Sunday, February 28, 2010


I said that I wasn't going to post personal stuff for a while, but it's so hard. I know my friends have to be tired of hearing me talk about this stuff. I need an outlet, I need my blog!

Today is the last day of February. This morning I am finding myself reflecting on the past month. It has had its ups and downs for sure. The month began with my newest love interest breaking my heart, but it turns out that he hasn't left my life. In fact, he's still a very big part of my life. If it weren't for the fact that I know we're not together, I'd almost be able to convince myself that we still are. My friends think he's playing games with me. I see it, but I'm choosing to let it happen. I don't want to walk away. He's still giving me so much and I'm greedily gobbling it all up. Yes, I'm probably going to get hurt again, but that's a chance I'm willing to take to still have him be a part of my life.

All of that being said, yes, I am still swimming in the pond. I was supposed to meet someone today, but it felt icky. I think it's due to two reasons. The first one is that he seems too much like the previous two guys I've been in long-term relationships with. The second one is the matter I mentioned above. I like to think that if I meet someone who has several of the qualities on my list of things I'm looking for, that I'd feel better about meeting them. But I'm so hung up on the other guy, that perhaps I wouldn't. I can't tell.

As February closes I am finding myself at a crossroads. The last few days I've been chatting with someone who does have several qualities from "the list." He can write a real message and has contacted me often this weekend. Very nice. However, he's in the military. I have no issue whatsoever with army guys. Yes, some give the others a bad rep, but I don't believe in painting everyone with the same brush. What does make me pause is the fact that he will most likely be posted elsewhere at some point in the future. I am not leaving the area. Do I want to open myself up to this person knowing that it won't work out? Yes, I know it's premature to think about that sort of thing, but I do. I am a future thinker, for sure. I was discussing this issue last night with the guy discussed in paragraph 2 (I really need to give him a name to make this easier. Let's call him "Handsome" for now. OMG, that sounds cheesy!) As I said to him last night, "Yes, I need to do what is best for me, but there are a lot of other people's lives to take into consideration when considering a new relationship." There's my family - they've done so much to help me, it wouldn't be fair to up and leave them. There's the children - I feel that they deserve to grow up surrounded by their family that loves them. There's even XH - moving would make his time with the children much more difficult and infrequent. And to be honest, I really don't want to leave my safety net. Every time I've left this city, bad things happen. I think that I'm meant to be here.

And again, it all boils down to the fact that I'd rather be with Handsome than anyone else. How did he get under my skin like this? Why am I even looking for someone else? I think I'm hoping that another Handsome will come along and sweep me off my feet the way the first one did. No one else truly measures up though. I know the smart thing to do right now would be to stop holding out my heart to him, waiting for him to take it. Put it back in my chest and let it wait in there for BN2 to arrive in four weeks, and use it to love her when she arrives. But there's so much that I have to give. Enough for both of them, and BB too. Perhaps when BN2 arrives it will change my focus. I remember the effect the hormones had on me last time. Suddenly nothing else mattered but my little family. Maybe all of this guy drama will fade into the background. One thing that I do know for certain is that regardless of what happens relationship-wise with Handsome, I very much would still like to be his friend, and I hope that in spite of everything we'll manage to keep that friendship.

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