hubby emailed me at work today to bring up the ‘forbidden’ subject. He suggested that I talk to my HR manager to see how much I’d be making if I were on maternity leave. Wow. He called it the subject he’s “too scared to bring up.” I want to talk about his feelings rather than just facts and figures, but I don’t want to push him away. We exchanged factual emails about financials all day. When I received the first email, I was so happy and he seemed so sweet in it. But it quickly turned to very factual emails. I was a bit hurt, but at least we had a conversation about it. We haven’t said a word in person though! I'm afraid to, considering how all of the previous conversations have turned into me curled up on the floor sobbing and rocking. And him sitting there in silence.
I’m so afraid that we won’t be able to afford for me to take the year off… They say you make 55% of your wages, but that only seems to be the case if you make less than what I’m making... Not that I make much more than the cut-off. But the amount I’d make per week less taxes, etc. isn’t much money, when you look at what our expenses are. But I’m sure that people do it all the time on less and survive.
I’m very much afraid he’s going to use his damn logic against me. I have very little logic when it comes to this topic. I kept wanting to talk about my feelings in our emails today, but it kept coming back to the numbers.
I feel a bit rejected, but I’m not to brush aside those feelings. Keep telling myself that this is how he is dealing with it. And if this is what he needs to deal, then I can do that…
oh yeah, i give up trying to protect the innocent. i'm avoiding writing because i don't like not using names. so now i'm naming names, baby! :)