Sunday, April 19, 2009

My Swirling Dark Pit

I feel like I'm sinking.  I survived the winter without anything more than the occasional "blue" day.  Pretty good for me.  Spring is now here, and those dark feelings seem to have arrived with it.  

I think it's just a combination of several things weighing me down.  

I don't feel that going back to work is the right decision for BB.  However, it is the logical thing to do in order to have BN2.  It won't be forever, as long as BN2 happens.  But I'm feeling a LOT of guilt about leaving BB with a sitter.  

Tomorrow I reduce BB's two daytime feedings to one daytime feeding and next week I'm eliminating the daytime feedings all together, as he starts spending a bit of time with the sitter next week.  This is breaking my heart.  I feel that he still needs to nurse.  I feel awful about already reducing him down to two feedings.  It wouldn't be bad if he wasn't interested in nursing, but the little guy loves it.  I'm being eaten alive by the guilt.  I want so badly to be a good mother to him, and I really don't feel like sending him to a sitter and reducing the frequency of his breastfeeding this is the way to do it.  

I'm worried about whether things are going to work out with my babysitter... that is an entirely separate post though.  

And then this weekend, DH was at his usual training all day Saturday, and then today his family came to help him reconstruct our woodshed that collapsed during the winter, so he spent the entire day outdoors working on that project.  Both the training yesterday and the woodshed today are very important things, and I don't believe for a second that he should have skipped out on either.  However, it meant that it was business as usual for BB and myself.  I look forward to the weekends because it means that we get to spend time together as a family, and during BB's naps, DH and I normally have some great chats.  Missing out on all of that this weekend really seems to have messed with my head.  

By suppertime I ended up sitting with BB in my lap front of the computer watching Sesame Street videos on Youtube so that he wouldn't be able to see my crying while I held him.  Since he doesn't get to watch TV, watching a bit of Sesame Street was definitely holding his attention.  If he sees me cry these days, he cries too, and I didn't want to make him cry, but I couldn't hold it in any longer.  

Tonight, I felt like the walls were closing in on me.  Part of me wants to crawl into bed and never get out.  But I know that laying there, buried under the covers, I'll only continue to brood.  My instinct when things get bad are to start walking.  Walk and walk and walk.  I don't mean walk out on my life or anything like that, but just walk until I can come up with a solution to all of the things that are upsetting me.  (You know, when I think back to a lot of the bad stuff that happened in a previous relationship, I often found myself wandering.  I never really made that connection until now.)  

I had hoped that once the decision was made about whether or not to return to work that I'd be able to relax and enjoy the rest of my time with BB.  But once the decision was made, I worried about childcare.  And even now that I have a babysitter, the dark cloud is still over my head.  I want to enjoy the next month, not spend the entire time brooding.  BB deserves our last month together to be special... not to have a mommy who is in tears all the time.


ML said...

Big, bonecrushing hugs!!! I am so sad for you. I am so with you on the breastfeeding though. I am trying to figure out how to accomplish weaning in preparation for the sitter too. I know it sounds like platitudes but I promise that leaving BB with a sitter will get a little bit easier as time goes by...xo

Emilie said...

Graedy and I just stopped breastfeeding a few weeks ago, and I admit - I still miss it. He was crying the other day and my 3 yr old said, "Maybe he just wants milk from your nipples!"

I just wanted to say that I sympathize and that I hope you can figure out a way to make it easier on you both. Even if you do have to go back to work, maybe you could keep the morning and evening feedings. Those were my favourites...:) Best of luck!

cuddles said...

ML, Thanks, sweetie. As long as everything is good at the sitter's, I do anticipate that it will get easier. long as my heart doesn't break into a million pieces in the meantime. A year ago, I had no idea I would love this little guy so much! I was more excited about a year off of work than I was about having a baby! *huggs*

Emilie, It's such an amazing bond, isn't it? Your three-year old is funny. :) My plan right now is to keep the night-time and early morning feedings.