too.  I was told that I seemed down to earth, and that my profile was honest and funny.  Wow.  That was a major pick-me-up.  It's odd to have 40-something year old men interested in me…  when DH and I got together we were only 21.  I liked boys then.  Somewhere in there, I graduated to men, and didn't even realize it.  I'll probably never meet any of these guys, and once the baby arrives, there will be no time for any of that nonsense anyway.  But for now, it's providing me with a bit of a distraction and boosting my self-esteem in a cheap 15-year-old-girl kind of way. 


My SIL and I have spent time the past two Sundays together.  She's become an amazing friend to me through this.  She's so supportive and caring.  She's non-judgmental.  When I told her about my online ad, she was happy for me.  She totally "got" why I had to do it.  When I told my two BFFs about it, one didn't really say much, and the other (who I usually communicate with through email) pretty much chastised me in her reply.  But I know that if a friend of mine told me that her husband broke up with her two weeks ago and she was 24 weeks pregnant  and putting ads on dating websites, I'd be like, "Honey!  Woah!  Take a breather.  Take some time to heal first."  So, I guess perhaps this whole experience is giving me a new perspective on things.  It's definitely opened up my eyes to a lot of things.  And my SIL is showing me how to be a good friend. 


This has become quite long and rambling.  I still have so much to say.  I'm feeling so much.  There are times when I feel hope for the future.  Most of the time I feel sadness for what I've lost.  I know there will be happiness in my future, but I need to learn to trust again before that will ever happen.

1 comment:

Independent Chick said...

I make absolutely no judgement and you must do what you need to do but the dating websites, please be careful. It can be a very murky, dishonest and dark place. Take it from someone who knows and now spends no time in the pond.