18 Weeks

In the past 18 weeks, I have...

• lost my husband
• learned about compassion and betrayal
• discovered that I'm a much stronger person that I ever gave myself credit for
• bought a house
• learned that I can be independent and yet still ask, and rely on, others for help
• been reminded that my family will always be there for me regardless of how hard I try to push them away
• taken a lover and then somehow found the strength to let him go and simply be his friend
• learned that I can love again, and even trust again, in spite of the hurtful act that was committed against me by the person I believed I could trust more than anyone else in the world
• met my husband's mistress and was calm and friendly, for the sake of my children
• played nurse to my son while he suffered from pneumonia and dehydration
• fought for my son's health when the doctors at the hospital would not believe he really was a very sick little boy
• stayed with my son in the hospital for several days and many scary moments while he recovered from his illness
• spent four sweet days at home with BB after he was released from the hospital, doing nothing but colouring and drawing at the kitchen table
• given birth to an amazing baby girl who is currently curled up naked on my bare chest.

Life is good. Life is sweet. Life takes unexpected turns sometimes and I need to find a way to embrace them. I often need to remind myself of this, but I do believe it.

Mini Rant

Biting my tongue really hurts. It's quite painful. I tend to live out loud and feel like I've been squelching myself for the past several months.

Today I'm filled with fear, rage, and frustration and can't even say why. I'm soooo tired of censoring myself. It's not me.

So many things need to get settled (and quickly) so I can go back to being the me that I'm meant to be.

March Randoms

Here we are, well into March. Here's some of the randomness floating around my head tonight...

• BB has been sick since last Friday. I'm very grateful that he isn't one of those children that is sick all the time. I'm sure the fact that he eats quite healthy makes a big difference. The other night, in my desperate attempt to get him to eat something, anything, I tried giving him a popsicle, and he screamed, "Nooooooo!" as if I was attempting to poison him. Most kinds know that a popsicle is a treat. BB doesn't.

• I'm now 38 weeks + 3 days. Or so they say. But that does tie in with the fact that I felt like I conceived on July 4. It's amusing to watch the doctors try to predict what BG will weigh. I was told two weeks ago that she'll probably weigh about 8.5 lbs. Today I was told she would weigh 7-something. Really, does it matter? My doctor also told me that when I go in next week that they'll sweep my membranes. At my last appointment I asked that they NOT do this at 39 weeks. So again today I had to remind her. And I'm sure next week as well I'll have to go in with my thighs pressed firmly together to keep them out of me. Yeesh. Why rush it? She'll come out when she's ready. I'm not ready for her to arrive, there's still too much to do. And I've spent so much time just sitting here next to BB since last Friday that I'm definitely behind. But he deserves all of the love and attention I can give him.

• I had a dream last night about nursing. It made me feel a bit excited to get started again. I keep wondering if BB will want to start again. I'm hoping so. I think it will be a good way to make him not feel left out when the baby arrives. And he could use the extra goodness in his little body right now too.

• Things have slowed down on the Handsome front. I haven't even seen him since last weekend. He's taken someone else out a couple of times now. I suspect they're going to get together. It makes me sad. But I'm finding that when I'm not around him I feel annoyed by the whole situation. However, as soon as I see him, I turn to putty. And regardless of my annoyance I still care about him a lot. But at least I'm learning to let go. I really hope we'll still be friends though, even after he has found someone else.

• I'm still swimming in the pond. I can admit I'm quite superficial. A guy needs to be what I consider good-looking before I'm going to be willing to bother making the effort to meet him. I was chatting with one guy who didn't have a pic. We got along quite well, and eventually moved the conversation onto MSN. Then he finally sent a picture. Overweight and homely. It would be different if I was friends first with someone, then discovered a spark there... I'm sure looks would be less of a factor. But since it is online DATING, I need to be physically drawn to someone before considering anything further. There is a message in my inbox from him asking if he can take me out to dinner this weekend. How do I say, "I know we got along quite well while we were chatting, but you're just too darned fugly for me to want to stare at for an entire meal"?? I don't like being mean like that.

• Somehow while swimming I ended up chatting with some guy who is married. It seems odd that I even bothered replying to him, but I do recall his first message just being one wishing me luck with the baby and telling me that he could never be more than a friend (as I state that I'm looking for an LTR) so I probably just politely replied with a "Thanks, I appreciate that." sort of message. Anyway, I now chat with this guy (Handsome and I call him The Married Guy - TMG) more than anyone else on there. Weird. No, I have no intentions of meeting him (although Handsome seems to think that I'm going to meet him at some point) and I have no idea what he looks like (he holds his cards close to his chest, for good reason.) I don't want to become the other woman. And I don't agree with his reasons for being on the site, and I've made that clear to him. However, I am enjoying his conversation. He reminds me quite a bit of Handsome, but with fewer typos.

• I keep wondering how the baby is going to change my outlook on everything... on fishing, on Handsome, on TMG, etc. Will it take my focus off trying to find that missing piece for a while? Or will I just keep plugging away at it? I find it amusing that I'm full term and still considering going out on dates with people. I never would have dreamed in a million years that I'd be in this position. I hope that the rush of hormones after the baby is born will help me refocus on my duties of being a mother. Not that I've been neglecting them, but I don't feel like it's been my main focus either.

• BB is passed out next to me on the bed. He's so beautiful. He's been my reason for continuing on all of the times when everything has seemed too difficult to bear. A lot of weight on the shoulders of a 22 month old. Thankfully, he'll never know.

• Last Friday I survived the 10th anniversary of meeting XH. It was also our 6th wedding anniversary. It was not an easy day. I often live by the motto of no regrets, yet I kept wondering what would have happened if I had never invited him over to watch The Simpsons that night. But then I look at BB and I know that it wasn't a waste. There was a purpose to it. A reason for it.

• If you love someone, tell them. I was foolish enough to do it to Handsome after he ended things and he didn't run and hide (surprisingly.) I don't think love is something you should keep to yourself. There isn't enough of it in the world, it seems. xo