However, last night we talked about what our "deal-breakers" are. Two of my big ones are smoking and drugs. He told me he occasionally smokes when he drinks, and that he smokes pot a time or two a year. At the time I just brushed it off, since he said he only does it occasionally, but it nagged at me. Today it really hit me - how I can I tell my kids that they shouldn't do those things when it's okay for him to do them? So tonight I told him that I couldn't get past those two things. I think he was a bit upset with me, especially since I hadn't met him before making that decision. But meeting him wouldn't have changed anything; it would have just made it harder if we did have chemistry.
I'm feeling proud of myself for addressing it, rather than letting it become an issue down the road; however, I'm feeling sad that this "opportunity" didn't work out. Add to it the mess with H, and I'm on the verge of depression. I had so many things I wanted to get out and do this weekend, and now I can't even remember what it was that I wanted to do. None of them feel like they matter. I'm really tiring of wallowing in self pity, but I'm not sure how to pull myself out of it. Today I've even been considering contacting my workplace's EAP provider. I feel like I need to talk about all the stuff with H to someone neutral who can be trusted not to tell anyone. I think I'm a bit messed up from it all to be honest. Why the hell do I still care about people after they hurt me? I did it with XH, and now again with H. Why can't I get angry, tell them to eff-off, and move on with my life? It seems like the worse you treat me, the more devoted to you I become. That's messed up. I'm not liking myself much tonight.