Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Insecurities and doubts

Two weeks ago tomorrow, BG started rolling over. Now it's impossible to keep her in one place. A couple times over the past few days, I've left her napping on my bed (which is actually just a mattress on the floor) and discovered when I returned after only a few minutes that she had spun 90 degrees and rolled a couple of times. Tonight when I went to take my shower, I placed her little sleeping body in her crib, rather than leaving her on my bed. It's probably only the fourth time she's slept in her crib.

Now it's 23:24... I want to go to bed, but I can't bring myself to go to bed without her. Sure, her crib is within spitting distance of my bed, but I feel like a bad mother for not having here right here with me. However, waking her up to bring her to bed with me feels selfish.

The need I have to be close to these two children all the time is amazing. I've been thinking about what life will be like once BG also starts going to XH's place every other weekend. I feel a bit panicky when I think about it. The logical part of me knows that the break will be good for me. The attached part of me screams in pain. I keep reminding myself that it's a year away. Longer if I continue nursing as long as I'd like to. Unfortunately though, a lot of my ideals were blown away with the separation (remember the SAHM plan?) It's easy for someone with an even somewhat supportive spouse to say, "If you really wanted to, you could do it." I think I'm doing damn good, considering everything. But I know I could do better with more support.

All that said, it's not like I don't have any support. My family and friends have rallied around me. I have the best XH I could possibly ask for (Four months ago I didn't think I'd ever say that.) Perhaps if it weren't for these people, I wouldn't be doing such a damn good job.

BG isn't in my arms as often as I'd like her to be. I wear her in the wrap as much as I can. I hold her as often as I can. I nurse her as soon as she shows any signs of wanting to be nursed. But she often ends up napping in the swing. I feel guilty about that. I feel like this is where I'm really falling down. But, BB needs attention too. BG's swing-naps are the times where BB and I cuddle on the couch under a blanket and read stories, or play with blocks on the floor without distraction. That's my only chance for one-on-one time with him. He needs that too. I wish I could do everything. I really do. But I'm trying my best.

I often feel like I'm living in two worlds. There's the world where I try (and fail) to be Super-Mom. Then there's the world where cuddles is trying to find a man. The two worlds don't seem to compliment one another. The latter is part of the reason why I feel like I'm failing at the former. I think for the time being, I'm going to put the profile in the pond on hold... I'll continue being interested in who I'm currently interested in, but for now, any further intentional searching needs to be put on hold. I'm not sure how long I can maintain that attitude - the search has often provided me with a necessary distraction, and some hope for the future. It's easy to put it on hold when there's someone who may be interested in me. But when that doesn't work out, will I continue to feel this way?

One day at a time. One foot in front of the other. Follow my gut. Do what feels right.


Independent Chick said...

You certainly aren't failing at being a mom!!!!! And there is nothing wrong with you continuing to meet people. Yes, you are a mom but you are a woman too. I can't say that I blame you for putting the pond on hold because frankly, not much good can come from that place but as far as meeting people...have at it!!! You deserve it. And when you least expect it, you will find someone who loves you and loves your kiddies. Trust me, it will happen. I didn't think it would but it does. The key is just what you said, one day at a time. XOXOXOX

cuddles said...

Thanks, Independent Chick. You're always there for me.

"Yes, you are a mom but you are a woman too." <- I've been tossing this around for the last couple of days. It struck a chord with me. You're right.

As for the pond, I actually have met some lovely people from the depths. (Unfortunately though, I just haven't felt "it" with anyone since H.) It takes a lot time of weeding out the undesirables through email and chat though.

Thanks for reading and supporting. XO