Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Pulling it Together

So I gave myself two days to wallow in self pity. By last night I was feeling a bit better.

H managed to last 24 hrs + 8 minutes before calling yesterday. That call was followed by two more later in the day. All were fairly quick calls just updating me on the goings-on in his life. I'm glad he's still keeping me in the loop, but I feel myself letting go already. I still care about him, heck, I know I still love him... that doesn't turn off so quickly, but I think it's my self-preservation mechanism kicking in... I can't say for certain, but I don't think I'll put myself in the position to be hurt by him again. Prior to that first phone call, there was also an email, and last evening he sent me two texts, the first one I replied to, the second one I didn't bother. Not that there was really anything to reply to, but it's unusual for me NOT to be the last one to reply.

To distract myself, I've jumped back into that awful pond. I'm not sure how I'm feeling about it, but it's something to do. I don't understand why I can't be alone, but whatever, it's who I am, and come hell or high water, I will find someone. That being said, I refuse to settle.

I had offered to take H out later this week to celebrate his birthday. I'm not sure if he still wants to go out or not; however, if he decides that he doesn't, I think I might see if someone else wants to get together with me, since I already have a sitter lined up. I'm sure that of the few people I'm communicating with, at least one of them would be interested. I'm a bit nervous at the prospect, but I think this most recent incident with H was the kick in the pants I needed to let go of the dream I had of us being together. Or at the very least, to loosen my grip on it. I talk a good talk, but I'm sure if he showed up at my door tonight I'd be back to square one. I'm such a sucker for him.

1 comment:

The Original Princess said...

Girl, you need to have some fun. You need to do something that is just plain fun that makes you laugh until your cheeks hurt and lets you forget about all of that stuff for even just a few minutes.