Visits

J was in town for the past couple of weeks. I hadn't seen him since late in 2000, maybe early 2001. And that was just so he could pick up a few CDs he had left with me when he moved away. So the last time we really spent any time together was in December 1999 when he came home for Christmas... what an effing disaster that was. I still have the baggage from that one. But that's another post.

Anyway, when I saw on MSN that he was in town, I suggested we get together at some point to catch up. But here's the thing I realized... ever since the time SG seemed to think it would be okay to try fooling around with me, and then called me a couple of weeks ago in hopes of getting laid, I'm uneasy inviting anyone over to my place. Well, anyone male.

Last time I talked with J was February. He kept saying that it was great to hear my voice, how good we had been together (WTF?!) but that we were just kids when we were together, blah blah blah. He was in the middle of a break up at the time, so I tried not to think much of it. But once I had invited him over I remembered that conversation and started to feel super paranoid that he was going to try the same thing SG did. Now, in J's defense, the guy doesn't have a player bone in his body. But still... If SG thought it was okay to try after 10 years, what's to say J wouldn't either.

After suggesting that J and I get together, I kept stalling on confirming a date/time. I knew time was running out, and he had told me that most of his other friends had bailed on him during this visit, so I finally invited him over this past Tuesday morning for coffee.

Thankfully, no, he didn't try anything. (As I type this, I realize that I must sound really pathetic or really full of myself... I'm not sure which.) I hadn't realized just how worried I had been about it though until XH was over the same night and I felt comfortable. There was no worry that he was going to suddenly jump on me unexpectedly. (I'm laughing my ass off at that idea.)

It's funny that it took the whole SG thing to make me feel this way, when an absolutely horrific experience from my youth didn't seem to leave me with this much paranoia. I think perhaps I've been trying to make sure that first experience didn't change how I conduct my social life. Treating it like an isolated incident, and keeping it in a tightly sealed box on a shelf. Sometimes I take it out of the box and examine it, but overall, it's best left on the shelf. Not that I don't wear the scars from it, I do. But I've never felt worried about unwanted advances from friends until now. I never thought that SG could leave me feeling this way. I'm sure it will pass. Like everything.