Sunday, September 12, 2010

Late night reflections

I just looked down at BG as she was laying in my lap, and I was suddenly hit with the realization that she is no longer a newborn. In fact, she's two weeks shy of six months, and has become quite sturdy. She's still smaller than BB was at this age, but she's definitely a beautiful, healthy little girl. It was the size of her head that really knocked the wind out of me. I'm quite certain her head alone is at least half the size she was when she was born.

Yesterday I was looking at her stretched out on her change mat and was astounded at how long she is now.

The past six months have been a blur. Six months ago today was Friday, March 12. Baby Boy had spent the day with his old babysitter so I could finish getting ready for BG's arrival. He wasn't feeling well when I picked him up. I checked his temperature when we arrived home and it was up. I gave him some Tempra. He gagged and vomited on me. I moved him into my bed and we hardly left that spot until he was admitted to the hospital five days later for four nights. Those nine days were hell. Then two weeks after he first became ill, BG made her rapid appearance. And the time since has passed on fast forward.

BB has matured so much since his hospital stay. At the time we were impressed that he would say "IV" and point to his arm or the IV pole. Now he repeats everything we say. "Are you a leprechaun?" "No leprechaun! BB!" while first waving his hands as he's saying no, then pointing to himself as he says his name. He tells me how to make coffee. He tells me how to make pancakes. He tells me that a truck just went by with a digger, and that it will dig a hole for a basement. Oh, and that truck goes "beep beep" when it backs up. "Truck a beep beep a back a up." He's my little chatter box and I love every minute of it. Some times it feels like I'm living with Rainman, but the thought just makes me chuckle. On weekends like this one when he's with is father, I miss having him to talk with.

And BG... well, she is such a happy, pleasant baby. She not only rolls back and forth now, but is slowly making her way across the room. I'm not certain how she's doing it but I blink and she's in a different spot, a few feet away from where I left her. I think it's a combination of wiggling and rolling. She's getting close to being able to sit up on her own. She can hold herself up for a moment before toppling over. Her legs are so strong. When you hold her, she wants to bounce bounce bounce in your arms. She now hangs out in the kitchen in her high chair, so she can see all the excitement. I'm mentally preparing to start her journey into solid foods. Although, she's already had a taste of pear. :) She wanted my pear, and it was a rather hard clapp pear, so I let her gum a piece of it. She really enjoyed the experience. I think the cold pear felt good on her gums. Her two bottom teeth are just below the surface. I expect any day that I'll be able to feel them peeking through.

BG and I went to town today and she got a lot of attention every where we went. The women working at the Superstore made a big deal over her, and she rewarded their attention with big gummy smiles, her eyes dancing the whole time. We stopped by Yoo China Curry House for take-out on our way home, and the customers and staff all gushed about what a gorgeous baby she is. And again, she shared the most brilliant smiles with them.

I see such a difference between BB and BG. From the start, BB has reminded me of myself. Intense, emotional... Emotional sounds negative. I don't mean it that way. He's a very "feeling" sort of person. He also seems to be setting expectations for himself already... when he was picking up his blocks the other day, he became upset that they were a mess when he put them back in their box. He seems to appreciate order, processes, and routine. BG seems like she's going to be a bit more relaxed and carefree. This is just a first impression, of course, but she definitely is showing more laid back tendencies than BB did at this age.

I feel like I'm going to lose these thoughts if I don't take a few moments to record them. The time is flying by. Another six months and I'll be starting work again. Once again, my heart breaks at the idea of someone else raising my children. Where is home? Is it with me? Is it with their father? Is it with their sitter? It's a combination of these three places. How can you feel secure when home is split between three places? If I were a child I think I would struggle with that. Perhaps since my children don't know any different, it won't be an issue? I think I'm just telling myself that to try to make myself feel better.

The plan... it had been for me to stay home with both of the children after my maternity leave was done. Obviously, that's no longer the plan. I have to work if I intend to keep a roof over our heads and food in our bellies. Funny how someone else can change the plan, and my job is to roll with the punches and hold it all together. Create a new plan. Even if it is a shitty one.

I don't want to go down this road tonight though.

I just want to try to burn into my memory the picture of BG laying next to me on the bed... her long eyelashes, dark hair, round cheeks, tiny fingernails, and the dimple in her ear that makes it look like it's been pierced.

Too much time and emotional energy has been wasted over these past six months. Things I can't change. I'm still mourning losses. Letting go. Looking forward. It's a process.

I need to embrace what I have right now.

Time is precious.


Independent Chick said...

Mourning losses and letting is a process for sure. One with its ups and downs but it gets better. Time, sweet time, is precious but it heals all things. XO

Emilie said...

Beautiful post...

cuddles said...

For different reasons, thanks to both of you. I'm glad you're both still around after all the craziness of this journey.