Thursday, April 22, 2010

Thursday Night Randoms

- I'm annoyed that my car wasn't washed and vacuumed today when I took it in to have the winter tires taken off. My whole reason for going to this particular service centre was so that the car would get a bit of a cleaning while it was there.

- I'm happy that BG was a good girl while we waited for over two hours at the service centre today. She nursed for a few minutes when we first arrived, then passed out in my arms for the next two hours. When she woke up she nursed again, and then passed out again. I love how I can take her anywhere. I was never brave enough to do that with BB. He never once nursed in public... we were hermits for the entire year I was off work.

- People say the stupidest things. I was out with Handsome on the weekend and we had BG with us. An old lady commented that she looked "just like" him. It was good for a laugh anyway. In reality, the only person she looks "just like" is BB when he was her age.

- I haven't talked about this previously, but one of the dark clouds that has been hanging over my head for quite some time now has finally been removed and I feel like my overall outlook on life is much better as a result. XH changed his mind on not being able to be friends. When we split, I think the hardest thing to deal with was losing my best friend, even though we said we would continue to be friends. Then it became apparent to me that it wasn't going to be the case, and finally he came out and said it. Well, emailed it. Anyway, a few weeks ago he completely floored me by saying that he wanted to be my friend again. Now he comes over to visit with the kids, has dinner with us, gives me an opportunity to take a shower, etc. He has even done a few (much appreciated) things around here for me. I wasn't sure how he was truly going to be a part of BG's life with the way things had been... I'm relieved for her that this seems to be working.

- I just realized that I've officially been separated for five months now.

- Correspondence with TMG has become spotty. I'm definitely okay with that. We had started chatting on MSN, but I stopped logging in (and haven't logged in since) since it seemed that he was constantly bombarding me with offline messages. So we went back to email, which I preferred. However, my motivation to email him hasn't been high lately so it usually takes me days to finally reply to one of his messages. So now I think he's giving me a taste of my own medicine by not replying right away either. It's okay, I think I'd prefer to stop talking to him now anyway. He seems kind enough, but I've come across a few values that don't jive with mine (cheating, for example!) and, as Handsome pointed out the other day, even if I've made it clear that I won't meet him, even emailing with him is enabling him. The way I've been looking at it is, I don't blame XH's girlfriend for what he did, it was his doing... same thing here. TMG can choose whether to talk to me or not, I'm not the one doing something wrong in his marriage. However, even so, when it comes down to it, I don't feel good about being a female he's talking to online without his wife's knowledge. Our conversations aren't even of a nature that would cause anyone to even raise an eyebrow... they're very clean, and just about life in general, but even so, I'm not feeling like I'm doing the right thing here.

- Have you ever spent a period of time sleeping with someone, and then found out after the fact that they have no recollection of it? Yeah, me neither. But apparently it happens to some people. And that's all I'm saying about that one.

- BB is slowly settling into his life with a baby sister. He has good days and bad days. At the beginning of last week I was at the end of my rope. I felt like all I was saying was, "No, no, no, no, no, no." But this week I'm noticing a big difference. I think that he's getting a better understanding of what I expect from him, and I'm getting a better feel for what he is capable of. This means he is able to follow the rules a bit more, and I'm able to loosen up on the rules in some areas, since most of my rules are simply for his protection. I suppose all of this makes sense... for the past year he has been in someone else's care for most of his waking hours, so now we need to get to know one another. He needs to learn the expectations, and I need to learn his abilities.

- BB's affection for BG is sweet. I think he only does it because I praise him for it, but that's okay. It's a beginning. And it's far better than having him walk up to her and slug her!

- Before I met Handsome, I had been chatting with someone else from the pond. We had talked about meeting but it never worked out. Then I met Handsome and I dropped the first guy like a hot potato. After Handsome broke my heart (okay, I could have sugar coated that a bit, but I don't feel like it) and I went back into the pond, the first guy found me and we started chatting again. It was only occasional at first, but now we check in with each other at least a few times a day. He still wants to meet. I kind of want to, but at the same time, I'm not sure if it's smart. I know nothing is going to happen with Handsome, but I also know that I still have feelings for him. And even if Handsome felt anything toward me (which he doesn't, beyond friendship, of course) I'm quite certain I wouldn't pursue it anyway. I know too much now to feel like that would be wise of me. I think I would just be setting myself up to be hurt by him once again. And really, how many times can one person stand in the middle of the road waiting to be run down by a transport? Even now, I find out little things that make me say, "Ouch." The first guy and I said that we'd only be meeting as friends, but everyone knows that when two single people are meeting, even if they give that disclaimer, both are thinking of the other as a possibility. My dilemma is this - would it really be fair of me to meet this first guy, even just as "friends", while I know I still have feelings for Handsome? Perhaps meeting the first guy would help me get over Handsome. But does that fall under the category of using the first guy?

