Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Dear Neglected Blog...

I slowly hand over my heart, broken piece by broken piece. Hoping he'll be careful with it. Hoping he'll gently hold the bits while I try to piece it all together again. Maybe I shouldn't expect that from him... perhaps he'll just toss all the pieces on the floor. My head screams caution, but my emotions have always won out, continue to win out, and will continue to do so in the future. Trusting isn't easy for me anymore, but yet I continue to try, feeling like I'm constantly exposing myself, leaving myself open for rejection. Why? Because my heart soars when he doesn't reject me... when the phone rings, when he arrives at my door, when he holds me in his strong arms, when he caresses my very pregnant belly.

But when a day goes by and I don't hear from him, I feel like I'm freefalling again. I shouldn't be so dependant on the feelings of happiness I get when I'm around him. I should be focusing on BB and BN2. I know that. But there's a big selfish part of me that also needs to focus on me right now, and I NEED to feel something other than sadness and hurt.

I worry that I'm one of those people who can't be alone, someone who always needs to be in a relationship. I guess as long as I'm not dragging these people in and out of my children's lives, it's only me that has to suffer the consequences. So far BB hasn't met him. It works out well that BB is so young and goes to bed so early in the evening.

I know it's only been four weeks but at this point I feel like I'd like him to be a part of my life for a long while. I understand that things can change on a dime though. I've had it happen to me. And I don't know where his head is at. He's the one that keeps reeling me in, reminding me that I'm just getting out of a ten year relationship, that I should be taking things one day at a time. But I don't feel like he's a rebound. I feel too deeply for him for this relationship to be of that nature.

Today I am freefalling. XH moved his stuff out of my basement yesterday. I'm glad to be rid of it, but the mess that has been left behind is awful. My house reminds me of myself right now. I'm trying to get it organized, putting things where they belong, renovating where possible, getting rid of the stuff that doesn't belong, dealing with the mess that is left behind. I question how involved he is going to be with the children. He is already planning on going a week a half without seeing BB... this after saying he wanted to see BB at least 2-3 times a week. And then last night he started questioning whether he will even bond with BN2 and seems to be considering not being a part of her life. My heart breaks for my children. On top of the XH stuff, I didn't hear from "him" last night... we spent the weekend away together, so a night of not hearing from him when he's out of town on business shouldn't be the end of the world. But it's all compounded into me feeling like I'm skydiving without a parachute, and I am so incredibly scared of heights.


The Original Princess said...

I think you're are incredibly brave to put yourself out there. Alot of people in your position would retreat and throw their hands up in defeat. I wish that I had taken your path much sooner in my own journey.
Good for you for making your happiness a priority. I don't think it's selfish. If you are happy, you'll be a better parent. Trust me on that one. I also felt alot of guilt about dating and such. But 2 years later, I KNOW that I'm a better parent to my child because I'm in a happy loving relationship. And when the time is right, and you feel comfortable, you will be able to provide a good model for your children, you can show them what a happy well adjusted relationship should be.
I'm sorry about XH and his bonding issues. There is nothing anyone can say to take that hurt away.
You're doing a fantastic job with the difficult situation you've been handed.

cuddles said...

Thanks, Princess. But I guess this also blew up in my face (see tonight's post.)

I really appreciate your support. Hopefully someday I'll find someone who is in the place I need them to be, and at the right time.