Saturday, November 28, 2009
One Week Ago Tonight
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
I'm wondering...
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
What I Wouldn't Do
Warm and brown beneath the sun
Never learned to climb a tree but I would try
Just to show you what I'd done
Oh what I wouldn't do
If I had you, babe, I had you
Oh what I wouldn't do
If I had you, babe
If I were old, my dearest, you would be older
But I would crawl upon your lap
Wrap a blanket 'round our frail little shoulders
And I'd die happily like that
Oh what I wouldn't do
If I had you, babe, I had you
Oh what I wouldn't do
If I had you, babe, if I had you
So lace your hands 'round the small of my back and I will kiss you like a king
I will be your bride, I'll keep you warm at night
I will sing, I will sing
It was now and we were both in the same place
Didn't know how to say the words
With my heart ticking like a bomb in a birdcage
I left before someone got hurt
Oh what I wouldn't do
If I had you, babe, I had you
Oh what I wouldn't do
If I had you, babe, if I had you
Monday, November 23, 2009
Worst November Ever
I've been having a completely terrible month. I guess my last post kind of made that known. What's gone wrong? Where should I start? It's gone from minor to major. It started with bad service at one of my favourite restaurants (yes, that's obviously minor.) Then there was a confrontation with a co-worker. And by confrontation, I mean she became a complete tyrant who refused to listen to reason or accept any responsibility for a problem within her department. Then I got food poisoning from my other favourite restaurant. The same afternoon I was home sick with the food poisoning, my babysitter told me she's planning to return to work in January, so I'll need to find a new sitter for BB for my last two months of work. (Does anyone remember the hard time I had finding someone I trusted him with in the first place?) Then the following week, DH went away on a trip. While he was away, I ended up with a flat tire on the van, and then when I went to meet BB's new babysitter, I lost the front tire in her ditch while I was backing out of her driveway.
All of that was crappy to say the least.
But then DH came back from his trip. I was so relieved he was home safe and sound. For some reason, I had a terrible feeling about this trip. I was constantly expecting an RCMP officer to come to my door to say that he had been in an accident while on the road. The past week was a good one. He was home; I thought we were all happy. I had a wonderful appointment with my OB last Wednesday that gave me some much needed closure on things I've been thinking about my labour with BB. (On a side note, it would be so ideal if it were possible to have a "debriefing" appointment with your OB a few months after delivery. Seriously, I got a lot of closure at this appointment last week.) The three of us had what I thought was an amazing day on Saturday. A family trip to the grocery store, lots of time together, BB was happy playing with DH while I made us all a yummy supper (a rare event in our house.)
And then BB went to bed. And DH broke up with me. Turned out the terrible feeling I had about his trip was bang-on. He used his time away to do some serious thinking.
How can things seem so perfect and not be? Why did I have no inclination that this was coming? Why doesn't he love me anymore?
He and I are grieving through this together. He's still my best friend and says I'm his. We hold each other and cry. We cry for each other. We cry for BB and BN2. We cry for ourselves.
This is not your typical break up.
This sort of stuff doesn't happen to us. It doesn't happen to me. Now I'll be a single mom to two kids under the age of two.
I truly don't believe he's going to abandon us any more than he already has. I believe him when he promises that he wants to be there for the kids and wants to provide for them. But I also believed that he loved me. But then, I think he also believed it too.
I go from sobbing to hoping for a good future for my children and myself. I occasionally feel resentment towards DH for putting us through this. But generally, I feel sad for him. For all of us.
I'm so worried about BN2. Hopefully she's strong and survives this period of stress. Her movements have become much stronger lately. A few days ago I wanted to eat all of the food in the world; now I'm forcing myself to eat for her sake. Sleep isn't coming easily right now. But there's only been two nights of sleep since it happened. Perhaps tonight will be a bit better.
I'm relieved that it is me that he no longer loves, and that none of this has anything to do with his feelings towards BB. I'm happy that BB has two parents who love him more than anything in the world. I'm happy that BB has two parents who are determined to ensure he has the best upbringing possible, even though we are no longer together.
My image of our perfect future is shattered. My heart is broken for all of us.
Saturday, November 14, 2009
On the Edge
Those closest to me don't seem to get how I'm feeling. I get the feeling that everyone is just thinking, "Suck it up. Roll with the punches." Maybe they are just chalking it up to pregnancy hormones. Maybe it's just that they don't know how to reach out... Or how to reach me. Maybe I'm in even deeper than I realize.
I'm sinking. Again. And it's only November. It's going to be a long winter.
And now that I have that off my chest, I'm going to cuddle with some puppies and try to put that brave face back on.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Baby and Miscellaneous
I thought life couldn't get any more hectic, but it seems to have happened! I'm not really sure where the time is going, but as of today, I'm 20 weeks pregnant! We're half way there! It's a bit scary actually… the first 20 weeks have gone by so quickly and there's still a lot to be done before BN2 arrives!
Things have been so busy lately that I haven't even been reading my favourite blogs. I sat down last night and quickly made my way through the majority of them. I've been feeling so out of the loop …and so slack in keeping up with my own. I had hoped to document much of my pregnancy in my blog, but it obviously hasn't been happening!
We found out last Wednesday that we're having a baby girl! I had been convinced we were having a girl and wasn't overly excited about it. I figured a boy would be more convenient since we already have tonnes of boy clothes and a boy would make the whole sharing a bedroom situation a lot simpler! However, when the ultrasound technician told us that we're having a girl I was so excited that I started to cry! Things feel complete now. I was a bit worried that if we were having another boy I'd get the baby urge again in another year, in hopes of having a girl. Hopefully having a girl this time will keep me happy so that I don't have to put DH through that decision making process again. Don't get me wrong, I'd have a houseful of kids if he was on board, but that's the problem… Since he initially didn't want any, both times when we've talked about having a baby the final decision has ended up being his to say yea or nay.
I am currently waiting for the results of my MSS. I had the blood test two weeks ago yesterday, and was told at my last prenatal appointment three days after that the results would be in within a few days. I forget the timelines from my last pregnancy, but when I called the office yesterday to check in (to ensure I haven't slipped through the cracks again) the receptionist said that they hadn't received anything yet, but that blood work is sent to the IWK in Halifax and the results then have to come back to their office from there. So we're playing the waiting game right now. My doctor told me I was likely to have a positive result again this time. My plan had been to definitely take the risk of the amniocentesis so that my mind can rest easy for the remainder of the pregnancy, but surprisingly, DH doesn't think the risk is worth it. (That one was a shocker to me!) So, this has been added to my list of things that we need to sit down and discuss. That list is growing quickly! But whenever we do have a moment or two together, the last thing I feel like doing is having a big serious discussion!
Last week I had a lot of leg pain. I vividly remember this happening during my pregnancy with BB. It started in one leg, and lasted a few days. Then it moved on to the other leg for a few days. And then it was gone and didn't come back. The duration of the second leg wasn't nearly as long as the first leg this time, thankfully! It's hard to chase after a toddler when you want to cry because you're in so much pain!
I had my H1N1 vaccination on Friday at a prenatal clinic and then took BB to the priority clinic on Sunday. I've spent a lot of time waiting in line lately! Luckily both times I was lucky to be in line with some great people. They were all strangers, but chatting with them definitely helped to pass the time!