- Some people in the world are evil. They tell malicious lies and hide behind them to mask their own guilt. They do not care whose lives they wreck in the process. I can't imagine living in this fashion, but I'm watching it happen to a friend.

- Please don't call a diaper a "di-a-per". It drives me crazy.

- There are few things in this world that are cuter than BG's hair. It's thick and dark. Immediately after a bath it goes curly. And when it dries, it stands on end and is fluffy. And by the next morning it's suddenly oily again.

- One of the pluses of being single with a newborn (bet you didn't realize that there would be pluses to this situation!) is that she and I have the bed all to ourselves! I don't have to worry about waking someone who will need to be able to function at work the next day, I can position myself on whichever side of the bed I need to in order to simply pop a breast in her mouth the next time she wakes up, I don't have to live in paranoia of someone else rolling over onto her or kicking or punching her in their sleep.

- Sharing my bed with BG does have one downside though... I don't foresee any intimacy in my future for a very long time.

- Don't leave my kitchen sink stopper in the sink. That annoys me.

- I enjoy early morning telephone conversations with Handsome. Heck, I enjoy conversations anytime with him, but for the past almost two weeks, we've been calling each other every morning to check in... now it feels like my day hasn't started until the phone call has taken place.

- Handsome has become such a big part of my life again these past couple of weeks... I'm going to be left with a gaping hole in my life when he finds his next love interest and starts investing all of his time in her. Maybe I should meet that first guy in hopes of avoiding the gaping hole. But then I'm back to the question of whether or not that qualifies as using the first guy.

- BG has grown so much over the past four weeks. I remember her sleeping on my chest not too long ago and she was just a little ball of flesh. Now she's over 10 lbs (XH and I weighed her the other night) and is currently sleeping on my chest, stomach, and her little feet and legs are even spilling onto my lap. It amazes me when I think about how it is my body nourishing her and giving her everything she needs to grow. It makes me think that I really need to step up my healthy eating. I've been lazy lately and meal time seems to be the same time that all hell breaks loose with the two children.

- Sometimes having an incredible memory isn't a good thing. I remember details that other people don't. And then when they don't remember those details, it hurts, and I look creepy.

- Although I spend more than my fair share of time thinking about guy-stuff and matters of the heart, I do believe that having BG has helped me to refocus on being a mother again. Not to the extreme that I experienced with BB, but I'm in a much different place this time. There are few parallels between my life now and my life then. At this point though, I don't feel the desperate longing to be with someone. It would be nice, but I'll survive being alone for a while longer.

- I still need to do a post on the events of the crazy night that BG was born. I started one... it was really long, and I'm not sure how clear it was. It's such an emotional topic for me, and I hate to forget a detail. I think I need to redo it with less detail though... otherwise, it won't make sense to anyone other than myself.

- I need to try some new food. I don't remember the last time I tried something different. I'm in a rut. I also need to find some recipes that are relatively easy, but healthy and different. Everyone has been so generous in keeping my freezer filled with easy and quick meals, but I really need to start making a few things again. Getting groceries is proving to be a bit difficult. I take BG with me, since she goes everywhere with me, and there's only so much room in her stroller for groceries. Last time I hung some shopping bags off her stroller with my Mama Clip. I was able to get more, but it was awkward.

- Gah. Just spent the last hour and ten minutes on the phone with Handsome since my last random point. He makes me happy. "And on that note"... I'm going to end this.

1 comment:

Independent Chick said...

I love reading your posts. : ) ALWAYS give me something to think about in my own life. And though that is not your purpose here, it's good for me. Keeps me thinking of things I might let slide.

Very glad you and XH are friends. I think always initially the thought is that that sort of relationship isn't possible after being married. That you can't go back to friends after being so close. It's a nice thing when you can, good for your mental health and great for the kids.

BB and BG sound absolutely divine. Maybe someday we'll do a little playdate. I know Sweet pea would love to meet them would I.

I completely know what you're saying about Handsome and meeting other people. It feels wrong. Been there. But if you know that there is no possibility of anything other than a friendship with Handsome then there is nothing wrong with you meeting other people and taking it wherever it happens to go. That's just my opinion. You don't want to miss out on the possibilities. Handsome can still be a big part of your any friend can be.

Happy Friday cuddles. : )