Old Emails

I had a request from H yesterday asking me to confirm that we had spent a particular evening together back in April. It caused me to go back and reread a bunch of emails from the April/May reconnection. Jesus. I was convinced we were just friends at the time. Yes, I felt more, but I knew better. After reading the emails I was left scratching my head wondering how it was that I didn't see that we really seemed to be in an actual relationship? The killer was an email from the beginning of May where he reminded me of the promise to always have me in his life and that if "she" made him choose between his friendship with me and a relationship with her, that I would be the choice. Lies.

At least rereading all the emails a few months later has left me feeling a little less crazy. I couldn't understand why it's been so hard to get over him when I knew we were just friends. It's making more sense now.

How do I get him off my mind though? It's been almost four months since he fell off the face of the earth. There was his reappearance a few weeks ago, but it didn't last long. He's been in touch via FB a bit this week, but it's been nothing profound. Nothing that would make me think he's even remotely interested. I've never had this much trouble letting go of anyone before. I haven't even seen him since May 6. *sigh*

I've had my socks knocked off by two people as soon as I saw them for the first time. XH and H. Electricity shot through my body instantly. Is it wrong of me to expect to find that a third time? H recently pointed out to me that since both of those failed, I should just give normal a chance. XH is also on the "give normal a chance" page. I feel like I need that connection though. The spark. The feeling of knowing.

I'm sure everyone is so sick of hearing about this. I'm sick of thinking about it. But aside from the children, I think of little else. I examine it from every angle. I remember the things he said. Then I go off on a tangent recalling all the lies I've been told over the last year by both H and XH. Wow. An entire year now since everything began. September. I still wonder what was the truth and what was a lie. I don't really want to know now. I never want to relive that again. Do people tell the truth, generally? Do they have good intentions, but they fail in the end?

Empathy is both my friend and my enemy. It's a huge part of who I am. But it also seems to cause me problems. Rather than just getting angry and moving on I put myself in the other person's shoes. I feel bad with them, whether they realize it or not. I understand where they're coming from and why they do the things they do. Why they hurt me. I get so lost in feeling what I feel and feeling for them that I seem to chase my tail around in circles.

This is in my head tonight. Some of the lines are so very applicable...

Insensitive

Jann Arden

How do you cool your lips
After a summer’s kiss
How do you rid the sweat
After the body bliss
How do you turn your eyes
From the romantic glare
How do you block the sound
Of a voice you’d know anywhere

Oh, I really should have known
By the time you drove me home
By the vagueness in your eyes
Your casual good-byes
By the chill in your embrace
The expression on your face
That told me
Maybe You might have some advice to give
On how to be
Insensitive
Insensitive
Insensitive

How do you numb your skin
After the warmest touch
How do you slow your blood
After the body rush
How do you free your soul
After you’ve found a friend
How do you teach your heart
It’s a crime to fall in love again

Oh, you probably won’t remember me
It’s probably ancient history
I’m one of the chosen few
Who went ahead and fell for you
I’m out of hope, I’m out of touch
I fell too fast, I feel too much
I thought that you might have
Some advice to give on how to be
Insensitive
I really should have known
By the time you drove me home
By the vagueness in your eyes
Your casual good-byes
By the chill in your embrace
The expression on your face
That told me
Maybe You might have some advice to give
On how to be
Insensitive
Insensitive
Insensitive

I just played the video while finishing this up. It feels like there's a huge weight on my chest right now.
Need to let go of it all.