Saturday, July 4, 2009

Reunion

I attended a family reunion today for my father's side of the family. I feel like I didn't connect with a soul there and am feeling badly about it. First off, I've never quite felt like I "fit" with that side of the family. For some reason, I've always felt like I've been on the outside looking in. Maybe it's because dad was always criticizing my behaviour and the things I'd say whenever I was around that side of the family, whereas, mom never did that sort of thing when I was with her side. Dad's side is also considerably larger than mom's side, so I've always felt like I have more intimate relationships with the folks on mom's side. All that being said though, I really do like dad's side of the family, but I don't always feel like I belong.

Last summer we had an informal family pot-luck summer party. BB was only three months old at the time, and I was a wreck taking him there all by myself. (DH was away training that day.) It felt like we were constantly hiding in a bedroom and nursing rather than visiting with everyone. And when he wasn't nursing, I was on pins and needles worried that he was going to cry and scream. (For the record, he did neither, except for when he wanted to nurse.) However, looking back, I connected with people far more last year than I did today.

I've accepted that my moods vary from day to day. Some days I'm outgoing and jovial, some days I'm more shy and reserved. Although I've accepted that this is how I am, I wish I could forgive myself for it. Today was one of those days where I was feeling more shy. I didn't feel right approaching a group of people and joining in the conversation. Part of the problem is that the few times I did start to talk to someone, I always seemed to end up leaving the conversation because BB was escaping on me, so I'd have to go chasing after him. (Dude is mobile now!) It's rare that so many family members gather together without someone dying, and I feel like I should have taken advantage of it. I wasted the opportunity.

On the bright side, my cousin brought along a little inflatable pool for her girls and the other kids to play in. Once BB was starting to feel secure in the environment, he had a blast playing with the balls and the toys that went with the pool. He didn't try to climb into the pool, but he was soaked from head to toe. And filthy filthy filthy! Several times he reached into the pool to grab a toy, and basically had his whole upper body in the water. It was hilarious. Today was my first taste of being a mother to a little boy, and that part of my day was so much fun.

3 comments:

Independent Chick said...

"I've accepted that my moods vary from day to day. Some days I'm outgoing and jovial, some days I'm more shy and reserved. Although I've accepted that this is how I am, I wish I could forgive myself for it." Boy, that is me!!! I read those lines a couple of times. I sometimes feel like I'm a roller coaster of feelings while everyone is status quo. Hard like that.

And I know what you mean on connecting and such. I don't think I'm doing a good job on that lately. Maybe a protection mechanism??...

Pool sounds fun. : )

Emilie said...

I identified with that, too! It takes me a long time to feel comfortable with people, and by then, it seems awkward to move from aquaintances to friends.

cuddles said...

I'm glad that there are other folks in the world who can identify with that issue. It's nice to not be alone. xx