Thursday, June 17, 2010

Queen of the Flip-Flop

So, I was thinking today... part of being here includes accepting myself - where I've been, who I've been, etc. As I had mentioned recently, I let someone have access to all of my old blog posts. I started reading some of the old posts out of curiosity--I wondered what it was that this person was reading. It's hard to believe that some of that stuff was written by me! Looking at it now, I seemed so young and naive. Then I look at some of the posts from the past seven months... so much emotion... sadness, bitterness, anger, love...

I most recently hid all of my posts because I had this crazy idea that H might have somehow stumbled across all of *this* and would have been upset with me for sharing anything about him, even if it did all relate to me and my story. Another time I moved it all because I felt that I had to close the chapter on my marriage ending. And so on.

Tonight I moved it all back. It's here. All of it. Even the initial stuff that was never before published on this blog. It's funny to see me flip-flop on whether I'll use people's real names, etc. It's also funny how at various points I wanted to keep my blog happy and positive. I had a rough time doing that on the good days and over the last seven months it's hardly seen any positivity. But I think this blog has served as my life line over the past several months. I sorted out my thoughts here (although the posts don't appear that way! Some are a bit befuddled and crazed sounding) and ultimately I maintained my sanity here.

Perhaps at some point I'll become camera shy again and tuck them all away. I seem to be the Queen of the Flip-Flop. But for now, they're here.

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