I get angry at myself for the self pity I feel a times. I watch XH carrying on with his life, meeting new people, forming new relationships, and I feel sad for myself. I know that I have something precious that he doesn't though. I remind myself of this. They won't be this age forever. I already know that I'm going to look back on this time and hate myself for not calming the fuck down and just enjoying the babies. (BB would correct me on this and tell me that no, he isn't a baby, he's BB, while pointing to himself.)
I've been alone for six months now. It feels like an eternity. The babies fill me with love, but there's still a big empty spot. I can't be physical with someone without emotion. Years ago I could but it's not how I'm wired now. If I was still that way, perhaps things would be simpler. Have the itch scratched and then resume my 24/7 parenting duties. Just thinking of it like that disgusts me.
Patience. I need to take a deep breath and savour every moment with the babies. Try to let go of all the other stuff. Push it back down. Focus on what's important. (But isn't fulfilling myself emotionally important? No, not as important as the babies. Must remember they are the priority.) Keep it together.