Thursday, September 16, 2010


So I feel like I'm finally finally finally getting over H. Finally.

But here's what I expect to happen within the next short while since I'm finally feeling this way. A phone call. A FB message. A MSN chat. Something. Because that's what seems to happen. I finally begin to let go, and then he makes contact, and I'm back to where I was. Perhaps I go back there with far more caution in my heart, but I return nonetheless.

This week, as I realized where I'm at, I considered sending him an email. I was planning on asking him not to bother contacting me again until he's able to honestly be a friend. I'm tired of the promises and being the person he chooses to befriend when there is no one else. I've spent a lot of time mentally writing this message to him. I've decided against actually contacting him because it will only add more drama to an already far too dramatic situation. But just writing this email in my head seems to have empowered me somewhat. I may still write it, but not send it. I often find it to be frustrating to write something that isn't going to be shared though (which explains the reason why I keep this public blog rather than a private diary.)

I had an ah-ha moment while reading a good friend's most recent blog post the other night. She wrote about the difficulty she faces with trusting people as a result of being burned in the past. It made me think about my same issue. I'm not sure how I can ever completely trust someone again. And that's a hard idea for me, since I tend to be quite trusting of the people I allow into my inner circle. It made me wonder if perhaps this is why I'm being so picky about who I choose to be with next. If I can't find the right person to be with, then I don't have to take the risk of trusting, right?

On my way home from an appointment this afternoon I had an interesting thought. I was filled with dread at the idea of having to come home again. I wanted to be anywhere but here. But then I thought of the babies, and I caught myself suddenly speeding to get home. And at that point it hit me... the discontent I'm feeling has nothing to do with them. It's from not getting out to stretch my legs. From not having any real "me" time. It has absolutely nothing to do with the children. I don't have to feel guilty for feeling this way now that I've had this realization.


Independent Chick said...

My advice, not that you asked, LOL, don't contact him. Let it be. You know that this is not the right person for you. He's just filling a "in the meantime" hole. And that's always good when the person really makes you feel good. He doesn't make you feel good. If he did, you wouldn't say and feel the way you do.

The trust thing...we are trusting people and when someone betrays that, we take it very seriously and very much to heart because of how strongly we feel. I know for me, I have to get over it. I have to open up again. It's going to kill me if I don't. And really, how bad can it hurt after all that has already happened? I don't want to miss on something wonderful because of something in the past.

You do need "me" time and you should feel no guilt whatsoever!!!!! That's what makes you a good mom, when you get time to stretch you legs and come back revived and content.


cuddles said...

Thanks for the advice. From you, it is always appreciated, whether it is solicited or not. I had already decided against contacting him. It's not worth the drama it could create. It felt like it might give me some closure, but really, I think time is taking care of that on its own.


Tim Scammell, PTech said...

The closure is in your mind when you finally reach that place where you feel good and don't get that twingy feeling in your stomach when you think about him.
I don't think you need to tell him when that moment comes. He'll realize it the next time he comes to you looking for something.
And then he'll leave you alone and let you live again. I hope.
You're doing a great job at dealing with a situation that would crumble most others.
Stay the course. Your friends are out here for you if you need.

cuddles said...

Lately that twingy feeling has been more annoyance tinged with anger. Again. As long as I don't see or talk to him, I'll continue moving in that direction.
And thanks for the kind words, Tim! I'm quite certain I've mentioned this "somewhere" recently, but I'm glad you're around. ;o)