Sunday, May 9, 2010

Here I Am Again

I'm so incredibly beyond blue today. How can I be pseudo-dumped by my pseudo-boyfriend? My heart is broken. How many times will I let this happen to me? Why can't I be alone? Where is my strength that everyone else keeps telling me I have? I don't feel it.

What's so difficult about the whole thing is that there's no one I can talk to about it, because the details aren't mine to share. I understand where he is coming from with respect to needing to pull away from me, but I still feel the need to talk it out with someone. However, I respect and love him far too much to share his personal stuff with anyone. But without sharing the details with anyone, he sounds like an ass, and that's not the image I want to paint of him. Not at all.

I feel reckless and out of control today. Like I'm going to do something rash that I could possibly regret. Or maybe it's that I *want* to do something rash. I think I'm going to try reconnecting with a couple of old friends... see where that leads. I need something. Is it fair to them (or to me) to do this while I still love H? Nope. But whatever, I'm sick of worrying about how everyone else feels. Bloody sick of it. It gets me no where, but trampled into the ground.

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