Tuesday, September 7, 2010


I bounce between being happy and being completely miserable. The happiness comes from the babies. The state of being miserable comes from within. I feel like I'm stuck at the moment. The timing isn't right to try to get out of the rut. BG needs me too much right now.

I get angry at myself for the self pity I feel a times. I watch XH carrying on with his life, meeting new people, forming new relationships, and I feel sad for myself. I know that I have something precious that he doesn't though. I remind myself of this. They won't be this age forever. I already know that I'm going to look back on this time and hate myself for not calming the fuck down and just enjoying the babies. (BB would correct me on this and tell me that no, he isn't a baby, he's BB, while pointing to himself.)

I've been alone for six months now. It feels like an eternity. The babies fill me with love, but there's still a big empty spot. I can't be physical with someone without emotion. Years ago I could but it's not how I'm wired now. If I was still that way, perhaps things would be simpler. Have the itch scratched and then resume my 24/7 parenting duties. Just thinking of it like that disgusts me.

Patience. I need to take a deep breath and savour every moment with the babies. Try to let go of all the other stuff. Push it back down. Focus on what's important. (But isn't fulfilling myself emotionally important? No, not as important as the babies. Must remember they are the priority.) Keep it together.


The Mrs. said...

I can't imagine what you are going through, girl. Just know that I am always here if you want to chat.

I promised myself I wouldn't go 'here', but I'm going to anyways; you are way to good for him. NEVER compare your life to his. Your one hell of a hot mama, and a good one at that! NEVER doubt yourself<3

Independent Chick said...

ummmmm....I know how you feel. Two years single... At the time, it sucked. I longed for a closeness with someone that it seemed I had never had but looking back, I learned more about myself, what I needed, where I wanted to be. It also gave me lots of precious time with Sweet pea.

I know it's hard looking at that now. By times I look at XH and get a little pissy to be honest. Pissy that he has time that I feel is slipping away. But like you say, we have something precious that they don't have. They can't get that time back with the babies.

We are where we are for a reason sweet girlie. The plan for life was written in pencil for a reason. We will go where we need to and we will come out so much stronger on the other side. : )