Friday, May 14, 2010

Push and Pull

Looking back to when H and I were dating in January, it's obvious that the push and pull was already going on then. He'd come over to my place more evenings than not, but then would disappear from my world completely for a couple of days. He would talk about things we would do together in the future, but then try to tell me that he was only my rebound. He took me away for the weekend and then broke up with me a few days later. And then in less than a week, we were talking again, and another week until we were back in bed. I remember that first night together again, he asked me after, "Can you be my friend without being my lover?" I said yes. I meant it. But so we continued on for another few weeks... we'd get together, every so often he'd disappear for a day or two, then poof, he'd be back again. I don't think he only came back for sex, since there were times we spent together without anything physical happening. And since I now know he was also getting it elsewhere during that time, I really believe it wasn't the sex he came back for. If anything, I think he was feeding off my feelings for him. It feels good to be around someone who loves, adores, and worships you.

Our last time together was the beginning of March... we bottled wine and then took a day trip to St. Andrews. Shortly after that my life went a bit crazy with BB being so sick, and then BG's arrival. His life also seemed to get busy... (I had a snide comment here, but removed it, since it isn't really useful, and it gives away more of his story than is useful in helping me tell mine.) We kept in touch during this time, but only saw one another once - the night before BG was born. We sat on the couch and talked and laughed. I realized that night that although I still cared and had feelings for him, they were starting to fade, and that I was definitely okay just being friends.

Another couple of weeks pass and suddenly his life comes crashing down around him. I'm sitting home alone all day with two little ones and oodles of time. Next thing I know, he pulls me close and I'm his go-to person again. We're constantly on the phone or he's here with me. We went to a charity event one evening, we spent a weekend away, I even met his kids and his ex. All of this happened with us just being friends. However, as I've mentioned before, we became incredibly close during this time, and I fell for him harder than ever. The weekend we went away, we were snuggled up in bed and he made two promises to me. He promised that I would always be a part of his life, somehow. He promised that he would never again lie to me or omit the truth. Both of these promises have been broken all ready. It's funny, there were two other promises that he made to me at other times during the past month. One was that he would be there for me the next time anything bad happened to either of my children (in reference to BB's illness in March and how he didn't come to the hospital at all when my other close friends, and even my boss, did) and that he would never not talk to me if we had an issue - we'd always talk it out. The former hasn't been tested yet, thankfully, but I assume that he won't be there for me. The latter has already been broken.

Over this past month he's shared a lot of information with me. Very private stuff. I have guarded this information with my life. It's made it difficult for me to talk with friends or family about what's been going on in my life, because I've been so careful not to share something that I shouldn't. Then suddenly last week, he started questioning my feelings for him. He thought that because my deep feelings weren't reciprocated that I would end up getting hurt. I refused to let him push me away and told him that I was aware of the risks, that I committed to be his friend through his ordeal, and that I would deal with those feelings and any fallout from them. After a few more conversations that evening and the next morning, I thought all was fine. We took a quick road trip so he could run an errand on Thursday night, and that night we stayed up fairly late talking on the phone having one of our usual heart-to-hearts. We made plans to go out for his birthday this week, and had talked about going away this weekend. Then last Saturday night he didn't answer when I called him at bedtime. I texted a while later to say goodnight. When I woke up after 02:00 to feed BG, I was really worried, because it wasn't like him to not check in by that point. So I called (we had previously told one another to call anytime, day or night, if we needed something. I needed to know he was okay, I felt justified in calling.) and there was no answer. So I sent another text telling him I was worried, and to check-in when he could. I was paranoid he was laying in a ditch somewhere. He finally called me after 07:00 Sunday morning, telling me he was feeling very vulnerable because I knew everything about him, and insinuated that I couldn't be trusted. HUH? Then somehow it turned into him needing to face his current issues head-on, on his own. Okay, that part makes sense to me. It was obvious to me that he couldn't be alone, and that was why he had formed this pseudo-relationship with me. But to not trust me??? That was the part that I can't cope with. Anyway, after a lot of talking that morning, I let him walk away. If space was what he needed, space he would have. I had promised him long ago that I'd do anything for him, and if giving him space was part of the anything, then I'd do it.

He checked in a few times between Monday and Wednesday, updating me on his situation. Only on his last call on Wednesday did he show any interest in my life. I didn't ask many questions when he called, because I didn't want him to think I was prying in order to share information with anyone. I didn't talk about my life, because I figure he probably has enough on his mind right now that my baby stories would be unimportant to him. Yesterday morning I sent him an email to wish him a happy birthday. He replied back and told me it was probably the nicest birthday email he had received. Then last night he deleted me as a friend on Facebook. HUH? I'm so growing tired of this push and pull game. So, I emailed him one last time to ask what it is that I've done to wrong him. I thought I was being a good friend to him, but he obviously feels otherwise. So what is it that I've done, besides allowing myself to become his doormat? Heck, it's more than just allowing myself to become his doormat, I chose to become his doormat. It didn't just happen. I made the conscious decision to do it. I still haven't received a response from him. I'm guessing I won't be hearing from him again. I'm left with so many questions and so much hurt over the entire thing. What happened that I don't know about? Can I ever trust anyone again? I'm feeling like I can't.

I think it's all about control with him. The constant push and pull. I've wondered if perhaps this most recent push was a way to really take control of the situation that we had found ourselves in... he had cut the ties, but not completely, so perhaps this was his way of severing them for good.

I know what you're probably thinking... "You're better off without him." Maybe I am. But I need answers. I need closure. What really angers me, is that if he came back with answers, and an apology, and wanted to be a part of my life again, I'd let him back in. Why do I do this to myself?

I can handle the idea of him not reciprocating my feelings, I can even handle the idea of him not wanting to be my friend... what I can't handle is him suddenly deciding that I can't be trusted, after being told so many times that he trusted me implicitly, and that he trusted me with his life. How does that change overnight? I suspect there's more to the story, and that's why I want answers.

Hopefully this will be my last post about H. I know I've been dwelling on things with him far too much over this past month. He became my world, second only to my children.

H, I'm so very very angry with you right now. You've managed to hurt me in a way that you have never before hurt me... and there has been a lot of hurt since January. You're right, I do grin and bear a lot of things with you, but it's been okay, because it kept you in my life. However, although I am angry and hurt, the things you told me will remain secrets. I do not seek revenge on people; that isn't who I am, and I will never be that person. I wish you every happiness life has to offer. I hope you figure out who you are, and that you become the person you want to be. xo

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